One Summer

51

Jack lay on his back in the room of the lighthouse that contained the lighting machinery. His hands were greasy, he was hot and sweaty, there was dust in his throat, and he was not making much progress. He’d followed the schematic detailing of the electrical and operational guts of the machinery to the letter, but still something was off. He angled his work light into a narrow gap between two metal plates.

“Dad?”

He jerked up and hit his head on a piece of metal. Rubbing the injured spot, he pulled himself out from the confined space and looked over at the opening to the area below. Mikki, her hair plastered back on her head, was staring back up at him.

“Mik, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Dad.”

He scrutinized her. “You’re wet.”

“It’s raining.”

He looked out the window. “Oh. I guess I came out here before it started.”

“Can I come up?”

He gave her a hand and pulled her into the small space.

As she drew closer, he said, “It looks like you’ve been crying. Liam didn’t—”

“No, Dad. It has nothing to do with him. Liam was great. We had an awesome date. I... I really like him. A lot.”

Jack relaxed. “Okay, but then why...?”

She took her dad’s hand and drew him over to a narrow ledge that ran the length of the room under the window. They sat.

“We need to talk.”

“What about?” he said warily.

“What happened with Mom, you, me. Everything, basically.”

“Now?”

“I think so, yeah.”

Jack wiped his hands with a rag and tossed it down.

“Look, I know you guys think it’s crazy what I’m doing out here. And hell, maybe it is.”

She put a hand on his arm to forestall him. “No, Dad, I don’t think it’s crazy.” She paused. “Jenna talked to me about some things.”

“What things?” Jack said abruptly.

“Like how you’ve basically been through hell and we all need to cut you some slack and that everybody grieves in their own way.”

“Oh.” Jack looked over at the lighting apparatus and then back at her. “I’m trying to get through this, Mikki; I really am. It’s just not easy. Some days I feel okay; some days I feel completely lost.”

Mikki’s face crumpled, and she began to sob as she poured her heart out. “Dad, I was just so scared when you were sick. I didn’t know how to handle it. So I just thought if I ran away from it all, I wouldn’t have to deal with it. It was selfish. I’m so sorry.”

He put his arm around her heaving shoulders and let her cry. When she was done, he handed her a clean rag to wipe her eyes.

“Mikki, you are one smart kid, but you’re also only sixteen. You’re not supposed to have all the answers. I’m thirty-five and I don’t have all the answers either. I think people need to cut you some slack too.”

“But I still should have known,” she said, another sob hiccuping out of her.

He stroked her hair. “Let me tell you something. When my dad was dying, I did pretty much the same thing. At first I was sad, and then I was scared. I would go to bed at night scared and wake up scared. I would see him walking around in his pajamas in the middle of the day. He was just waiting to die. No hope. And this was a big strong guy I’d always looked up to. And now he was all weak and helpless. And I didn’t want to remember my dad like that. So I just pushed everything inside. And I tuned everyone out. Even him. I was selfish too. I was a coward. Maybe that’s why I went into the military. To prove that I actually had some courage.”

She looked at him with wide, dry eyes. “You did, honest?”

“Yeah.”

“Life really sucks sometimes,” Mikki said, as she sat back and wiped her nose.

“Yeah, sometimes it really does. But then sometimes it’s wonderful and you forget all about the bad stuff.”

She looked down, nervously twisting her fingers.

“Mik, is there something else you need to tell me?”

“Will you promise not to get mad?”

Jack sighed. “Is that a condition of you telling me?”

“I guess not, but I was only hoping.”

“You can tell me anything.”

She turned to face him and drew a long breath. “I was the one who talked to that gossip paper.”

Jack gaped at her. “You?”

Fresh tears spilled down Mikki’s cheeks. “I know it was so stupid. And it got completely out of hand. Most of the junk he wrote he just made up.”

“But how did you know about any of it?”

“I overheard you and Mom talking the night she died. And I saw what that jerk Bill Miller did.”

“But why would you talk to a tabloid? You know what those papers do. It made your mom look...”

“I know. I’m so sorry, Dad. It was so totally stupid. I... I don’t know why I did it. I was confused and angry. And I know you probably hate me. And I don’t blame you. I hate myself for doing it.” All of this came out in a rush that left her so out of breath she nearly gagged.

Jack put his arms around her and drew her to him. “Just calm down. It doesn’t matter anymore. You messed up. And you admitted to it. That took a lot of courage.”

Mikki was shaking. “I don’t feel brave. I feel like a shit. I know you hate me. Don’t you?”

“It’s actually against the law for a dad to hate his daughter.”

“I’m just really, really sorry, Dad. Now that my head’s on right about things, it just seems so stupid what I did.”

“I don’t think either of us was thinking too clearly for a while.”

“Will you ever be able to forgive me? To trust me again?”

“I do, on both counts.”

“Just like that?”

He touched her cheek. “Just like that.”

“Why?”

“Something called unconditional love, honey.”