My Name Is Radha

Upper, Lower, Middle

[My publisher refused to print this story, which made me squirm up, down and in the middle quite a bit. The thing was that a lawsuit had been brought against it in Karachi and I was fined twenty-five rupees. To find some amends, I wanted to squeeze another twenty-five rupees out of my publisher, but he didn’t give in. I fidgeted around a lot and somehow scraped together some funds to have this story published so that it might reach you. Surely you’ll welcome it because you’re my reader, not my publisher.

Saadat Hasan Manto]

MIAN SAHIB: Ah, a chance to finally be together after quite a long time!

BEGUM SAHIBA: That’s right.

MIAN SAHIB: Oh, these umpteen responsibilities the nation expects me to shoulder. . For the sake of our people I can’t shirk them. . Oh, I can hardly breathe.

BEGUM SAHIBA: You know what your problem is — you’re far too compassionate. . just like me.

MIAN SAHIB: Yes, yes, I’m kept abreast of your social activities. If you can find a free moment, do send me copies of the speeches you made on different occasions recently. I want to read them in my spare time.

BEGUM SAHIBA: Well, all right, I will.

MIAN SAHIB: So, Begum, what about it. . I mean. . you know?

BEGUM SAHIBA: What about what?

MIAN SAHIB: Oh, maybe I didn’t mention. . By chance, I ended up in our middle son’s room yesterday. Would you believe it, he was reading Lady Chatterley’s Lover!

BEGUM SAHIBA: That wretched book!

MIAN SAHIB: Yes, Begum.

BEGUM SAHIBA: So what did you do?

MIAN SAHIB: I snatched the book from his hand and hid it.

BEGUM SAHIBA: You did the right thing.

MIAN SAHIB: Now I’m thinking of talking to the doctor and having him change our son’s diet.

BEGUM SAHIBA: Exactly. . the thing to do.

MIAN SAHIB: So how are you feeling these days?

BEGUM SAHIBA: I’m fine.

MIAN SAHIB: I was thinking. . of asking you. .

BEGUM SAHIBA: You’re really becoming very naughty.

MIAN SAHIB: All your doing. . your infinite charms.

BEGUM SAHIBA: But your health?

MIAN SAHIB: Health is good. Still I wouldn’t do anything without consulting the doctor first. But I must also make sure you’re fit as well.

BEGUM SAHIBA: I’ll ask Miss Sildhana today.

MIAN SAHIB: And I’ll ask Dr Jalal.

BEGUM SAHIBA: In principle, that’s how it should be.

MIAN SAHIB: What if Dr Jalal says it’s okay?

BEGUM SAHIBA: And what if Miss Sildhana says it’s okay!. . Anyway, you take care of yourself. Wrap the muffler securely around your neck. It’s blistery cold outside.

MIAN SAHIB: Thanks.

*

DR JALAL: Did you give her the green light?

MISS SILDHANA: Yes.

DR JALAL: So did I. . although to play with him a little bit, I didn’t. .

MISS SILDHANA: Me too. . I felt like not letting her have the go-ahead. . just for fun.

DR JALAL: I kind of felt sorry for him.

MISS SILDHANA: So did I.

DR JALAL: After holding back for a whole year he. .

MISS SILDHANA: Yes, after a whole year.

DR JALAL: You know what? His pulse quickened as soon as I gave him the thumbs up.

MISS SILDHANA: So did hers.

DR JALAL: He was afraid. He asked me, ‘Doctor, it seems as though my heart has weakened. . Won’t you take my electrocardiogram?’

MISS SILDHANA: She asked for it too!

DR JALAL: Instead, I gave him a shot.

MISS SILDHANA: So did I. A shot of only distilled water.

DR JALAL: Distilled water is perfect. . the best.

MISS SILDHANA: Jalal, what if you were this Begum’s husband?

DR JALAL: And you this man’s wife?

MISS SILDHANA: It would have ruined my character.

DR JALAL: And it would have killed me.

MISS SILDHANA: People would also have taken it as a flaw in your character.

DR JALAL: So what’s new. . every time we visit these foolhardy socialites, we damage our character.

MISS SILDHANA: It will be damaged today no less.

DR JALAL: In fact, quite a bit.

MISS SILDHANA: But theirs take long intervals to spoil. . and that’s the problem.

*

BEGUM SAHIBA: This thing, Lady’s Chatterley’s Lover, why is it lying under your pillow?

MIAN SAHIB: I wanted to find out just how smutty it is.

BEGUM SAHIBA: Well then, I’ll look at it along with you.

MIAN SAHIB: All right. I’ll pick out passages at random and read them to you. . you listen.

BEGUM SAHIBA: Suits me fine.

MIAN SAHIB: I’ve already changed our middle son’s diet after consulting the doctor.

BEGUM SAHIBA: I was sure you wouldn’t be negligent about the matter.

MIAN SAHIB: I never put off until tomorrow what I can do today.

