Promises

CHAPTER 24

SOME rational part of my brain knew that I should be thrilled about the job. But the rest of my brain, which seemed to be the bigger part, felt nothing but anxiety. I couldn’t really put my finger on the source of that anxiety. Partly it was the shop and knowing that I would be putting Brian and Lizzy in a bad spot. Part of it was the knowledge that some parents wouldn’t like it. Part of it was my own memory of the things that had been said about Mr. Stevens by some of my fellow students back when I was in school. Was there more to it than that? I wasn’t sure. I only knew that the very thought of taking the job had me breaking out in a cold sweat.

Matt was overjoyed when I told him. He actually picked me up in a bear hug that had my ribs aching.

“That’s amazing! And you thought they wanted to chew you out. Are you going to call Lizzy?”

The thought of telling Lizzy was nauseating. “Not right now.”

“Can I call her?”

I couldn’t even look at him when I answered. “No.”

“Why not?” and the happiness in his voice had been replaced by confusion.

“Because, I don’t know yet if I’m going to take the job.”

“What?”

“Which part of that sentence confused you, Matt?” I had meant that as a joke, but it came out sounding snarkier than I intended.

“Fine.” And now he sounded hurt and angry.

“Let’s just make dinner, okay? We can talk about it later?”

I was still avoiding going out with him. He flinched a little every time I insisted on making dinner at home and his eyes got a little darker, but we never argued about it.

We did, however, argue again about his coworkers and my continued refusal to spend time with them. And that night over dinner, he dropped the Christmas bombshell on me.

“Jared, the department is hosting a Christmas party in a couple of weeks, and I really want you to come with me.” He didn’t expect me to agree. I could tell he was already braced for a fight. And with good reason.

I kept my eyes on my plate. “No way.”

“That’s it? ‘No way’? You won’t even consider it?” I could tell he was fighting to keep his voice even. He never yelled—I think he consciously chose to not act like his father— but his voice would get low and dangerous.

“I don’t need to consider it to know I’ll be miserable.”

“I’m going to be miserable too.”

I looked up at him and attempted to smile. “Exactly. So let’s stay home.”

“Jared, that’s not the answer. We have to be together. We have to make them face it. Eventually it won’t seem like such a big deal to them anymore.”

“Do you really think shoving it in their faces is the solution?”

“Nobody is ‘shoving’ anything in anyone’s face. You think I’m going to fuck you on the buffet table or something?” His voice was quiet and tight, like he was carefully controlling every consonant, every syllable a struggle. He was seriously pissed at me now. “I’m not an idiot. All I’m saying is they have to get used to seeing us together.”

“So I’m supposed to just stand there, pretending to have fun, while they point and laugh?”

“Maybe, yes.”

“No. Fucking. Way.”

That was the first night we went to bed still mad. I lay on my side of the bed, miserable, listening to him breathing on the other side. I knew he was still awake. I wanted so much to touch him, to bridge that gap. But there was nothing I could say that would fix it short of giving in, which I wasn’t prepared to do.

It went on for days. I knew in the back of my mind that this should have been a happy time for us. And at times it was. We watched football and we made love a lot. But most of the rest of our time seemed to be taken up by arguments over those two points of contention: my job offer and his fellow police officers. ’Round and ’round we went, and we didn’t seem to be getting anywhere.

It all came to a head one night at Lizzy’s house. She had invited us over for dinner. We argued for an hour before we got there about whether or not I should tell Lizzy and Brian about the job. Of course, he thought I should. But I didn’t want to cause trouble until I had made a decision.

We were snapping at each other from the minute we walked in the door. Everybody tried to pretend like they didn’t notice, but I knew they did. Dinner was quiet and awkward. We were just finishing up when Brian said, “Jared, we need to talk about the shop.” He looked nervous when he said it, and Lizzy was staring at her plate. Matt perked up but didn’t say anything.

“Sure. What’s up?”

“Now that Lizzy’s been home with the baby for a few weeks, she’s having second thoughts about coming back to work.”

“Oh.”

“I know it’s been tough for you without her. You’re working long hours. And Ringo can’t help much, except on the weekends.”

“It’s okay—”

“Tell them,” Matt said, quietly enough that only I heard him.

I ignored him. “I can handle it.”

“No, you can’t, Jared,” Mom said gently. “You can’t do it by yourself.”

“You’ll want days off and vacations,” Lizzy interjected.

“Ringo will graduate next spring—” I started to say.

