Paris Noir

Rue des Degrés[11] by Didier Daeninckx

Porte Saint-Denis

Not very far from what used to be the cour des Miracles, rue de Cléry and rue Beauregard almost merge. They are separated only by a narrow series of old buildings, with sweatshops and showrooms in them. The clacking of sewing machines mingles with the noise of traffic, the shouts of men pushing hand trucks and carrying clothing, and the curses of drivers blocked on the street by the interminable deliveries. The eyes of women with plunging necklines glitter in the shadow of the doorways. Men look at them longingly, hesitating over their beers. Just before they meet the Grands Boulevards at the Porte Saint-Denis, the twin streets are linked together thanks to the smallest street in Paris, six yards long at the most, in fact a set of stairs with fourteen steps that gives the street its name: rue des Degrés. A lamppost, steps framed by two walls, and a metal handrail in the middle shined to brilliance by the clothing of countless passersby rubbing against it.

That was where the cleaning lady of Chez Victoria found the corpse of Flavien Carvel while taking out the garbage cans at daybreak, below a red stencil of a punk girl’s face with the caption, What if I lowered my eyes? He was lying on his belly across the flight of stairs, and his bloody head was resting on the pile of flattened cartons left there by the neighborhood storekeepers. Brown stains cut across the right-hand wall, under the flaking billboard for Artex Industries. When the policemen turned the body over, they saw that the blood had flowed from his belly, stab wounds no doubt, drenching the head of hair lying below it on the steps. As they were roping off the area, one of the men, Lieutenant Mattéo, followed other signs along the walls of rue Beauregard up to the café Le Mauvoisin. The owner was raising its iron curtain. Over the sign for the café, a candle was burning at the feet of a Madonna sheltered in a niche of the wall.

“You closed late, last night?”

“Shut down by midnight... Somebody complain?”

“No, the only one who could have has no way to do it anymore! Everything calm? Nothing special happen?”

He raised a hand to his mustache and stroked it a couple of times, spreading his thumb and index finger.

“No, almost nobody here because of the soccer game, since I never put in a TV... I run a café, not an entertainment center. Two customers at the little table, under the photo of the Voisin girl, the poisoner — she lived here, they say... I was waiting for them to finish their beers before I packed it up.”

The police officer stepped forward to take a look inside. It smelled of dampness and cold tobacco.

“Was one of them blond, kind of long hair, wearing black jeans, white sneakers, and a reporter jacket... About twenty-five...?”

“Yeah... the one facing me. He had a couple of beers — Leffes — but he couldn’t hold his drink... unless he started before he got to my place. They walked out onto the sidewalk, toward where you are, they walked maybe fifteen yards away while I was locking up. I remember they stopped to keep talking. The young one you’re talking about leaned against the wall while the other guy crossed the street toward rue de la Lune, a little lower down. He clearly didn’t feel like dragging the other guy along. Not very nice, leaving a pal in such a bad state... The guy in jeans staggered away toward the Porte Saint-Denis, and I went home to bed.”

Lieutenant Mattéo looked the owner of Le Mauvoisin up and down.

“Sorry, but I don’t think you’re opening this morning... You’re going to have to come along with me. Your last customer of the night wasn’t drunk: He’d just been stabbed in the belly a couple of times. We picked him up off the stairs of rue des Degrés. The bloodstains begin at the exact spot you just pointed out to me.”

His interrogation revealed that the two men had come into the café one after the other, Carvel first, around 11:00, then his presumed murderer ten minutes later. They had talked quietly, in low voices; it was impossible to grasp the topic of their conversation. It was the victim who had paid for the drinks, with a fifty-euro bill. The second man was about thirty. The café owner didn’t know him, any more than he knew the man he had been talking to. Elegantly dressed, shorter than average, brown hair, a round face, he talked with a slight Spanish accent.

“He had a little birthmark near his temple that he kept trying to hide by pulling a lock of hair forward. Kind of a nervous tic...”

They learned almost everything about Flavien Carvel from the passport and other ID they found in the pockets of his reporter jacket. He was born April 21, 1982 in Antony, listed his profession as “decorator,” and lived on the impasse du Gaz in La Plaine-Saint-Denis. The visas and stamps decorating his passport showed that over the last eight months, Carvel had traveled to the United States, Australia, Japan, Vanuatu, and Lebanon for visits never longer than a week. Robbery was not the motive of the crime since the murderer had not taken his collection of credit cards or the eight hundred euros in cash that filled his pockets.

Mattéo discovered a piece of newspaper slipped between the plastic rectangles of the American Express Platinum and Visa Infinity cards; someone had penned on it:

He had gone to La Plaine-Saint-Denis early in the afternoon after grabbing a slice of Tuscan pizza at the Casa della Pasta on rue Montorgueil. He hadn’t set foot in the northern suburbs for years. In his memory it was all gray, gas meters, oil-refinery walls, Coke plants, chimney stacks, ash-colored façades stained by constant rain, the open trench of the Autoroute du Nord and its constant flow of smoking carcasses... When they built the huge new soccer stadium — the Stade de France — it had completely transformed the geography of the area. The last remnants of the old industrial revolution had been razed to the ground. The buildings with the corporate main offices in them stood as if on parade along the huge flowered concrete slab that now covered the sewer of flowing cars. The rectilinear greenery and the erratic movements of clouds were reflected in the shining aluminum, the smoked glass, and the polished steel. The recipe had worked wonders in Paris: Thanks to the construction of the Pompidou Museum of Modern Art, the Forum des Halles, the Bastille Opera, the Arche de la Défense, and the Very Big Library, the city had been emptied of its lower strata. Now the recipe was being applied to the nearby districts outside the city. Nothing like a grand architectural gesture in the middle of the urban jungle to regain possession of a city.

Lieutenant Mattéo had always lived in the second arrondissement. He couldn’t imagine the slightest exile from it, not even in a neighborhood next door. Montorgueil, Tique-tonne, Réaumur, Aboukir, Sentier, all these streets were like lifelines in the hollow of his palm. But for ten years now he’d really had to hang on, ever since the massive arrival of the bohemian yuppies: They spent way more every month at the sidewalk tables of the Rocher de Cancale, the Compas d’Or, and the Loup Blanc than he paid in rent. He walked along the canal, passed the camps of Romanian gypsies mixed with all the homeless displaced from the banks of the Seine, then took rue Cristino Garcia, moving into what remained of the old Spanish neighborhood. The impasse du Gaz was no more than four or five attached redbrick houses, like a mining town. It felt a little like England. Cranes were wheeling in the sky just behind this relic of the past. A mailbox had the name Carvel on it followed by the first name, Mélanie. He reflected that it was the same as his assistant’s. He pulled the chain that hung next to the door with thick iron mesh over it.

A woman of about fifty came to open it, dragging her feet and grumbling. Yellow hair, tired waves of an old permanent, pallid face, bluish bags under her eyes, the corners of her lips sagging... and the same for the rest of her body: Flavien’s mother was the very image of defeat, of abandonment. Contrary to what the lieutenant had feared, she absorbed the news of her son’s death without collapsing. All she did was clench her jaw and suppress a tremor in her right hand before wiping away the tears welling in her eyes with the back of her sleeve.

“How’d it happen?”

As he entered, Mattéo glanced at the dining room where a low table in front of the TV, lit like a night-light, was buckling under empty bottles and ashtrays overflowing with cigarette butts.

“We don’t know much yet. His murderer might be Spanish. There are plenty of them in the neighborhood: Your son must have known some of them...”

“Sure, dozens. Back in the day, he used to go next door to the Youth Center, to play cards, dance, eat tapas...”

“Back in the day, that means when?”

She had pushed open a sliding panel, revealing a messy bedroom with walls studded with posters. A smiling Bill Gates with pinched lips was like a stain in the middle of the rows of sparkling teeth of the stars of showbiz, movies, and sports.

“For the last two years he’d just drop by in a rush. We must’ve eaten together once or twice, with his current girlfriend... Last week he brought me flowers for my birthday...”

“You remember their names?”

She removed a pack of Lucky Strikes from the pocket of her cardigan, lit the end of a cigarette with a Zippo that stunk of gas.

“The names of the girls? No. He changed them even more often than he changed cars... I don’t know the brands either.”

Mattéo hadn’t asked her permission to enter the room. He began to look through the collections of video games, photo albums, films, magazines. A few lines scrawled on a piece of notebook paper suddenly caught his eye:

It was the same slanted, energetic handwriting as the message about Tom Cruise and the wife of the presidential candidate. He held out the paper under Flavien’s mother’s eyes.

“He’s the one who wrote this?”

“Yes, that’s his handwriting. He never stopped taking notes, scribbling... stuff he’d hear on the radio, on the phone, or things he found in the papers. It was like an obsession. I wore myself out telling him to stop, but he couldn’t help himself.”

“You know where he was living these last few months?”

She shook her head.

“All I know is, he bought a place in Paris... He never gave me his phone number. Just his e-mail address. What am I supposed to do with that? I don’t even have a computer!”

The lieutenant’s cell phone began vibrating in his pants pocket. He waited to get outside the house on the impasse du Gaz to call back. He quickly jerked the phone away as Burdin’s shrill voice drilled through his ear.

“I wanted to tell you we’ve got a lead for the corpse on rue des Degrés. He isn’t in any of our files, a real ghost. I went through my usual stoolies with his photo on my chest. He’s been hanging out for some time in the back room of the Singe Pèlerin, where the sex-shop customers of rue Saint-Denis leer at the two-legged meat... Seems he was interested in one of those places, but I don’t know which one.”

Mattéo knew the chatterbox of the Singe Pèlerin — a bartender — because he’d recruited him five years ago, when he caught the guy with his nose buried in white powder. The café used to be a ripening room for bananas; it was hidden in a little nook near the start of the Place du Caire, built over one of the entrances to the mythical cour des Miracles. For dozens of years he’d never even wondered about this name. Its probable meaning had been given to him the week before by an exhibitionist alcoholic they had to yank from rue Saint-Sauveur. It had taken him about an hour to give this explanation in the drunk tank of the police station, but it could be summed up in a few words. Every evening, when the beggars around the city returned to their dens with change jingling in their pockets, it was as if Christ had turned His face to them: The blind regained their sight, amputees stood up on their legs, the scrofulous lost their scrofula, the deaf became sensitive to noise, the mute began to sing, Siamese twins stood face to face; all they had to do was enter the perimeter of this refuge for miracles to happen!

The lieutenant pushed down on the handle and opened the glass-paned door where the old phone number was still displayed from the time when the numbers began with letters. Thirty girls or so were sitting on the imitation leather chairs, waiting to take their exams in the back room. Most of them were kids from Eastern Europe or Africa, along with an Asian girl and one from India. He walked straight to the bar. Leaning on his elbows in front of his debtor, he ordered almost without opening his mouth.

“Give me a strong coffee, real strong, then get out of here and make a little stop at the usual place...”

The bartender was about to protest, but Mattéo had already turned around to admire the slender legs of an Estonian girl who was passing the time by stretching out a pink piece of chewing gum in front of her silicone-enhanced lips. He made a face as he swallowed his coffee without putting sugar in it, crossed the room, walked about thirty yards up the sidewalk toward rue Saint-Denis, and entered the shop of the last strawhat maker in Paris.

Assaf, the master of the house, was born on the second floor of the shop. Rounded up by the French police like all the Jews of the neighborhood, he had survived the hell of Auschwitz before making a detour of almost ten years in the camps of his liberators. The lieutenant and the hat maker came together when Mattéo had chased out a gang hitting him up for protection money. Mattéo had then formed the habit of coming to play chess with the old man. He practically never brought up his past, except to reminisce about the games he’d played against a champion of the USSR suspected of Trotskyite sympathies. (Assaf had lost every one of them.) As tournaments were forbidden in the gulag, an inmate had someone tattoo a chessboard on his back. He would get down on all fours, naked from the waist up, until one player was checkmated.

Mattéo gave his old friend a hug. “A customer’s going to come in for a visit. Don’t waste your saliva, I can tell you he won’t buy a thing...”

“You can go into the kitchen. I’ll take him in to you as soon as he shows up.”

When the bartender of the Singe Pèlerin arrived, the lieutenant saw that he had put on a raincoat over his working clothes. The bartender asked for some water to take a handful of pills, then refused the chair the lieutenant pointed him to.

“I can’t stay, it’s the noon rush. All the big boys are there. What do you want from me? Is it about the guy who got shot on rue des Degrés?”

“If you ask the questions and then answer them, it’ll go a lot faster... His name was Flavien Carvel and he wasn’t shot, he was stabbed... What can you tell me about him?”

The bartender raised his head with his mouth open, as if he was trying to get some fresh air. “All I know is, he was loaded. He began hanging around the neighborhood about six months ago. He bought some shares in The Sphinx as a way of getting in with the mob. Recently there was a rumor of his buying heavily into the peep show on the corner of rue Greneta... a first-class business. They were talking about his coming in with 200,000 euros.”

“I took care of them two years ago; a real rough place. You sure you’re not giving me the wrong club?”

Mattéo got up to fill a pot of water and put it on the gas stove.

“No, everything’s back on track again. It’s one of the joints that brings in the most. All the bread in cash, tax-free. From what I know, there were lots of extras too...”

“What kind?”

“They opened up little trapdoors so the customer could stick his hands through ’em and feel up the dancers’ tits and stick dildos or vibrators up their asses or pussies. Stuff they bought exclusively at the shop, for the highest price imaginable. It went both ways — if the customer asked for it, the dancers screwed them with the same utensils.”

“You have any idea where he lived?”

The bartender stuck his hand into the pocket of his raincoat and took out a business card he then handed to the police officer. “I did him a favor by telling him what I heard... He told me I could reach him through this real estate agency if it was urgent.”

Mattéo took the card. It was from Luximmo, a business on rue Marie-Stuart. He memorized the name of the person printed under the company name: Tristanne Dupré. Then he turned the paper rectangle over, mechanically. The other side was covered with Carvel’s tense writing:

The lieutenant drank a mint tea sweetened with acacia honey before saying goodbye to old Assaf.

All you had to do was walk a hundred yards and you left the sex and garment district behind; you were entering the area reserved for the winners in the new economic order. All the pretty little faces in the world of finance, advertising, top civil service jobs, TV and movies would be walking around on these harmless decorative cobblestones. They crowded into sidewalk cafés, their cell phones glued to their ears, connected to vitamin cocktails by means of fluorescent straws. Mattéo liked the place, despite everything: the façades, the smell of eternal Paris. But he had lived here too long to forget how fake it all was. Going beyond rue Saint-Denis into Montorgueil was like crossing a border. He felt almost as if he were at a show, or a tourist: Sometimes he was sorry he hadn’t slung a camera across his chest.

He quickened his pace. Street people were sorting through the garbage cans lined in front of Suguisa, La Fermette, and Furusato, the Japanese restaurant. They were looking for edible garbage in the form of organic food. He cut onto rue Marie-Stuart, which used to be a fierce competitor of rue Brisemiche in the old days, when they were more prosaically called Passage Tire-Vit and Tire-Boudin. * The realtor was on the ground floor of an old house with exposed oak beams and stone. Tristanne Dupré looked like one of the girls who waited on customers in the Singe Pèlerin. The bodywork was identical, but the license plate was quite different. Everything she was wearing, from her stockings to the cut of her hair, from her pumps to her perfume, came straight out of the pages of Vogue. Badgley Mischka skirt, Alexander McQueen shoes, Carolina Herrara glasses... With one look, you save the price of buying a copy. Mattéo slid the card along the desk.