BEGUM SAHIBA: I know that. . especially the thing you have in mind for today.

MIAN SAHIB: You look very cheery today. .

BEGUM SAHIBA: Your charm, what else.

MIAN SAHIB: Oh, I’m very amused. . now, if I have your permission. .

BEGUM SAHIBA: Wait. Have you brushed your teeth?

MIAN SAHIB: Yes, I have. I even rinsed my mouth with Dettol.

BEGUM SAHIBA: I did too.

MIAN SAHIB: The fact is: We’re made just for each other.

BEGUM SAHIBA: No doubt about it.

MIAN SAHIB: So now, may I start reading from this wretched book at random?

BEGUM SAHIBA: Hold on. First check my pulse.

MIAN SAHIB: It’s a bit fast. . now check mine.

BEGUM SAHIBA: So is yours, a trifle fast.

MIAN SAHIB: I wonder why.

BEGUM SAHIBA: Your heart ailment. . what else.

MIAN SAHIB: Makes sense. That must be it. . but Dr Jalal said that it’s nothing to worry about.

BEGUM SAHIBA: Miss Sildhana told me the same thing.

MIAN SAHIB: Did she give the go-ahead after a thorough examination?

BEGUM SAHIBA: Absolutely. . after a very thorough examination.

MIAN SAHIB: In that case, I guess we can proceed.

BEGUM SAHIBA: You know best. . Hope it won’t have an adverse effect on your health. .

MIAN SAHIB: Or on yours either.

BEGUM SAHIBA: One should take such a step only after long, hard deliberation. .

MIAN SAHIB: Miss Sildhana has taken care of that, hasn’t she?

BEGUM SAHIBA: Of what? Oh yes — yes, she has.

MIAN SAHIB: You mean, it’s perfectly safe?

BEGUM SAHIBA: Yes, it is.

MIAN SAHIB: Okay, take my pulse again.

BEGUM SAHIBA: It’s normal. . Now check mine.

MIAN SAHIB: Yours is normal too.

BEGUM SAHIBA: Read now, some passage from this dirty book.

MIAN SAHIB: As you say. My pulse is jumping again.

BEGUM SAHIBA: So is mine.

MIAN SAHIB: Have you had the servants put the necessary stuff in the room?

BEGUM SAHIBA: Yes. Everything is here.

MIAN SAHIB: If you don’t mind, please take my pulse again.

BEGUM SAHIBA: Can’t you take it yourself. . The stopwatch is handy.

MIAN SAHIB: Yes, we should note it down too.

BEGUM SAHIBA: Where are the smelling salts?

MIAN SAHIB: Got to be with the rest of the stuff.

BEGUM SAHIBA: Yes, they’re there on the teapoy.

MIAN SAHIB: I think we should raise the temperature in the room a bit.

BEGUM SAHIBA: Yes, we should.

MIAN SAHIB: If you see me growing faint, please don’t forget to give me medicine.

BEGUM SAHIBA: I will try if. .

MIAN SAHIB: Yes, but otherwise, please don’t bother.

BEGUM SAHIBA: Read, read this whole page.

MIAN SAHIB: Okay, listen. .

BEGUM SAHIBA: What — you sneezed?

MIAN SAHIB: Don’t know why.

BEGUM SAHIBA: I’m amazed.

MIAN SAHIB: I no less.

BEGUM SAHIBA: I know. . I lowered the thermostat instead of raising it. Forgive me.

MIAN SAHIB: I think it was good that I sneezed. It alerted us in time.

BEGUM SAHIBA: I really am very sorry.

MIAN SAHIB: Oh, don’t worry. Twelve drops of brandy will take care of it.

BEGUM SAHIBA: Stop! Let me pour them out. You always mess up the count.

MIAN SAHIB: Very true. You pour.

BEGUM SAHIBA: Drink slowly. . very slowly.

MIAN SAHIB: This is slow enough.

BEGUM SAHIBA: So how do you feel now — better?

MIAN SAHIB: I’m getting there.

BEGUM SAHIBA: Maybe you should rest a little.

MIAN SAHIB: I was feeling the need for it myself.

*

MALE SERVANT: What’s the matter. No sign of Begum Sahiba anywhere today.

MAID: She isn’t feeling well.

MALE SERVANT: Mian Sahib isn’t feeling well either.

MAID: We saw that coming — didn’t we?

MALE SERVANT: Yes. But I’m at a loss to understand. .

MAID: Understand what?

MALE SERVANT: These games Nature plays. We should have been on our deathbed^* today instead.

MAID: What kind of talk is that? It’s they who should be on their deathbeds.

MALE SERVANT: Now don’t bring up their being on deathbeds. . that would be a marvellous sight to see. I’d be seized by this overwhelming desire to gather her into my arms and carry her into my little room.

MAID: Where are you going?

MALE SERVANT: To look for a carpenter. . that damned cot, it’s about to crumble.

MAID: Yes, of course. Tell him to use very sturdy wood this time.