Playlist for the Dead

22. Last Goodbye

I STARED AT ASTRID LIKE AN IDIOT. “How could you know? You weren’t there.”

“I was supposed to be,” she said.

I didn’t know what to think. But the wheels in my head were spinning, spitting out possible scenarios. Astrid was Athena, and they were supposed to be together at the party. Athena was fake, and Ryan and his friends had set Hayden up just to embarrass him. But how would Astrid know that? Unless she’d been back with Ryan. God, I hoped that wasn’t true. But it didn’t seem right. Nothing I could think of seemed right.

“Let me tell you the whole thing,” she said. She looked worried—scared, even—but she started talking anyway. “I told you I’d become friends with Hayden when I was going out with Ryan, but we stayed in touch even after the breakup. Just the occasional text here and there; he knew I was having a hard time with everything, and he was such a sweet kid. And I liked him so much. I didn’t know why he always seemed so alone to me. Especially when he had a friend like you.”

Something about the way she said it made me feel guilty, but I resolved to just listen and not try to defend myself.

“I decided he needed a girlfriend. And I told him that, but he was too shy to try himself.”

I could have told her that; we’d talked about girls all the time, but neither of us had the guts to ever approach one.

“I wanted to fix him up, but I didn’t think he’d go for it. So I figured I’d try another approach. I had the perfect person in mind: someone cute and small and shy, just like him. Someone creative, who could be talked into finding online gaming fun.”

“Who?” I asked.

“Jess,” Astrid said quietly, looking down.

I remembered the pixie-haired girl I’d seen at the party, and then at lunch, the one who’d never talked to me. I’d thought maybe she didn’t like me for some reason; maybe she’d thought I was the one who hurt the bullies. But maybe it was just shyness. “Jess?”

Astrid nodded. “She’s a sweetheart, just like Hayden, but she’s even shyer than he is. I’ve been wanting the two of you to become friends, but the thought of it completely freaks her out, so I haven’t pushed it. It’s partly because I feel so awful about what happened. See, when you say it’s your fault, I can say that I know it isn’t. Because it’s mine.”

I started to shake my head.

“At least partially,” she said. “I told her how into Mage Warfare Hayden was, that she should set up a user name and find him in the game. That way she wouldn’t have to talk to him in person, not right away; I knew she was much more comfortable online, just like him. She was nervous at first, but I really talked Hayden up, and eventually she was into it. I even suggested the user name.”

I felt my shoulders slump with relief. So that was the connection between Astrid and Athena. I had to admit, it made more sense than the thought of Hayden and Astrid together. And now I didn’t have to feel weird about the idea of sharing a girlfriend with Hayden.

“It worked perfectly at first,” she continued. “Hayden didn’t tell me anything, of course; he wasn’t about to confess to me when he hadn’t even told you. But I kept up with Jess. She was so excited—it seemed like she was really coming out of her shell. They were super cute, always talking about music and making little mixes for each other. I felt like the world’s best matchmaker. And I was even more excited when Jess told me they’d decided to meet in person. She’d been texting me while they were talking online, and I told her about the party. I figured Ryan and those guys wouldn’t be there because of the football game, and I swore to her that it was the perfect place for them to meet. She was terrified he wouldn’t be into her once he’d met her, though I knew there was no chance of it. But if that’s what she needed to feel safe, then I’d make sure she had it. I’d be her wingman.”

“But you weren’t,” I said.

She shook her head. “I wasn’t. I was supposed to meet her there, but something happened, and I just couldn’t. I apologized to her about a thousand times and promised her everything would be fine. Stephanie Caster’s kind of a bitch, but her parties always draw such a big crowd that I figured Jess and Hayden could slip off together and no one would care. I knew it didn’t really matter where they were; as soon as they met in person everything would be fine. She was nervous, but she said she’d be okay.”

“What happened?” I asked. “Why didn’t you go?”

“I can’t talk about that,” she said. “I’m sorry, but it’s not my story to tell. Just trust me when I say I didn’t have much choice. You know what it’s like to have a best friend.”