“According to what I’ve been told, you’re the one who acted as a go-between for Flavien Carvel...”

She stared at him with eyes wide open behind her lightly smoked glasses before looking over the inspector from head to foot, scornfully. “I don’t understand.”

“Mattéo, Criminal Investigation. Carvel’s in the morgue, and I’m trying to nail the guy who bought him a one-way *“Prick-Pull” and “Sausage-Pull.”

ticket there. The sooner the better. You teamed up to buy the peep show on rue Greneta, right?”

The theory had come out of his mouth without even thinking about it. From the panic-stricken fluttering of her eyelashes, he realized he’d hit a bull’s-eye. Now he had to proceed with caution.

“Flavien is dead? No, he can’t be!”

She threw herself back in her chair, her chest under the silk shaken by spasmodic breathing. Her distress was not affected. He wondered if she was one of those interchangeable girls who waited for the prodigal son in the car when he made a visit to his mother on the impasse du Gaz. Mattéo pushed away a pile of interior design magazines and sat down on the couch.

“Forgive me, I didn’t realize you were that close... He was found this morning near the Porte Saint-Denis, stabbed... I’d like to learn how you met him...”

She stuck a Camel into a cigarette holder with a python emblem and lit it with a matching lighter.

“In the simplest possible way. He opened that door and sat down in the exact same spot you’re in now... He wanted to buy an apartment in the no-car area, preferably Tiquetonne... After ten visits or so, he decided on a big four-room in a historical landmark building on rue Léopold Bellan...”

“It’s not cheap, in that sector. You gave him a good deal?”

She shrugged.

“Seven thousand euros a square meter. He had about a hundred and twenty square meters... You can do the math... Flavien had a third of the money and he was sure he’d have no problem getting the rest from what the peep show brought in. He was supposed to move in next month.”

“Where was he living in the meantime?”

“Upstairs, fourth floor, a studio apartment that belongs to the agency... I have a copy of the keys.”

Mattéo learned that the real estate agency owned the building with the rooms for voyeurs, that Tristanne had tipped off her rich client, and that his bank was on the Place de la Bourse, near the editorial offices of the Nouvel Observateur.

The lieutenant then brandished the notes Flavien had taken.

“Do you know why he wrote down these bits of human interest stories on paper scraps?”

“No. He used to copy them onto his computer in the evening, to post them on a website, that’s all he told me... I held onto a few of them. I also remember he backed up all his work on his flash drive.”

The young woman opened her bag — a Vuitton — and fumbled around in it.

“Here, this is something he wrote.”

The police officer took the paper:

He had just finished reading it when she gave him another one:

The lieutenant put them away in his wallet with the others, then walked to the stairs. He didn’t need to use the keys the real estate agent had given him. The door had been forced open and every nook and cranny of the studio had been searched. He looked at the disaster — the drawers thrown over, the bed upside down, the slashed mattress. He picked up the furniture, looking for the computer or the flash drive Tristanne had mentioned. Apparently the visitor had taken everything away. Mattéo found one more enigmatic message in a trash can in the bathroom:

He walked back to rue de la Lune, near the old postern of la Poissonnerie, the fish-market gate: They used to bring the day’s catch into Paris through it at dawn. A tiny, almost provincial enclave, with its small public garden, its church, and its little bands of children. Just a step away from the noisy Grands Boulevards, the excitement of rue Saint-Denis, and the sector reserved for bohemian yuppies. From the kitchen he could make out the ceramic advertisement for Castrique, promising Total dust removal when you vacuum. He had kept the apartment after his divorce, when Annabelle left with the kids, s almost half his income on rent for a place where he used only two rooms out of four. Everything was ready for their return. Moving out would have meant admitting defeat.

He heated up a tajine, lemon chicken with carrots, cooked by the Moroccan woman who took care of the building as well as his laundry and cleaning. Later he watched a gangster film on TV the way you look at the passing landscape from the window of a train, unable to follow the plot, his mind fixated on the murder of Flavien Carvel.

The next morning, after stopping by the offices of the Criminal Investigation Department, Mattéo went to the bank that managed Carvel’s accounts, the Financière des Victoires.

No one seemed to be aware they had lost an important client the day before on rue des Degrés. The dead man’s financial adviser very grudgingly agreed to enter the password to access information in his computer about Carvel’s financial transactions.

“Monsieur Carvel’s net holdings amount to nearly 400,000 euros. We have also approved transactions for double that amount. Real estate projects. I can give you a statement to the last centime.”

“Thank you very much, but what would really help would be to know where Flavien Carvel got his money from... If I understand correctly, he made his fortune rather suddenly. One might wonder... Everything was legal, in your opinion?” The banker tensed up at the mere suggestion of money-laundering. “I don’t see why you would have any doubt...”

“No reason... Experience, maybe... I’m just asking you to reassure me. Where did those 400,000 euros come from?” “From all over... Europe, the United States, Japan, Russia, South Africa. Close to a hundred countries in all... Last month, he received nearly 10,000 transfers via the Internet at an average of three euros per transaction. He sold connection time, access to information...”

Mattéo took out his wallet and unfolded the scrap of paper found on the corpse.

“This kind of information?”

The banker pinched it between his fingertips to read the message:

“Our role is limited to making sure that all transactions are legal and managing the flow of money in the best interest of both the bank and its clients. We would never intervene in our clients’ activities in any way. All I can tell you is that Monsieur Carvel got his income from selling information on the web. Nothing more. I am putting these lists at the disposal of the examining magistrate.”

“We’ll wait.”

When he got outside, a gathering had formed on rue Notre-Dame-des-Victoires. A rainbow-colored banner attached to the iron fence around the stock exchange proclaimed the construction of the Marker of Evil. Mattéo mingled with the onlookers to watch the inauguration of some kind of monument in the form of a coffin with the names of all of today’s dictators and warmongers printed on it. He walked away when he heard the police sirens.

His steps carried him toward the garment district. As he walked up rue Beauregard, he saw the mustached owner of the Mauvoisin polishing his coffee machine in the shadowy light of his café, then he retraced the last path of Flavien Carvel up to the fourteen steps of rue des Degrés. The sanitation workers had erased all traces of the murder. All that remained was a memory of the bloodied body rubbing against the wall under the peeling billboard for Artex. The lieutenant pressed himself up against the wall, into the exact spot where the victim had been found. He raised his eyes and then noticed a few drops of blood a foot or so above his head. He stood on tiptoe and saw that there were some more drops a bit higher, at the edge of the plaque where it said, ARTEX distributes CHAL-DÉE creations, manufacturer. He slipped a fingertip under the inside right corner, which was slightly raised, and wiggled it around. A small object, freed from behind the metal, fell to his feet. He bent down to pick up the small flash drive that Flavien had managed to hide before he died.

Ten minutes later, Mattéo was loading the contents of the drive onto his office computer. Two icons indicating videos popped up in the middle of a dozen other files. The first was titled 09-11-01, the other one Tom-Cécilia. He double-clicked on the second one. The scientologist actor and the flighty wife were walking near the Opéra de Paris and laughing as they stepped into Café de la Paix arm in arm. Insignificant pictures that only a tendentious commentary managed to turn into a secret idyll. The content of the second sequence, also a minute long, was totally different. It was clearly filmed from a surveillance camera with a zoom lens at the top of a building with a roof terrace; Mattéo could make out a corner of the façade when the camera swept around. He began to recognize the massive architecture of the Pentagon, with gardens, parking lots, and entrances sprinkled with sentry boxes at checkpoints. After about fifteen seconds of the webcam’s slow scanning, a white object came into its field of vision, from the right, and smashed into one of the sections of the large concrete wall, sinking into it with a huge burst of flame. A digital clock gave the date and time of the crash: 09-11-01, 9:43 a.m. The slow motion that followed allowed Mattéo to recognize the fuselage of a Boeing 757 with the colors of American Airlines. It was as obvious — and as horrifying — as the newsreels showing the two planes moments before slamming into the Twin Towers. Mattéo could not recall seeing a film as precise as this about the attack on the Pentagon. Everything the Bush administration had made public to refute the conspiracy theories failed to stand up to scrutiny, whereas here, before his eyes, the reality of the explosion of AA Flight 77 was indisputable.

He opened the other files to find several dozen messages similar to the ones he’d already found in his investigation of Flavien Carvel: testimony from all the disasters that had struck the planet in the course of recent history — tsunamis, earthquakes, environmental disasters, suicide bombings, tornados, volcanic eruptions... Every message corresponded to visual imagery and was labeled with its source — last name, first name, and a telephone number or an e-mail address — followed by a sum in euros. A group of tourists in the Philippines running wildly from an incandescent cloud was 300 euros; the confession of a Hezbollah martyr child wearing an explosive belt was valued at 200 euros; while the pictures of an old man swept away by a gigantic wave in Thailand was worth 1,000. Just one paragraph had no price tag on it:

the one relating exactly how the Pentagon’s outer rings had been destroyed. Yet the alleged source of this document was listed: Fidel Hernandez. The lieutenant figured this might be the elegant guy with the Spanish accent who had been with Flavien Carvel in the Mauvoisin café shortly before his death. It took his assistant less than two hours to locate the address Hernandez had given for his cell phone bill: a hotel near the stock exchange.

“It doesn’t seem fake. I was able to check calls from his cell over the last three days; a number of them were traced to that neighborhood.”

“Thanks, Mélanie.”

Mattéo walked around the Opéra building and headed toward the old library, the Bibliothêque Nationale. The Royal Richelieu, wedged between two banks, displayed its gilded, intertwined initials under the windows of all six stories of this Haussmannian building. The police officer set his forearms on the reception desk.

“Good morning. I would like to talk to Monsieur Fidel Hernandez. I don’t have his room number...”

The receptionist looked at her reservation screen.

“I’m sorry, I don’t have anybody with that name.”

“I was told he was still here yesterday.”

She typed on her keyboard, consulted several pages of listings. “No, no Hernandez over the past few weeks... None.”

Mattéo slid his police card over the varnished wood. “I can’t explain, but it’s very important... This Hernandez may have registered here under another name. Very elegant, fairly short, round face, a slight Spanish accent...”

“That doesn’t ring a bell.”

Mattéo pointed his forefinger at his temple. “He has a birthmark right there, which he tries to hide by pulling his hair over it...”

Her face lit up with a smile.

“That’s not Monsieur Hernandez, it’s Monsieur Herrera! You have the wrong name. He’s been a guest here for a week. Room 227, third floor. Do you want me to call him?”

He stopped the hand about to pick up the phone.

“Absolutely not. Hand me the duplicate keys for his room, I’m going to give him a little surprise.”

When the lieutenant reached the floor, he drew his revolver before opening the lock. Hernandez was stretched out naked on his bed watching TV; he jumped when he heard the click. To Mattéo’s surprise, instead of trying to grab a weapon, he clapped his two hands over his penis.

When the manager opened the safe under the name Herrera in the hotel strong room, Mattéo recovered Carvel’s computer and palm pilot stolen from his temporary apartment above the offices of Tristanne Dupré. Fidel Hernandez wasn’t really named Herrera either, but Miguel Cordez. Originally from Mexico, he had been in France for about ten years, living lavishly through a series of swindles, each one more clever than the last. The development of sites like Flickr, Dailymotion, Starbucks, and YouTube, with pay-per-view amateur videos on them, had attracted his attention. Too big for him. He had then set his sights on a little upstart, NewsCoop, created a few months back by Flavien Carvel.

“I knew a lot of guys who worked in planes. As soon as there was a disaster somewhere, I’d run off to Roissy or New York to get the photos or video tapes from the first people coming back from the place. I was able to buy exclusive coverage of the tsunami and Katrina for next to nothing...”

“Where does the one filmed by the surveillance camera of the Pentagon come from?”

“A cousin who works for a security company in Washington... He pirated it before the FBI picked up every piece of material and embargoed it. He was asking a hundred thousand dollars for it. Carvel agreed right away, except I later found out that he was secretly negotiating to resell it for six times that much.”

“Is that what you were talking about in the Mauvoisin? He didn’t want to back off, or return the tape...?”

“Correct.”

At the end of the day, a special adviser from the State Department came to pick up the video showing the impact of AA Flight 77 on the Pentagon and return it to the American authorities. The only thing Lieutenant Mattéo was still wondering about was what the wino on rue du Gaz was going to do with all the loot she inherited from her son.

Dead memory[12] by Patrick Pécherot

Les Batignolles

I’m going to kill him and I don’t know why. Wait — “know” isn’t the right word. I certainly know what led me to hold a pistol to his chest. You don’t just do things like that accidentally. To anyone at all. At least that’s what I think. Unless you weren’t brought up right. Which is not the case with me. Or you’re a serial killer. That’s what they’re called now, right? Whatever. I’m not a serial killer. Being like that must leave traces in you — an aftertaste of blood, a smell of death.

The smell comes up without warning, like bile rising after you’ve been on a binge. It’s morning. These moments are always mornings. Dawns, to be precise. Precision is important. So it’s dawn. You wake up out of a troubled sleep, all nauseous. Opening your eyes is sometimes like a sudden need to throw up. In the half-light, the shape lies on the floor. A heap. Soft, of course. Soft? The idea came to you because you thought of a pile of laundry. Each time, you think of a pile of laundry. There; you took that from a bad book and you kept it. Otherwise, why? The body curled up at the foot of the bed is completely rigid, and you know it. And cold. Its muscles hardened, its tendons petrified. Its veins too. Blue under the ivory skin, they’re like ink cartridges in a pen with the ink dried out.

You murdered him before you went to bed. You’d never seen him before, but some nights you have to do it just to get some sleep. There’s nothing to be done about it. At least you know why you’ve killed him. In order to sleep. That’s a reason, right? And a good one too. When you’ve watched the clock going around for days without getting any sleep, it’s understandable.

But him — I don’t even remember why I’m going to kill him.

A memory! That’s the word. There is a reason why he has to die, but I no longer remember what it is. His death is a necessity. Still, it’s embarrassing — his being there at one end of my pistol with me at the other. All the same, I can’t decently ask him why I’m killing him.

“You want to kill me, Monsieur Robert? And why?”

There, you can’t count on anyone. It’s not like I’m asking him for the moon. He’s going to die, so a little piece of information just in passing wouldn’t cost him much.

“No big deal, really.”

“Excuse me?”

“Oh, don’t make it worse.”

“Make what worse, Monsieur Robert?”

“Everything. The situation, your dazed expression, your idiotic questions...”

“Ah, I understand...”

“You sure took your time...”

“He’s tired, isn’t he?”

“What?”

“He’s not his best today...”

“Who?”

“It happens to everyone. Does he want to rest a little?”

“For God’s sake, who are you talking about?”

“Take my arm, I’ll help you over to the armchair. And give me that revolver—”

“Pistol!”

“That pistol. It must be very heavy.”

“Not at all. Eight hundred and fifty grams. It’s clear you don’t know anything about weapons.”

“Right.”

“Obviously, you have to add the bullets, which takes us — with eight grams per bullet, at twelve per clip — to around a kilo.”

“Bravo!”

“Good! I can still carry that.”

“No, I was saying ‘bravo’ because of your memory...”

Maybe I have to kill him because he’s so irritating. It’s astonishing how irritating he is. Look at him, he’s happy with himself now. The guy is a moron. That’s another reason!

“You see, Monsieur Robert, when you concentrate, your memory works. It’s important to exercise it. Do you want us to do some exercises?”

He really is very dumb.

“Shooting exercises?”

“Ah! I like you better like that. When he jokes, it’s because he’s feeling good.”

