Monkey Business

russ gets busted (and drags kimmy down with him)

Tuesday, March 23, 12:30 a.m.

I’m high and lying on Kimmy’s bed.

“I found a great sublet in the West Village,” Kimmy tells me.

“Yeah?”

“It’s a one-bedroom, and it has large windows, and a rooftop patio with a charcoal barbecue. How amazing is having a barbecue?”

It does sound amazing. I want a charcoal barbecue. I haven’t even looked for an apartment yet. “Wanna shack up for summer?”

I can see the possibility rolling around in her mind. Come on, Kimmy, say yes! I want a barbecue!

“Why not?”

I love how spontaneous she is. And I love that she doesn’t care that she did all the work. Truth is, I’m not sure if I love her. I know I told her I did, but I didn’t mean it. I like her a lot, and I’m in lust with her, but-love?

She kisses me and I forget what I was worried about.

I walk in fifteen minutes late to class, and sit in the spot Kimmy reserved for me.

She points to her watch. Thanks, Mom. She can’t get over the fact that I’m late to every class. I pat her on the knee. She pats back.

The trip was great, except for her excessive how-do-I-look and do-you-think-that-chick-is-hotter-than-me whining. How is someone so awesome so insecure?

Sharon wasn’t insecure. Shouldn’t think about Sharon. Can’t stop thinking about Sharon. Did I make a mistake? No. Kimmy is right for me. We’re moving to the same city. We’re working at the same place.

When there are only a few minutes left of class, Professor Martin pulls out a stack of assignments from his briefcase. “The class average was a seventy-three, which isn’t too impressive,” he says. “Apparently the majority of you failed to understand the difference between synergy and leveraging.”

I don’t even remember the assignment. Not a good sign.

I brace myself for a low sixty. I couldn’t have failed. I assume that if you bother showing up you deserve a passing grade. And I’ve shown up. Some of the time.

Martin hands back the assignments. Hands back every assignment but mine. Kimmy nudges me. She doesn’t get hers back, either. When the bell rings, Martin is out of papers. He returns to the front row and says, “Russ and Kimmy, I’d appreciate it if you two could stay after class.”

Did I forget to hand in my assignment? That’s possible. There’s so much to keep track of. After the class empties out, Kimmy and I make our way to the front of the room.

“It has come to my attention that you have both breached the MBA Code of Conduct and Honor Code of Leiser Weiss Business School.”

What?

Kimmy’s face drains of color. “Excuse me, sir?”

“Both of you signed the honor code, which states that as a student of LWBS, you would not plagiarize another student’s work.”

Oh, man.

He places two papers, side by side, faceup on his desk. Kimmy’s has an A on it that’s scratched out. “Now herein lies the problem. I received these two almost identical assignments. According to school rules, plagiarism must result in disciplinary action, and any person found guilty will, at the very least, receive a failure for the course.”

Shit.

Kimmy starts crying. “But…I…”

I give her a look to be quiet. Crying is not going to win us points. “Sir, we discussed the assignment together. It was just a coincidence, a crazy coincidence that the papers look alike. I don’t think it’s unheard of that a couple discusses an assignment.”

Martin stares at us. “I believe this goes way beyond bedtime chatter. The two papers were practically identical. I believe one of you plagiarized off the other, and I suggest that you speak up now.”

Kimmy looks at me with beseeching eyes but doesn’t say a thing.

“I see,” Martin says. “Let me add that by protecting the guilty, the innocent is just as culpable. Both of you can expect a notification from LWBS’s disciplinary committee. They’ll be sending you a notification regarding the day and time you’ll be pleading your cases. You’re dismissed.”

We leave the class, shell-shocked.

“What’s the worst that will happen?” I ask.

She wipes the back of her hand against her eyes. “We’ll both be expelled.”