Melancholy Baby

10

“You’ve heard me speak of Tony Gault,” I said to Dr. Silverman.

“Yes.”

“He was in town again last week.”

Dr. Silverman nodded.

“We weren’t intimate.”

“Though you have been in the past?”

“Yes. Several times.”

Dr. Silverman nodded.

“In the past, did you enjoy intimacy?”

“Yes.”

“But not this time.”

“This time I couldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know.”

Dr. Silverman smiled and waited.

“I don’t,” I said.

“What has changed?”

“Changed? For God’s sake, Doctor, you know what has changed. Richie got married.”

Dr. Silverman nodded.

“And what does that have to do with you and Tony Gault?”

“Well, for God’s sake, I can’t...”

Dr. Silverman was quiet, her big eyes resting on me without movement, her hands settled quietly in her lap. She had a wide mouth and her lips were full. She was wearing a dark suit today. She didn’t wear a wedding ring. I wondered if she was married. I wondered if she had a boyfriend. I wondered if she colored her hair. She must. She was definitely old enough to be coloring her hair. Great body, though. She must work out a lot. She probably had a boyfriend. Probably some Harvard geek.

Dr. Silverman smiled and tilted her head forward a little.

“You can’t...?” she said.

“Well, I mean I don’t want to get involved with Tony Gault.”

“Had that been a problem previously?”

“Involvement?” I said.

“Has he previously wanted more than intimacy?”

“No.”

“Then?” Dr. Silverman said. “This time?”

“Well, Richie was married.”

“Did Tony know that?”

“No.”

Dr. Silverman was quiet for a moment. So was I. Then she leaned toward me a little more and smiled widely. It was a genuine smile, full of warmth and interest.

“So,” Dr. Silverman said. “What’s up with that?”

I was quiet for a while.

Then I said, “But I knew that.”

Dr. Silverman nodded.

“You’d think it would be the other way around,” I said.

Dr. Silverman didn’t say anything.

“You’d think once Richie was gone,” I said, “that I’d be more willing.”

Dr. Silverman was quiet.

“But I’m not,” I said.

Dr. Silverman might have nodded. It was so slight a nod that I wasn’t sure.

“Not just Tony,” I said. “I don’t feel like I want to be intimate with anybody.”

Another nod... maybe.

“I have been...” I said. “I’ve been intimate with a number of men since the divorce.”

Nod?

“Including Richie,” I said.

Dr. Silverman seemed comfortable, tipped back in her chair slightly. Her hands were motionless in her lap. She seemed interested, in a pleasant, noncommittal kind of way. She was agreeable, but she was silent. I wanted her to talk. I wanted her to explain me. I didn’t know what to say. Dr. Silverman didn’t seem to mind. She was comfortable with the silence.

“Richie was protection,” I said.

She leaned forward a little.

“Tell me about that,” she said.

“As long as he was... as long as I could love him, even though we were divorced, I was safe. I could go out with other men, have sex, whatever. And I would not have to worry about anything beyond that.”

“What might be beyond that?” Dr. Silverman said.

I was quiet. Then I said, “Marriage, I guess.”