“Tell them,” Matt said a little more forcefully. Lizzy’s eyes darted to him curiously, but nobody else seemed to notice.

“Jared,” Brian interrupted, “he’s not going to stay. You know that. He’ll be going off to college. We could hire another high school student to help out, but it still won’t solve the problem.”

“Then what do you suggest?” I asked him.

“Well, we can look at the possibility of letting Ringo go and hiring a full time employee.”

“We can’t afford that. Especially since a full-time employee would expect benefits.”

“Maybe it’s time to think about selling it.”

“No—”

“Tell them!” This time it was loud enough that they couldn’t ignore him.

“No!” I hissed at him.

“Tell us what, Jared?” Lizzy asked with a challenge in her blue eyes.

“It’s nothing!” I told her and then turned to him. “Not now!” I couldn’t believe how angry I suddenly was at him. We had been arguing about it for days, and the fact that he would try to force my hand pissed me off to no end.

But he was staring right back at me, and he looked just as mad. “It’s not ‘nothing’!” He kept his gaze level on mine and said, “Jared has been offered a full-time job teaching at the high school next semester.”

“What?” Brian said.

“That’s great!” Mom said.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Lizzy asked.

I barely heard any of them. “You incredible fucking bastard! I can’t believe you just did that!”

“Why not? I’ve been trying to get you to tell them for the last week—”

“What?” Lizzy sounded pissed now too.

“You knew I didn’t want to say anything.” My voice was getting louder.

His, on the other hand, was getting lower, his words clipped short as he got angrier. “And you don’t think that your job offer is relevant to this discussion?”

“You had no right!”

“I had no right? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

And now I really was yelling. “You had no right because it’s none of your goddamn business!”

Everybody froze. I saw in his steel-gray eyes all of the doors slamming shut in a way I hadn’t seen in months. His gaze turned icy, his face guarded and expressionless. “So that’s how it is. I can’t believe I didn’t realize sooner.”

He stood up and started to walk away.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I made an effort not to yell, tried to keep my voice level. Almost succeeded. Brian was looking terribly uncomfortable. Lizzy looked pissed as hell, and I had a feeling it was at me. I couldn’t tell what Mom was thinking.

“It means I should have realized what was going on. You’ve drawn a line, haven’t you? And I’m not supposed to cross it. And apparently that line is just outside the bedroom door!” Brian jumped up and grabbed whatever dishes were closest to him and took them into the kitchen. Mom and Lizzy didn’t move. Matt wasn’t done. “You talk a pretty good game, but the fact is, you’re still ashamed of who you are, and you’re ashamed to be with me!”

“I’m not!”

“You are! Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. You think I haven’t noticed that suddenly we can’t even go out to eat anymore? Sure, you’re fine with being gay, but only because you live your life in a fucking bubble! As soon as it comes down to actually facing people, you bury your head in the sand.”

“That’s not fair!”

“Fair? Do you have any idea what I put up with at work for you? Have you ever even thought about it? Do you think that’s ‘fair’? I ask you to make just a little bit of an effort for me, and you won’t even consider it. And you have the nerve to talk to me about ‘fair’? You said this was what you wanted, but now you’re the one who can’t face it!”

“Wait—” I was backpedaling now.

But he ignored me and kept talking. “And now this job! I’ve seen you with those kids. I know how much you love teaching them. But you’re going to pass up a chance to teach full time just so you can avoid having to deal with a few bigoted parents or a few asshole teenagers. You’re going to keep working at that shop for the rest of your life, just so you don’t have to face the rest of the world. You can tell yourself that it’s because you have to. That it’s because your family needs you to. But it’s bullshit, Jared! The real reason you won’t consider it is because you’re scared.”

“Are you done?” I asked icily.

“Yeah. I’m definitely done with this whole fucked-up situation.” He turned and walked out, and I heard the front door slam.

Lizzy jumped up and threw a roll at my head. Her aim was impeccable. “Asshole!” She ran after Matt.

Only Mom and I were left. I put my head in my hands on the table. I was shaking, terrified that his last statement meant he was leaving me for good. I wanted to chase after him, but then what? I couldn’t do what he wanted me to do, but I couldn’t bear to lose him either. I was still pissed, but I was also fighting hard to keep from bursting into tears.

Mom was quiet for a long time, but I knew she would say something eventually. If she didn’t have something to say, she would have left the table already. Finally, she took a deep breath and said, “Jared, let me say two things, and then I’ll never mention this ugly incident again.”