“But who the hell are you talking about? There’s only you and me in this room!”

“Come close to the window. And your revolver—”

“Pistol!”

“Sorry. I’m not very sharp on this subject.”

“That’s an understatement.”

“Okay, fine. Your pistol, then, weighs more than eight hundred grams...”

“One kilo plus ten grams. Don’t forget, it’s loaded.”

“Can you point it in a different direction?... Thank you. What make is it?”

“The make? It’s a Luger. Parabellum P-08.”

“Perfect!”

“Yes, it’s a fine weapon. A little capricious, but it passed the test.”

“A collector’s piece...”

“The Americans would give a truckload of chewing gum for one.”

“The Americans?”

“The guys who didn’t have the luck to get one off a dead Kraut.”

“A Kr — Are you talking about the war?”

“I have to spoon-feed you everything. Of course, the war. You haven’t noticed?”

“The... last war?”

“How should I know? They say that every time!”

“Thirty-nine to forty-five?”

“Another one of your lame games? You want me to add? Subtract? Three plus nine equals twelve. Four plus five equals nine... What do we have here? A logical equation?”

“Are you serious?”

“Young man, I can assure you that a Luger Parabellum P-08 gives you many urges, but rarely the urge to joke.”

“I’m talking about the war that involved a good part of the world from 1939 to 1945.”

“Hold your horses! Germany’s taking some serious hits, but really, nothing’s over. At least nothing you can put a date on. You might as well say ’46, it seems to me. Besides, open the window.”

“The window?”

“Go over there, what do you see?”

“Nothing. Well, rue des Dames...”

“Yet, the street! But what else?”

“Um, okay, pedestrians, cars, the line at the bakery—”

“The eternal problem of bread rations...”

“Rations? Monsieur Robert, we’re in 2007, it’s 4:30 p.m., it’s the end of the school day, and the bakery is selling cakes to the kids like... like hot cakes, precisely!”

I’ll kill him tomorrow. By then I’ll remember why. And I will be rested. He’s tired me out. People who are going to die are exhausting. Most people are no picnic. But with one foot in the grave, they become impossible. To the point of making you want to murder them, if you didn’t already feel like doing it. This one’s hit the jackpot. Fifteen minutes, and he’s worn me out! It’s the world upside down. Now I don’t even know what he came for. Or what he was telling me. A chatterbox, words coming out of his mouth like oatmeal. Mush. A swill of words that leave you parched.

Pip, or in French pépie, from the Latin pituita, a bird sickness characterized by the presence of a thick coating on the tongue. Makes them terribly thirsty. Isn’t my memory impressive? Its whatchamacallits and what’s-his-names, crammed like junk into a wicker trunk. Open it! Rummage around! Find stuff you like! A real treasure hunt.

Parched. Or thirsty. Thirst, human sickness characterized by the presence of words you couldn’t swallow. Gets cured at the bar.

The Renaissance Bar is just as good as any other. With its crooked façade like a down-turned mouth, it owes its name to Pétain. The owner saw the Maréchal and his National Revolution as a sign of recovery, rebirth. The return of values, of black coffee and white sauvignon. Yellow, too, the color of anisette. Yellow mainly leaked on the stars. As for the rest, cheap, adulterated wine and sawdust calvados. Finally, when he saw that nothing was changing and his big nose felt the wind turn, he removed Pétain’s mug from the wall. Everyone forgot the reason for the Renaissance. I didn’t. Dead memory... memories are the shreds of life that stick to you. They burst out of the depths of time when morning itself evaporates like water. Why this one? The Renaissance at the corner of rue des Dames. And the “dames” you see passing by are no spring chickens. But hell, streetwalker isn’t a profession that makes for eternal youth.

“A Cinzano!”

“I’m sorry, monsieur, we don’t have any.”

“A dry day?”

“Excuse me?”

“Is it an alcohol-free day?”

“I’m not sure I understand you. Martini, cognac, Suze, I can bring you whatever you want. Except for drinks that are no longer sold.”

“They’ve banned Cinzano?”

“That’s funny. We don’t serve Cinzano because no one buys it anymore.”

“Since when?”

“I think I served the last one... let’s see. Twenty-five years ago?

“Twenty-five years?”

“And that was an old bottle and a very old client.”

“A mandarin citron, then.”

“I see... Monsieur wouldn’t prefer an absinthe? Or a Gallic beer? A good Gallic cervoise?”

With his cloth over his shoulder, he’s as boring as the other one. The future dead man. You’d think they’d passed the word around to each other. If that’s the case, perhaps he knows why I have to kill him. But it’s not the kind of question you ask a man thrown off by the idea of a mandarin citron. He needs something basic. Counter level, you might say.

“Garçon!”

“Monsieur...”

“Where have the girls gone?”

“What girls?”

There’s a confab at the espresso machine.

“Are you the gentleman on the fourth floor?”

“I haven’t counted floors, but that must be right.”

“You went out alone?”

“Yes. Well, it’s not exactly an exploit, it’s something that happens often, you know. Besides, I’m going to do it again right this minute. You’re really irritating, acting like you’ve just landed here from outer space.”

A café without Cinzano, rue des Dames without dames — aren’t you surprised that memory has no memories? That’s not quite right, actually. I do have memories. And that’s the strangest thing. The neighborhood, for instance. I could tell you a lot about it. Like rue des Dames. The bars, the furnished rooms, the ankle-twisting pavement, and the sky you glimpse above the lopsided buildings. The street and the street girls — you might think they’re connected. Wrong, it owes its name to the nuns. They followed it to go up to their convent up there in Montmartre. That must have been in the time of musketeers and sedan chairs. Because I don’t recall meeting any nuns here. No musketeers either. Streetwalkers, yes. Fishnet stockings and slit skirts, with their weary saunter, exhausted from too much soliciting. Lips like embers that don’t want to die, and eyes that have seen everything. The laundresses, too, that was their spot. Rosy skin, hair wild in the steam of the workshops, their blouses opening to the movement of their naked arms. And those smells, making you hungry as a wolf, with a ferocious yen to bite hard. To howl like a tomcat. Blood boiling in your veins. Hot, red, and very thick. Blood...

I shouldn’t forget to kill him. But who? That’s what escapes me. That man on the bicycle riding down from Place de Clichy, his briefcase strapped to the rack? I don’t think so. The pizza deliveryman, perhaps. I don’t much like pizza. Or that one walking along rue Darcet... He came out of the Hotel Bertha, at the corner of les Batignolles. Rue des Batignolles, les Epinettes Park. Names that sing like music boxes. You wind them up, and off you go up the boulevard. “C’est lajava bleue, la java la plus belle...”

It’s a summer evening. The paving stones are still warm from the heat of the day. The air carries the scents of linden blossoms and white wine. That comes from Sainte Marie. The trees from the square and the outdoor cafés all around it, like garlands. They’ve set out the tables and chairs, and barrels when there are no tables left. We passed the bottles around, the nice fine wine with the stony taste — house reserve — and the sparkling wine that makes you sing. “C’est la java bleue, lajava la plus belle...” The grocer donned a fireman’s helmet, big Marcel found himself a rusty old gun, and the postman is proudly showing off two grenades in his mailbag. “Express parcel,” he says. And that makes him laugh. That was just before he fell. Bam! Bam! A flight of pigeons hid the sky. Someone cried, “Sniper!” and people threw themselves on the ground. Now we hear the whistle of a train rolling toward the Gare Saint-Lazare. Crouched behind a barrel, I’m watching life seeping out of the little postman. Blood is escaping from his chest. It runs onto his white armband, soaked like a sponge, the Lorraine cross becoming invisible little by little.

That’s today. Or yesterday. It’s August 1944.

“We’re in 2007, Monsieur Robert...” Tall tales. I know what I see. A great silence has covered the square. It’s Liberation Day, and a nice boy just got himself killed.

Bam! Bam! It’s starting again. A bullet has shattered the window of the bookstore. The owner had displayed a fine copy of Poèmes saturniens.

“Les sanglots longs des violons de l’automne blessent moncoeur d’une langueur monotone...”

(“The long sobs / Of autumn / violins / Wound my heart /With a monotonous languor...”)

— They’re landing! He was laughing. They’re landing. The Americans will soon be in Paris.

In the window, Verlaine was shining like a sun.

Bam! A bullet for the poet!

Bam! Bam!

“Oh, I’m sorry. I frightened you, monsieur. Nothing to be afraid of, I’m not going to murder you. Not you. I’ve never even seen you before. Killing people you don’t know is something that happens only in novels... Novels! It’s coming back to me. It’s because of novels that I have to eliminate him... Excuse me? Oh no, I’m not crazy! Don’t be rude, monsieur. After all, I might kill you too. It’s taking the first step that’s difficult. And looking at you now, I think you’d be a first step that wouldn’t cost much... Shut up! You’re worthless...”

What an idiot! Listen... if you had to waste a bullet every time you met one... Eight grams of lead per fool; frankly, the joke would cost too much... No, I must stick to basics. And the basic thing here is that this guy has to die because of books.

A writer? The bad ones bore you to death. Eliminating one from time to time is a case of self-defense. But I have trouble imagining he’s a writer. He’d be more convincing as a critic. The way he has of imposing his opinion. “Good. A little tired. Poor form.” Does one kill a critic? Authors must feel like it, but I’m not one of them. If I ever was one, I forget what I might have written, thus I’m not imperishable. And we’re not talking about my death but his. A bookstore owner? A librarian? It seems to me he’s lent me some books. I didn’t even ask him to.

Here I am at Brochant. To the left, along the beltway where the no-man’s-land used to be, is the cemetery. To the right, Porte de Saint-Ouen, the field, and the flea market. I come here often. Should I say I used to come here? A second-hand clothes dealer. All sorts of old clothes, worn shoes, and for those in the know, coal, jerricans picked up at railway warehouses. You can find everything at Riton’s in Clignancourt. Including, for those who know how to ask for them, parachute silk and weapons — Lugers?

I got nabbed near his shop.

“Papers, bitte!”

As they pushed me in the car, I had time to glimpse the ticket office of the stadium, the guy inside, his cap and his embarrassment at having seen this. No more soccer match, I thought. At that moment, nothing could have been more important.

They took boulevard Berthier. Outside, life was going on. At the red light, a woman on a bicycle looked at me with infinite tenderness. Green. The driver turned off toward Malesherbes to reach avenue de Wagram. Classy part of town. Rich-looking façades, broad sidewalks. People walk there, relaxed, important, between two business meetings handled with broad, elegant gestures. There are charming, rousing encounters from 5 to 7, and pleasant memories. The car stopped in front of Hotel Mercedes, number 128. Geheimfeldpolizei.

I remember everything.

The room with chipped porcelain tiles. The bloodstains on the floor. The metal chair, the naked lightbulb dangling from its wire. The hideous bathtub, its obscene pipes.

They talked about Riton, the weapons, and the forged papers.

“Who gives the orders?”

A guy turned on the faucets in the bathtub. He was completely ordinary. I heard the water gushing from the faucet.

“We’re going to refresh your memory!”

I don’t remember anything.

When I came to, they were smoking and chatting like three buddies sharing a good story. A really great dinner. A good place to go. The girl they had the night before in a very comfortable house. Two steps from Parc Monceau. The girls of the house were very clean. Hygiene — that’s the main thing... So many guys got the clap in sleazy whorehouses. They were no longer concerned with the bathtub, nor with the metal chair, nor with the basement with the foul smell of death. They were no longer concerned with me. They went into the next room. They headed out into the scent of chestnuts, on the beautiful, straight, pleasantly shaded avenues. With the perfume of women still lingering in the early-morning hours after they’ve left such a comfortable whorehouse, so typically Parisian.

They were three good friends chatting.

You had to convince yourself of the unbelievable, go through the corridor, reach the laundry room with its door open to the street. The piles of sheets and soiled towels, like lifeless bodies. Outside, the air had never been sharper. And yet so soft and sweet in the summer evening.

You had to go down the avenue, strolling like a regular customer, despite your heart jumping in your chest. At the end, Place des Ternes, florists, white tablecloths at the café Lorraine. And the steps to the metro hurtled down four at a time, because you’re about to make it now.

I remember everything.

Look, the newspaper stand over there, at the corner of rue Balagny, I remember it too. The paper seller in his box looks like a puppet in its little theater. His nose of gnarled wood like a vine.

Ah... today it’s someone else selling the papers.

“Paris Soir, please...”

“Is that a paper?”

“What a question!”

“A new one?”

“After twenty years its novelty has worn off.”

“Twenty years... it’s been around since 1987?”

“What are you talking about? Since 1923, of course! Okay, I’ve rounded off one year. Let’s not quibble. It’s been around for twenty-one years, are you happy now?”

“You’re not confusing it with Paris-Turf?”

“What would I want with horse racing?”

“If you don’t know, it’s not for me to say...”

“You’re not very helpful.”

“I don’t have to be. Don’t get on your high horse, now.”

“Do you sell newspapers or don’t you?”

“For thirty years, monsieur, and I’ve never heard of Paris Soir. Wouldn’t it be France Soir? Or Le Parisien?”

“Of course, the name may have changed with the Liberation. It wasn’t very respectable anymore.”

“The liberation...?”

“Of Paris. For someone who sells information, you seem ill informed. Goodbye, monsieur.”

One thing’s for sure, he’s not the one I have to kill. He doesn’t open his papers, he couldn’t have lent me books. Paper sellers should never change. Nor avenues. Avenue de Clichy has its usual look. Dusty from all the humanity beating the pavement, the same worn-out hope in their pockets. And the bargain display windows, the cheap items, the fake-jewelry stores, the greasy spoons... Nothing’s missing. Yet I have trouble recognizing it.

“Ni tout à fait la même ni tout à fait une autre.” (“Neither completely the same nor completely other.”) Verlaine again. Did he go to Cité des Fleurs? The poets all go there, I suppose. As for me, rarely. Why don’t they ever want me to go out alone? Getting lost in the streets is dizzying. They don’t like me to get lost. It’s stupid. They end up finding you. They always do. The worst thing is getting lost inside. They call that wandering. But they often say all sorts of nonsense. That we are in 2007, for instance. Who told me that crap? The one I have to kill? He’ll get what he deserves. All I have to do is take the right street. Through Cité des Fleurs, since time has stopped there. A long and peaceful path, wisteria on the walls, small gardens and bourgeois houses. Nothing disrupts its peace. Neither the flow of cars on the avenue nor life swarming at the intersections. Nor the overflowing sidewalks. Right near there people walk, eat, slave away, and die too. But no echo of that ever penetrates here. Can one die in Cité des Fleurs?

A cat stretches out in the sun. Was it stretching out when the soldiers came? The pavement echoed with the noise of their boots. The gray-green trucks were barring the path. The door of the house broken open, the screams. Inside, they’re caught in a trap. There were only three of them. Two and her. Did they try to escape? Did they resist or did they tell each other goodbye? Now the soldiers turn their guns on them. Everything is sacked, books trampled on, furniture overturned. Paintings thrown to the ground. And the shouts, like barking. Why do soldiers always bark? They immediately found the printing press hidden in the cellar. They were well-informed. To show them they were nothing anymore, the soldiers hit them.

The three of them, one after the other. What happened when they led them away? They shot her in the courtyard. A burst of gunfire. Clacking. She fell into the fuchsias. She was twenty-five years old.

No one ever saw the other two again.

Who remembers?

My God...

“Mademoiselle!”

“...”

“Mademoiselle... please...”

“Are you ill, monsieur?”

“I would like to go home.”

“Are you lost? Do you live far from here?”

“I don’t know.”

