Out of Time

8

I stomped my way upstairs and made it to my room in record time. I hadn’t slept in this room since the night before Finn and I got back together, and I really didn’t want to be here now. I don’t know what had happened out there, but it had escalated really, really fast. Like, supersonic speed fast.

I unlocked the door and shut it behind me, breathing heavily. I squeezed my eyes shut, refusing to cry. Refusing to let this get to me. We had enough crap going on right now, and then we had to go and ruin what should have been a date night with anger and shouting. What was wrong with us that we couldn’t gain some sort of equilibrium where there wasn’t something wrong all the time?

I smacked the door behind me with my open palm so hard it made my hand sting and ache. “Goddamn it all to hell.”

“Uh, Carrie?” Marie asked, her voice quiet. “You okay over there?”

I opened my eyes and quickly located her. She sat at the table with her books open. She had her long platinum blonde hair in a sloppy bun, and black glasses perched on her perfect nose that only brought out her bright eyes even more. The irony of Marie home studying while I was out with a guy struck home as it well should.

That’s probably what I should have been doing instead of fighting with Finn.

“Not really,” I managed to say before I broke down and burst into tears. I quickly covered my face, trying to hide myself from her and the world. I didn’t do this. Didn’t cry in front of people. What had happened to me lately? “Oh my God. I’m so sorry.”

“Shh,” Marie said. I heard a shuffling sound and then her arms were around me. “Don’t apologize. Just cry if you need to.”

I took a gulping breath and sobbed into her shoulder, holding on to her as if she was the only thing keeping me afloat in the middle of the ocean. This whole situation was ridiculous, because we weren’t even close, really, and yet I was crying all over her. By the time I finished, she was soaked and I was embarrassed more than words could say.

I pulled back and she hugged me tighter, not letting me go. “Give it another second. You might not be done yet.”

I swiped my hands under my eyes and laughed nervously, feeling like a complete idiot. “I’m good.”

“Okay.” Marie let go of me and backed up a few steps, her lips pursed as she studied me through her glasses. “Now tell me what happened.”

“I…well…” I broke off, not sure where to start or what to say. Or how much of it to say. “I got in a fight with my boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend?” Her eyes narrowed. “Who is he?”

“No one you know. He doesn’t go here.” I waved a hand. “It’s not important. He might be leaving soon, and we tried to have a romantic night, but we got in a fight.”

“Where’s he going?”

I swallowed hard. Call me crazy, but I wasn’t ready to trust her with all my juicy secrets. We barely talked aside from the pleasantries most roommates shared such as “I’ll be out late tonight” or “I’m bringing a guy home.”

I met her eyes. “His work might be sending him away.”

“Oh, that sucks.” She nodded. “I dated a guy once who was a drummer in a band. It was right when we moved out here for school. He was never around, and when he was, all he wanted was sex. We never even talked, really. It took me a little while to realize I was nothing but a convenience for him when he was in town. He probably had one of me in every city his band played.”

Marie pressed her lips together, looking angry at the memory. I reached out and squeezed her hand reassuringly. “He sounds like a real jerk.”

“He was.” Marie gave me a small smile. “Is that how your guy is?”

“No. He’s…he’s great,” I said, my voice breaking. “That’s why I have no idea what the heck happened tonight. One second he was fine, and the next he was yelling and being nasty. I’ve never seen him like that.”

Marie nodded. “Do you think he’s stressed out about maybe leaving? Stress can cause men to act like weirdos. One time my dad was acting like a jerk, and we had no idea why. Turned out, he had learned he had cancer and was processing it all. And one of the ways he did it was by ranting at the whole world.”

I swallowed hard. It hadn’t occurred to me until now, but Finn and Marie had both lost a parent at the same age. “God, that’s awful. I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah, it sucks,” she said softly, her eyes sad despite her words. “But thanks.”

I hugged her, feeling like an idiot. All this time I’d been judging her as vapid and empty, and here she was making me feel better. Sharing life stories with me. I hadn’t treated her fairly, but I made a vow to stop doing it. “I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet with you. I…I’m not used to this kind of life. I’m not good at this.”

Marie grinned. “You mean like how you didn’t want to bathe the first week because people might see you in the communal shower?”

I facepalmed myself. “You noticed?”

“It was pretty hard to miss. You were hand bathing for a while.”

“Yeah. It was pretty pathetic.”

