Nowhere but Here

Page 18 Segue

In the week following Christmas, I spent most of my time packing and writing while Jamie made travel plans for us to go back to Napa after New Year’s. We decided that we’d have our wedding at the winery in the spring, barring any unforeseen circumstances. Jamie said there would be no unforeseen anything, and that I needed to stop believing things were too good to be true. He spent a lot of time reassuring me that everything would be okay.

Late in the week one morning, I heard him tinkering in the kitchen.

“What are you doing?” He was dressed, ready, and waiting for me to get up.

He set a chocolate croissant and a latte from Starbucks in front of me. “Morning, baby. I was so excited, I couldn’t sleep.”

I sat down at the table surrounded by boxes. “Excited about what?”

“I can’t tell you.” He was amped. “I just have to show you, but we can’t go until nine.”

I bit into the pastry. “Aren’t those the best?” he said.

“Did you eat one?”

“Yeah.” By that point he was at the counter checking his blood sugar with the meter. “Holy shit,” he said and then reached for his insulin pen. He gave himself a shot and then sat down next to me at the table. He still seemed a little hyper, but then I brought him down as soon as I opened my mouth.

“Are you worried that your children will get it?”

“Our children?”

“Yes.”

“Are you worried, Kate?”

“You’re the one living with it. Should I be worried?”

“If, God forbid, one of our children gets it, then I would be able to help them learn to live a pretty normal life. Despite the fact that neither one of my parents had it, they were still able to help me live the healthiest possible lifestyle. But, if that scares you too much, then we can adopt. I think we should anyway. I want a big family.”

“I think I do, too, and I won’t be scared if you’re not. I trust you.”

“Okay.” He leaned over and kissed my nose. “Now what’s the plan for tonight?”

“I told Dylan and Ashley if you were up for it that we’d meet them on the roof at midnight and drink champagne and bang pots and pans or whatever.”

“Sounds perfect.”

After I showered and got ready, we grabbed a cab and headed into the upscale Gold Coast neighborhood. We stopped in front of a building that I’m pretty sure was owned by Oprah. Jamie led me through the lobby toward the elevator. He inserted a key and pressed the button for the penthouse. We entered a vacant foyer and walked down a hall until we were standing in a large loft-style room with floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking Lake Michigan. The floors were a warm and inviting hardwood. Even though the space was empty, something about it felt like home. Maybe it was that I could see so much of my beloved city, or maybe it was because I was standing there with Jamie.

“So you want to buy this place?”

“Want to buy?”

“Yeah.”

“No.”

“What, then?”

He just stared at me with his hands shoved deep in his pockets. He shrugged and then rocked back a few times on his heels.

I squinted, scowling at him. “You! You already bought it?”

“Bingo.” He smirked, and oh, that goddamned dimple.

“For me?” I shrieked.

“Uh-huh. Well, for us, silly girl.”

“Oh my god, how much did this cost?”

His lips flattened. “Not very much, and anyway, I need the write-off.”

“Not very much by whose standard?”

“Katy, stop, seriously. There’s an amazing loft that will be the perfect place for you to read and write. Come see.” I followed him through an insanely clean and ultramodern gourmet kitchen to an open staircase and loft lined with bookshelves. There was a large window in the loft with the same gorgeous view looking out onto the lake. I was mesmerized; I couldn’t take my eyes off the water. The white outline from the snow and ice piled on the shore reflected so brightly, I had to squint. It was uncharacteristically sunny for that time of year. I imagined the snow melting and breaking away into the glimmering, still water.

“It’s beautiful.” I turned to see him watching me.

“It is now,” he said.

I smiled all the way to my ears. “Should we christen it?”

He stalked over to me, braced my neck, kissed me thoroughly, and then murmured, “Katy, you dirty girl,” right into my ear.

I grabbed his butt. “Well?”

He pulled back and took a loud, deep breath. “I’m sorry, baby. I need to eat. I’m feeling a little weak.” Jamie never complained about his diabetes, and because of that I wasn’t that aware of its impact on our lives. He was determined not to use an insulin pump, so I knew he was cautious. Exerting himself would make his blood sugar even lower.

I ran my fingers through the hair at the back of his neck and gazed into his eyes. He held me around the waist. I cocked my head to the side and stared dreamily at him.

