Movie Stars

Taco Foot

TWO MEN, HARRIS AND BURNS, MET FOR LUNCH.

Harris had a baby. He brought the baby to lunch.

Burns saw Harris getting out of the Harris family minivan. Harris had to put the baby on the ground for a moment, in its little car seat. Burns walked over to say hi. In the meantime, a woman happened to be parking her car next to Harris’s. Her mouth was very wide open. As if she were laughing with eagerness to kill the baby.

Harris picked up the baby in plenty of time.

It seemed to Burns, who did not have a baby, that babies were in constant and horrific danger. But he had noticed that people with babies, such as Harris, were nonchalant about it.

Harris and Burns went inside and stood in line. It was a good taco place, where you had to stand in line to order.

The cashier asked whether they were babysitting today.

Harris said that he babysat every day, by which he meant that this was his baby, and he took care of it every day.

Burns and Harris were not young men. Say their average age was forty-six. They didn’t comport or groom themselves like respectable gentlemen of that age. They were unemployed. One had brown hair and one’s hair was somewhat lighter than brown. They were ugly.

They poured their own sweet tea from the nozzles of big zinc urns and sat down at a table and waited for their tacos. Harris balanced the little car seat in a chair. He had to turn the chair sideways to balance the baby in its car seat properly.

Burns said to Harris, in reference to the curious cashier, “I should have told her the baby has two daddies. That would have been funny.”

The tacos came and the men began to eat the tacos.

The baby put its foot in its mouth.

“Look at that,” said Burns. “Your baby thinks its foot is a taco.”

“Her foot,” said Harris.

“What?” said Burns. Then Burns said to the baby, “Well, well, well. Do you think your foot is a taco? I’m going to call you Taco Foot.”

Burns said to Harris, “From now on I’m going to call your baby Taco Foot. You should put a little soft taco shell on your baby’s foot. Old Taco Foot. You should dress up your baby like a taco for Halloween. That would make a good costume. You should decorate old Taco Foot with lettuce and tomato. Isn’t that right, Taco Foot?”

“I’m getting sick of you,” said Harris.

“When you’ve wasted your life, part of you is like, ‘Gosh, that’s terrible.’ And part of you is like, ‘Oh well. I guess I should have thought of this sooner,’” said Burns.

“You probably haven’t wasted your life,” said Harris.

“You had a baby,” said Burns. “That’s supposed to be a pretty good setup by all accounts.”

“It’s not bad,” said Harris.

“Let me be frank,” said Burns. “I asked you to lunch today because I’m in love with your wife.”

“When did this happen?” said Harris. “I ought to take this bottle of hot sauce and pour it in your eyes.”

Was Harris joking? It was hard to tell.

Burns wasn’t joking.

“Don’t get me wrong,” said Burns. “I’m not going to tell her. I’m never going to tell her. I’m going to walk around with a broken heart.”

“Congratulations,” said Harris.

“Once she was nursing old Taco Foot at a party and I didn’t even realize it. I was just standing there talking to her. And then Taco Foot’s head slid off, didn’t it, Taco Foot? I saw everything. Marcie looked all red and ruddy, like she had been out in the sun.”

“Marcie’s tits are not red,” said Harris.

“Healthful,” said Burns. “They had a healthful look to them. Don’t use such crude language in reference to your incredible wife.”

“I’m going to kill you,” said Harris.

“Well, I’ll see you later,” said Burns. He wiped his mouth on a napkin. “Sorry to spring this on you. Now I feel awkward.”

Burns was sitting at a red light when the minivan attacked him. Harris was bumping Burns’s little car from behind, trying to push him into oncoming traffic. Burns looked in the rearview mirror and saw Harris’s mad face but not Taco Foot, who was probably strapped safely into place.

Burns answered his phone.

“You twat,” said Harris’s voice. “This is what you get.”

“We can’t be punished for our thoughts,” said Burns.

“Oh yes we can,” said Harris.