Radiant Shadows

Chapter 23

Devlin slid the key into the door of the motel room with a gratitude that he felt almost embarrassed to admit. It wasn’t that Ani’s driving was bad. There is appeal in chaos. The car, however, had periodically slid the passenger seat so far forward that he was forced to sit with his legs folded into uncomfortable positions. When it wasn’t cramming him into too-tight spaces, it was dropping the seat back so that he was lying completely prone.

Ani, of course, smiled each time—which was probably the only reason the car needed to repeat it over the past several days’ drive at illegal speeds. Neither the Hound nor her steed understood the concept of avoiding attention.

“You speaking to me yet?” Ani’s tone was confrontational, as was her posture. She leaned against the wall next to the doorway. One hand clutched the strap of the bag slung over her shoulder, and the other hand rested on her hip. “Or are you still pretending you’re alone?”

He stared at the angry tilt of her chin. “What do you mean?”

“You haven’t said a word in at least eight hours.” She walked past him and dropped her bag on the bed.

“Eight hours?”

“Yeah.” She spun and glared at him. “Eight silent hours.”

“I was contemplating our situation.”

“Short version? It sucks.” Ani folded her arms.

“I…” He watched her with an affection he needed to quash. All of his High Court traits seemed to vanish in her presence.

And I like it.

She turned her back to him, unzipped her bag, and then added, “You are caught between Banan—”

“No.” He was beside her with a hand over her mouth before the next syllable could be spoken. “Don’t name her or the other one anymore. For safety. Do you understand?”

Ani nodded, and he lowered his hand from over her mouth.

“Why?” She resumed sorting through her bag as if nothing had transpired. Perhaps for a daughter of the Hounds, it wasn’t odd.

“Not only Hounds hear well. We were already found once. They will carry news to her, and there are others who want what she wants.”

“Which ‘she’?”

“Both have their followers. And I’d rather not kill anyone tonight. I could enjoy a fight but…” He glanced at the closed curtains and then back at her.

“Me too.” She smiled at him as if he was something amazing.

It was unnerving to have anyone look at him with such intensity. Devlin forced himself to lift his gaze to meet hers. “I’ll keep you as safe as I can.”

“And?”

“And nothing.” Devlin turned the lock on the door. It wouldn’t stop faeries, but it would keep any wandering mortals out. “If you go nearer my sister without doing her bidding, you’ll die by her hand. If you do that sister’s bidding, you’ll die by order of the other sister. I’ll be the one ordered to kill you… and for some reason I dislike the idea of your death.”

He kept his distance, staying close to the door, out of her reach.

And keeping her out of my reach.

She pulled a change of clothes and a hairbrush from her bag. “Wouldn’t it be more logical to just kill me and get it over with? You know they’re both going to be furious with you, and somehow I don’t think they’re the forgiving sort. You could go back to Faerie, go back to the way things were—”

“No. I don’t want that. I don’t want you hurt, and I don’t want to go back.” He paused and shook his head as soon he realized what he’d said. “I don’t want…”

“What?”

But Devlin couldn’t respond. He stared at her.

Silently, she walked into the bathroom and closed the door.

Could I go back? Could I hurt her? Why does she matter? Rae had answers; she’d pressured him so often to go see Ani that he was sure now that she knew something. He just didn’t know what it was—or why she kept the reason from him.

When Ani returned, she set her bag on the floor on the opposite side of the bed from where he sat, but didn’t speak. Instead, she stayed there and turned her back to him and contorted her body into several muscle-loosening positions. The shirt she wore lifted up, exposing her midriff.

Devlin stared at her bare skin.

She is not mine to keep.

He wanted to, though; for the first time in all of eternity, he looked on another faery and thought about relationships, futures, fighting alongside her. Hounds are not inclined toward relationships. He reminded himself of that truth, as if it was somehow more important than the fact that she would likely die because of one of his sisters.

She continued stretching for several more moments, and then came to stand in front of him—hands on her hips again—and asked, “Is this more contemplation or are you going to say something?”

The expression in her eyes was telling: she was frightened, tired, and hungry. Her response was that of most Dark Court fey when weakened—irrational attacks.

Devlin took her hands in his. “Time is different for me. If I am silent too long for your comfort, speak to me. I’ve never been in a place where regular conversation is required of me.”

“Well, that just…” She clearly wanted to say something hostile, and for a moment, she looked like she would, but instead she stared at his hands holding on to hers. Her shoulders relaxed a little.

And he realized that not only had he not spoken, he hadn’t touched even her hand. In four days, Ani hadn’t even had a brush of skin until she’d tapped his hand to send him to acquire their room.

He released her left hand and unfastened his shirt.

Ani didn’t move, didn’t look at his face, didn’t respond at all.

It’s not personal for her. It is merely a physical need. He stared at her, watching her reaction, wishing he could taste her emotions. It is not logical that I want this to mean something.

Still without speaking, he released his hold on her right hand and removed his shirt.