“Do I have a choice?”

“No, you don’t. The first is this: you can’t control what others think. The only thing you can control is yourself. Some people will look down on you for your choices in life, no matter what they are. You can’t do anything about that. The only thing you can do is decide how to live your own life. And to hell with everybody else.

“The second is this: I know being in a committed relationship is new for you. But trust me on this: you can’t just pick tiny pieces of yourself to share, and keep the rest to yourself. It doesn’t work that way. It’s all or nothing.

“Third—”

“You said there were only two things.”

“I lied. The third thing is simply this.” She put her hand on my shoulder, and that gentle touch made me lose my battle to keep the tears back. I let them come and was childishly relieved that only my mother was there to see it. Her voice was soft when she continued. “That boy loves you. Don’t be such a pigheaded fool that you can’t see it.”

She kissed me on the back of my head and left.

Lizzy gave me a ride home in stony silence. I had no idea what had passed between her and Matt after she followed him out of the dining room. I only knew that she came back hurt and angry and he didn’t come back at all. She parked in front of my house, but when I started to get out, she finally broke the silence.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

I rested my forehead against the cool glass of the window. I couldn’t look at her. “I don’t know.”

“I thought we were friends.”

“We are, Lizzy.”

“Really?” She sniffled a little, and when I looked over, there were tears on her face. I couldn’t remember ever feeling like such an ass.

“Yes, Lizzy.” I reached over and took her hand. “You know I love you. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I know that’s a ridiculously lame answer, but it’s true. I just didn’t want anybody to know. The thought of taking that job ties my stomach in knots, and I can’t really explain why. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m just scared.” Now that I had said it, I had to really examine it and I didn’t like what I saw.

She was quiet for a minute but finally said, “Jared, don’t worry about the shop. We’ll figure something out. Take the job.”

“I don’t know, Lizzy—”

“Take the job. And pull your head out your ass. You owe Matt an apology.”

It wasn’t until I got in the house that I realized Matt wasn’t there. I tried calling his apartment but hung up when his voice mail picked up. I debated driving over but decided that would just be asking for trouble. I was sure he was still angry. I was, too, but only a little. Mostly I was hurt and ashamed. I knew if I tried to talk to him now, he would still be in attack mode and I would be defensive, and in the end, we would probably only end up saying more things we didn’t mean.

The next morning I called again and got his voice mail. This time I left a message. “Matt, I’m sorry. Please come home.”

I kept remembering what it had been like after my birthday, leaving messages for him and never hearing back. I spent the whole day at work trying to convince myself that he wouldn’t do that to me again. I was hopelessly relieved when I got home and found him waiting for me. He was sitting on one of the stools at the breakfast bar. He looked scared but also determined. I was so glad to see him and started to go to him, but he held up his hand to stop me.

“Stay over there.” He wasn’t looking at me, but his voice was firm.

“Why?”

“I have something I need to say to you. If you’re here, where I can touch you….” He took a deep breath and then looked up at me. “I’ll lose my nerve.”

I was sure my heart had stopped beating. There was only one thing that could make him sound so cold and so final while looking so scared. I leaned against the door, tried to steady my breathing, and waited for him to tell me that he was leaving me forever—leaving me alone again. I felt my arms cross over my chest and hugged myself tight, hoping I could keep myself together and knowing it was futile. I was sure that I would fly into a thousand pieces and be lost forever if he left me.

He took another deep breath and started talking. “I don’t do things halfway. Once I make a decision, I generally don’t waste time second-guessing myself. And with the exception of one very bad decision I made a couple of months ago”—he blushed when he said this, and I knew he was talking about his decision to leave me and date Cherie—“it has always been for the best.” He stopped for a minute, but I knew he wasn’t finished, so I waited. “So when I made the decision to be with you, I just assumed that what you wanted and what I wanted were the same thing. But I realize now that I should have asked you.”

My mind was scrambling for purchase, trying to see where this was headed. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he wasn’t breaking up with me. I hardly dared to hope. “You knew what I wanted.” I barely managed to get the words out.

He shook his head. “I thought I did. I assumed I did. But I never asked. I assumed that this”—he indicated the two of us—“was going to be something serious. I basically moved in with you, and I never stopped to question if that was what you wanted.”

“It was, Matt.” I hated how desperate I sounded. “It is.”