“What?” he asked.

“I have a Balance bar in my purse. Do you want it?” He smiled kindly and nodded. “I love you, Jamie. Thank you for this. It’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.”

“I love you, too.”

We started moving very gradually in a circle, still embracing each other, slow dancing to the sound of our beating hearts.

Remember playing hide-and-seek as a kid? You would run full speed away from the one who was “it.” Every time you played, you thought you’d found the best hiding place. You would sit, shaking with anticipation because even though the object of the game was the opposite, all you really wanted was to be found. You wanted to be found by the one who was “it.” For months, I had been hiding. I had run so far and hidden so well, I thought no one would find me, but then he did.

I had been only half awake until Jamie came into my life. I know now that it’s true, what they say: love cannot be taken out of you because it changes you. I woke up when I met Jamie. The world became louder, crazier, more exciting, and more achingly beautiful.

“Do you think it will always be like this?”

“I think there will be times when we’ll have to work at it.” He paused. “I’m willing to do that until the day I die if it means I get to hold you like this.”

• • •

On our way back to my apartment, I gave Jamie a good laugh when he asked if I was going to give him the New Year’s Eve kiss he’d always wanted.

“Well, I’m not gonna be kissing Dylan, not that he’s a bad kisser.”

“How would you know?” He seemed shocked but was still smiling.

“One day, Dylan and I went down to the basement laundry room and walked in on Stephen making out with some girl. This was in my ‘woe is me’ phase, mind you. Anyway, Dylan felt sorry for me so he pressed me against the wall and kissed me in front of the bimbo and Stephen. He put on a pretty good show.”

Jamie was clutching his heart, laughing hysterically. “You’re kidding.”

“No, I swear to God.”

He shook his head. “What a good guy.”

“Totally.”

“But he better keep his hands off you.”

“I don’t think you have to worry about that.”

Later that night, after kissing Jamie on the roof and toasting to the New Year with Dylan and Ashley, we were in bed by 12:10 on the dot. I woke up a few hours later to find Jamie gone from our bed. I discovered him in the living room, swaying and disoriented.

“Jamie, are you looking for your meter?”

For a second, when he looked up, it seemed like he didn’t recognize me, and then finally he spoke. He sounded like a frightened child. “Katy?”

I went to him and pulled him to sit on the couch. “Yes, baby, I’m here.”

“I feel nauseous.”

“Let me find your meter.” I got up and immediately found it on the counter. I rushed to him and nervously fumbled with the lancets for a few seconds until I finally pricked his finger and put the blood onto the meter tab. The screen read twenty. “You’re very low, baby. Hold on.” I ran into the kitchen and poured orange juice into a cup and then took it to him. He seemed extremely weak as he reached for it.

“I’m okay, Katy.”

“You need to eat.” I went to the kitchen and threw graham crackers, nuts, a cereal bar, a banana and some cheese on a plate. It took me less than thirty seconds. I ran it over to him and could tell he was already a bit more lucid.

He laughed. “What’s all this?”

“I didn’t know what you would feel like.”

“You are such a sweetheart.”

“Did this ever happen to you when you were alone?”

“If I felt low at night, it would wake me up. I would keep the meter by my bed. I think it must have been the combination of the long day and then the champagne. I’m glad I was here with you.”

“Me too.”

After he ate and we checked his blood sugar again, he fell asleep on the couch with his head in my lap. I sat there for part of the night, unable to sleep. I thought about Jamie and I together, going to Napa, getting married, starting a family, and coming back to Chicago every now and then. It started to become impossible to imagine my life without him. The ending to my book was the beginning of my life. It was the story of us, and how we came to be. What started out as a journey for one girl who kept herself hidden in the darkness became the story of two souls connected and growing together in the light. I couldn’t imagine exactly what the future looked like for us or where in the world we would be, but I knew that none of it mattered because we were becoming a part of each other. There was no other place but where we were, as long as we were together.

In the morning, Jamie asked me about birth control. We hadn’t talked about it, and I assumed he was leaving it up to me. I had an idea of where Jamie stood on the matter.

“I haven’t been using any. Should I?”

“No,” was all I said. He squinted his eyes curiously, and he flashed me a small, tight smile before looking back down at his magazine.

