Out of Time

21

A few days later, someone knocked on my dorm door, and I put my history book aside, climbed out of bed, and answered it. Marie wasn’t here, and I was catching up on some studying I’d been severely behind on lately. I had been missing Finn and crying myself to sleep.

It was the weekend, and I’d been dragging myself around with less than an hour of sleep per night for almost a week. Tonight I might break down and take a Nyquil or something that would knock me flat on my back. This no-sleep stuff was for the birds.

But first, I had to open the door.

I yawned, covering my mouth, and swung the door open. As soon as I could see who stood in the hallway, I cringed inwardly. It was Cory. He smiled at me and smoothed his light blue polo. “Hey, Carrie.”

“Oh.” I forced a smile. “Hey.”

“We haven’t talked in a while, so I thought I’d stop by.” He paused. “Can I come in?”

I hesitated. Cory was harmless and all, but it felt wrong to invite him in when Finn wasn’t here. “I don’t know. I’m kind of a mess right now.”

“You look fine to me.” He looked me up and down, taking in my gray sweatpants and pink T-shirt. “What’s wrong? You look upset.”

That’s because I was upset. Finn was gone. “It’s been a rough couple of days.” I stepped out of the way and let him in. “You can stay if you want, but I’m just studying. Nothing too exciting.”

“Want to study and eat?” He looked at my open book, then at my bed. “You look like you could use a good meal. Or we could go do something fun for a change.”

I stood in front of my bed. Should I sit down on it, or would that be weird? “I already ate. And I told you, I have to study.”

“When’s the last time you did something besides hang out with your boyfriend or study?” Cory asked. “I never see you around anymore. You don’t go to parties or mixers. Don’t hang out with any of us. It’s like you don’t exist.”

I smoothed my hair self-consciously. Marie had been telling me I needed to go out and socialize, too, but I hadn’t been in the mood. Was that so bad? What if Finn called when I was out? Or if he emailed me and…

Oh my God. I’d become one of those girls without even realizing it. I’d turned into a shell of the person I’d been. “I’ve been busy,” I said a bit defensively.

“I know. We all have been, but we’re about to all go home for the holidays. Wouldn’t you like to have some fun first?”

I pictured Finn’s face. He wouldn’t like me going out with Cory. But he was here, and he had a point. I’d been a bit of a hermit. “I have a boyfriend.”

“I know.” He rubbed his stomach in a distracted manner. “I remember him quite well, actually. I’m not going to hit on you or anything. We’ll just go out and eat.”

“I don’t know…”

“We can do something fun, you know.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet. “Marie is going skateboarding with some guy she met the other week, at a place down the road. Want to meet up with her? That way it’s not just the two of us.”

Crap. Skateboarding. I’d forgotten that’s what she was doing tonight. No wonder she kept trying to get me to come. I’d already said I would. It would be safer, too, since Marie was there. Going out alone with Cory felt wrong. “You know what? Let’s do it. Let me get changed.”

He grinned and sat down on Marie’s bed. “I’ll wait here.”

“Okay.” I dug through my clothes and pulled out jeans and a green shirt. “How long of a walk is it? Or should we drive?”

“Driving would be quicker.”

“Give me five.”

I left the room and headed into the communal bathroom, shutting a stall door behind me. Pulling out my phone, I texted Marie and confirmed she was skateboarding. Next I texted Hernandez—even though his name was Joseph, I could never remember to call him that.

Finn called him Hernandez, so I did. Going skateboarding.

He wrote back right away. What is this, high school? And with who?

Marie and some other friends. Cory too.

Coram hates him.

I rolled my eyes. Yeah. I know. But it’s fine.

All right. I’m outside.

I set down my phone, got dressed, and fixed my appearance a little. I was out in less than five minutes. As I breezed back into my room, I called out, “Ready?”

“Yeah.” Cory stood up. “And Carrie?”

I picked up my keys. “Yeah?”

“I know who you really are.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “Just wanted to put that out there.”

I blinked at him. “What are you saying?”

“Carrie Wallington. Daughter of Senator Wallington, who is pro—”

I held up a hand, my heart thumping in my ears so loudly I could barely think. This wasn’t good at all. If he knew, he held the power in our relationship. He could do anything he wanted, and I wouldn’t be able to stop him. I swallowed hard. “When did you figure it out?”