“Monsieur Robert, do you still want to kill me?” “Don’t wear me out with your questions. Tell me, instead, whether you’ve lent me any books...”

“Ah! You remember...”

“Where are they?”

“On the cupboard. Have you read them?”

“The Old Man from Batignolles... I suppose you had me in mind...”

“Where do you get that from? It’s because of the location. The story takes place near your home. Do you know that Émile Gaboriau’s novel may have started the detective thriller genre?”

“Nothing to be proud of. And that one, The Man Who Got Away. Albert Londres...”

“A fabulous journalist.”

“A lot of good that did him! He got away from the 17th arrondissement? It’s not hard, all you need to do is cross the avenue... Unless...”

“Unless what?”

“You’re hinting at something again...”

“Who knows?”

“My getaway from the Kommandantur this time...”

“You got away from the Kommandantur? You never told me about that...”

“You didn’t need me to find out about that.”

“I swear I didn’t know anything.”

“Really? Then why this book?”

“The escapee here is a prisoner that Londres met during one of his reporting stints at the penal colony in Guyana. Eugène Dieudonné.”

“Don’t know him!”

“A typesetter accused of belonging to the Bonnot gang. Those anarchists they nicknamed the Tragic Bandits back during the Gay Nineties. An innocent man, condemned to a life of forced labor. His workshop was right next door, rue Nollet.”

“And this book... The Suspect... you’re going to claim he has no connection with me...”

“None. Why would he? I brought it to you because Georges Simenon lived here when he came to Paris. At the Hotel Bertha. It’s still there, you surely know it...”

“What bull! Why did you lend me these books?”

“But... To refresh your memory: so you could remember the places here, the neighborhood, its history...”

“To refresh my memory.”

“Monsieur Robert, can you put down that revolver?”

“Pistol, for God’s sake! Pistol! Luger Parabellum P-08. You’re a speech therapist; instead of making me do your stupid exercises, do them yourself. You need them.”

“Monsieur Robert, please, your pistol...”

“Speech therapist... Are you the speech therapist?”

“Of course... I come every week... Lower that weapon.”

“The man I have to kill... it’s not you... You haven’t talked, have you?”

“Talked?”

“You’re too young. How old are you?”

“Twenty-six.”

“I was that age when they arrested me. The identity cards at Riton’s... It would have only taken an hour. I got out of their clutches two days later... A miracle. It seemed suspect to our network. But should I have croaked down there because some torturers got distracted for a moment? Because a laundress left a door open that should have been closed? Because fate did me a favor? I was cleared, right?”

“Calm down...”

“My God...”

“Monsieur Robert!”

“I remember everything... They didn’t need to touch me. The bathtub... I fainted before they threw me in... When I came to, I talked... I told them everything I knew... And I would have told even more if I could have.”

“...”

“Twenty-six. I was twenty-six years old. Have you already smelled the scent of death at the bottom of a filthy cellar?”

“No... I... No one—”

“They let me go... I was supposed to give them more information... A few days later the Americans landed...”

“The war’s over, Monsieur Robert.”

“Not yet... Leave me alone. I’m tired.”

“Can you give me your revolver?”

“Pistol... Think of the exercises, young man, memory is a strange machine.”

“Monsieur Robert... what are you doing?”

“Now I know who I have to kill. He’s a twenty-six-year-old boy... No, not you; you can relax now. The one I’m talking about never leaves me. He hasn’t left in more than sixty years. Time has no grip on him.”

“Please...”

“Do you see him? He’s in front of you. Every morning I’ve seen him in my mirror. He’s haunted me every night, leaving me sleepless. He eventually dozed off, but you’ve awakened him with your books and your good intentions.”

“I didn’t know... I swear...”

“I have to finish him off now...”

“Please... Your death won’t change anything... It was such a long time ago.”

“‘Je me souviens / Des jours anciens... I can recall / The days of yore...’ Do you know Verlaine? It was yesterday. It’s today. Get out.”

“I won’t let you do something stupid.”

“Go to hell...”

“Monsieur Robert!”

“I’ll be waiting for you down there.”

Precious[13] by Doa

Bastille

The office where I was sitting was on the top floor of the building, right under the roof. “Rear window,” a police officer with a weary, ironic tone of voice had said when we arrived. He was part of a group of three who had come with me from the crime scene to the hospital for the required medical visit. A nurse had cleaned the dried blood off my face and turned me over to an intern. After taking an X-ray of my spinal column and sewing some painful stitches on me, he pronounced my state compatible with police custody. I had a long gash on my left eyebrow, with a hematoma under the eye, another to the right of my mouth, and one on the back of my head, at the base of the skull. “Nothing too bad,” the doctor had said.

That was half an hour ago and the day was rising behind the window of the examination room. After going through these procedures and taking some blood samples, they’d brought me to police headquarters at the Quaides Orfèvres. Now I was watching the sky turn blue through a fan-light with iron crossbars.

“They installed them because of Durn.” The cynic the two others called Sydney and treated like their boss must have followed the meanderings of my puzzled, not yet altogether sober gaze.

I turned toward him. “Who?”

“Durn, the crazy gunman in 2002.”

“I wasn’t living in France then.”

“Oh... A demented man we arrested...”

He went on with the conversation but I had lost interest.

“... who killed himself by jumping through a window like this one, but in another office, across the hall...”

My eyes drifted around the gray bureaucratic surroundings. Two little rooms leading into one another that opened onto a neon-lit corridor. A different world from mine, shabby and hostile.

“He’d just made a full confession...”

The walls, whose neutral paint had seen better days, were covered with administrative documents, maps, and war trophies. A few elegant watercolors too, but only behind Sydney. Probably painted by him.

“The bars were put there right after.”

There was a light-starved green plant in a corner, a rack of walkie-talkies charging, several metal cabinets topped by boxes of whiskey, exclusively single malt — the denizens of the place were clearly connoisseurs — and six cluttered desks, each with its aging PC that had replaced the typewriter of yesteryear.

“How long have you been living abroad?”

Not forgetting the three cops. The one facing me, Sydney, a little guy with a double-breasted suit too large for him and a pipe; the one on my right, at the keyboard, whose first name was apparently Yves, tall and thin, slightly bent, wearing jeans; and the last one behind me, still silent. I hadn’t heard his name, but since he was wearing a purple shirt with the logo of a polo player, I mentally dubbed him Ralph from the start.

“Seven years.” And finally, me. I was there too. At least physically, because otherwise I felt unconcerned. I was experiencing all this remotely, with the feeling of not being fully there in the stale back rooms of the famous 36, Quaides Orfèvres, headquarters of the Paris Robbery and Homicide Division, trying to unscramble what had happened that night.

“In London?” Sydney motioned with his chin to Yves, signaling him to be prepared, while I answered him with a silent nod. “Monsieur Henrion... Valère, right?”

Another nod. Valère Henrion. A strangely familiar name. Mine. In the mouth of a stranger, a police officer to boot. Reality check. I looked at my shackled hands. The gravity of my situation suddenly struck me, and I nearly choked. This was not a friendly interview. These guys were treating me like a suspect. I swallowed. “Don’t I have the right to a counsel?” Pitiful.

Sydney flipped through my passport. “You sure do a lot of traveling.”

It wasn’t a question, and his voice had lost all of its weary warmth. He pointed his nose at me. “The lawyer comes later, first we talk between us. This loft, Place de la Bastille, the place where we found you, who owns...?” He didn’t finish his sentence.

“It belongs to a friend, Marc Dustang. He let me borrow it for a few days.

“Very nice of him. Doubt if he’ll do it again soon.” Smile.

For a moment I flashed on Marc’s room and its light walls splattered with red.

“And where is this Marc Dustang?”

“In New York for two weeks.”

“For?”

“Business, I guess.”

“And you, you’ve come to Paris for what?”

I sighed, feeling tension mounting inside of me, annoyed at the idea of what was about to follow. I wanted only one thing: to shut myself up in the dark and get my ideas straight. “To work. I just came back from Fashion Week in Milan and I cover the one in Paris right after. September through October is a pretty busy season for me. All the fashion capitals are buzzing, I work a lot.”

“You’re what...? Oh yes, sound... designer?” Sydney waited, looking at my nervous right leg, which was jumping uncontrollably.

Again I conceded. “That’s right. I create the sound tapes for the runway shows. Sometimes I do set mixes for designers’ private parties.”

“And the money’s good?”

“Not bad, yes.”

“That’s how you met Mademoiselle Ilona...” he consulted his notes, “Vladimirova? She was also part of that crowd, right? And not just that one.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Come on, Monsieur Henrion, you want me to believe that you didn’t know how your girlfriend made her living? Even we know it. I see here” — he pointed to his PC monitor with his index finger — “that she’s already met some of our colleagues a few times.”

“She was not my girlfriend, and no, I didn’t know it.” I was having difficulty talking about her in the past tense. “We didn’t know each other...”

At my back, Ralph snickered.

“Really.”

Sydney gave me a condescending smile. “The two of you were kind of intimate for people who didn’t really know each other. Unless you paid to screw her, which would mean that you knew perfectly well who you were dealing with. What am I supposed to think?”

I looked for words to answer him but only managed to spit out the banal truth. “Listen, I met this young woman last night for the first time in my life. I’d heard about her, but I’d never seen her before.”

“Ah, and who told you about her?”

“Her best friend, one of my exes.”

“Her name?”

“Yelena Vodianova.”

“You’ve got a thing for Russian babes, Valère.” Ralph invited himself into the discussion. “Model too, I suppose?”

I nodded without turning around or rising to the taunt.

“Where does she live?” Sydney took things in hand again.

“Yelena? In Milan. She’s married with a kid. She still works the catwalk and sometimes we meet in the fashion show season. I told her that I had to spend a few days in Paris, so she asked me to make contact with Ilona.”

“Why?”

“To give her a gift. Missed her birthday, I guess, or something like that.”

“What sort of gift?”

“I don’t know. It was wrapped and I don’t like poking into other people’s business. I can only tell you that it wasn’t very large. Or very heavy.” With both hands I indicated the shape of the box, about twenty centimeters long, ten across, and ten thick.

“And you didn’t ask your Yelena what kind of gift it was?”

“No.”

“You’re not very curious.”

“I’m not a cop.”

“Or very careful.” Ralph again, aggressive. “She could have had you smuggling dope on the sly. Sure you don’t know anything about the contents of this package? It’s not too late to—”

“Yes. I’m sure. And I have no reason to mistrust my ex-girlfriends.” This answer, a stupid and gratuitous challenge, sounded hollow even to me. If I ever got out of this hornet’s nest, there wasn’t a chance I’d trust anyone ever again.

“You have this girl’s number?”

“In my cell phone, under Yelena.”

Sydney located the phone among my personal effects on his desk. He tossed it to Ralph, who went into the next room.

“So you made contact with Ilona, and then...?”

“We met in the 11th arrondissement.” I saw myself entering that bar near the Cirque d’Hiver, where Ilona had said she’d meet me at 11 o’clock, the Pop’in. It was full of noise and smoke, a young crowd, very hip, in the midst of a pop rock revival. As background music The Von Blondies were singing “Pawn Shoppe Heart,” a piece I’d used to close a show two years earlier. And there she was at the counter, perched on her Jimmy Choo high-heeled sandals, the latest black leggings, a denim miniskirt, a white blouse open over a sequined tank top, under the de rigueur military jacket. She was talking with the bartender without really paying attention to him, her elbow resting on a pink motor scooter helmet, with her pale blue gaze outlined in black towering over the room. Not difficult to recognize; Yelena had shown me a photo of her.

She’d spotted me too, an older guy not in sync with the rest of the clientele. I walked toward her, she greeted me quickly, in French but rolling her r’s, no warmth, scarcely polite; she accepted another glass, then abruptly took her gift and buried it in her purse. Without opening it.

“Strange, don’t you think, that she didn’t want to see what it was?” Yves looked up from his keyboard for a few seconds.

I shrugged. This had intrigued me at the time. But the girl’s haughty manners had hardly made me want to try and understand or linger in the bar. I was tired after my week in Milan, and the idea of a peaceful evening was rather attractive. Besides, very early on she’d given me hints that she wanted to leave, and she got up from her stool without waiting for me to finish my beer. With a half-hearted goodbye, she took her helmet, headed for the door at the entrance of rue Amelot, then froze abruptly, her hand on the doorknob. After turning around, she came back toward me, all smiles. She was really beautiful when she smiled.

A bit surprised, I’d taken a look outside, seen a few passersby, particularly a hefty guy a little older than me, kind of tough looking in a black three-piece suit. But he had turned his head away when he caught me looking at him, and by the time I asked Ilona about it, he’d disappeared. She herself had chosen to play the guilty party, so I could forgive her for her behavior.

“She came back just like that and apologized?”

“Yes. She was a strange girl.”

“And what about the guy in the suit? Did you ask her if she knew him?”

Nod. “She claimed she didn’t. At that point I had no reason to doubt her.”

Sydney didn’t seem convinced but went on: “And then what did you do?”

“She suggested dinner. We left the Pop’in and went to Oberkampf.” But, in fact, things didn’t happen that simply. After talking for another half hour inside, Ilona had made me climb up to the second floor and then back down again into the bar’s concert hall. There we zigzagged between full tables so as to leave through an emergency exit that led to an inner courtyard, and then into Beaumarchais.

“And her bike?”

“Her bike?”

“Yes, you said that she had a helmet, was it just for decoration?”

“No, she had a scooter, but she wanted to go on foot.” Because she’d parked it in front of the bar. And that was when I understood the reason behind this and the paranoia Ilona was showing. She kept looking behind her on the way. I had attributed her behavior to her eccentricity. All the Russian girls I’ve met in my work have been a bit eccentric. In fact, she had obviously wanted to avoid rue Amelot — and the people who were waiting there for her. “We walked for about thirty minutes, around Place de la République, up Faubourg du Temple as far as Saint-Maur, then turned right to get to Oberkampf and the restaurant. Café Charbon, know it?”

Sydney didn’t react but I felt Yves nodding on my right and heard him commenting on my lack of judgment, strolling around like that on a Saturday night in such a neighborhood with that kind of girl.

I heard a noise behind me — Ralph was back in the room: “No answer to the number you gave us, Valère.” His voice was first very close, controlled, then I had the impression that he was straightening up to talk to his boss. “I got our colleagues there. One guy speaks English so I asked him to check a couple of IDs. He’s going to call back.”

“Go on, Monsieur Henrion.”

“We ate, talked a little, there was a crowd. It wasn’t very good.”

“Still didn’t open the present?”

“No.”

“So, this Ilona girl wasn’t as bad as all that.”

“I did it for Yelena, because she was her best friend.” And perhaps a little for myself, I thought.

“Very nice of you.”

Ilona had insisted that we sit in the rear, near a big mirror. She sat down so she could have her back to the restaurant window. In order to see what was behind her without the risk of being recognized from the outside. During the meal, she’d called a number on her cell several times but no one answered. At every aborted call, she’d seemed more tense. As for me, I was learning a little more about her because she was lowering her guard. I was only guessing really, catching signs. I’d already heard other stories like this and had no trouble filling in the blanks.

Like Yelena, she had arrived in Paris around the age of fifteen, leaving behind a crappy life with no future in a ruined, corrupt country. Ready to do anything to have her place in the sun. A pretty kid like so many others. Unscrupulous agencies relying on older former models from the same background who had actually become pimps had dragged her from capital to capital. Never forgetting to pump as much bread as they could out of her. Agencies that didn’t hesitate to put her on lousy jobs once she’d started to age, which meant turning a lot less tricks.

