Primal Spillane: Early Stories 1941-1942

The Woim Toins

Little Willy Wickerschnikle scooped up a desk full of letters and marched into the boss’ office. “Here’s the day’s doit, Boss!”

Slowly the bushy-browed Simon Legree spun around in is swivel chair and gave Willy a devastating once-over.

“Young man,” he bellowed through his whiskers. “How often have I told you to correct your English... and quit calling me boss!”

Willy shook under the onslaught, nodded his head like it was on a rubber band and waited for orders. Christopher Fitzgerald Wampus, alias “the Boss,” ripped the ends out of his mail and scanned the contents. Bang, bang, bang, went his fist on the desk.

“Bills, bills, and more bills,” he yelled. “Is this place a credit house or a stock brokerage agency! Look what I get sent...” The boss held aloft a fistful of gold edged securities.

“What are dey, boss?”

“Something a young ninny as bad as you picked up in the market. Gold mine bonds, that’s what... for the Gleeful Gopher Mine. Of all the jughead saps he takes the cake... next to you. Why, that mine stopped operating ten years ago and now he buys shares in it!”

“Gosh, boss,” piped up Will. “Wish I had those.”

A sly gleam crept into Wampus’ eyes, and he smiled like a wolf about to take a bite out of a lamb.

“Young man, I believe that it is about time that you learn the value of money. You live alone, I take it?”

“Yeah, I yamma orfink.”

“Hmmmmmm! Then, since you are a member of the organization in fairly good standing, I will make you a bargain. I will let you have these securities for the normal sum of one week’s salary!... Yes?”

“Yippeeee! I yam now a Wall Street man!” Willy whipped out a stub of a pencil and signed the salary release and statement of ownership that the boss shoved at him. The boss grinned widely. He loved to sell something to a sucker. No mater that the stocks were worthless. Willy thought that anything printed on bond paper in green ink with a fancy border had to be worth something, and for only one week’s salary, ten bucks!

That night everybody in the neighborhood had seen and inspected Willy’s stocks. His credit at the local beanery shot up so that he could order turkey sandwiches without getting the glower from the Greek proprietor. People looked at him now and were glad to say, “Hello.” Thusly Willy Wickerschnikle became a “big shot.”

Now, it was but a few days later when Oswald Perkins appeared in Fitzgerald Wampus’ office. The boss took one look at him and almost blew his top. “You! What do you mean walking here like the cat that ate the canary after buying these phony shares in a defunct mine!”

Perkins’ face dropped. “What do you mean, phony shares? Those things were worth their weight in gold. That mine ran out of gold, but someone discovered that there were more tin deposits there! Why, those shares give you the controlling interest in the place. You have forty-seven percent in the safe from the time you were stuck with them, and the ones I mailed you bring the total up to fifty one. You’re a rich man!”

“What! What’s this? Tin?” The boss’ eyes rolled in their sockets. He suddenly became a very sick man.

Perkins ran to his side.

“Boss, what’s the matter? Speak to me!”

Wampus looked up groggily.

“I sold ’em.”

Then Perkins almost passed out.

“I sold them to that nitwit office boy of ours... for ten dollars! Ohoooo!... Well, don’t stand there... do something!”

Perkins picked himself up mentally and dashed out. He nearly knocked poor Willy over as he made tracks out of the office.

“Why, Willy my boy. Here, let me help you with those packages!” Perkins took the load from Willy and staggered down the aisle. Immediately out ran Wampus.

“Ah, there you are, William. I have been looking for you. Why don’t you take the day off and go to the ball game? Here is a ticket... the best seat in the stadium!”

Willy scratched his head, wondering what in blue blazes was going on. First Perkins, then this. However, he was not one to think about such things. Let fortune favor him as it may. He snatched his cap from the hook and pranced out the door. Perkins and the boss went into a conference behind closed doors.

“Think we got him?” Perkins asked.

“Don’t know. Tomorrow we go to work on him. He’ll turn them over for a profit... not too large, of course. I’ll buy them back for fifteen dollars.”

SO Willy had his work done for him and sat in at a good ball game. He went home feeling like a million bucks. But no sooner did he get in the house then the landlady tiptoed out.

“Man to see you, Willy. He’s sitting in the parlor.”

