Natural Ordermage

XXXII

Rahl followed the routine dutifully for more than an eightday, still trying to perfect Hamorian in the morning and working at the Merchant Association in the afternoon. Almost immediately, Wulff and Gorot had given him the job of making the second and third fair copies of the various forms. Even so, after just a few days, he had mastered the standard terms and usages in the most-used forms.

What was far more difficult was the arms training with Zastryl and Aleasya. Some evenings, his entire body felt as though it were on fire when he collapsed into his narrow bed, even as he improved enough so that they only struck him infrequently. He did discover that the chaos-pain was far less if he only defended himself rather than attempting any sort of attack.

He also finally got around to something else he’d been putting off, and that was writing a letter to his parents. He didn’t really want to tell them his exile was permanent, and there was a chance it might not be. So he just said that he was being sent as a clerk to Swartheld, and how he did there would determine what might happen next. He added that he’d been learning Hamorian and that he’d received more training with staff and truncheon, as well as instruction in his new duties. He told them not to worry and that he would write as he could. What else could he really say?

On and off, he looked for Deybri at meals, but never saw her. Was she avoiding him?

Even Anitra no longer plopped herself at his table in the mess, and it had been eightdays since he’d seen Khalyt around.

Then, on sevenday, Kadara found him on his way to the evening meal.

“The Legacy of Diev ported this afternoon. That’s the ship that you’ll be taking to Swartheld. You’ll report to Captain Liedra before midmorning tomorrow. As a clerk of the Nylan Merchant Association, you’ll be expected to help the purser in minor ways, copying manifests or cargo declarations. Nothing you shouldn’t be familiar with by now…You can take the gray trousers, but I’d leave the gray tunics. Those won’t be that welcome in Swartheld.”

“What if I take one-just for the voyage? Not to wear in Swartheld.”

Kadara actually grinned. “Might not be a bad idea. Especially since you’ve not been seafaring.” The grin faded. “Don’t be late.”

“No, magistra.”

With that, Kadara was gone.

After making his way to the serving table and filling a bowl and taking some dark bread, Rahl made his way to the unoccupied corner of a table in the mess. He sat down and looked at the fish stew over noodles. He ate one bite, then another, before taking a swallow of ale. He looked to the west-facing windows and the white-golden light slanting through them. Tomorrow?

He’d known he’d have to leave Nylan, but he hadn’t expected it to happen quite so suddenly. He was being sent to Hamor all because he didn’t fit what the magisters expected of a beginning mage. Do it our way, or be on your way. That was what it amounted to, and it wasn’t as though he hadn’t tried. He had tried, but sometimes things just didn’t follow their precious Basis of Order. Of what use were rules and precepts when they didn’t apply? And what wisdom was there in denying that sometimes the rules weren’t applicable?

The problem was that it didn’t matter what he thought or what made sense. The magisters and the Council had the power to exile him, and he couldn’t do anything about it that wouldn’t make his own situation even worse.

He slowly finished his meal.

Then, after rinsing his dishes and washing up, in the light of early twilight, Rahl walked downhill, then eastward to Deybri’s small house.

He hoped she happened to be there, although he saw no light behind the curtains in the front window. Still…he rapped on the ancient oak door, its surface golden brown and showing a tracery of age lines.

There was no response, and he rapped again. He could sense someone there, and he thought it was Deybri.

Finally, the door opened halfway, and Deybri stood there wearing trousers and a short-sleeved collared shirt. She was barefoot. “You would know that I was here.”

“I came to say good-bye.”

“When are you leaving?”

“Tomorrow, I think. I have to be on the ship in the morning. It might be oneday or twoday. I don’t know how long it takes them to off-load and on-load.”

“Usually a day, sometimes two, usually not more than three.”

Rahl was puzzled by the combination of indifferent tone and the concern lying behind her almost flat words. After a moment, he said, “You’ve been interested in me, but you’ve kept me at a distance. It’s not just because I’m younger, is it?”

“No.” Deybri smiled sadly. “It’s because you won’t come back.” She held up a hand to forestall any interruption. “If you fail to find what you need to discover, you won’t be back. If you do, Nylan will be too small and confining for you, and you won’t be back.” She shrugged. “I’m not someone who does things by half. Or in smaller fractions. For some people, every small bite of life can be tasted by itself. For me, it can’t. So I pass on some sweet morsels because the memory of their taste would turn bitter.”

Rahl stood there, thinking about what she said.

“You don’t look back, Rahl. That’s not in your nature. I’d wager you scarcely even think about the girls you liked or loved in Land’s End. I’m not blaming you. You are what you are. Each of us is. You live for the now and the future. I live from the past into the present and don’t dwell on a future that I can only experience when it arrives each morning. That’s also why you won’t be back. The past has no hold on you.” She bent forward and kissed him gently on the lips. “Perhaps this will remain with you for a time.” Then she stepped back. “Good night and good-bye, Rahl.”

He just watched as she closed the door, so gently that it did not even click.

Then he turned and headed back toward the training center…for his last night there, thinking about her words. “The past has no hold on you.” No hold on him?