Of course I suspected what Ilona was doing to pay the rent. I had one foot in the scene, and even if I wasn’t into those things myself, I knew them well. I’d cross paths with many girls of her type. For a while I’d thought that Yelena was working as a high-class whore too. She talked so little about her life at the time that in the end I didn’t trust her. She hadn’t understood my attitude, and our affair fell apart. By the time I realized that her discretion was only modesty and shame, she’d already gone elsewhere to work with others and start over. That was six years ago, just after my arrival in London. Since then we’d stayed in touch anyway, and this at least had given me the chance to apologize, to try and be a better friend.

It was probably because of that, because of an old, unresolved guilt, that I had agreed to do something for Ilona at the end of the meal.

“So really, she asked you to go to her place alone, and you said yes without hesitating, without asking for an explanation?”

“Of course I did!”

“And so?”

“I can’t remember what she told me anymore, I... I’m tired.”

“With all the junk you took?” Ralph didn’t want to be forgotten.

I couldn’t reply. No point trying to justify the coke, I’d taken it willingly, like an idiot. They’d made me swallow the rest by force. But my three interrogators didn’t seem ready to believe me.

“So you agreed, and...?”

“And I went out of the Charbon...” Into the Saturday-night zoo, a little nervous and not very uplifted by the local crowd. I’d known the Oberkampf neighborhood a few years earlier when it was trendier, sleeker, newly revitalized. Now it was like anyplace else again, with even more bars and restaurants.

The building where Ilona and her housemate had their apartment was located in a private, gated alley not far from the restaurant. What used to be called a cité (housing block) in the 11th, a kind of narrow alley where artisans had their workshops before. These had disappeared a long time ago, replaced by very expensive, slightly bohemian apartments for models, photographers, and artists of all kinds. Or by public housing. Social diversity in the making.

“There wasn’t much light in the courtyard and no one in sight.” I stood a moment outside, listening to the sounds of a party several floors up and watching people in the street on the other side of the gate. “I climbed up to the third floor, I found the entrance Ilona had mentioned on the landing, and I was going to knock when I heard the cry.” I had never been confronted with such suffering. A terrible scream, interrupted by deep gurgles and sobs. “It was a girl, I think. I thought it must be Ilona’s housemate, and I almost tried to enter, but...”

“But?” Sydney leaned toward me.

“Two men began talking to each other inside, in Russian. There were heavy punches, more moaning from someone in pain. Even through the... I... I could practically feel the punches.”

“The address! Quick!”

I gave it to Ralph from memory, this time turning around. Impossible to forget it after what I’d heard behind that door. Ralph went to make phone calls in the next room.

“What did you do afterward?”

“I left.”

Yves shook his head behind his computer screen.

“I... I wanted to tell Ilona, ask her for her key, warn someone, get people...” I tried to explain but it was useless. “And what would you have done in my place? I had no weapon, I don’t know how to fight.” I lowered my head. “I got scared.”

The office was silent for a few seconds. They let me stew in my shame. I felt their mocking eyes on me.

“You left, and then?” Sydney, the humiliation had lasted long enough.

“I was going back down when I met the guy I’d seen in front of the Pop’in. He was carrying a McDonald’s bag. We were both surprised but he didn’t recognize me, at least not right away. He just checked me out from head to toe as I casually passed him, trying to stay calm. I was already running along the alley when I heard shouting in the stairway. Names, I think, at least one: Victor.”

“His sidekicks in the apartment?”

“I didn’t try to find out. I rushed to find Ilona at the Charbon. She understood there was a problem as soon as she saw me come in.”

“Not stupid, that babe. Then?”

“Then she refused to follow me outside.”

“Why?”

“Instinct, I guess. The threat was behind me. She dragged me into the bathroom, and from there we stepped into the nightclub next door, the Nouveau Casino.” Barely through the door, she’d done something that puzzled me. She’d gone to the cloakroom and checked her purse. But not her helmet. Then she gave me the ticket she’d gotten from the girl in charge. I didn’t tell them this, though.

“What did you do once you got inside?”

“She led me toward the bar at the back. We lost ourselves in the crowd and we waited. She refused to listen to me. I could see she was scared stiff, and this began to make me panic too. I wanted to call someone.”

“Who?”

“You, the police. Who else?”

“Why didn’t you?”

Behind me, other cops were filing into the second office. Ralph started to talk to them, and I understood that these were the guys who had stayed at Marc’s while we’d gone to the hospital. They exchanged information in low voices.

Sydney returned to the job at hand. “Why didn’t you call us, Monsieur Henrion?”

“She stopped me. She didn’t want me to go out to make a call, and my cell wasn’t working inside. Plus, I couldn’t hear above the music.”

“A little too easy.”

“For you, maybe. Anyhow, I wouldn’t have had time.”

“Why not?”

“The thug from the stairway showed up in the club with another guy, same type only older. Ilona saw them first, me just after. They were quick to spot us and elbowed through the crowd to catch up with us.”

“That’s where they cornered you?”

“No.” I closed my eyes and rubbed a hand over my face to ward off the memories. Suddenly I snickered.

“What?”

“There was a concert later that evening at the Nouveau Casino, and they were spinning the British band Franz Ferdinand to keep people from getting impatient. ‘Auf Achse,’ you know it?”

Sydney shook his head.

“Okay, forget it. There were three black guys sitting next to us at the bar. They’d been checking out Ilona since we’d arrived, so she went to ask them for a smoke. The two Russians turned up, and the first grabbed her by the wrist to yank her around. She slapped him.”

After that, everything went very fast. The thug had wanted to slap her back, but one of the black guys gave him a violent shove. They all started fighting, and Ilona and I slipped out, taking advantage of the confusion.

Outside, there was a black Mercedes waiting with a third man. Fortunately, it was parked on the other side of the street, pointing in the wrong direction. He’d seen us, but by the time he reacted and got out of his car, we were already far away, hurtling down Oberkampf in the middle of the Saturday-night partygoers. I remembered that Ilona had taken off her Jimmy Choos to run and we had gone through side streets, then down toward the Cirque d’Hiver to get the scooter. A mistake. In the meantime, the Russians had regrouped and, without a hitch, seeing the direction we’d taken, had made a quick return to the Pop’in.

The Mercedes had shot up rue Amelot just as Ilona was starting her scooter. Without missing a beat, she’d jumped it up on the sidewalk to try to shake off the car.

“Then I got really scared. I had no helmet and we were taking lots of small one-way streets in the wrong direction. We almost hit several people.” I shook my head. “I think we broke the speed record for crossing the 11th. but we couldn’t shake them, and they were going to catch us any minute. At some point, on one of the boulevards, I can’t remember which...” I stopped in the middle of my story to search my memory, in vain. “Well, I can certainly find it on a map. Anyhow, I saw a public works van parked near one of those huge metro air vents planted in the sidewalks. It was wide open, with several cables and pipes running from it into the ground.”

Then I told Ilona to go around the block the wrong way. This time we got lucky, a car heading toward us from the other end of the street forced the Russians to slow down. We went back to the van and I told her to get off the scooter. I dumped it into the vent opening, and we jumped right after it onto a large conduit. The scooter was wrecked, but we were invisible. No one saw our maneuver, not even the poor guy doing the maintenance on the vent. He only saw us climb back up thirty minutes later, a little dirty, once we were sure the coast was clear.

Sydney stared at me in disbelief.

“Go check it out, the scooter’s probably still in the hole. We caught a taxi back to Marc’s place. I thought we’d gotten out of the jam we were in. I was wrong.”

The phone started ringing in the next room. Ralph picked up. I sighed. This didn’t escape Sydney. A second call, a few seconds later. They were asking for Ralph again. I closed my eyes. The second conversation, in English, was more laborious. Italy. When Ralph hung up and joined us, his voice was less assured, more concerned. “I have bad news.”

I lowered my head, sniffled. “Yelena’s dead.”

“How did you know?” The cop in the polo shirt wasn’t so condescending anymore.

I knew it because of what had happened afterwards. Ilona and I had arrived at Marc’s very annoyed with each other. Especially me with her. The adrenaline was subsiding, giving way to a more muted tension.

“What time was it?”

“Two-thirty in the morning, maybe three.”

I remember yelling at her while pacing in front of the bay window of the loft. At my feet was the Place de la Bastille, with its July column and its little golden Genie of Liberty at the top of it all lit up. But I didn’t care about the view, I couldn’t stop yelling.

Ilona backed into a corner of the living room, near a low table, far from my outbursts. After a long moment without her reacting, she removed a packet of powder from her jacket pocket and traced some lines on the table. I jumped on her, beside myself, grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her. I stopped when I saw her sad, beaten look. The look of a girl who knew she’d lost everything. She put a finger on my mouth, snorted a line with a rolled-up bill before passing it to me. “I hesitated and then did the same. Believe it or not, it has been a long time since I’ve done coke. We finished the lines and stared at each other.”

Then everything got pretty hazy. She stroked my cheek, kissed me on the mouth, and bit my upper lip. Until it bled. First we made love there, on that low table. I could see myself again, lifting her skirt and pulling down her tights. She’s the one who had wanted me to take her like that, urgently, from behind. A violent, desperate ass fuck that went on for a long time, everywhere, until we both ended up passing out in the bedroom. “When I came to my senses, the three Russians were standing around the bed.”

“How did they find out where—”

“Yelena. She was the only one who knew where I was staying in Paris. I’d told her and she also knows... knew Marc.” I swallowed to avoid crying. “Did she suffer?”

Ralph nodded yes.

“And her kid?”

“All of them, the husband too. The thugs took their time.” Ralph looked at his boss. “Same for the housemate in Oberkampf.”

“Jesus! Who are these assholes, for God’s sake? Tell us if you know!” Sydney banged his palm on his desk.

I shook my head. “They spoke Russian the whole time. One of them dragged me off the bed and punched me in the face. I ended up in the paws of the older one, the famous Victor. That much I understood. I think he was the boss. He pushed me onto my knees, threatening me with a gun. Then he made me drink vodka from the bottle. To put me out, I think. He kept poking me with the barrel to make me swallow faster.”

I would have preferred to forget what happened next. The two other Russians had set to work on Ilona. One was holding her by the arms, the other was straddling her thighs to prevent her from moving. This guy started to cut up her face with a knife while he questioned her. “They never spoke French. Between every cut, he’d pour alcohol on her wounds. She was screaming.” A tear ran down my cheek. “She was struggling, and the more she screamed, the more the thugs enjoyed themselves.”

“You did nothing?”

I pointed to my cut eyebrow. “After a long time, she stopped moving. I thought they’d killed her. There was blood everywhere, on the sheets, on the walls. The torturer turned to Victor to speak to him. He got a reply and stuck his face close to Ilona’s. That jerk was holding his knife just under her chin, like this...” I mimicked his posture, “the blade facing up. And then...”

Then, Ilona shoved his hand with her head. The point of the blade sunk into the guy’s neck and he fell back holding his throat. His pal, the one with Ilona’s wrists, stood up, surprised, before reacting and hitting her with all his strength. Victor had forgotten me. His piece pointed to the bed, he was too busy trying to understand what was happening.

“In a burst of despair, I stood up and lunged at the gun. We fought, shots were fired toward the bed. I heard a thump and I knew his pal was hit.”

“A good hit, all right.”

I ignored Yves’s lame irony. “The weapon passed between us, we fought some more. There was another blast and Victor fell on top of me. I hit my head on the ground and lost consciousness. When I woke up under his corpse, the police were there. All the others were dead. Then you came.”

“That’s all?”

No, obviously. I looked at my interrogators one by one. “You don’t think it’s enough?” Probably not, but they would have to make do.

As he was aiming his gun at me, Victor had told me — in broken French — what he and his henchmen were looking for. He owned a special kind of airline that dealt in illegal freight. I even work with CIA, I transport prisoners terrorist, he’d slipped in, laughing, between two swigs of vodka, in Marc’s living room. At the end of the ’90s he had a business partner, Leonid, a Ukrainian Jew who had acquired Israeli nationality. Victor thought that was hilarious. They were selling weapons to the rebels in Angola and Liberia and the rebels were peddling some of them to al Qaeda for diamonds. Down there everything was paid for in local precious stones, conflict diamonds, war diamonds.

Six years earlier, Victor and Leonid had met in London to seal a pact with a rival. They’d ordered some girls — Ilona and Yelena — to celebrate. The evening had gone well, but in the early hours of the morning they’d noticed that the payment for their last African shipment, five million dollars in rough stones, had disappeared. They’d blamed the other criminal, of course, and settled the score with him. Neither of the two would have suspected those little whores, as Victor called them, of pulling off the theft. And as for the girls, they waited.

Not long enough, apparently.

A month ago, Ilona had traveled to Antwerp with Polaroids of the uncut set of stones, to find out their market value from some diamond merchants. A rumor had swept through the diaspora before reaching Leonid, who started to watch her. He quickly understood that Yelena had also been in on the job, and his plan was to send some of his men to Italy to get the diamonds back.

Without suspecting anything, Yelena had gotten ahead of everybody by entrusting me with the gift to Ilona. Then her luck turned, and I nearly got myself killed. Bitch. “I’m tired.”

“You’ll be able to rest soon.”

The cops released me the next day. The DA told me to stay in France a few more days for final verifications and then told me that the case would probably be taken to court, and that I would have to come back. I was able to go back to Marc’s place to collect my things, particularly the jacket I’d been wearing that evening, which I’d intentionally left there. Inside was Ilona’s cloakroom ticket.

I’m a really, really patient guy.

No comprendo The Stranger[14] by Hervé Prudon

Rue de la Santé

Paris is a full city. Every morning I empty out my head: It’s like in the country — last day of November — a new blue sky improves — upon acquaintance — with a bare sky — advancing openly emptiness — on a glass tray — sea without spray — sea of ice — and the city disappeared — like in the fields — when time passes — the wind dies down and pain disappears — you take a chair — you sit there — you feel like painting that — nothing oppresses — caresses from beyond...

I’m not going out but I’m not the only one: cocoons, tribes, parties, cells — family cells or others — ghettoes, armored doors, double-paned, triple-locked, padlocked, barricades, everybody standing firm. Nobody moves. To go from my place to the chic neighborhoods, you have to climb on trees, go from branch to branch like the baron in the trees. I’m too acrophobic. Also too claustro to crawl through catacombs. So walk along the asylum, the big prison, the convents and hospitals. Closed spaces. What they call maximum-security areas. Maximum tension. That’s rue de la Santé, from one end to the other. Health Street. The sickest street in Paris.

It was a fine end of November, abnormally mild. People were swimming in Nice and Biarritz. In some Parisian neighborhoods a vacation mood must have been in the air, the kind of spontaneous fragrance that floods you with pleasure, makes you fall in love, and fills you with bliss in front of a store window or behind a behind. No fragrance like this in other neighborhoods. It wasn’t a good idea to go out today. Outside it was too empty in spots. Real black holes of antimatter. Elsewhere dripping with picturesque. There are days where this city is borderline bipolar. I had zero grams of iron in my blood and I should have known that one way or another this deficiency was going to be turned around — and dangerously so.

