Purrfect Cut

Chapter 17

The meeting turned into complete pandemonium. People were rocketing up out of their chairs, they were screaming, some were pulling at their hair, while others hammered the table with their fists, one even with his head.

“Silence!” suddenly a voice bellowed. It was hard to imagine, but it actually came from the old lady who looked a hundred, and who probably was a hundred, but who was as vivid and lively as any of her cronies.

“But this is an outrage!” Xavier was crying. “This will not stand!”

“Yes, how can a cat—a cat!—run this company!” someone else said, clearly speaking for all those present.

“I take offense, Max,” said Dooley. “A cat can just as easily run a company as any human, right?”

“I would think so,” I said. Though I had no personal experience running a company, I could well imagine that a cat, given the proper training, could run a company just as well as the next CEO. After all, a lot of Fortune 500 companies are run by jackals and hyenas, and some even by an ass.

“Pussy is quite capable of running this company,” said Leo’s mother, echoing our words exactly.

“I think I like this woman,” said Dooley.

“A woman after my own heart,” I agreed.

“At least she seems to appreciate that sometimes the smartest person in the room is a cat,” said Dooley.

“But you don’t even know what she thinks!” said Xavier, whose hair was now all mussed and whose glasses were bedewed with honest perspiration.

“I don’t claim to understand cats either,” said the old lady. “But fortunately I know someone who does. Come on in, Chris!” she yelled in that same hale and hearty voice of hers that resonated through the room—both the one in the basement and the one Dooley and I were currently holed up in.

Chris came in, and to my surprise it was the pet detective.

“Isn’t that…” said Dooley.

“Yeah, I think it is,” I said.

To remove the last vestige of doubt as to who he was, the Siamese cat that had been so rude to us walked right behind him, and immediately meowed, “What a bunch of losers, boss!”

“Yeah, I know,” said his boss.

Lucky for him no one understood what they were saying, which seemed to add to their enjoyment, for they both smiled. Yes, cats do smile, even though there is some discussion about that. Some scientists claim they don’t, while other, equally learned scholars claim that they do. Well, let me clear up this misunderstanding: we do smile, but since we have a very refined sense of humor, we rarely indulge in the habit, so you probably missed it that time.

“Gentlemen and ladies,” said Leo’s mother, “let me introduce you to Christopher Cross and his trusty sidekick Tank. Chris is a latter-day Dr. Dolittle, in the sense that he can talk to any pet, great or small, and can actually understand what those pets are talking about. He’s the original pet whisperer, and I’m very grateful that he’s accepted my invitation to play a senior role in the newly structured Leonidas Flake Company.”

There was more shouting, this time directed at the newcomer, but the old lady once again managed to drown out the hubbub with her stentorian voice.

“This is how it’s going to be from now on! Pussy will take on the role of company president, and her dictates will be carefully noted by Chris and Tank, then turned into instructions and executive orders, which will trickle down through the company. I will be on hand to keep an eye on the proceedings, as I have formed a close bond with Pussy myself, and will play a vital role in the new structure that will be put in place.”

“But what role will you assume?” asked an exasperated chairman.

The lady puffed out her chest. “I’m the new CEO. And together with my president I will make this company great again!”

“This is an outrage!” someone yelled.

“Well, you don’t have to feel that way anymore,” said the woman, after taking a puff from her oxygen mask. “You’re fired, effective immediately.”

A collective gasp of shock reverberated through the room.

“Anyone else want to lodge a formal complaint about the new management structure?” asked Mrs. Flake.

“I don’t want to sound critical…” the well-coiffed lady began.

“I have a feeling you will.”

“But aren’t you a little… old for the role, Mrs. Flake?”

“You’re only as old as you feel,” said Leo’s mother. “And I feel a sprightly fifty, so I have a lot of good years still left in the tank.” She patted the oxygen tank for good measure. “Anyone else? Comments, criticisms? No? Then court is adjourned and I’ll see you lot in Paris for our annual board meeting where we will formalize the new company structure and I hope to be able to convey to you some of the new plans I’m sure Pussy will be excited to come up with.”

“Oh, boy,” I said. “Pussy isn’t going to like this.”

“Why not?” said Dooley. “She’s president of the company now.”

“I’m not sure that’s what she wants, though.”

Pussy, who had an impeccable sense of timing, chose that moment to join us again. “Is the meeting over?”

“Yeah, it’s over,” I said, gesturing to the screen, where people were now shouting and screaming and all hell seemed to have broken loose.

“What’s going on?” asked Pussy with a frown. “Are they fighting?”

“Pretty much.”

“You’re in charge now, Pussy,” said Dooley, clapping his paws with glee. “From now on you are the president of the Leonidas Flake Company!”

“Come again?” said Pussy after a pause. “I’m what now?”

“You’re in charge,” I said. “Leo’s mother took over the meeting and announced that you’re the new president. It’s official.”

“But… I can’t run a company,” said Pussy, looking seriously distraught.

“I’m sure Mrs. Flake will help you with the finer points of running the business. She’ll be your CEO so she’ll be in charge of the day-to-day stuff.”

“But I don’t know the first thing about fashion!”

“You could have fooled me,” I said, indicating the crown and the pendant she was still rocking.

“Oh, that,” she said modestly. “Just something I threw on this morning. No, but seriously, what did they say?”

“Exactly that. They’ve appointed a pet whisperer, some guy named Christopher Cross, to be your official translator, along with his cat Tank.”

“Not a very nice cat,” said Dooley.

“Not a very nice cat,” I agreed. “But maybe he’ll grow on you as you take the reins.”

“So some guy is going to sit in my office and translate my decisions to the CEO, who will be Leo’s mother?”

“That seems to be the gist.”