Jamie rented a car and decided we would road-trip it back to Napa since I would be taking some of my belongings. We moved everything else from my place to the new gorgeous apartment Jamie bought, and then we left Chicago. We hoped that we would see everyone at our wedding in the spring.

We got to know each other in every possible way as we drove to southern California before heading up to Napa. We stayed in a cute boutique hotel in downtown San Diego overlooking the gorgeous bay near the East Village. We stopped into a restaurant called the Cowboy Star. Jamie went off to the restroom while I took a seat at the bar. I ordered a martini called a Mae West from their cocktail menu, and then a few moments later I heard Jamie behind me ask for a glass of the Lawson Pinot. I turned around and smiled. “Good choice, sailor.”

He sat on the stool next to me and held his hand out. “I’m Jamie.”

“Kate,” I said, as I shook his hand.

“It’s nice to meet you.” He bowed his head very slightly.

“That’s a very sexy wine you ordered.”

“Agreed. I know a little bit about it. I’m R. J. Lawson.”

“Get outta here.” I socked him in the arm.

He laughed. “It’s no lie.”

“But you said your name was . . .”

“Jamie. That’s right. That’s what my friends call me.”

“Jamie, huh? So we’re friends?”

“I’d like to be.” His gaze fell to my mouth.

I took a sip of my martini and worked very hard not to crack a smile. “Well, I’m Kate Corbin. I used to be a reporter for a newspaper, and I would have killed for an exclusive with you.”

“Sounds quite violent of you, Kate, but what the hell, I’m exclusively yours . . . Ask away.”

“I said I used to be a reporter.”

“Oh . . . I see. What do you do now?”

“I’m writing a book, actually, and I could use some inspiration.”

“How can I be of service to you?”

“Why don’t you tell me something about yourself that I won’t find on Wikipedia. Like, what’s next for you?”

“What’s next for me? Hmm . . . Just one thing?”

“Yeah, why not.”

“Okay, I’m hoping that by some serendipitous miracle I will end up in bed with an angel tonight.”

Looking sharply at him, I shook my head. “Seems impossible, and anyway, what fun is that? Angels are so pure.”

“Okay, maybe a mildly naughty angel.”

“What will you do with her?”

He arched his eyebrows, leaned in, and whispered, “Would you like a preview of what I would do to her?”

“Yes!” I practically shouted at him. My heart was racing, and I could feel the beginning of that pulsing ache between my legs.

He shook his head back and forth very slowly. “No, we only just met. I think we should take it slow.”

“What?” My voice got really high.

“Yeah, I mean, telling you, a complete stranger, a reporter no less, my innermost thoughts and feeling . . . I don’t know, it just seems a little reckless.”

“Is that how you want to play it?” I said before downing my entire martini in two gulps. He didn’t respond. He just watched me as I looked at the time on my phone and then reached into my purse and grabbed a ten-dollar bill. I threw it on the bar, waved to the bartender, and hopped off my stool.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m calling it a night. I hope you find your angel.” I winked at him.

He followed me all the way back to the hotel and then stepped in front of me to open the large glass door.

“Ma’am.”

“Sir, are you following me?”

He walked beside me toward the elevator. “I’m stalking you,” he said matter-of-factly. “I’m going to stalk you for the rest of my life.”

We stepped in and the doors closed. “Sounds terrifying.”

He pushed me against the wall and tried to kiss me, but I dodged his face back and forth. We started laughing. “For the love of god, let me kiss you.”

“I don’t kiss on the first date.”

“You had sex with me eighteen different ways on our first date.”

The elevator doors opened and I hurried out. “That wasn’t really our first date.”

“Okay, how about this, you stripped down and went skinny-dipping with me five hours after you met me.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“I’m charming.”

“You have an ego,” I said as I slipped the key card into the door and pushed it open.

“I like it when you’re a tease.”

I flipped on the lights as the door closed behind Jamie. I threw my purse and coat on a chair and put my hand on my hip. “Okay, then I’ll be a tease more often.”

“I’m lying, I don’t really like it when you’re a tease. Now, get naked,” he said as he tore his clothes off.

I obliged.

We were still naked in the morning, with the covers pulled all the way up to our necks. We were lying on our sides, facing each other and smiling like two lovesick kids. “You know what I find entertaining?”

