Raccoon Racketeer

Chapter Eight

We all watched in silence as Julie hightailed it out of there. I couldn’t really blame her for wanting to escape the disaster unfolding in my front yard. The poor thing had been framed for mail theft and property damage, had something special stolen right out of her vehicle, and then, to top it all off, she’d been chased after by an angry raccoon.

Unfortunately, what was a horror show for most people was just another day in my zany, critter-filled life—and this one wasn’t even close to over yet.

Pringle turned on me, fury filling his dark eyes. “Hey, lady. You’ve got some serious explaining to do.”

“Me?” I screeched. Finally, I could be as loud as I wanted without fearing discovery. “You’re the one who stole my flyers, Julie’s angel, and apparently half the neighborhood, too.”

Pringle clicked his tongue and stared down his nose at me. “Haven’t we moved past the flyers?”

“No, we have not moved past the flyers! Why do you keep taking everything that isn’t nailed down?” A sudden shocking thought occurred to me, sending a shiver straight through my body. “Are we going to have to start nailing everything down?”

Pringle flashed a devilish grin my way. “You can try, but I know how to use a hammer.”

My goodness! He knew how to read, how to use a hammer, how to break his way into a car. Was there anything this crazy creature couldn’t do?

“Stop messing with my life,” I said between clenched teeth.

He took a staggering step back. “Me? Mess with your life? I’ll have you know that I was here first, Missy.”

“Um, Angie dear?” Nan broke in at a good moment considering I had no idea how I was going to respond to his latest jab. “Do the two of you need some privacy?”

“No. Of course not,” I said, shaking my head with a huff.

“Actually, yes,” Pringle countered. “If we’re going to have it out, it’s best that there aren’t any witnesses.”

I gulped hard, blinking in disbelief. “Did you just threaten me?”

He shrugged nonchalantly. “Maybe I did. The question is what are you going to do about it?”

Paisley jumped into the fray, angrily kicking her feet up behind her in a move that resembled chicken scratch. “Nobody hurts my mommy!”

“Relax, half-pint. I’m not going to hurt her,” he told the dog. “Although I should, considering what she’s done to my beautiful home. It’s in ruins!”

“Give me a break. You literally live in a hole in the ground,” Octo-Cat mumbled.

Pringle sank back onto his haunches and shook his head. “That cut me deep, Octavius. Real deep.”

“Um, maybe you guys should go,” I told Nan, seeing as we were getting nowhere with all the intrusions to our conversation. Pringle and I needed to have this out without my cat mocking him or my dog threatening him, and I just needed to be done with this whole migraine-inducing ordeal. “Take Paisley and Octo-Cat, too.”

Charles squeezed my shoulder before reaching down to scoop up the agitated Chihuahua. “Let’s go, guys,” he said.

“This isn’t over!” Paisley shouted in her adorably squeaky and very non-scary voice. “It’s not even close to over!”

“Shh, baby girl. Shh,” Nan cooed.

And together the two humans and two animals marched back into the house, the animals less than enthusiastic about leaving me behind to deal with the raccoon drama on my own.

“Why are you stealing things?” I demanded with my arms crossed over my chest once Pringle and I were alone in the yard again.

“I’m not stealing.” He stopped to roll his eyes as if talking to the biggest moron on the planet—I most definitely did not appreciate that implication. “Look, it’s a simple case of manifest destiny. Right? I’m not stealing things. I’m claiming them in the name of Pringle.”

“How is that different?” Did he really just trot out one of the terms I’d learned in middle school U.S. History and then use it to justify his crimes? This was going to be a long night, and I could feel it getting even longer.

“Look, I’m no dummy. I’ve read your human history books. I know all about how this country was founded. Well done, I might add. Those guys decided they wanted more land, so they took it. I decided I wanted more treasures, so I took them. So what?”

“This is not the age of exploration,” I countered in disbelief. “And it’s not okay to take things without permission. It wasn’t really okay then, either, but hindsight and all that.”

“Well, sorrrrrry. I didn’t realize the rules changed depending on who they applied to.”

The worst part was how Pringle absolutely nailed his argument against humanity. Any argument I made would sound unintelligent by comparison, and I didn’t want to resort to being a bully.

Luckily, Pringle kept right on going. “If you’re going to be such a wet blanket about it, then take all your stupid human trash back. I didn’t find what I was looking for anyway.”

Well, this was new information.

“What were you looking for?” I asked breathlessly, more curious than annoyed now.

The raccoon lifted both hands into the darkening sky and shook them in a bang-on display of jazz hands. “Secrets,” he whispered dramatically.

That took me by surprise. “What do you mean secrets?”

“Exactly what I said. I like reading and watching TV as much as the next guy, but it’s all fake, made-up stuff. The drama is far more interesting when it’s real. Don’t you think?”

I swallowed hard, then sputtered, “Um, what do you mean?”

“I’m talking secrets, honey.” Pringle raised one eyebrow and shook his head. “Have you really forgotten already?”

I was almost afraid to ask the next question, but I couldn’t keep it in. “What secrets do you have under there?”

“Most of them are pretty tame. The MacIntyres are behind on their utility bills. A kid a few blocks over has an arraignment next week on shoplifting charges. Mild stuff. Well, most of the time, anyway.”

And just like that, all the remaining pieces clicked into place. “So, it was you taking the mail?”

“Of course it was me!” He threw both hands up in the air as if he couldn’t even deal with my slow human brain anymore.

But I still had more questions. “Why did you vandalize the mailboxes?”

He shrugged. “Seemed like a good idea at the time. Aren’t you going to ask about the big secret I have?”

I shivered. Yes, I was curious, but this had to end somewhere, and I worried that by taking too much of a visible interest, Pringle would assume his bad behavior was justified. “I don’t really like gossip, so no. Thank you, though.”

“That’s too bad,” the raccoon said, a sinister smile spreading from cheek to furry cheek. “If it were me, I’d want to know.”

“Know what?” I asked, hating myself for playing right into his sticky little hands.

He dropped to all fours and closed the distance between us. Placing one hand on my shoe, he stared up at me with wide, intelligent eyes. “Know that the one person I trusted the most in this world has been lying to me my whole life.”

No. No way. It couldn’t be.

Why was I even listening to this? Clearly, Pringle was just trying to stir up trouble, and yet…

“Nan?” I asked, my voice shaking.

Pringle nodded, a solemn expression overtaking his dark face. “Guess it’s not a secret anymore.”