That meant it had to do with Eric. I wanted to believe her, but I just wasn’t sure yet. “I don’t remember seeing Jess at the party either, though.”

“She got there before you guys did,” Astrid said. “And it was just long enough for her to run into Ryan and his buddies.” She said their names with even more bitterness in her voice than I usually had. She must really still hate him. “I don’t know what they said to her, but whatever it was, it was enough to send her flying out of there. She texted me that she was breaking up with Hayden and she never wanted to hear his name again. I didn’t get the message until hours later; I tried to ask her what happened but she wouldn’t text me back.”

“And Hayden never got to meet her.”

“Which is just so sad to me,” she said. “They could have been happy. If I’d gone to the party…”

“You know things wouldn’t have been any different,” I said. But I understood why she was sad; I felt the same way. Hayden had come so close to something real, and to have it taken away from him… that had to have been devastating.

“Not necessarily. I could have kept Jess away from those guys, or talked to her after, or kept them away from Hayden…”

“You can’t know that. You can’t know that anything would have been different.”

“Well, neither can you,” she said, and I supposed on some level she was right. “All we can say for sure is that Ryan and his friends are at least partly to blame.”

I wanted so badly to ask whether she thought I was somehow taking revenge, but I didn’t know how to say it without sounding crazy. And even as I got angrier and angrier at them, at whatever it was they’d said that pushed Hayden over the edge, I wanted desperately to know that I wasn’t responsible. Maybe they deserved payback, but not this anonymous, physical harm. They needed to know they’d done something wrong. And everyone else needed to know it, too.

No, it couldn’t have been me. It just couldn’t have. But if not me, then who? ArchmageGed? Really?

Astrid reached out and put her hand on mine. “Where are you, Sam? I lost you there for a minute, didn’t I?”

“I’m just thinking,” I said. “There’s still so much that doesn’t make sense to me, and there’s still one thing I’m worried about. There’s only one member of the bully trifecta who hasn’t gotten what’s coming to him: Ryan.” I told her my theory, that if Jason and Trevor had been attacked, then Ryan was next.

She pulled at one of her hair extensions. “You can’t be sure of that,” she said. “It’s not a given that the attacks are connected. It might be karma, but it could still be random, couldn’t it?”

“It could, but that doesn’t mean it is,” I said. “I’m worried something will happen.” I paused. “I mean, what if it really was me?”

“Not a chance,” she said. “I know it wasn’t. And so what if something happens to Ryan? He deserves whatever he gets.”

“That’s kind of harsh, isn’t it?” It freaked me out a little that she could feel such hostility toward someone she used to like so much, but then again, I’d never been through a breakup before. I had no idea what it would be like, and I didn’t want to have to think about it. I was glad she was so sure it wasn’t me, though. I wanted to be that sure too.

“Do you really think so? Wouldn’t you like to see all three of them get what they deserve? Wouldn’t it be kind of satisfying, in a way?” She was leaning forward now, almost as if to say it was okay for me to say it, that she wouldn’t judge me.

But I’d judge myself. I had to make sure things didn’t go any further; I just didn’t know how. “I don’t think that would fix anything,” I said.

“You never know,” she said, and stood up. “I’ve got to head out now, but what are you doing this weekend?”

“I’m supposed to go to this mud racing thing with Rachel and her boyfriend, but if you want to hang out I can get out of it.”

“No, that’s perfect!” she said, finally smiling again. “That’s what I was going to ask you about. Eric’s racing. It’ll be amazing.”

“Eric?” I was still having trouble reconciling hipster Eric with farm-kid Eric, though I supposed the mudding thing made sense for someone who knew how to fix a tractor.

“He’s shockingly good at it. And I think he’s going to race Ryan. It’ll be fun to see Eric kick his ass.”

“Not sure ‘fun’ is the word I’d use, but I’ll be there,” I said.

And then we kissed, for a long time. I wished it were forever; I wished I could freeze that moment, standing in the middle of the mall, and not have to think about anything else ever again. I didn’t want to think that Ryan was next, and that on Saturday, everyone would be watching. And I had no idea what was going to happen.