In detective novels, demons or buddies always catch up with the guy who has served time: He goes down again, falls again, and dives back into the life again. But like I said, that’s in books. In reality there’s less reality; more things happen inside your head than on the street. Dead things, for example, or old ideas — they don’t have a grave but keep on dying in bits of brain in the unsafe area. All this to say that there are very threatening days when I don’t feel right inside and my life is like an old tape you can’t rewind or even decipher because of the hieroglyphics, belches, obsolete sonnets, postmodern jargon, and intensity levels of collective or individual memory. I needed a technician who could stick his fingers into the softened hard drive of my decomputerized neurons and the visceral tar of my decorticated cortex — not an oncologist. But the vagaries of the medical calendar are such that I had an appointment here, not there, and I couldn’t avoid having to walk the whole length of rue de la Santé. For some it’s a quarantine line, a humanitarian corridor, Social Protection, for others it’s death row. This street stretches out under an infinitely high wall of millstones full of holes like sponges; it’s a street buried alive inside its walls. There I go from jolt to decay.

“A man can live on emotion, doctor, you can’t live on fatigue, you live under it. You can surf on emotion, you’re a flying fish, a land-air missile, but fatigue torpedoes you, it drowns you.”

“Go back home and get some rest.”

“Rest on who, on what?”

“Get out and see people.”

“People? Where am I supposed to go? Into a store window, as a mummy? Sit in a heated sidewalk café between two coat hangers? This city is a frustrating mirage. I never go out, doctor, unless you hand me a summons for medical tests. Outside, on street level, you’re closed in, locked up, walled up. You really want me to go out on the street, this street? In the jolted, ultra-vulnerable state you put me in? This street is a black sword, it goes through me backwards, it tears out my guts and my head, it’s a brutal street, it’s sick and crazy and dangerous. You saw the wall? Fifteen yards high, hundreds of yards long, nothing but big millstones and every single one of them wants to get out of the wall and jump on you. Behind the sticky wall a fucking ferocious neighborhood, a human zoo. An Indian reservation, no reservations necessary. A concentration camp universe. The back room, the rubbish, the unsold items, all the ugliness of the most beautiful city in the world. A secret, private collection where you can find everything that’s wrong. It jumps out at you through the walls. I wasn’t educated in violence, and I still don’t know what side I’m on. There are two sides on rue de la Santé, a wall side and a house side. The two sides clash. Those who have almost everything and those who’ve lost everything. This isn’t a Parisian street and I don’t think it ever goes anywhere.”

I don’t remember what he answered. Move along, there’s nothing to see.

“Rue de la Santé is a slit, a geological fault in the exhibitionist system, the opposite of the Operation Open Doors that the City of Lights is putting on right now. It cuts through the eastern part of the 14th arrondissement from north to south, a neighborhood they call residential, in contrast to commercial. In actual fact a neighborhood of nothing. A place dismissed, like a case dismissed. In the game of Monopoly it does not exist.”

“You’re fixating.”

This street, merry as an exhaust pipe, begins at Val de Grâce (military hospital) and ends on rue D’Alésia (defeat of the Gallic chieftain Vercingetorix against the Roman general Julius Caesar) at the intersection with Glacière, rebaptized Place Coluche (French comedian, died on a motorcycle at forty-two, founder of the Restos du Coeur soup kitchens); on the even-numbered side it passes by Cochin (civilian hospital), La Santé (only prison inside Paris), and Sainte-Anne (psychiatric hospital). The blind walls of these institutions, confined there until further notice, face deaf buildings anyone is entitled to find ugly, especially after the elevated line on boulevard Saint Jacques, as you get nearer to the outlying neighborhoods where they’ve built modest and low-income housing. Further up, between Arago and Port-Royal, more historical places — convents and religious or monastic institutions; they conceal their rich, permanent heritage behind cleaned-up walls and clumps of trees.

“I’m not fixating, doctor, life put me in the fix I’m in, I have to stay in my room at one end of the street, it shut me up, it hammered me down, and you’re at the other end, one foot in my grave and the other among the fortunate of the earth. I’m stuck with the whole length of this street that’s locked away behind surrounding walls oozing with misery and pain. Only cemetery walls look that much like the walls of asylums and prisons. You don’t know who these walls separate from whom, the living from the dead, the normal from the abnormal, honest people from criminals, the sick from the healthy, animals from human beings — they separate some from others, that’s all you have to know. All you have to do is imagine that behind the walls it’s more than a zoo, it’s a jungle, Africa, hell, and the ghetto of living. Nobody walks on rue de la Santé, and car traffic is rare. People who live here are invisible, protected by their anonymity. Their children don’t play on the sidewalk. Nobody would get the idea of moving here, facing the walls, except for Samuel Beckett who chose to live right across from the prison. He used to say he’d always be on the prisoners’ side, but most of the prisoners never read Beckett; he lived on the other side of the street, the other side of the walls. The walls have the thickness of reality, but on both sides of the walls life has the consistency of a fantasy. On rue de la Santé you can’t see anything but you can hear voices, groans, and shouts, moans, calls, frenzies, revolts, and death throes. You’re never sure. It’s like being at the edge of a deep forest. It’s like a no-man’s-land, the Mexican border or the Berlin wall. Good happy honest normal people never go near asylums, prisons, or hospitals. They have no idea the centuries-old convents even exist. They don’t know what kind of life is lived there, what vices are practiced, or what types of surprises they’re cooking up for us there.

“Life here is not Parisian, no sidewalk cafés, no shops, no strolling around in the sun. It’s a life of shadows. The banks of the Seine and the Champs-Élysées are elsewhere, but the Seine is a bland sauce and the Champs-Élysées is paved with soft stones. The History of France is declaimed out there, under l’Arc de Triomphe. Paris is a grandiloquent city; it shines but leaves everyone in the dark, and the featherless Gallic Rooster is disguised as a phosphorescent peacock. The history of the French people is no longer written in newspapers or books, it went to sleep somewhere between long ago and formerly, between elsewhere and further away, but rue de la Santé is the bottom you hit before you bounce up again. De Gaulle and Mitterrand were treated in Cochin, all the great criminals made a stay in the prison, and in Sainte-Anne the pathways are called Maupassant, Baudelaire, or Antonin Artaud. Rue de la Santé is a black knife, a cutthroat alley, a cold trench, a fault, a slit, a scar, a short silence, and a draft of cold air. Every particle of air is a piece of shrapnel slashing through your brain. Far from the crowd, the passerby you encounter is an escapee, a survivor on suspended sentence, a jailbird, an abnormal person, or even an anchorite. At any rate a foreigner, not a citizen. He can’t be a tourist, an employee, or a storekeeper. A neighbor, perhaps, but from what side? He can’t ignore you, there’s nowhere he can look, he wants to hug you — or bump you off. He seems to know you, or recognize you. He already saw you in good company when he was in the padded cell, or solitary, or on a gurney, in prayer or in sorrow. It’s not the clash of civilizations, it’s the drift of continents. The guy in front of you is an iceberg in a thick fog. You’re ready to fight to the death, because this is where it’s happening, on rue de la Santé, at last you’re going to battle, after wandering around this fucking snail-shaped city for years without finding your niche — or the exit.”

“Mom died today. Or maybe yesterday, I don’t know. But I know she died today. Or maybe yesterday, I didn’t know. What does it matter? Yesterday, today, dead or not, her or me? Last night I reread Camus’s The Stranger to fall asleep. Result: I didn’t sleep at all. I dreamed that a dog who was allowed to go anywhere was dragging me by the sleeve through the sleaziest places you could think of, dungeons of passing time, the bottoms of which you could never get out of since the social elevator’s broken and the competition is international, I was in a nine-square-yard cell with two other inmates, I was on a hospital bed next to a cancer of the liver, I was like an overmedicated zombie in a cafeteria in Sainte-Anne and the dog was telling me to hurry up, we still had to visit the Catacombs and the Montparnasse cemetery. That dog finally left me alone but I began thinking about our appointment. I really shouldn’t have done that, because I hold you completely responsible for making me come here and then leave without getting anything. It would have been better not to come and not to think about it.

“At 9:30 a.m. I left the house at the last minute to see if I had any mail. There was that letter from the eviction officer about my unpaid rent and the eviction notice. My father died penniless and my mother worse, all alone, she’d even lost her mind. Paris was off limits for her, because of her blood pressure and the high rents. For her, Paris was no way to live. For me, that’s all there was. In the ’60s I’d already burned down all the projects outside Paris with napalm the way cobalt can get rid of your cancer.”

“When I was a kid I always dreamed of the Champs-Élysées, the banks of the Seine, and the Quartier Latin. I lived twenty miles from Paris in low-income housing. My father was general-in-chief of the middle class and a representative of smalltown France. That just shows you he didn’t exist. He used to bike back from the station and into the parking lot in front of the neighbors’ cars and their wives’ windows. Of course he had battle plans and naval maps in his pockets but he wouldn’t spread them out in front of his family who had homework to do or dinner to make. In the ’50s and ’60s the son of a modest wage earner in the southern suburbs could consider a career as a teacher in Paris. Paris was a conquerable citadel. The kind of target you could hit. It seemed to me the right spot for a young man with some French culture to have the firm illusion he’d be living in the center of the world. But it wasn’t a target made of concentric circles, it was more like a spiral with a constantly moving center. The more Parisian I was, the more of a stranger I was. An immigrant. I didn’t even give myself the right to vote, or a work permit. I would settle into apartments without paying the rent until I got evicted. I could always manage to melt into the city, I looked like seaweed, the spitting image of the crowd. I lived by writing and lying; in other words I lived on nothing. Most of the time I lived underwater, in the fog, but with the technique of the flying fish, I had flashes of scintillating lucidity that lead me to say I actually did live. Or at least I think so.”

“It seemed to me that in the ’70s, as I emerged in Paris, I was reproducing the fate of all humanity, I was like that fish with legs coming out of the ocean and becoming a monkey in a few million years, then a man; I was on dry ground, the promised land. I came from the southern suburbs, I didn’t realize I was leaving that impalpable, infinite, slimy old-people’s home to its economic stagnation and unemployment, hopelessness and mindlessness. I landed at the Porte d’Orléans, and I stuck there, all around Denfert, Montparnasse, and Port-Royal, without ever crossing the Seine. At least back then, the people of the 14th looked middle class and not yet like a bunch of chickenshits sliding into impoverishment. But I didn’t want to be prosperous. I wanted to be Verlaine or François Villon. Verlaine ended his life here, in the hospital neighborhood, going from sleazy hotel to hospice, from the arms of Eugénie Krantz and Philomène Boudin, well-known prostitutes, to the less tender arms of the hospital sisters in their habits.”

“I ended up at Cochin Hospital. Not really ended. Not really continued. I stopped there. The Achard wing is a huge blue thing that would bring anybody down, but from the ninth floor you can look out over all of Paris. At night it looks like the scintillating sea. I had become the ghost of a big crow and I had a rotten egg in my esophagus. A bodyguard never left my side: It was a kind of giraffe or gibbet from which a goiter was hanging, a bladder, a belly heavy from chemotherapy. I also had a syringe on my lap, and in my chest a tube between a vein and pipes through which substances were flowing. Every morning a stretcher bearer would come get me and take me to an ambulance that crossed the city toward the Place Gambetta. In a sci-fi-setting I was bombarded by X-rays to the music of Keith Jarrett. In the big waiting room where a horde of frightened paupers were waiting, I would smoke Craven “A”s while waiting for the ambulance drivers to come back. I no longer thought about downing large quantities of alcohol, I was much calmer. I had no desire to get out of there and into a café, didn’t feel like picking up girls either. I had all I needed, because on the one hand I could see my life like a real thing and not a beautiful piece of fruit, and on the other my life was an object of care for all the people who surrounded me, and that gave it a certain reinforced substance. I was naked in my life but that life was an air cushion. The weight I’d lost was the weight of guilt, bad fat. I felt unbelievably forgiven. Of course I was wrong, but as long as I was in the hospital or even in the ambulance listening to the drivers’ bullshit, I was untouchable — admirably lucid, but only relevant on one side of the wall, nine stories higher than other peoples’ lives.”

“I looked out over rue de la Santé — I think I’ve said the main things about it already — and the square courtyard of a little Ursuline convent. At 10 in the morning a window in the building would open and a woman would appear in smiling majesty, and the memory of her majestic smile would accompany me all day through the obedient time at the hospital, for I rediscovered in her slow, secluded life the secret impatience of childhood time, when there is a century from one Christmas to another and two hundred thousand palpitations of the heart between two kisses.

“‘She’s not smiling, she’s making a face,’ my roommate would say. He was really nasty in his unhappiness, and his company was a nasty face behind my back.

“I knew that once I fell out of my observatory down there, driven out of the asylum parenthesis, everything would move very quickly between two fatal accidents and from sequels to metastases, from personal bankruptcy to planetary cataclysm, everything would go bust, irremediably, from day to day for centuries and centuries, with no ritual to consecrate the moment or drunkenness ever again to sublimate it, no surprise would shake up the exhaustion of living when the memory and consolation I had found was erased, not near that Ursuline nun I couldn’t see very well with my own eyes from so far away, my eyes fucked up by the drugs, but I could have walked at least once barefoot into emptiness halfway to the sky to meet her, barefoot, in pajamas, light, on the invisible tightrope of my desire, even after her arms get tired of opening and sorry that my late lamented desire is worn out and dangles down, defeated by medication and other things in my mental constitution, this being noted well before I was freed from the cancer wards.

“But who was she smiling at twelve months out of twelve all the goddamn day between her four walls and the arcades of her little convent? Was she cloistered there forever? Was she really as I saw her when she stood against the wall in her window frame, Ava Gardner and the Mona Lisa, and if not, then who?

“‘A slut,’ my roommate would say. ‘She’s doing a mouth striptease with her smile.’

“It’s true she’d fucking contaminated me with her smile. All I had to do was think of her crowned with light, her breasts raised and her arms open in a sweeping gesture inaugurating the glorious day, and a smile would spread over my beaming face, remaining between my lips like a sigh of the greatest beatitude. The guy who shared my room was a bad-tempered paranoiac with bipolar tendencies; it made him nervous that I never stopped thinking about her, all mischievous and generous, hence the smile. He didn’t like the idea of me smiling behind his back.

“Not so long ago, when I was nervous too, I felt that time spent doing nothing is blood you’re losing, blood leaving your body. My blood was over there, in the veins of that little nun. Little or big, I don’t know. That’s where life was. Behind the walls. Between four walls and in a bed, in the conversation she has with the world at the intersection of morning and eternity, a certain way of turning the courtyard of a convent on rue de la Santé into the Sahara of Charles de Foucault, and praying there without saying anything and without wasting her time. As for my time, my time for living or not, other people could spend it, think about it, put it to good use. My use of life had been disappointing, especially my own life I mean, I never really managed to live, but if you’ve tried yourself you know it isn’t easy, but I was beginning to hear, in the breathing of the tangible, invisible, and in a word discreet universe — quite unknown, like that Patuyan territory where Lord Jim carved out his fate — something livelier than life, the radar echo of infinitely gentle matter that might welcome me for a while. Things and people we look at stealthily — we steal something from them, as the root word shows, probably a bit of their image, as if we’re surveillance cameras, but why not benevolence cameras? We trust them to lead us, to walk us about, and they embody us, as if that fucking metempsychosis didn’t wait for us to die. We become the dog in the street, the tree waiting for its leaves, the baby bawling in its stroller, and the nun in her room who can’t see you but is probably praying for you, for you to be saved.

“I saved a greeting for her every morning, she would smile her smile, and it all fused together and remained hanging in the air.

“The first days at my window it was passionately sexual, I was lying in wait, feverish and predatory, a generous sperm donor, but what with habit and laziness and a whole lenitive chemistry, it turned into something else: murmuring a sweet song, not breaking crackers anymore, taming a titmouse, leaving the night nurses alone, giving a bit of oneself little by little, day after day — I moved all my hope into the nun’s place across the courtyard, making my nest in her flowerpots and my faith in her catechism, whereas my roommate slit his throat in the communal showers.

