Ripple

Chapter Fifteen

At school the next day, I feel apprehensive. Everything is changing so fast. My nightly swims at the lake are the only constant. As I step through the double doors, I don’t know what to expect. Three steps in, someone shoulder checks me, just a light bump, enough to startle me. Before I can glare at whoever it is, someone else glances my way—a dark-haired guy Sienna is friends with. His eyes dart down the hall, as if he doesn’t want to acknowledge me. But, instead of knocking into me as he did last week, he steps away. A tingling starts at the base of my spine, rippling upward. What was with that look?

I narrow my eyes and look around. Kristi Eckly, a girl who used to take pleasure in shunning me as a show of loyalty to Sienna, smiles slightly before rushing away.

Is it possible to feel your heart beat in your stomach? Because that’s how it feels right now. As if my heart is actually pulsating in my stomach, reverberating through my limbs.

But I swam last night, so I shouldn’t be nauseous. No, it’s not nausea, it’s nervousness. Something isn’t right here.

I see Nikki up ahead, and I nearly do my usual—veer out a side door. But then she nods her head at me, as if she’s totally okay with my being there. I almost stumble to a stop, but somehow I manage to keep my feet shuffling along the ugly brown carpet.

I blink, several times, waiting to see if a whole new picture swims into focus. A normal one, with people glaring at me or avoiding me altogether, but blinking doesn’t change things.

It’s as if I’m . . . normal again. As if I’m one of my old clique, and they’re okay with me. As if they don’t all hate me.

I’m torn between grinning like an idiot and hiding in the bathroom. Because I want to just ... slip it all back on like a perfect pair of jeans and go right back to the way it once was, back when I was happy. Back when I knew what it felt like to laugh so hard my sides hurt. It would be so easy to smile at the people who are looking at me right now.

But the other half of me knows I can’t possibly have all that back, that I can’t step one foot on a path that could lead to more death. Sienna is one thing, but the whole group? They’ll invite me to parties. Ask me to hang out with them during football games. I’m scared of that. Of how much I want it.

They’ll have expectations. And questions.

I shove my hands into my fleece jacket as I see Sienna approach. She’s smiling at me, a wide natural smile. She saunters over in kneehigh black-leather boots with a khaki skirt and maroon turtleneck, looking every inch the A-lister she is. “Hey.”

I nod. “Hey.”

I still haven’t figured out how to treat her, if I should act like the two years of insults and anger never existed. I’m starting to remember how it feels to have her around again.

She makes a better ally than enemy.

“Did you tell people? . . .” My voice trails off because I don’t know what I planned to say next. Tell people what? That she and I hung out for almost two hours without scratching each other’s eyes out? That the whole reason I’ve been such a bitch was because I was secretly in love with her brother? That I mourned him every day, so when he died I went off the deep end?

She chews on the inside of her cheek. “I just told them . . . that we’re . . . talking. And that maybe I needed a little bit of time to figure out what I think of everything.”

I nod, not because I understand what the situation is, but because there’s nothing else I can do. I have no idea what she’s supposed to tell people or what I’m supposed to think. It’s not like they cover this in some kind of class.

Too bad they don’t have siren school. I’m sure if they did, Killing Your Best Friend’s Brother 101 would be required.

“Oh. Uh, thanks,” I say.

She smiles. “Sure. Are we still doing movie night tonight?”

I blink. My face must betray me because she leans against the lockers next to us, lowering her voice. “I know this is weird.... It’s just . . .” She leans in closer. “It’s just . . . I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about all this. I’m so angry at you sometimes, and then I think about what I’ve done to you for the last two years, and I think maybe you’ve paid enough. I don’t know what I really want. But if you want to figure it out with me . . .”

I nod, clenching my jaw. I want to smile, cry, throw my arms around her, everything all at once. I force myself to remain neutral, pretend to be unaffected by Sienna’s offer.

“For, like, two seconds yesterday, it felt like it used to. Before he died. Is it stupid to want that? To forget about losing my brother for once in my life? Maybe we can’t be friends like before, but I feel like we should at least ... see.”

I swallow the lump in my throat, nearly choke on it. I want to tell her it’s not stupid to wish we could pretend like it was two years ago. Because I want the same thing. More than anything in the world.

Maybe . . . maybe it’s not impossible to have it. It could be different this time. I know what I am, what I’m capable of, now. I’ll just have to be more careful. I’ll make sure no one finds out what I am. Or gets hurt because of it.

I’m tired of being alone.

“So . . . movies?” She straightens, acting like the admission of weakness, of normal human confusion, never occurred.

“Yes,” I say. “That’d be great.”

“Awesome. I’ll come over around six,” she says, flipping a strand of her hair over her shoulder. She starts to turn, but I reach out a hand to stop her.

“Thank you,” I say. “For . . . you know.”

Her eyes soften again. She looks as if she wants to speak, but her lips stay pursed and she just nods.

I watch her walk away before I turn to my locker. I don’t know if that was the right choice. As hopeful as I’m trying to be, fear still gnaws.

I’m standing in line in the cafeteria, tapping my lunch card on the counter, when I feel a hand on my back. “Hey,” Cole says.

I turn and look at him, butterflies taking flight. “Hi.” I look back down at my card, feel a blush creep into my cheeks.

“I saved you a seat.”

I jerk back and look over at Sienna’s table, where two empty seats await.

“Oh, I don’t—”

“It’s cool. I promise. Just come eat with us, for old time’s sake.”

I swallow, glancing back at the table again. I don’t know if I can take this big of a step. I wanted to ease back into things, figure them out as I went along.

I hold my tray out for the lunch lady, who puts a slice of pizza on it.

Cole rests a hand on my shoulder. “Come on. I won’t take no for an answer.”

And then he’s smiling that gorgeous smile of his, and I find myself nodding, paying for my meal, following him across the cafeteria. He takes the seat nearest Patrick, Sienna’s boyfriend, and I take the one on the end. With the group . . . but not part of it.

For a long moment, no one speaks. I take a giant bite of pizza, wishing a big hole would come and swallow me up.

“So how’s your grandma?” Kristi asks, staring at me from across the table.

“Good,” I say.

“I haven’t seen her in forever.”

Over two years, I think. “She’s really into embroidery. If anyone wants a custom pillowcase . . .”

Nikki and Kristi giggle, and all of the sudden, I find myself smiling back at them. “Seriously. I’ve been hiding at least six sets in my closet because I can’t possibly use them all, but she likes making more. Still, I feel bad when she opens the linen closet and it practically explodes all over her.”

“She’s so cute. I can totally picture her in that recliner of hers, surrounded by like a million pillowcases,” Kristi says.

“You should come over sometime,” I say, before I can stop myself. “She’d love to see you again. And you know, I’m sure you’ll receive a lovely custom-made parting gift.”

She laughs again. “Yeah, totally.”

I want to hate the optimism building inside me, but I can’t bring myself to.

I want my friends back.