“What is this?” Willy muttered as he opened the door. A very large, dignified gentleman sat there, and when he saw Willy he smiled benevolently.

“Ah, Mr. Wickerschnikle, I believe?” Willy said “yes.” The big man went on. “I am Mr. Styles of the Acme Brokerage. I understand that you own four percent of the shares in the Gleeful Gopher Mine. To get to the point, I am prepared to offer you one hundred dollars for them. What do you say?”

Willy tried desperately to say something, but his mouth just hung down on his chest. Finally he let out a “HUH?” and clammed up again.

Mr. Styles smiled even more. “I see you are a smart businessman, sir. I will raise the price to five hundred dollars. Think it over. At this time tomorrow I will be back and we will make a deal, yes?”

Not knowing whether he was coming or going, Willy nodded his head. Mr. Styles bid him goodnight and went out.

What dreams Willy had that night. He rode in a flashy car... ate caviar on Melba toast, and dressed like a king. Five hundred bucks... WOW! The alarm clock woke him up with a bang. He shook his head thinking what a wonderful dream it was... then realized that it was all true and bounced out of bed and into his clothes. He didn’t know if he should quit work or not. Dear Mr. Wampus... out of the goodness of his heart he had sold him a fortune in stocks! What a beautiful day! Whoopeee!

Fitzgerald Wampus and Perkins were the first ones at work that morning. The boss had bags under his eyes big enough to carry a truck. Poor Perkins looked like he had slept in his clothes. When Willy came in they exchanged glances and went out to meet him.

“Good morning, Willy, glad to see you in so bright and early. Step into the office a minute.”

Now whenever anyone was asked into the office, it meant he was about to get a raise or get fired, and Willy knew that he wasn’t due for a raise... or so he thought. Shaking like an ant with the heebie jeebies, he stepped in.

“Willy,” the boss began, “you remember those stocks I sold you? Well, by now I suppose you found out that they were worthless, so I’m going to buy them back... and at a profit for you! I will give you fifteen dollars for them!”

But Willy was no dope. Right away he knew that something was up. “Nix, boss, I can sell them for five hundred smackers. Styles of Acme wants ’em.”

“What! Perkins, does this mean...”

“I’m afraid so. Acme must have checked the ownership. They have forty-nine percent over there, and that will give them controlling interest.”

The boss was really shaking now. In fact he was sweating green.

“Now look, Willy. We’ve always been friends, haven’t we? I’ll not dicker. I will give you six hundred dollars.”

“Nope. Acme will give me more.”

The ante went up. So did Wampus’ blood pressure. He offered one thousand, then two, then three. Suddenly the phone rang.

“It’s for you, William,” the boss said. Willy answered it.

“Yeah? What d’ya want?”

Wampus and Perkins heard a raspy voice come out of the earphone, but all they got were the words “double” and “money”... Perkins looked at Wampus and said, “Gad, that must be Acme... sounds like they will double our offer to get those shares!”

“Five?” Willy said incredulously into the phone... “TEN? Golly!”

Wampus started to sweat. “Now they’re offering him the mint! What will I do?”

Perkins shook his head. “Better go the limit!” Wampus nodded in assent. Willy hung up the phone. Wampus started to speak immediately.

“I suppose that was Acme, William.”

Willie started to say something, but Wampus stopped him.

“Don’t say a word.” The boss and Perkins went into a huddle. For many minutes they buzzed and buzzed, then the boss took a deep breath, grunted a few times like a cow, and laid a heavy hand on Willy’s shoulder.

“My lad, I have come to the conclusion that you are too smart to try to outwit. Acme is a hole in the wall that will probably not pay you for months. So, if you sell to me, you will receive cash immediately. I now offer you the sum of twenty-five G’s, eh?...”

Willy hesitated for a moment. “Hmmmmm. Well, ummm... Okay, I’ll take it!”

Papers were rushed out. Wampus almost ripped the door off the safe opening it, a pen was shoved into Willy’s hand... and the deal was made. When it was all over the boss gritted his teeth. “Willy, you’ll be a success, some day!”

Willie tried hard to keep from grinning, but it didn’t work. As he went out he broke into a horse laugh.

“If they only knew,” he said to the empty desks. “If they only knew that the phone call was from my landlady upping my room rent on account of I’m a success, they would’ve shot me! Haw! Haw!”