“I would not regret our conversations, not because he called me Monsieur Schmaltz or Sister Smiley, but because I had no idea what he was talking about. One day, before opening his mouth, he wrote out a draft of his declaration:

“‘No,’ I would say. ‘You don’t always know what to say.’

“‘You don’t always say what you see either, because what you see is unspeakable, in French in the original, right? Schopenhauer can say that the true existence of man is what takes place inside himself, and that in the same environment each man lives in another world, we’re still in the same room, right? So do me a favor, stop smiling. Or you’re gonna get it from me too.’

“‘According to Swami Prajnanpad, one must say yes to everything and when we accept something willingly there is no suffering, and fear must be banished from our lives.’

“‘If I didn’t run a schizophrenic support group in regular life, I wouldn’t feel like I was talking to the wall of an autistic crap-house covered with graffiti smelling sickeningly and sweetly of shit. You put smiles all over this goddamn room, what the hell do you like here?’

“‘Me.’

“‘You remind me of that fucking young mother who smothered her baby and threw him into a pond. The same night she was smiling into the TV cameras claiming someone had stolen her kid. Why was she smiling, huh? Why’re you smiling too? Fuck off, get the hell out of here, you asshole. Dickhead. ’”

“Well, he died, that’s life. So everything would have been okay in the hospital if they’d kept me inside their walls; they’d even confiscated my prick so I couldn’t injure myself, so that my temporary impotence was perfectly interlocked with the votive chastity of my Ursuline across the way. I felt more and more like I was sitting inside myself, like a stone in the sand. There was nothing else I had to do. I was born to be there. I was legitimate, like Verlaine.

“Then they gave me a Turk for a neighbor. Or maybe a Kurd. He was no poet. I didn’t understand a thing he said, but when he didn’t say anything he looked dead.

“And when he died he had a smile that looked like me. I wondered why this Turk or Kurd had come to die in the 14th.

“I told you about the fish with legs who became a monkey and then man, but I didn’t tell you about his dismay when he understood, with his great intelligence, that the dry or promised land was not the center of the world. The center of the world had changed places in the meantime. From then on it was submerged, or Chinese, or somewhere in the suburbs of the world, in the anonymity of forgotten, tiny, unconscious lives, protozoan small fry. So all the monkeyfish could do was go back to the ocean, wherever the currents carried it, but it no longer knew how to swim or breathe in the water. That’s why we can see it on the strand, that strip of wet sand between the beach and the ocean, it talks to seashells and hears Apollinaire’s line: And the single string of the sea trumpets... It paces around without knowing if it’s time to get wet or dry. You really don’t want to keep me here, doctor, the way you’ve seen me, do you?”

“I’m a gastroenterologist, not a psychiatrist. I can see you’re a depressive, but you’re not the only one and beds are hard to come by. Your colon looks okay, your stomach has definitively found its spot in the mediastinum, and aside from the problem of anemia, you’re in perfect health. I don’t want to see you here anymore. Next time, go see your primary caregiver. You had an operation ten years ago, that’s old news, and you still keep coming to see us. You live next door? You’re just dropping by like a neighbor? You moved into a boarding house across the street?”

“Across the street there’s a convent. And your nearest neighbors are jailbirds and insane people. I live further away in a new neighborhood where the lower middle class lives. I feel like I’m my father, but unlike me he didn’t have debts and he paid his rent.”

“Good. What did your father do?”

“He biked every morning and evening to the station and back, but I’m walking back.”

“Don’t get caught in the demo with your dickhead and your wobbly legs. It’s the firemen against the CRS riot police; things are going to heat up. And call me this evening for the results of the biopsy.”

I went back up to see my room. It had no smell anymore. The moron who’d slit his throat ten years back was there, he’d come back again, all sewed up, in bed, in bad shape. He didn’t want my compassion, and he didn’t even recognize me. I went up to the window to take a look at the convent. Veiled Ursulines were walking around the courtyard, I didn’t know which one was mine. They never went outside, or very rarely. A little like me. We were not fated to meet. On the other side over the rooftops you could see the Eiffel Tower as if it were brand new.

Once I was outside I backed up. I crossed the boulevard and I went and sat down in a garden of the Observatory. From there I could see Sacré-Coeur, but between the big hill of Montmartre and that part of Montparnasse, there sits all of Paris: In the mist, it wasn’t much. And to think I’d wanted to stick something up the ass of this fucking city. Walls, houses, and behind the walls of the houses, heads, and in each head other walls, dollhouses, makeup, and monkey-dreams — that’s all there was.

I was mad at myself for not being in good shape. I’d been afraid of a relapse and my body had become an irresponsible mechanism.

I say eternal words to myself with no substance, fine day, bare sky, the blue transparent skin of emptiness, the trembling of the air, the border of absence, rue de la Santé, Health Street, the health of the street. So everything is in everything else? But I am in nothing. Isolating, escaping, thinking against the grain, alone, thinking Tao, sparrow and Tao, not acting, no longer moving, until the reality test.

That’s when that first corpse came into the picture. I heard myself saying: He’s dead, that’s life. There was no border between him and me. I had already thought all that about someone I loved, or maybe not, or else someone with wings, or crawling, or an inanimate object. A household robot? No doubt FN, French Norms, I have always been faithful to French Norms, even to my smallest whim.

I am a man of quality, I said aloud, French quality, a creation of national craftsmanship. Not a top-of-the-line product, but not supermarket junk. I am a “cultural exception” in the French sense, except for the fact that there’s nothing exceptional about me. Perfectly average. It seems to me the corpse is sitting on the bench and I’m sitting on my ass. I have no other spiritual base but my own bottom, bottomless anyway, ever since I got sick, but that’s the base I’m talking from, right? To the walls, to the dead.

I stir thoughts with the pins and needles in my legs. Maybe they’re the pins that stir my thoughts. They think in German, like strategists, they hold me very straight in my boots, like Bismarck. But I’m going to take French leave, like the Invisible Man. I may think like a strategist but I still act like a wanderer. I wander standing still. I have this corpse on my hands, it’s hard to get away from it. He’s a young man and I find him touching. What should I do? Administer first aid? Aid yourself first. Wait for help, some clarification, after which I could kiss this episode goodbye and enjoy the benefits of resilience? This city is dead and inhabited by corpses. Even the leaves of the chestnut trees are dead. The wind growls at the big trees and the rain’s teeth are chattering on the surface of the Fontaine des Quatre-Mondes. A leaf falls on my nose, soft and wet, dead. An actual slug coming out of my nose. I’m more or less in the same state of dismayed stupor as the day I was excluded from the Great Competition of Floral Poetry because I shat in my pants before the official jury.

At present, through a shining rain, I am distressed to see a young man next to me on the bench all slumped down with his shoulders hacked to pieces by a machete, and just five minutes ago he was telling me with a smile and flawless teeth about his reasoned ambition to live here in France, the land of welcome — a young, practically French-speaking friendly Rwandan who lived, from what I could glean from his damned gobbledygook, in the dorms of the Cité Universitaire and wanted to give up his studies in Paris. He had met a girl he liked, someone of the same culture and status, and his temporary job as an interpreter for tourists on the Bateaux-Mouches was enough for him to begin integrating into society, while he waited. Waited for what? I said to him. Waited to get old? He had Camus’s The Stranger in his pocket, that asshole. It’s funny. When you read The Stranger, you always think you’re Meursault, the one who kills, the one who thinks, and never the Arab who dies like an asshole. If I were the general-in-chief of smalltown France I wouldn’t have been very proud of myself. A guy asks someone for a cigarette, the other guy’s a nonsmoker, so the first guy persists, walks away and comes back with a machete, and hacks the guy to pieces. No comprendo. I hadn’t seen the danger coming, I didn’t sense that the enemy offensive was coming around the Maginot Line either. But after all, we don’t have eyes on our backs. On our backs we have wings, right?

“Yes,” she said.

“You’re still acting in shitty films?”

“I write books,” she said. “I’m the new Virginia Woolf.”

I shouldn’t have been there in the Closerie des Lilas, a stone’s throw from Cochin and the Observatory. Famous writers had come to this brasserie, then their ghosts, finally plaques on the tables in memoriam and finally fat men smoking cigars and skeleton women coughing away.

The last time I saw the woman facing me was twenty years ago and the shitty film was a time in my life, not a masterpiece they show in the cinematheque. I should go back home along rue de la Santé with my eyes closed and lock myself up at my place. Last time, I’d managed to make her laugh with Parisian gossip, that red-haired slut in leopard tights. Maybe I had intrigued her, maybe not. I gave her a hard-on, what else can I say. I had a furious beast between my legs, a famished tiger. She looked like an elegant scarecrow at the time and now like an epileptic mummy. She was always smoking little foul-smelling cigars and she used to laugh loudly but without gaiety or any reason to laugh, aside from me. She drank large quantities of beer. Ten or twenty years ago — the last time — she was already a former dancer, or a former model, and a former American too. She already had an impressive length of service in a whole bunch of fields. She didn’t speak French very well and wasn’t listening to what I was saying. She didn’t want to listen to just anything. She was in a rush to live and now in even more of a rush, in a state of emergency really, except with me. It was as if for ten or twenty years she’d been recharging her battery and I’d emptied mine. I had absolutely no desire to be sitting across the table from her. If I could have chosen a female companion I would rather have chosen a dead woman, or one with Alzheimer’s, a mischievous little madwoman, inoffensive, hesitant, stammering, out of it, with gestures and signs of affection from another era. I was not unhappy to have left my cock in the cloakroom. I had nothing under the table that could have given me a hard time; under the table there were only cigarette butts that nobody would have thought of lighting.

I had set foot in a place I shouldn’t have, onto the other side of the boulevard. In the space of a hundred yards I’d gone through the 5th and 6th arrondissements, whereas that night I had dreamed that I belonged to the middle middle class, you know, the one people say is neither more nor less. So in that dream I was walking my dog, a ghost dog, without hurrying, and the dog starts pulling on his leash, he crosses through Sainte-Anne from rue d’Alésia to the elevated subway, then he scratches at the little metal door of the prison and he goes sniffing out sickness in the crowded ER of Cochin, as if he’s looking for something or someone. Not at all. He’s just trying to get rid of me among the crazies, the jailbirds, and the dying. He makes me go through the revolving door of the Closerie des Lilas, pulls me up to a lady with bright red hair and leopard tights, then leaves through the same revolving door and makes me wander out onto rue Campagne-Première, a street Godard used in Breathless. He bites the ass of the stone lion on Place Denfert, plunges into the catacombs, and to finish things off, to finish me off, he raises his leg on me. I wake up all pissy, sticky, sweaty, in a lukewarm smell that makes your stomach heave and breaks your heart, and makes you cry pissy, sticky floods of tears, it’s the smell of chemotherapy embalming you and profaning you while you’re still alive, I’m stretched out on a bed in a white room and the dog’s not there anymore, he must be sniffing around the Montparnasse cemetery behind the high gray walls, looking for a concession. That’s the kind of polytraumatising dream I came in for. But the worst is still to come: A doctor throws me out of the room saying I’m a simulator. Go figure Parisian life!

Sure thing. Everybody’s more Parisian than I am. The whole world is Parisian. The Chinese woman who makes little Eiffel Towers in the depths of Shanxi and the illegal Malian who sells them on the sidewalks of Quai Branly, the interpreter of Albert Camus or Jacques Derrida, and the French cancan dancer who raises her leg around Hamburg. Nothing is more Parisian than the Mona Lisa and yet she’s Italian, that Mona Lisa. My Parisianism isn’t worth a damn. I haven’t left the 14th arrondissement for ten years, the only one on the Left Bank through which the Seine does not flow.

“You are absurd,” the woman writer said to me.

“I am a stranger, a foreigner. I’ll never make it back home. Besides, I got an eviction notice.”

“So you’re not paying for my drink?”

“Not paying for your glass, not screwing your ass, we got no class.”

“Fuck off, you asshole, you dickhead, get the hell out of here.”

Reread this in Lord Jim in the bookstore next door:

Less courage than indifference. Does all that really concern me?

“What?” asked the bookseller.

“Me, the eviction officer, the biopsy. What’s the use? When my mother died she wasn’t in her right mind anymore, but if she had been, what could I have done with her mind? And my children... what the hell do they care about the biopsy, the eviction officer, and me? When China opened its economy to the free market, it led to the biggest exodus from the provinces human history has ever known. Young Indian women work sixteen hours a day in export industries for a salary of fifteen euros a month. In the same month a model or a soccer player makes a million euros.”

“Are you buying the book?”

“No, I don’t buy anything anymore.”

I humbly returned to the 14th arrondissement. As long as I was on boulevard de Port-Royal I was in the sun, broad-shouldered, with my head held high despite the humiliations of my constitution, but the end of rue de la Santé came down on me like a notch in a tomahawk, I turned off into that gorge, Little Big Horn. On my left the good guys, on my right the bad. So it was kind of hard for me not to zigzag, stagger, and go bumping from a wall to a gate, from a sentry to an intercom. Good thing I don’t walk by the prison every day, because I can’t help going inside to see my son who happens to be housed there through the fortunes of life, and he doesn’t like me to come see him all the time in the visiting room looking as if I want to get him out of there. When he sees me he always has that dismayed look he had when he opened his Christmas present under the tree — a nice book, when he was counting on a PlayStation, latest generation.

He knows very well that I don’t like knowing he’s in there, but he also knows very well I don’t like knowing he’s somewhere else. In short, I’ve never known what to do with the big guy since the day he was born. He’s a boy who has no problem telling good from evil, but claims that the former is more harmful than the latter, and the promoters of universal good have created more victims than the devotees of dirty tricks. In other words, he says the Crusades, the Inquisition, Communism, and colonialism have been more generously murderous in good faith and in the name of God’s law or man’s than a handful of rascals fearing neither God nor man.

“Why’d you come here, Dad?”

“I was in the neighborhood, passing by, son.”

“You’re sick? It’s your cancer?”

“Don’t worry, boy.”

“I’m not worrying, Dad. I’m inquiring, that’s all — you’re hanging in there.”

“I’m holding up, big guy.”

“I don’t see what hold-up you’re talking about, Dad.”

“We’re talking man to man, son, it does you good.”

“The trouble with you, Dad, is that you talk when there’s nothing to say, and you don’t say anything when I ask questions.”

“I don’t have all the answers, big guy, you don’t get answers just like that.”

“You never saw the sunny side of life.”

“And you did?”

“I’m going my way, and you’ve always been in the street. You’re the man in the street, Dad, a nobody. Nobody pays any attention to you.”

“How do you like it here? Good food?”

“I’m fine here, Dad, nobody can kick me out and nobody wants to take my place.”

“You’re pretty smart, the way things are now. People lose their jobs, can’t pay the rent anymore, their wife cuts out on them, their boys sell drugs and their girls sell their ass, all of them end up homeless, young, old — forty-eight percent of the French are afraid of becoming homeless. You got a cushy place here, don’t screw around with me.”

“Life isn’t rosy every day, Dad. The National Committee on Ethics reports that prison is a place of regression, despair, violence done to oneself, and suicide. The suicide rate is seven times higher than in the general population.”

“You know, boy, like I say, it’s not exactly all brotherly outside either. Here, at least you’re with people of your own kind. It’s like in Cochin or Sainte-Anne, or the Ursuline Convent. You see your mother?”

“No.”