“But… Leo didn’t even like his mother. In fact it’s safe to say he hated her.”

“He did? Odd.”

“Not so odd. The woman is crazy. Power hungry and mad. Leonora always felt Leo should have given her a bigger stake in the company, and when Leo refused, she went bananas. She tried to get him removed from his own company by bribing several board members to get him kicked out for mental health reasons, and when that didn’t work she joined forces with LMVH, a large luxury goods conglomerate, to organize a hostile takeover of the company, forcing Leo out. That didn’t work either, but it caused Leo a big headache for a while.”

“That must have been tough,” I said sympathetically.

“It was especially tough on Gabe. They never used to fight like they fought these last couple of months.”

“So is that what they fought about?”

“Gabe felt Leo worked too hard, and wanted him to slow down, and even thought that this takeover was a good thing. These LMVH people know their stuff, so the future of the Leonidas Flake brand was safe, and the takeover would make Leo a very rich man. But Leo felt that Gabe didn’t understand. He couldn’t lose control over his company. It was, after all, his life’s work. And so they fought a lot.”

“And then last night Gabe snapped and killed him.”

“Is that the official story?”

“Yeah, that seems to be the way it went down.”

“I’m sorry to say I wasn’t there,” she said softly. “When Leo was murdered I was holed up in my room. I never liked it when they fought, so I got out of there the moment the shouting began. If only I’d been there…”

“You can’t think like that,” said Dooley immediately.

She nodded. “It’s hard to imagine Gabe would do such a horrible thing. Those two loved each other so, so much. You should have seen them together. They were crazy about each other. Even now, after all these years.”

“Well, what happened, happened,” I said. “And now you’re the boss, and you can do whatever you want.”

“But I don’t want to be the boss,” said Pussy stubbornly. “I want Leo back, and Gabe, and the three of us on the couch watching Project Runway or RuPaul’s Drag Race.”

“We used to watch a lot of TV with Odelia, too,” I said wistfully. “Only now she’s too busy to bother.”

“Good times,” Dooley murmured.

“You’ll do great,” I told the gorgeous feline. “You’ll do Leo proud.”

In response, Pussy merely groaned. Obviously she wasn’t so sure.

We heard voices, and with a flick of the wrist Pussy flipped through several screens until she’d called up the one where the voices were coming from: we saw Leonora Flake, along with her nurse, Christopher Cross and Tank step into Pussy’s room.

“Uh-oh,” said Pussy. “I think they’re looking for me.”

“Well, better put in an appearance,” I said. “Or else they’ll organize a search party. You are, after all, the new company president.”

The three of us quickly moved through the hidden panel and into Leo’s bedroom, then via the corridor to Pussy’s very own domain, where we were greeted by a small welcoming committee.

“What’s all this?” asked Leonora Flake. “I thought my son only had one cat?”

“That’s Max and Dooley,” Chris Cross said. “They belong to Odelia Poole, a local nosy parker.”

“Oh, right,” said Leonora. “She was snooping around here this morning, wasn’t she? Assisting the cops.”

“She was, and she seems to have left her feline brood behind to keep an eye on things.”

“I told you to take a hike, didn’t I?” growled Tank.

“You’re not the boss of us,” said Dooley, quite sensibly, I thought.

“What are they saying?” asked Mrs. Flake.

“That we’re not the boss of them,” said Chris.

It surprised me greatly to meet another human who could understand what we said, but the surprise was short-lived, for Leonora laughed loudly and said, “Clever little pussies.” Then the smile disappeared. “Get rid of them, will you? We don’t need a bunch of annoying busybodies.”

Chris took one step in our direction, but Pussy said, “They’re staying put!”

Chris frowned at the cat. “You can’t be serious.”

“What’s going on?” asked Leonora, who was starting to resemble a cuckoo clock.

“Pussy wants those two to stick around.”

“Oh, for crying out loud,” she said. “Lock ‘em up, will you? And make sure they stay out of sight.”

“Will do,” said Chris curtly, and the small band of humans left the room.

The last one to leave was Tank, and when he turned to us it was with a cruel grin on his face. “Told you,” he said with a silky voice, then walked out.

“What’s happening, Max?” asked Dooley.

“I have a feeling we’re about to become like the man in the iron mask,” I said.

“Leonardo DiCaprio?” asked Dooley, excitedly. Dooley knows his movies.

“Who’s the man in the iron mask?” asked Pussy.

The door closed and a key was turned.

“Quick. Into the next room!” I said, and we sprinted for the door. Only to see it slammed shut in front of our faces, and locked from the outside.

“The man in the iron mask was a prisoner in the French Bastille—a famous former Paris prison,” I told Pussy as I caught my breath. “He was forced to wear a mask—hence the moniker—so no one would know who he was. Rumor had it that he was the king’s twin brother, and imprisoned in a dispute over the throne. In the movie version he was played by Leo DiCaprio.”

“Leo loved Leo,” said Pussy reverently. “And so do I.”

“I love Leo, too,” said Dooley. “Not your Leo, I mean, but-but-but…”

Pussy smiled. “I know what you mean, Dooley,” she said.

Dooley blinked and I frowned. I’d never seen him this flustered before.

“So what happened to the man in the iron mask?” asked Pussy.

“Oh, he died in prison,” I said.

“But he didn’t die in the movie!” said Dooley, eyes widening. “He lived happily ever after!”

“That’s Hollywood for you. Always going for the happy end.”

“I think I like the Hollywood version better, Max!”

“Me, too, Dooley,” I said. “But this isn’t a movie, is it?”

“Oh, cheer up, you guys,” said Pussy. “I’m the company president now, right? So they’re not going to lock me up and throw away the key. Right?”

I didn’t respond. Because I had a feeling that was exactly what they were going to do.