“Tell me.”

He scowled and then spoke in a deep, steely voice. “Watching you squirm.” He laughed maniacally and then sunk beneath the sheets.

“You will not tickle me!” I protested.

He turned me forcefully so that I was lying flat on my stomach, and then he bit my butt.

“Ouch!”

From under the covers, I heard him mumble, “Oh sorry, baby.” He tore the sheets away and then grabbed my arms and forced them above my head. The light from the window was blaring across the bed. He didn’t move for several seconds, he just hovered, holding my hands tight. My face was resting sideways on the pillow so I could just barely see him in my peripheral vision. “Am I hurting you?”

“No, but what are you doing?”

“Looking at you.”

“Looking at my ass?”

“All of you. Your shoulders and your hair sweeping across your back. I’m looking at your breast pressed against the bed.” He paused. “I’m going to lick that soon, just so you know.”

I giggled into the pillow. “I’m starting to feel a little vulnerable and self-conscious here.”

“Why? You’re beautiful, Kate. You have a beautiful body,” he said seriously, and then laughed. “And a really nice ass.” He bit my butt again.

“Stop! You’re making me crazy.”

“Am I? I’m just looking at you, at what’s mine.”

“Listen, sailor, you don’t own me. I’m not yours.”

“You’re right, I don’t own you.” He bent, still hovering, but his mouth came close to my ear. “I never want to own you, but you are mine. You’re mine to love as long as you’ll let me.” He released my arms and then turned me onto my back. Smiling, he said, “Can I kiss you now?”

He didn’t wait for me to answer.

• • •

It was sunny the day we reached the winery. We were greeted by Susan and Guillermo and a very excited Chelsea. I learned that Susan had already begun planning the wedding and making travel arrangements for my family and friends in Chicago. She really was like a mother to Jamie, someone I felt would always be a large part of our lives. Her children were grown, and although she often laid on a thick layer of tough love, I knew underneath it she was a soft, loving, and warm person who put a lot of value on family.

We settled into our life in the barn. Jamie said we should stop calling it the barn and start calling it our home. I loved him for that spirit. He built me a writing loft inside of it with a window that looked out onto the vineyard. I spent most of my days up there writing, and sometimes I would look out and feel like my life couldn’t possibly be real. I would sit up there and watch Jamie interacting with the other workers or operating some huge machine or just standing out among the sea of vines, staring up at the sky and marveling at his own life, the same way I did.

Just Bob had sent me on a bit of a journey that year, and I didn’t blame him for making me think I should be closed off to love. I thanked him for showing me the contrast. It’s hard to know how green the grass is if you’ve never been on the other side of the fence. That’s the whole point, right? Sometimes I think that if I were preaching on the L to me from a year ago, I would simply say, “Live your fucking life, Kate, and let yourself be open to love.” But then I realize that’s not the kind of advice people understand and take. Everyone thinks they’re living their life.

This is what I would really say: “Leave your life. Leave everyone you love, every care, every stress, every commitment. Live alone. Understand what it feels like to know that if you go into cardiac arrest, choke on a piece of hot dog, or get electrocuted, no one will find you. You’ll rot. No one will mourn you. Imagine this feeling haunting your thoughts for the rest of your life. You’ll wither and vanish, and some stranger will take care of your things and your burial, and you may not even get a placard. Imagine that, live it, and let yourself believe that you should be alone, and then go back to the people who love you.” That is what I would preach. That is the challenge I would present. Gratitude is the quality of being thankful and the readiness to show appreciation in return. On my journey, I learned what it felt like to live. To live is to be grateful.

• • •

The sky was cloudless and more beautiful than usual on the day of our wedding. Jamie looked gorgeous in a black vest over a white dress shirt. I watched him standing under an iron arch, waiting for the ceremony to begin. I was hidden behind the massive tent set up for our reception, but could see through an opening that the seats on both sides of the aisle were filling up. We didn’t have a wedding party, but we had invited all of the greatest people we knew. Susan, Guillermo, Chef Mark, and their families were there. On my side were all my new siblings and their significant others. Even my newly acquired grandparents and stepmother were there. I spotted Jerry and Beth and smiled really wide when I saw Dylan and Ashley take a seat.