She lifted her gaze to his. “What are you doing?”

“You need nourishment.” He slid farther onto the bed. “I am here.”

Ani stayed where she was. She turned to watch him in a predatory way. In a very low voice, she asked, “What are you offering?”

“Skin contact.”

“Are you sure?” She took two steps forward so that the edge of the bed was against her. “I mean…”

He dropped his walls, so she could feel the things he would prefer she didn’t know. Craving. Fear. Doubt. Joy. Hope. Excitement. It was all there, emotion to feed her second appetite.

She knelt on the bed. “If you want me, why not—”

“You are not mine to keep, Ani.” He held out a hand. “If you were someone else… but you’re not.”

She removed her shirt and then took his hand. “I don’t get you, Dev.”

With a sigh of some emotion he didn’t know how to name, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him. Her hand was splayed out on his stomach, and her cheek rested on his shoulder. Tendrils of damp pink-tipped hair brushed against his chest.

Devlin remained immobile. The only indication that he was alive was the rise and fall of his chest. He concentrated on keeping it this way and on hiding his emotions again. Her nearness frightened him, and he couldn’t bear the idea of her knowing how afraid or how happy he suddenly was.

Ani, however, seemed oblivious. After an hour or more of being silently curled into his arms, she pressed a single kiss to his chest—directly over his heart. “You confuse me.”

“You require contact. It’s a logical thing to supply it.” He relaxed a little though, his body and mind refusing to follow the reasonable path. Just for a moment, he let his fingertips graze her skin.

She sighed and pressed closer. “If we were in Faerie, and I wasn’t me, but just a faery… what would you say?”

“About?”

“If I was in your arms like this.”

“You wouldn’t be.” He smiled at her curiosity. “This isn’t done.”

“Being near each other? Are you saying there’s no sex in Faerie?” She lifted her head to stare at his face. “For real?”

“Of course there’s sex, but this”—he gestured at the two of them—“is not sex. Sex is a very different thing than what we are doing.”

“What about after?”

“After sex one bathes and dresses.” Devlin repressed a sigh of pleasure as she snuggled back into his arms. He’d never simply held anyone, not for pleasure or need or emotion.

“Faerie sounds horrible.” Ani shuddered a little. Absently, she began to trace some sort of pattern on his stomach.

“No, not horrible, just out of balance,” Devlin admitted the truth he hadn’t ever spoken aloud. His frequent trips to the mortal world had made him increasingly aware that the beauty of Faerie was missing something. Without shadows, the brightness was insufficient. The Dark Court’s prolonged absence from Faerie had created a void. Faerie was out of balance and had been for centuries.

Is that why Sorcha acts so unwell? He felt guilt at the thought, but it seemed shameful that the Queen of Order kept sending him off to check on a newly made faery.

“Dev?” Ani lifted her head to look at him. “You’re doing that not-really-here thing again.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, and strangely, he was—not just for being aloof, but for the moments he’d missed over eternity by doing that very thing. Being reserved wasn’t something he enjoyed; being Sorcha’s creature wasn’t something he enjoyed. His pleasures were almost all found in the mortal world, where he could lower his self-control for a heartbeat here or there. What would Faerie be like if the Dark Court returned? The thought of it gave him an unfamiliar jolt. If the Dark Court returned home, there would be change in Faerie. And maybe… Ani. If not, if he couldn’t go to Faerie with her, maybe he could stay in the mortal world. Sorcha had remade Seth; she could make him her assassin. If not Seth, someone else. I could be free.

Devlin lifted one hand to caress Ani’s cheek. “I don’t want to be distant. I want to be near to you.”

She stilled, holding her breath for a moment.

He hadn’t had a plan beyond removing her from Bananach’s reach. “Until I know you’re safe, how am I to leave you?”

“Irial could keep me safe. He’s not bound to the court… Maybe he’d move, or I could hide. You don’t have to—”

“But I want to.” He traced the line of her jaw, pausing just under her lips.

“Want to what?”

“Everything.” He felt an unfamiliar nervousness.

“What are you offering?” she asked again, just as she had when he removed his shirt.

“Asking,” he corrected. “I’m asking to kiss you. May I?”

“Yes please,” she whispered.

It wasn’t the sort of consuming kiss they’d shared at the Crow’s Nest, not at first. For a brief few moments, it was the sort of kiss that he’d never had: exploring and careful, tasting and gentle. Then, Ani pressed against him like she was starving.

No logic. No negotiations.

She was stretched out beside him, and he rolled onto his hip so they were face-to-face.

No discussion.

He had no idea where they were going, but in that instant, he set aside all thought. As long as she was alive, she was his responsibility.

My reason.

Mine.

As she wrapped a leg over him, his emotions slipped free from the last restraint. Letting down the walls that kept his very un–High Court emotions repressed had become easy around Ani. He liked it. It felt natural.

It is. With Ani, it’s the way it should be. With Ani is the way I… An untried emotion filled him. It wasn’t appreciation or lust; it wasn’t worry or protectiveness. Those were all threaded into it, but it was something else.

