Playlist for the Dead

18. Say Something

“WOW,” I SAID, when we came up for air.

“Wow is right,” Astrid said.

I kissed her again. Her lip ring felt cool against my lips, not nearly as weird as I’d imagined. Because I’d imagined this a lot, I realized, even more so than I’d been aware of. Kissing her felt entirely familiar, despite the fact that I’d never actually kissed a girl before.

I could have sat at Peterson’s all day, eating fries, drinking egg creams, kissing Astrid, but I’d sought her out for a reason. Maybe there was something I was missing about the whole Athena thing, just like I’d misunderstood Astrid’s relationship with Eric. I just didn’t know where to start.

“So, the other day—” I started.

“When you should have kissed me and you didn’t?” Astrid asked.

“No, not that,” I said. “When we got back to school—”

“And you should have kissed me but you didn’t?” She was teasing me; she thought I was flirting, and I hated to let her down.

“You’re not going to let me live that down for a long time, are you?” I asked, although I worried that I was making too many assumptions about “a long time.”

“Nope,” she said, and kissed me again.

It was almost impossible for me to tear myself away. But I had to get my priorities straight. There were so many things I needed to figure out. I had no idea whether understanding Hayden’s relationship and what had happened to it would help me figure out what was happening to the bullies, but if there was any chance of it, it could be the only thing that would save people from thinking it had been me. Myself included.

I pulled my face from hers, but I was still sitting close enough that our shoulders almost touched. I reached out and gently twisted one of her extensions in my fingers. “I always wanted to know what those felt like,” I admitted.

“And now you know,” she said, but it was like a screen fell over her face. She must have seen something in mine. “But that’s not what you wanted to ask me.”

“No, it isn’t,” I said.

She bit her lip, which was already a little red and swollen from all our kissing. “Go ahead. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”

I hoped so. “That day at school, when I told you about Hayden’s computer. You were right. The password was Athena.”

She nodded slightly. “I’m not surprised.”

“And you never told me how you knew him. Hayden.” I was holding my breath; I had no idea what she would say. I had no idea what I wanted her to say.

“Does it really matter?” she asked. “He’s gone. None of this is going to bring him back.”

“I know it won’t,” I said. “But I still have so many questions. I need to at least try to understand. If you know more than I do, you have to help me.”

She sighed. “It’s a long story,” she said.

“I’ve got all day.”

She paused, and then let out a long breath. I guess she’d been holding hers, too. “All right, here goes.” She picked up a french fry and dipped it in the peppery ketchup; I could tell she was buying herself some time. I hoped it didn’t mean she was going to lie to me. “Remember the other day, when I told you about that guy I was so into?”

I nodded. I’d assumed it was Eric, but now I knew I’d been wrong.

“It was Ryan Stevens.”

I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. A powerful surge of jealousy went through me, which didn’t really make sense given that their relationship was over and hers and mine was just beginning. I reminded myself to listen, like Hayden had said.

“We met when I was a freshman. I’d just joined the cheerleading squad, and he’d just gotten moved up to varsity. It was so flattering to be hit on by a sophomore, and all my girlfriends thought he was so cute. I did, too. He really seemed to have his shit together, you know? He was smart, good-looking, athletic—everything I was supposed to want, right?” There was a bitter note in her voice. I wasn’t sure what that was about. “I used to hang out at his house. That’s where I met Hayden.” Her voice softened again. “He was so sweet. At first he was shy, wouldn’t talk to me much. But after a while he warmed up, and he’d let me come in his room.”

“Where it looks like the Death Star threw up,” I said, smiling at the idea of it.

She laughed. “Yeah, it was pretty geeky in there. And when he started talking about Mage Warfare…”

“… you wondered how you could ever have thought he was shy.”

“Exactly. Couldn’t get him to shut up about it, but it was charming. I couldn’t understand why he and Ryan didn’t get along.”

“The whole football-versus-geek thing didn’t clue you in?”

“Oh, sure, there wasn’t much common ground, externally. But you’ve met their parents; you know what they were like. Their standards were exacting, impossible to meet. Ryan tried as hard as he could and I knew it was killing him; Hayden just refused. Different strategies, same problem.”

I’d never thought of it that way before.

“I did what I could to bring them together, but it never really worked. It didn’t help that Ryan’s friends were such assholes.”

“Amen,” I said.

“Anyway, that’s how I got to know Hayden a little.” She stopped, bit her lip again.

“What happened with you and Ryan?” I could tell she didn’t really want to talk about it, but I had to know.

She looked down at the dirty linoleum floor. “We dated for about a year. Right up until…”

“The car accident,” I said. No wonder she didn’t want to talk about it.

“I was so lost after my dad died,” she said. “He’d gone out for takeout, and I kept thinking that if I knew how to cook, or if I hadn’t been hungry, or if I’d wanted pizza instead of Chinese… so many things I could have done to stop it. You know?”

“Yeah,” I said. “I know.” Oh, how I knew.