“Well, I saw her on TV, on a literary show. It seemed to be going good for her: She had nice bright red hair and panther-skin tights. She was testifying about her orgasms, but nothing that could have incriminated me.”

“Hey, while you’ve got your mouth open, you’re gonna do me a favor. Not that I want to boss you around, but... you know the yellow café further down, right next to the boulevard, at the metro stop?”

“I know it without knowing it, it’s not my hangout.”

“The waiter there, his name is Willy, ask him for the package I gave him, and stash it away for the time being.”

“The time being of what?”

“That’s all, Dad, stop your bullshit.”

It’s amazing how much self-confidence this boy has now. A guy who used to give up his turn on the slide to other kids, I see him walking away, towering over the guards by a head. A kind of sun king. Well, a sun locked away in the shade. But with global warming, maybe that’s not such a bad place for it to be for the time being.

“For the time being of what?”

“You can do time without being, dickhead,” the guard answered me. “Get the hell out of here, asshole.”

Once I’m outside, I stare life in the face and I don’t see myself in it and a kind of perplexity takes hold of me, in fact a feeling of melancholy like that twinge of sorrow I used to feel when I dropped off my son, or was it his sister, with the woman who took care of them, a fine woman no doubt, often very easy-going, but certainly perverse.

Come to think of it, I’ve always abandoned my children. I left them with an inheritance of insecurity; insecurity isn’t bad, for someone who likes surprises. One day he’ll have his PlayStation. If I had the money I’d buy him one right away, I’d send him a package. But I don’t have any money, I don’t want any, I don’t deserve any. If I wanted money it wouldn’t be around here. Here, people not only have everything, they know how to use it too. They even know how to use you. They would even use my boy, if he was of any use whatsoever.

The prison wall seemed even higher and longer than it had on the way there, or else the sky seemed lower.

It was 1 o’clock when I walked back under the elevated train. The café was crowded, Africans eating pink spaghetti twisted in a heap on their plate like handfuls of complicated neurons. People often think Africans are cheerful, but these were sad. It was only the owner who was merry — a red-haired white woman, with zebra-striped tights — she danced behind the counter. I think she was missing half her teeth but I could only see with one eye because of the smoke. I asked for Willy in a low voice, as if I were coming on to him.

I laboriously explained my business to this Willy, who didn’t answer because, as the boss confided to me, he’d had his vocal cords slit in Kigali, in 1994. Willy listened to me, staring straight into my eyes as if I were finally confessing that I was responsible for the massacre of his family and his whole people, as the commander-in-chief of the French army that protected the Hutu militia who murdered 800,000 Tutsis with machetes and screwdrivers. The manager seemed to agree, she wasn’t laughing anymore either. Willy disappeared and came back with a package wrapped up with tape. He put the package in a plastic envelope and then in a Nicolas wine-bottle bag. He put it on the bar and again I thought of my boy unwrapping his presents under the Christmas tree. It seemed polite to order a beer and buy one for Willy, but the manager said fuck off, asshole, we’ve had enough of you.

“Yeah, we had enough of you,” Willy echoed. “Fuck off or I’ll gut you like a chicken.”

I thought my guts had been emptied out already but I didn’t get into an argument.

I went back by crossing through Sainte-Anne. It’s a shortcut, and a peaceful walk. You’d think it was a big convent with its tennis courts, archways, statues of men on horseback (or not), a romantic garden, and a decent cafeteria with reasonable prices. My daughter is a performer there sometimes. It took her a long time to find her way. When she was thirteen she became introverted and anorexic and I really thought she would become a nun, but that’s when she came back to us with bright red hair and a black mouth, fishnet tights and parachute boots. She was inseparable from her girlfriend Fred who had the same deadly pale gargoyle face tattooed with aggressive devils and pierced from eyebrows to lips with square-headed nails. Which is why, when Fred jumped out of the fourteenth floor across from our apartment, first I thought I saw the two of them together, but I was seeing double at that time anyway. Now I see clearly, I see simply, I see things the way they are. I think my daughter was the one who pushed Fred, the way you push away your evil genius. So my daughter wasn’t so crazy, but she was crazy enough to be locked up in an asylum with a room kept for her here for the last five years.

“No such thing as crazy,” she said to me last time. “I’m paranoid because of you. I was unable to sublimate my homosexual desire, which you never recognized, into a social drive. You never accepted Frederique as my sister because then your attraction to her would have been incestuous.”

“I wasn’t her father.”

So we sort of had an interesting discussion, I mean it went way beyond the disgusted faces and monosyllabic yells our father-daughter dialogue had been reduced to. At the time she was part of a theater group in her psychiatric hospital. If there had been an audience she would have turned her back on it, and if she’d had a script to recite she would have watched out for spying ears. But there was no script, no audience, just a director, who in fact didn’t have a stage. Nonetheless, my daughter had found her way and if some might say it was a dead-end street, what could they say about their own way? I really felt like consoling my daughter and telling her that her little dead-end was finer than the widest highways. I knew where I could find her, she usually hid behind big trees to throw stones at the birds. I don’t look anything like a bird and yet when she saw me she screamed and threw a handful of big pebbles. I think she recognized me. At least she recognized a man. A potential rapist: She hates that. That’s the way she’s been, especially since her nonpsychiatric episode a year ago. She was doing better, she’d gone back to school and even found a temp job as a cashier to pay for it since I was unemployed at the time, but the boss kept telling her she was a dumb jerk and a fat bitch and a fat jerk, all day, behind his mustache, so she quit that job to become a temp prostitute and that disgusted her, that masculine promiscuity, the disrespect for the human person and the assault on feminine dignity.

As for me, I wasn’t so brave. I retreated, and when I turned around I couldn’t see her anymore, but the tree was shaken and trembling. The tree was going into convulsions and howling dickhead, asshole, get the fuck out of here, go roll in your shit. A psychiatrist took me by the arm, dislocating my shoulder, and I asked him if there were any rooms free. That cracked him up, because they were emptying the mental hospitals to fill the prisons. I thought of the policy of family entry and settlement and I felt like going back home.

I left the walls of the hospital thinking about my father, the general-in-chief of the middle class, who never knew his grandchildren, but always had faith in social progress and the great chain of being. He also used to say you had to get a good education, be equipped for life without killing yourself, and find a nice cushy job in the public sector.

I hadn’t done anything to improve my anemia. I didn’t even know if I’d had a biopsy in Cochin or a bio-psych in Sainte-Anne. This kind of word problem could torment me, unsettle me to the max. I never should have walked on my head. A bunch of young hoods saw my weakness right away: “You sick, or you dead already? What were you doing with the crazies? Why’re you hanging out in front of the prison? Why don’t you go home?” They called me a dirty Frenchman; they must have been Arabs or blacks, I have a problem with colors. I said I had indeed passed by the hospital, the convent, the asylum, and the prison, and I’d heard the walls crying, but I hadn’t seen anything. There’s nothing to see on rue de la Santé. Nowhere. I could have walked by shop windows, brasseries, and cafés, I still wouldn’t have seen anything. There might’ve been bright lights, they might’ve been laughing in there, oh yes, but I would’ve walked on. I’m broke, nothing to sell nothing to give. I’m tired. When I go out I get claustrophobic. Outside not at home. At home’s bigger than outside. This city is a dead city the way a language is a dead language. Obsolete. Nothing is alive. People are thinner and thinner. They have the thickness of a light jacket, of spandex tights, jeans with holes in them, or a DVD. I tell these young assholes I can’t hear them, I can’t see them, I don’t even know if they’re there every day, dealing, hassling people, waiting while waiting for life to wait for them. Life doesn’t wait for anyone. They don’t exist. They’re sub-shits.

I tell them that because Hassan, the gardner, is behind me with a big pitchfork and he’s strict about the rules. He doesn’t like to see pre-delinquents smoking in his garden, sleeping on his lawns, or challenging honest passersby.

“You okay?” he asks me.

I don’t tell him I’m just out of the hospital, he doesn’t give a shit. I tell him I’m okay. He tells me about the garden. I don’t give a shit. I wonder what the teenagers are thinking. They’re not thinking, they’re waiting, they push things out of their way. I don’t know what Arabs think either, you never know what they’re thinking, they don’t think, they pray. Hassan gardens while he prays, maybe he prays while he’s gardening. Who knows. I don’t know what women think either — they talk, but do they think what they’re saying or say what they’re thinking? And when they think they don’t think about me but about Brad Pitt or George Clooney, I can tell. I don’t call that thinking. Anyway, my aggressors aren’t black or Arab or young, just morons. You have no idea what morons are thinking. A wild boar, a tiger or a snake, even a mosquito, you can imagine, but a moron? He thinks about himself. He doesn’t think of others. I don’t think of others either, but at least I try to think for others. I hear the walls crying. I don’t piss on prison walls, I don’t tag the walls of hospitals. Suddenly I realize I’m in Hassan’s arms, like an old fag crying his eyes out. It’s the anemia. Seems it dilates the tear ducts. Hassan is extremely embarrassed because he’s a modest, reserved man.

“You should go home.”

I tell him the kids are blocking my way. He drives them away with the back of his hand, like flies. You’d think he’d done that all his life, driving young assholes away like flies. I know them, he says, they’re not really bad. I blurt out that’s exactly what I tell my children about wild boars, snakes, and tigers, they’re not bad, but that being said, it is not unpleasant to see a fence, a wall, an ocean, and a few virgin forests between them and you.

The teenagers are threatening me behind Hassan’s back, they’re cursing me out, they’re cursing my mother and my children to the seventh generation, they’re saying they’re going to whip my ass. In their pants they have either fat dicks or huge knives, but it’s the same humiliation of my human person.

“Leave him alone, he’s crazy in the head,” one of them says. “Go finish yourself off,” he says to me. “We don’t play with dead people.”

“Don’t listen to them,” says Hassan. “They’ll play with anything.”

In the elevator a neighbor, blocked breathing, impenetrable face. He looks at me while looking somewhere else. It’s almost like we’re turning our backs on each other while forcing ourselves into a merciless face-to-face confrontation. He looks around thirty, with a fresh, pink complexion. Each new generation is an invasion, a recent wave of immigration trying not so much to integrate into society as to disintegrate me. We have nothing to say to each other and we don’t say it. Well well, he has a little pimple on his lip, that’s normal. One, two, three, four, the floors go by without saying what they’re hiding like the walls on rue de la Santé. The neighbor doesn’t bat an eyelash. Me neither. I look at the pimple on his lip. Our bodies are close. There is nothing between us. As I say that, I don’t know if I mean that nothing separates us or that we have nothing in common between us. I can see his face as if he were an enormous sphinx, or the Mona Lisa, every detail, but a huge mystery. I don’t particularly believe in the existence of God but the existence of man remains to be proven. A lot of absence in all that. I have an urge to poke his pimple to verify its material existence. The elevator stops at the sixth floor and the neighbor gets out, says goodbye. No smile. Fuck him, that asshole.

Home. It’s on the last floor; above that, there’s the sky. I feel like I’m on vacation here, in transit — away from the world and life. I’m closer to the sky than to the street. The world is locked out. I see the world on TV, it has the consistency of a plasma screen, nice colors, and often there’s background music to muddle up the commentary.

I was wrong to go out. Without the French medical-social system that provides access to free care, I never would have left home, given the price of the scan, the fibro test, the colon test, the ultrasound, and a friendly word of advice.

“You sure took your time,” says Sarah. “What’d you do?”

“When? Nothing.”

(It’s true almost nothing you might as well say little and badly done but after all far away means almost and in a bad way but after all hidden elsewhere or else hidden here crouching inside but disaffected like totally devitalized so this evening nothing more, no thanks, I’m full, a few more steps yes preferably in town without the seasons coming down with the noise and the back of the crowd and the back of the walls and already come back to sleep no doubt or eat to talk a little alone or not watch television and then turn it off and say something always the same thing about finally going to sleep before getting a cold from a window that’s not closed well or shade from a tree there outside night pain and fear of giants first then dwarfs and all kinds of flying and crawling insects in great numbers and a foreign language but not more than a hasty translation than the idea you have of it now furtive with cloud and whirlwind so to be grabbed with a certain precaution before making honey from it on the contrary from your surroundings shapes and noise in the house maybe joyfully but still sort of always the same thing joyful toothless that is pretty little might as well say almost nothing next to two bumblebees in the left ear and the right ear and a sty on your eye first and then deafness and glaucoma the next day and stiffness of the hands and feet and the mouth and lights out of love to the disgust with moving and saying the essential minimum not to mention vain naïve pain and fatigue because well all that why again what can you say if not to warn once again about what whoever didn’t already happen every day and before days of a necessary or optional absence or presence for the proper functioning of the troops or the end of hostilities how to know without foreseeing the ability to worry or despair generating reactions of joy explosions of hatred but I should be asleep already gone to or remained asleep here or there in the same state of a dead or ignorant ignored thing.)

“Nothing? No news is good news. Did you buy some wine at the Nicolas store?”

“Meursault.”

“What’s that package wrapped up with tape?”

“It was in my mailbox this morning. It must be the iPod you ordered on eBay for Chloe’s birthday.”

“Cool! Did you see my leopardskin tights?”

“You dyed your hair again?”

“Yes, to relax a little. I went to the bank because of that business of unpaid rent, it’s a crazy story.”

“It’s always a crazy story.”

“We’ve never been so alone, fused together in the same madness,lost in a world that has the consistency of a fantasy, it worries us to death. I read that in a book by Dardenne, I’m going to write something about it.”

“You’re lucky you can still write.”

(As for me, all I’m good at is waiting for the results of the biopsy. It’s like waiting for a verdict. Ten years, twenty years? A few weeks? And at the same time I don’t give a damn. Nothing I can do about it. The die is cast.)

“Where are the kids?”

“Julien’s at his PlayStation and Chloe’s sleeping over at her girlfriend’s.”

(I have no power over their lives. Here or not here, same thing. I floundered around all day whereas the street was straight. I screwed around, I nearly, I don’t know what I nearly did, I nearly did something I didn’t do I didn’t smile enough, I looked pissed off all day, not what you call an honorable exit.)

“When do you get the results?”

“I don’t give a shit.”

“Talk louder, I’m in the shower.”

Nobody pays attention to me with my dickhead and my asshole. The world turns. Women blossom. China is catching up with the rest of the world. I go out without waiting. Waiting for what?

It’s cold, night. Rue d’Alésia, deserted. Shutters closed. Bar-tabac shop lit up. I’m in the café at the very bottom of rue Glacière and rue de la Santé, the light in the jailhouse is diffuse at night, it isn’t lit. Walls eat up the blackness of the sky. Anemic streetlights shining very weakly on the barbed wire. The street is full of murders, fits of madness, creeping illnesses, and a whole planned contagion. The threat of an epidemic, gangrene. Dirty tricks. Everything is maintained there, a shadow zone, like a nuclear power plant. You have the feeling something’s going to happen, finally.

I’m reading a crime book by Albert Camus. Reading and writing for oneself and not counting on other people is a way of being French, being a zero from A to Z. So I’m reading The Stranger. I am that stranger. It’s a way of being out of it, being here by chance, in transit.

“Get out of here,” the manager says. “We’re closing up. You’ve read enough, dickhead.”

“I’m finishing the page, boss.”

I took a step, one step, forward. And this time, without getting up, the Arab drew his knife and held it up to me in the sun. The light shot off the steel and it was like a long flashing blade cutting at my forehead... My whole being tensed and I squeezed my hand around the revolver. The trigger gave; I felt the smooth underside of the butt; and there... is where it all started.

The light went out, the café closed. Everything closed. I finished living for the day. I’ll never know what began.