I watched Jamie for several moments. Sometimes you can learn even more about someone by watching them from afar. His shirtsleeves were rolled up and his hair was tousled messily. He was absolutely adorable, smiling at all of the guests. I could see the excitement coursing through him, and I could tell that he was touched by how many guests had come all that way to California for us.

The ceremony was to be a casual affair at dusk, that magical hour when the sun tucks itself behind the hills but the sky still glows steadily. I left my hair down in soft waves against my back. My veil was attached to a wreath made of wildflowers, and my bouquet was a bunched-up cluster of daisies and poppies. I wore a vintage white lace and satin dress and very natural makeup. I wanted to marry Jamie purely, as we were, the way we saw each other.

“There are a few things I need to say before I walk you down that aisle.”

I turned to see Paul, my father, looking dashing as ever in his black suit. “Hi, Dad.”

“Hi, sweetheart. First of all, Jamie is a lucky man. You’re beautiful and smart and you deserve to be cherished for the rest of your life. If you don’t think with a hundred percent certainty that Jamie will be able to do that, then I will bust you out of here in ten seconds flat. Just say the words. There’s still time,” he said in the most pragmatic tone.

We both laughed. “I’m sure, Dad.”

“Okay, fine. The next thing is that if you don’t know with one hundred percent certainty that you will be head-over-heels in love with Jamie forever and a day, then I will do the same—I will bust you out of here. That’s my job, if the need arises.”

“You won’t need to do that. I know what Jamie and I have.”

He nodded. “Okay, now, as for you and me, I want to make a promise to you that I will be here for you, no matter what, until the day I die. Even though you met your husband before your father, it doesn’t mean that you’re not still my baby, and I would do anything to protect you.”

“I know,” I said and then kissed him on the cheek.

“You have to promise me something.”

“Yes.”

“When you finish polishing that manuscript, you’ll send it to me first.”

“I promise.”

“Good, now we have a wedding to attend.” He stuck his elbow out to me, and without hesitation I took his arm. I watched Jamie the moment I turned the corner. There was a magical light in his eye as I came walking down the aisle. He watched me with wonder and amazement until I reached him, and then he smiled at me so beautifully it made my legs shaky. There were no words, just a knowing exchange from my father to Jamie, two cordial smiles and a handshake.

He took my hand in his as we turned to face the officiant. Under his breath, Jamie said, “You’re even more beautiful than I imagined. How is that possible?”

It took everything in me not to lean up and kiss him. Instead, I squeezed his arm and quietly said, “Thank you.”

Our ceremony was like being in a bubble. I knew our loved ones were watching, but we were able to tune out the world and take each other in. I could tell when we read each other our vows that Jamie felt the same way, like we were the only people in the world.

“Katy, my angel. Since the day I met you, I’ve been falling in love with you, and I vow to never stop. There is nowhere else in the world I would rather be than by your side. Nowhere but here do I feel as whole and most genuinely me. I promise I will do the best by you and our children.” He swallowed and his eyes began to water. “I promise that these hands will hold you with passion and thoughtfulness and warmth and respect every day for the rest of my life.” I had never seen a man look so equally strong and sensitive. My lip began to quiver and my eyes filled with tears. He squeezed my hands, encouraging me to say my vows.

“Jamie, you are my light. When I found you I could finally see the leaves on the trees and the intricate details in fabric. I could finally hear the birds calling to each other. I finally felt alive. I woke up when I met you, and you’ve given me more than you can imagine. I promise to never take the love that exists within us for granted. I will stand by you no matter what, and I will be grateful. I will give you everything that I have inside of me for all the days of my life.”

Without permission, we kissed. There were a few moments in that kiss where I lost track of where we were. His lips were so gentle but determined. When he finally broke away, he said, “I love you,” as if it were the first time he had said it.

I smiled. “I love you, too.” In that moment, I finally became aware of the guests as they started to clap. My sister Skylar hit the first note on the piano, which cued us to walk back down the aisle and toward the tent. We walked hand in hand, saying hi to everyone and smiling. There was thrilling energy running between me and Jamie.