“And I get now that it’s not my fault, or at least that it’s no more my fault than anyone else’s—the woman who hit him because her car was too old for antilock brakes, the weather gods for the freezing rain that made the roads so slick. But I was a mess, and I needed to get out of myself. That’s where Astrid came from.” She waved her hand from her head down to her feet.

“Astrid is wonderful,” I said softly.

“Astrid is necessary,” she said. “And I thought Ryan would understand. He had his perfect-kid persona to shield him from his parents; Hayden had Mage Warfare to get away. Astrid wasn’t so different. But his friends, his horrible fucking friends… they made fun of him for going out with such a weirdo. My friends were no better; they didn’t understand why I needed to change, and they got me kicked off the cheerleading squad for not meeting the dress code or some stupid thing. When Ryan finally broke up with me I felt like I had nothing.”

“He broke your heart,” I said.

She snorted. “Sounds so stupid, doesn’t it? But yeah, I’d expected better from him. I thought he was different than Jason and Trevor, but it turns out I was wrong. And I’ll never forgive him for it.”

As happy as I was to hear that Ryan was well out of the picture, the way she talked about him made me nervous. I never wanted to hurt her like that, but there were still so many things I needed to know. Like the most pressing question of all: Who was Athena? Could she really be Astrid? How close had she and Hayden become?

“Look, I know there’s a lot of stuff you want to know,” she said, “but this conversation is kind of bumming me out, and I was just starting to enjoy feeling happy. Can we maybe talk about the other stuff later?” She leaned over and kissed me again, and I knew my other questions would have to wait as long as she wanted.

“All right, kids, time to pay up.” We were interrupted by Mr. Peterson. “We’re closing shop.” Was it my imagination, or was that grimace on his grizzled face a kind of smile? And what time was it, anyway? The clock said it was after six; apparently my loose grasp on the passage of time wasn’t limited to when I was at home.

“Let’s go to Eric’s,” Astrid said. “You should really hang out with those guys. And Eric’s been rooting for you—he’ll be psyched to know you finally made a move.”

“No need to tell him you forced me into it,” I said, and left some cash on the counter.

“You just needed a little prodding,” she said.

Eric lived within walking distance of Peterson’s, but in the opposite direction of my house, which made me wonder how I’d get home. “Don’t worry, we’ll figure something out,” Astrid said, and we walked holding hands as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

I knew she didn’t want to answer more questions, but I couldn’t help myself—there had to be some innocuous stuff she’d tell me. “So, Hayden never mentioned that he knew you.”

“Funny, he talked about you all the time,” she said. “That’s what made me want to meet you. The thought of someone as sweet as him and as cute as you…”

I blushed. She thought I was cute? “Did you tell him to watch Donnie Darko, too? He had that song on the playlist.”

“The playlist?”

Even though we’d listened to one of the songs together, I realized I hadn’t told her about it. “Yeah, Hayden made me a playlist. Before he died. There’s a bunch of songs on there I know, and then a whole bunch I don’t. He said if I listened I’d understand.”

That screen fell over her face again. Maybe I had gone too far. “Yeah, I told him about it,” she said, finally. “He thought it was too weird. He liked the soundtrack, though.”

Now I had one piece of the puzzle. I wondered if she’d given him the other music, but I didn’t want to push her away again. “It’s a great song,” I said. “What else is on the soundtrack?”

She looked relieved, and we talked about music and movies as we walked to Eric’s house. Astrid, like me, was mostly into alternative stuff; we talked about how impossible it was to find anything good on the radio, which bands we liked. I paid close attention to see how many of them were on the playlist, but either she wasn’t Athena or she was being careful—most of the bands she told me about were ones I already listened to, so there was no way to tell whether she’d given him the new stuff. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t want her to be Athena, for reasons I wasn’t sure I entirely understood, but I also didn’t know what the alternative was.

“So, this playlist,” she said. “Can I hear something else from it? Do you have your iPod?”

“Always,” I said, and got it out of my pocket. I thought about what song to play for her. There were so many darkly beautiful songs on there, but they were so sad, and I didn’t want to bring the mood back down. I wondered if I should make it a test—pick one of the songs I hadn’t heard before and see if she knew it—but I wasn’t sure what I wanted her to say. Finally I chose one, and we shared earbuds again, like we had the day of Hayden’s funeral.

We walked and listened, the air growing cooler around us, the sun setting as we went, shades of red and pink and purple that seemed to make the cornfields glow. I hoped she was focusing on the part I wanted her to, about being the one if she wanted me to. I didn’t want the song to end, but it did. It had to.

I stopped walking for a minute and pulled her close to me as the last notes played. We’d kissed, sure, but we hadn’t hugged yet, and it felt so good to hold her so tightly, to feel her body line up with mine. She was almost as tall as I was, which seemed perfect just then.

“Has it helped?” she asked.

“Has what helped?”

“The playlist. Has it helped you understand?”

I thought about it for a minute. “Not yet,” I admitted. “But I’m starting to see that maybe it wasn’t all about me.”

“That’s a start,” she said.

And for now, it would have to be enough.