“Are you sure, Jared?” I started to answer, but he held up his hand to stop me. “Don’t talk. Let me finish. This relationship isn’t easy for me. It’s going to take time for the guys at the department to get used to the idea of me being gay. I mean, I’m still getting used to the idea myself. I’ve spent the last few months denying that we were lovers, and now suddenly I’m not denying it, and they know that I’ve been living here, and I have to take a lot of shit for that. The truth is, Jared, I’m willing to deal with it, because of the way I feel about you. Because I’m not happy unless I’m with you. But I’m not sure I’m willing to deal with it if all you’re interested in is sex. I know that sounds like an ultimatum, and I don’t want it to, but I have to be honest. I want us to be together. But, like I said, I don’t do things halfway. So if we’re together, I need it to be for real. I need you to be sure.”

He stopped short like he wasn’t done but wasn’t sure what else to say. I felt like I was gasping for air, flooded with relief at what I was hearing. Once I had my balance, I looked back up at him. He was still sitting there, looking lost, looking like he needed to say more but didn’t know how. When it became evident he wasn’t going to say anything else, I asked, “Can I talk now?”

He almost smiled. “Yes.”

I went to him, put my arms around him, and kissed him, just barely. “Matt, this is what I want. I do want you here with me. It’s not just about sex. I’m crazy about you, and there’s nothing I want more than for us to be together.”

He looked relieved but still did not reach for me. “Jared, I don’t want to fight anymore. We need to decide now how we’re going to handle this.”

I took a deep breath. This was the part I wasn’t sure about. “Okay.”

“I know you’re embarrassed—”

“Not of you.”

He ignored my interruption. “And I understand, to a certain extent. But, I think you’re going about it wrong, trying to hide it. We can spend our lives holed up here in this house, trying to pretend like we’re not together, but in a town this small, people will still know. And they will talk. And it seems to me that acting like criminals will only give them more to gossip about. I’m not saying it’s easy for me either, Jared, but I don’t want to hide anymore. I will not spend the rest of my life being ashamed of my love for you.”

That was the first time he had ever used that word, and I was stunned into silence. Only a few minutes ago, I had been sure that he was leaving me, and now he was actually saying that he loved me.

“Jared, please say something.”

My voice was shaking as I asked, “You really love me?”

He put one hand in my hair and pulled me closer, smiling and shaking his head at me. “Do you really have to ask?”

Some knot in my chest that I hadn’t quite realized still existed loosened up and was gone. He loved me, and he really was happy with me, despite everything that it cost him with his coworkers. Was it really so much to ask for me to try to make it easier? I was causing all of these arguments, but why? Because I was too proud to face his coworkers? It occurred to me how proud I should be that he wanted me with him. I closed my eyes and concentrated on not allowing myself to cry in front of him, but I couldn’t stop my breath from shaking.

“What is it, Jared?” His voice was so gentle. “Talk to me.”

“You were right—I am scared. But….” I opened my eyes again and looked into his. “I don’t want to fight anymore either. I’ll do whatever you want me to do.”

He smiled again and then kissed me gently. “Will you go riding with me tomorrow?”

That simple request surprised me. “Of course.”

“Two of the guys from the station will be there.”

“Oh.”

“But you’ll go?”

This was it. I couldn’t turn back now. “If you want me to.”

“Will you go to the party with me on Saturday?”

My pulse raced, and I felt butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. “I will. I’ll hate it, but I’ll go if that’s what you want.”

“It is.” He tightened his arm around me and kissed me again, and then the hand in my hair pulled a little, like I knew it would, angling my head to the side so he could kiss my cheek, then my jaw, and then my neck. His voice was low and full of a promise that made my knees go weak as his lips brushed my ear. “Will you come in the bedroom with me?”

I laughed with relief. “God, yes. Happily.”

He led me to the bedroom and slowly, slowly, undressed me, kissing me everywhere. He took nothing for himself, gently turning away all of my efforts to please him, and used his hands and his mouth on me, teasing me into the most amazing orgasm I had experienced in a long time. And afterward, he kissed me gently, held me tight against him, and whispered in my ear, “I do love you, Jared. It frightens me sometimes how much I love you.”

I could not stop the tears this time and was relieved that it was dark in the bedroom, so he couldn’t see them. I put my arms around him. “Matt—”

He silenced me with a finger on my lips. “Shh.” He wrapped himself around me, chest to chest, legs tangled together, one hand moving through my hair. He kissed my forehead. “No more talking, Jared. Just let me hold you.”

Any doubts I might have had were gone. He loved me. Nothing else mattered.