“Pretty much,” she teased, her eyes sparkling again. “But anyway, about your man…do you think that’s what this was about? Him taking out his stress on you?”

I straightened my back. “Now that you mention it, that’s probably what this was. He’s nervous and he lashed out at me. That’s what he was trying to talk to me about. I’m such an idiot.”

“It’s not your fault. Guys are weird,” Marie said, patting my back. “How are we supposed to understand how their brains work?”

“I have to go find him.” I grabbed the knob, but froze with my hand on it. “Hey, thank you. I’m sorry I cried all over you. I owe you a shirt.”

Marie grinned. “It’s okay. It was kind of nice to be the one comforting someone else for once. I’m usually the one who’s a mess.” Marie met my eyes. “Besides, I picked one up from the lobby earlier. Thanks for the donation.”

I froze. “You know?”

“Well, I did see it laying out on the bed earlier, and then it was in that mysterious donation box.” She shrugged. “It wasn’t hard to figure out. But don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.”

“Thank you.” I hesitated. “You can have first pick if you want.”

She laughed. “I might agree to that.”

“Okay.” I still didn’t leave. Instead, I looked at her again, trying to see past the smile and glasses. Maybe it was time to try being friends with a girl for once. I hadn’t really wanted to try again, after all the girls I grew up with turned out to be major bitches. But maybe it was time to grow up a bit, like Finn said. “Hey, want to go get coffee sometime? Maybe talk some more?”

Her cheeks flushed and she wrapped her arms around herself. “I’d like that. Now go get him…whoever he is.”

Maybe I’d tell her tomorrow, but tonight I had to go get my man.

I closed the door behind me and rushed down the stairs, passing a surprised-looking Cory without so much as a word. As I dialed the local cab company, I decided to see what I could do about getting a car ASAP. Calling a cab every other day was ridiculous.

“Yes, hello. I’d like a cab to get me at—” I broke off as soon as I saw him. Finn hadn’t left. He sat on the bench outside my dorm room, his face in his hands. “Never mind.”

I hung up on the cab company and slowly walked over to him. He looked so vulnerable.

He’d taken off his jacket and tossed it on the ground, and his tie hung loosely off his neck. My heart broke at the sight of him. When I stopped directly in front of him, I fisted my dress in my hands and tried to figure out what to say that wouldn’t lead to another fight.

“You ready to talk without the fighting?”

His head snapped up and his bright blue eyes pinned me in place. He swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “I’m sorry. So fucking sorry.”

“I know.” I sat down beside him and sighed. “I am, too.”

He gave a harsh laugh. “You didn’t do anything to be sorry for. I’m the one who took a simple conversation and turned it into this.”

“I’m the one who got angry and didn’t let you talk.” I took a deep breath and rested my hand on his knee. “You’re nervous, aren’t you? That’s what you wanted to talk about? What you were trying to say?”

He shook his head, his expression ironic. “Nervous? I’m fucking terrified. I’m scared because your father isn’t texting me, and I have to go talk to my C.O. I’m terrified because the one time that I try to do something nice for you, I fucked it up.”

“It’s okay. I get it.”

“It’s not fucking okay. That’s not all I’m scared about.” He dragged his hands down his face and looked at me, his eyes raw and open. “I’m scared your father is going to shove me out of your life when he finds out about us. That he’s going to make you see I’m not good enough for you or your world. But most of all? I’m scared you’ll realize it all on your own without him there to tell you.”

I recoiled. That’s not what I’d expected him to be scared of, for God’s sake. He was supposed to be afraid of leaving and war and guns. Not something that would never, ever happen. “That’s ridiculous.”

“No, it’s not. It’s the fucking truth.” He lifted his head. “How many presidents’ daughters have you seen married to bikers, standing up there on the stage during the primaries, with their ink hanging out for all of America to see?”

All my life, I’d lived according to my father’s plans. I’d missed my own graduation because we had to go out of town campaigning for the senatorial primaries. I’d given up everything for my father’s agenda, but I wouldn’t be giving up my Finn.

I pressed my lips together. “None. Now ask me how much I care about that?”

“You might not care now, but you will eventually.” He gestured toward the moon, his entire body seeming tense and angry. And a little bit…defeated, maybe? “It’s only a matter of time, but I have a plan. I’m going to—”

“Shut. Up.”