Our reception was intimate and romantic. The tent was lined with white lights. Each of the long farmhouse tables had sunflowers and other wildflowers in vases running down the center. The food was impeccable, of course, thanks to Chef Mark, who had hired the best. I left the entertainment up to Jamie, so I was a little surprised that I didn’t see a DJ set up. Skylar played to us through dinner, and then just before it was time to cut the cake, I turned to Jamie. “What’s the entertainment?”

With no trace of humor, he said, “Karaoke, of course.”

“You’re kidding?” I was actually a little peeved.

“I am kidding. I wouldn’t do that to you. The entertainment is my wedding gift, and it’s a surprise.” He smirked.

“Oh, I’ll give you your gift later.” I winked.

“You better. We have to consummate this marriage, you know.”

“Oh, I think we’ve covered that.”

He frowned. “You mean we’re not going to . . . on our wedding night?”

“We can, but that’s not my gift to you.”

“You’re gonna make me crazy thinking about it.”

After we cut the cake, I noticed someone began setting up instruments on a little stage at the end of the tent.

Two people took the stage, and as I got closer I recognized that it was Mia and Will Ryan, a musician couple that I had been following for a few years. They had their two young sons sitting at the front of the stage, their little legs dangling over the edge. One held a tambourine and the other had some sort of shaker. Will spoke into the microphone.

“Good evening. My family and I are honored to be a part of this day.” He spoke confidently and clearly as he made eye contact with Jamie and me. Mia gazed over at him with the most tranquil and loving smile. “To exist in each other’s souls so strongly that you are bound without a physical tie is the greatest mark of love, and Jamie and Kate are lucky enough to be blessed with it.” He held up a champagne glass, as did the rest of the guests. “May your heaven be here on earth with each other always. To Jamie and Kate!”

The whole group yelled, “To Jamie and Kate!” and clinked their glasses along with us. We kissed and then Mia took to the piano and Will picked up his guitar and they immediately went into an original upbeat song. Someone else played the bongos and another musician played the stand-up bass. The little boys played their instruments at the front of the stage as if they had done it a million times. It was a true family affair. Jamie took me in his arms, spun me around, dipped me, and then kissed me very seriously.

“What do you think?” he said after catching his breath.

“I am truly amazed. What did you have to pay to get them here?”

“They were on the West Coast and needed very little convincing. They’re genuinely good people.”

“Well, this is amazing.”

He stared down at me, mesmerized. “I like this,” he said, pointing to the wreath that held my veil. “Truly, my angel, aren’t you?”

“I’ll be whatever you want me to be, Jamie Lawson. I am so in love with you.”

After Mia and Will wrapped up their set, we said our good-byes to them and then to the rest of the guests. Jamie seemed very eager to get back to our little house in the barn.

We walked hand in hand through the dark vineyard until we reached the single light outside the door to our home.

“Here we go,” he said as he swooped me up in his arms. Once inside, he kissed me near our bed, a very tender and loving kiss. He took my veil off and set it aside while he kicked his own shoes off. He unzipped my dress slowly and cautiously. I wore a white silk and lace slip underneath. “Wow, this is even better than the black.” I helped him remove his clothes and then I marveled at Jamie in all of his naked glory. There was one warm, soft light silhouetting him and shining on me. I traced his broad shoulders and defined arms. He kissed me on the mouth and traveled down until he was kissing me through the silk, down my side to my hip.

“Jamie?” I said quietly.

He was on his knees at that point as I stood in front of him. His hands traveled up the back of my legs and slowly pulled my lace panties down. Between kisses through the silk, he said, “Yes, what is it?”

“I want to tell you about your gift.”

He still had not looked up at me. He pushed me to sit on the edge of the bed and then began kissing a trail up my inner thigh. “Okay, tell me, baby,” he whispered.

“You’re going to be a father.”

He stopped kissing and looked up at me. There was so much love in his expression. I wished that I could bottle it. “Really?” Tears quickly filled his eyes.

I smiled and began crying myself. “Yes. We’re going to have a baby.”

He stood up, reached for the hem of my slip, and pulled it over my head, then he moved us up onto the bed together. He kissed everywhere and then stopped near my stomach and spoke quietly. “I loved you before you existed, and I’ll love you after I’m gone.” I felt a tear hit my belly. He kissed it away and then looked up at me. “Thank you. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.”

“Me, too,” I whispered.