Midwinter Sacrifice

65

Her head.

It’s heavy, and the pain is like a fruit-knife thrust between the lobes of her brain. If you feel pain like that you don’t sleep. In dreams there is no physical pain. That’s why we love them, dreams.

No, no, no.

She remembers now.

But where’s the engine? The car? She isn’t in the car any more.

Stop it. Let me go. I’ve got someone who needs me.

Take this blindfold off my eyes. Take it off. Maybe we could talk about this? Why me?

Is there a smell of apples here? Is that earth under my fingers, cold but still warm earth, biscuit crumbs?

There’s a stove crackling.

She kicks in the direction the warmth is coming from, but strikes no metal; she tenses her back but doesn’t get anywhere. Only a dull thud, a vibration through her body.

I am . . . Where am I?

I’m lying on cold earth. Is this a grave? And I am dead, after all? Help me. Help me.

But it’s warm around me and if I was in a coffin there’d be wood.

Take this rope off, for God’s sake.

The rag in her mouth.

Strain hard enough and it might break, the rope. Twist back and forth.

Eventually the cloth is pulled away from her eyes.

A flickering light. A vaulted cellar? Earth walls? Where am I? Are those spiders and snakes moving around me?

A face. Faces?

Wearing a ski mask.

The eyes. Looking, yet not looking.

Now they’ve gone again, the faces.

Her body aches. But now is where the pain starts, isn’t it?

I wish I could do something.

But I am powerless.

I can only watch, and I will do, because the look in my eyes may give you some comfort.

I shall stay even if I would rather avert my gaze and disappear to all the places I can disappear to.

But I stay in the fear and the love and all the other feelings. It isn’t over yet, but do you have to do that? Do you imagine they’ll be impressed?

It hurts, I know, I had to feel the same. Stop it, stop it, I say, but I know, you can’t hear my voice. Do you think her pain will eradicate another pain? Will her pain open the doors? Mine didn’t, after all.

So I beg you: stop, stop, stop.

Did I say stop?

How can a single noise come out of my mouth when it is taped up, the rag pressed deep between my teeth?

She is naked. Someone tore off her clothes, splitting the seams with a knife and now someone brings a candle close to her shoulders and she is frightened, the voice mumbling, ‘This must, must, must happen.’

She screams.

Someone brings the candle close, close, and the heat is sharp and she screams as if she doesn’t know how to scream, as if the sound of her burning skin and the pain are one. She twists back and forth but gets nowhere.

‘Shall I burn your face off?’

Is that what the mumbling voice is saying?

‘Perhaps that would be enough. Perhaps I wouldn’t have to kill you then, because you won’t exist properly without a face, will you?’

She screams, screams. Soundlessly.

The other cheek. Her cheekbone burns. Circular movements, red, black, red, the colour of pain, and there is a smell of burned skin, her skin.

‘Shall I get the knife instead?

‘Hang on now.

‘Don’t faint, stay awake,’ the voice mumbles, but she wants to be gone.

The blade shines in the light, the pain has disappeared, adrenalin is pumping through her body and the only thing is her fear that she might never get away from here.

I want to get home to my loved ones.

He must be wondering where I am. How long have I been here? They must be missing me by now.

The knife is cold and warm and what is that warmth running down my thighs? A woodpecker with a steel beak is pecking at my breasts, eating its way down to my ribs. Let me vanish; my face burns when someone hits me in vain attempts to keep me awake.

But it doesn’t work.

I’m going now.

Whether you like it or not.

How much time has passed? I don’t know.

Are those chains rattling?

I’m tied to a post now with forest around me.

I’m alone.

Have you gone? Don’t leave me here alone.

I’m whimpering. I can hear it.

But I’m not freezing and I wonder when the cold stopped being cold.

When does pain stop hurting?

How long have I been hanging out here now? The forest is thick around me; dark but white with snow. There’s a little clearing, and a door leading down to a hole.

My feet don’t exist. Nor my arms, hands, fingers or cheeks. My cheeks are burning holes, and everything around me lacks any smell.

Away.

Away from here.

That’s all that’s left.

Away, away, away, at any cost.

But how can I run if I don’t have any feet?

Something is approaching again.

Is it an angel?

Not in this darkness.

No, it’s something black approaching.

‘What have I done?’

Is that what the black thing says?

‘I have to do this.’ That’s what the black thing says.

She tries to lift her head but nothing happens. She makes a real effort and there, there, she slowly lifts her head and the black thing is close now and is swinging a cauldron of boiling water backwards and she thinks herself away, and then the sound, someone roaring as the water is thrown at her.

But it doesn’t reach. No heat arrives, just a few drops of warmth.

Now the black thing itself again.

With a branch in its hand?

What’s that for?

Shall I scream?

I scream.

But not because anyone will hear me.