“When they came to visit. I saw you out at the sushi place with them. I realized who he was, and I put two and two together.” He shrugged. “Plus, you had security following you while they were here.”

I closed my eyes. Dad and his stupid insecurities ruining everything. Now I had a potential blackmail situation on my hands. “Did you tell anyone?”

“No, of course not,” he said, looking at me as if I’d hurt his feelings. “I wouldn’t do that. You didn’t tell me, or anyone else that I know of, so why would I do it for you?”

I studied him. He looked as if he actually meant it…for now. Would that hold true over the next four years? Maybe even more, if we went to the same grad school. I’d have to tread carefully from now on.

I gave him a small smile, trying to hide my suspicion behind a calm façade. If he knew I was freaking out, he would know how much power he held over me. “Thank you. I don’t want people knowing about it.”

“I figured.” He took his hands out of his pockets and opened the door for me. “Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.”

I looked over my shoulder at him, trying to look as if I believed him one hundred percent when I so didn’t. “All right. Let’s go skateboarding.”

Finn

I leaned back against the cracked wall, my computer on my lap. It was the first night in a while we were actually in a hotel instead of a fucking tent or some other shithole. This building was hardly the Ritz or anything, but it had walls and a roof and minimal bugs. I’d take it.

Plus, it had Wi-Fi. Fuck, I’d missed Wi-Fi.

I logged into my email, immediately opening Carrie’s latest one. It was from last night at about midnight her time. I waited for the words to load, tapping my finger on my knee the whole time.

Hey Susan,

I hope you’re doing well. Guess what? I went out last night, despite my melancholy mood. You would’ve been proud of me. I went skateboarding—yes, skateboarding—with Marie, Cory, and a bunch of friends. I didn’t even fall off…a lot.

Can you believe that?

When you get home, we should go. You’d like it.

Well, it’s after midnight and I’m sore and tired. Wear sunglasses today. I hear the sun is shining really bright.

Carrie

I closed my eyes and grinned, picturing her skateboarding with a big smile on her face. Not even the fact that she’d gone with Golden Boy could ruin my happiness for her. She was out living, even without me, and that made me happy.

I didn’t think anything would make me happy in this shithole I was stuck in.

I pulled her picture out from underneath my pillow. The one I’d taken outside of my apartment a few days before I’d left. I ran my finger over the smooth surface and swallowed hard. Sometimes I wished I hadn’t taken this offer. I could have been the one skateboarding with her. I could be holding her in my arms right now.

Shaking my head, I set her picture down and typed a quick reply. I only had two hours of down time, and I needed to catch some fucking zzz’s.

Carrie,

Skateboarding, huh? That sounds fun…for a thirteen-year-old. ;)

I’m doing well here. Sunning every day. You won’t even recognize me when I get home. That’s how dark I’m getting in all this bright sunshine.

Get some sleep.

Susan

The door opened and I looked up. It was my roommate for the night, my superior, Eric Dotter. He rubbed his eyes and flung himself on to the bed next to mine. “Jesus, I’ve never been so fucking tired in my life.”

I hit send and looked down at the twenty other emails I had—some from Dad, some from Hernandez—and sighed. I couldn’t leave it open and disturb Dotter. “I hear ya, sir.” I closed the lid to my laptop and set it aside. “I could sleep three days straight and not even roll over.”

“I could do five.” Dotter yawned, long and drawn out. “Nope. Make it six.”

I settled back against the pillows, my hand going out to the spot Carrie was supposed to be. The bed felt foreign and empty. This wasn’t where I was supposed to be, damn it. “Yeah, me too.”

“We’re going even deeper into the desert tomorrow than we did yesterday.” Dotter heaved a long sigh. “Can you believe her? She’s got a death wish.”

“Yeah, and she’s going to drag us all down with her.” I tucked Carrie’s picture under my pillow. “We’ve got almost two hours left. I’ll catch you on the flip side of our night.”

Dotter chuckled. “Good night.”

“Night,” I replied.

I laid there, looking up at the dark ceiling for a few minutes, willing my brain to shut down. It finally did, as Dotter’s soft snores filled the room. But that’s not what I heard as I drifted off. No, I heard Carrie’s soft laughter as she climbed the rock wall on that day that felt like a year ago.

And I fell asleep with a smile on my face, despite the hell I was in.