He turned to me, his jaw squared off in that way he always did when he was determined to win a fight, but there would be no victory this time. “I know I said some mean things in our time together, but the truth is…you are younger than me. You don’t know how cruel the world is. The first thing your father is going to say when he finds out about us—once he’s done pounding me into the dirt, that is—is that I’m not good enough for you. And he’ll be right. But I’m going to fix it.”

“How many times do we have to go over this?” I asked through my teeth. “There’s nothing to fix. We’re not broken in the first place.”

“I know you love me and you know I love you, too.” He reached out and grabbed my hand, squeezing it tight. “But I can see how this is going to end, Ginger. I’ll stay until you send me away, but it’ll happen at one point if I don’t take the necessary steps to avoid it.”

I blinked away tears. “It sounds to me like you’re just making excuses so you can walk away with a clear conscience.”

He made a tortured sound and shook his head. “Hell no. Never.”

“If you want to walk away…” I said, my voice breaking so badly I couldn’t even finish the sentence. The mere thought of Finn leaving me was enough to break me.

He swiped away tears off my cheeks I hadn’t even realized escaped, hugged me tight against his chest, and buried his face in my neck. “I don’t want to lose you. I just say all this shit and ruin perfect nights because of my stupid fears, but I’m not scared anymore. I know what to do to make us work.”

I curled my hands into his shirt. “We already work.”

“Now, yeah. But once you graduate, it’ll be different. We’ll have to be different.”

I wanted to fight him on this, but I knew no matter what I said, he wouldn’t believe me. He was convinced I was my father’s puppet who would break up with him if Daddy told me to. I’d have to prove him wrong. “What are you planning to do?”

“I’m going to change.”

I narrowed my eyes, trying to make sense of his words. “I don’t want you to change. Even if he doesn’t like you, I won’t care.”

He rubbed my head almost absentmindedly. “It’s the one conflict in our life I can see coming—and avoid. He’s going to fire me. Hell, he could even sue me. It was in the contract that I couldn’t touch you.”

“He put that in there?” I asked, gripping my dress tight.

“Yeah.”

I shook my head. My father was freaking ridiculous. “If he does, then we’ll handle it together. Right?” I bit down on my lower lip. “Maybe you could do something else.”

He pushed me away and squeezed my arms with a smile on his face. “Exactly. Like I said. Change.”

I hesitated, my heart picking up speed. This kind of change I could probably work with. “What are you going to do?”

“I can maybe change my MOS.”

I blinked. “What’s an MOS?”

“It stands for Military Occupational Specialty, but it’s basically my position. My career in the Marines.”

I nodded. “What would you change it to?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe I could go into active duty with the Marines. I bet that will look good on Election Day. Having a Marine up on the stage with him in Dress Blues. He can’t complain about that, can he?” he asked me, his eyes on mine.

“No. Of course not.” And just like that, down came my bubble. “But what about going back to school? Becoming a chef or a surf instructor? I don’t know. Something.” I shrugged. “Growing up, was there something you wanted to be?”

He blinked at me, a weird look on his face. “Um, I wanted to work on computers as a kid. You know, build them.”

I perked up at that. Computers were safe. “Well, you could go to school for that.”

“I could.” He straightened up, blinking rapidly. “I don’t even have to re-up when my time is up, if I don’t want to. Or, I can become a commissioned officer and get a job in that field through the Marines.” He snapped his fingers. “Ooh, yeah. That’ll look really good on your father’s campaign. An officer at his side.”

“I don’t care about his fucking campaign!” I shouted, my hands curled into tight balls. God, Dad had gotten to Finn, too. Without even trying. His reach was that freaking far. “I care about you. About us.”

“But this is for us.” He stood up and paced, his steps hurried and uneven. He stepped on his jacket and didn’t even care. “We won’t have to worry about what happens after he kills me—as long as he doesn’t actually kill me, that is.” He swung me into his arms and hugged me tight. “This obstacle between us? It’s gone. I can be that guy.”

The obstacle that didn’t exist? Yeah. It was gone.

“I don’t think you need to be any guy but you. I love you the way you are—tattoos and all.”

He grinned down at me. “And I love you for that.”

He kissed me hard, right in front of my dorm in the moonlight. I clung to him, gripping his dress shirt in my fists and pulling him closer. By the time he pulled back, I forgot all about what we were saying.

All I knew was Finn was smiling at me, and he looked happy.

I wasn’t about to ruin it.