He felt her pulse race faster as they kissed.

A wave of exhaustion washed over him then, and he couldn’t focus his thoughts.

Abruptly, she pulled back. “No.”

She scrambled backward off the bed.

“Ani?” He held out a hand. “Have I offended—”

“No.” Her eyes were shimmering with the vivid green of the Hunt. She was the Hunt, and she could consume him.

He felt a thrill of terror.

She held her hands out as if to warn him off. “I can’t if you… just… no… not with you. You’re not safe if… You don’t know what I am.”

She ran into the bathroom and slammed the door behind her.

Ani sat on the dingy floor and tried not to shiver. She reached up and locked the door. It wouldn’t matter: neither of them would be even slowed by the lock—or the door, for that matter.

I won’t hurt him.

She could hear him on the opposite of the door; she could feel his emotions. Guilt. Shame. Fear. Worry. If she didn’t explain, he’d think he’d done something wrong.

“I can do this; I can tell him,” she whispered. Then she raised her voice and said, “Go to the other side of the room. Please?”

She waited for a couple moments, listening to him walking away. In the still of the room, she could hear his heartbeat racing. Like prey. It didn’t make her self-control any easier.

Slowly, she opened the door and took two steps forward.

He stood on the opposite side of the tiny room. His dangerous emotions were walled up again. “Did I injure you?”

Without meaning to, Ani let out a laugh. “No.”

His face didn’t betray anything. “I would never force—”

“I know that.” She sat on the floor with her back to the edge of the door frame. “It’s not you… I…”

Devlin stayed standing. “You don’t need to explain.”

Neither his voice nor his posture revealed any of the emotions she’d felt so clearly when she sat with the door between them, but she knew what he’d felt. He knew that she was aware of every emotion that had flooded him. Part of her wanted to pretend ignorance, but she wasn’t selfish enough to let him believe he was at fault.

To most people, yes, but not you, Devlin.

She sighed and started the conversation she didn’t want to have. “How did you feel after I kissed you at the Crow’s Nest?”

“It had been a long—”

“Exhausted?” She paused long enough to see him nod, and then continued, “Dizzy? Weak?”

“I am the High Queen’s Bloody Hands. I am not weak.” He scowled at her. “I’d had much to do of late, but—”

She interrupted again. “I drain the energy from faeries… and mortals.”

Devlin watched her, but he’d locked down his emotions. She hated the fact that he’d done so, almost as much as she hated that he hadn’t done so when they were kissing.

She pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her folded legs. “If it’s emotion, but no touch, I do okay. If it’s touch, but no emotion, I do fine. Sometimes, though, when it’s both… I was drinking your energy that night, Devlin.”

For a long moment, he didn’t respond, and then he asked, “And tonight?”

Ani took a deep breath. “I could feel your emotions, so I stopped.”

“I see.” Devlin walked toward her. When he was directly in front of her, he knelt down on the carpet.

She lifted her gaze. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I do need to be well to keep you safe.” His voice was emotionless.

“That’s not why.” She closed her eyes. Having him so close was cruel.

His hand stroked her hair. “I am sorry I caused you upset.”

She opened her eyes to look at him. “I could kill you.”

“You could’ve just now,” Devlin whispered. “I don’t think I would’ve stopped you.”

She shivered. “I don’t want to hurt you,” she repeated. “I want… you.”

His emotions remained locked down as he ran his hand down her arm. “I talked to Irial.”

Few sentences could’ve startled her as much as that did. She stared at Devlin. “You…”

“He told me to be careful, but not why,” Devlin whispered. “I told him I wanted to take you away, to make you safe, and… he said only if it was your choice.”

“Oh.”

He leaned in and kissed her lightly, lips closed. “How deadly are you?”

“I could drain every faery I touch if they don’t know how to keep their emotions contained. I could funnel that energy to my court; I could feed them all.” Ani couldn’t hide her shudder. The idea of drinking down lives, of feeling bodies grow cold in her arms, was horrific. “Banan—she probably wants my blood for that reason. I’m not sure how, but if she could use it, she could feed on mortals, halflings, faeries…. Killing would be a way to feed the court. She likes killing.”

Devlin held her gaze. “I won’t let her use you.”

“Iri would use me too. He told me to kill you if I needed to.”

“And would you kill me, Ani?” Devlin held out his hand.

Ani slipped her hand into his, and he stood and pulled her to her feet and into his arms. “I don’t want to.”

“But if your kings ordered it?” he prompted.

“Disobeying my king… or Iri would mean leaving my court.” She stepped out of his reach. “But I’d rather not kill you.”

“And I you.” He kissed her forehead, and then he walked over to the bed.

She stood motionless.

“Come. I will keep my emotions hidden away so I can be next to you.” He folded the covers back.

Tears threatened. “Are you sure?”

“Never more in my life.” He held out a hand again. “Rest now, Ani. Even potential murderesses need their sleep.”