Ripple

Chapter Twenty-One

I spend the next few days wondering if I should corner Erik and force him to back off on the party—on my life, really—but I can’t bring myself to do it. It doesn’t seem right to make him stay home alone. Not when I’ve spent two years doing exactly that. He wants to be normal as much as I do, and it seems unfair to take that away, especially since he spent all that time looking for me.

And that’s how I find myself driving up Sienna’s driveway, nerves raging in my stomach. Her parents are out of town. Again. I wonder how often they’re around these days.

Cole offered to pick me up, but I mumbled some crap about a curfew and my grandmother. I can’t stay for too long—it’s almost time for my nightly swim—and I couldn’t risk him asking me to stay.

Despite all the lies I’ve heaped on, I’m feeling . . . hopeful. Wistful. I haven’t gone to a party like this in two years, and I decided to make the best of it. I even pulled out my best jeans and a cute flowery top, something that actually fits me. I feel pretty. For once, my hair isn’t in a ponytail. Instead, I’m wearing it in natural spirals.

I don’t want to hide tonight.

In fact, I don’t want to hide at all anymore. I’m scared as hell, but I can’t go on like I did before.

And so here I am, ready to see if I can really have it all back.

Sienna clearly downplayed this little shindig, because her driveway is lined with cars. Cole’s, Patrick’s, Nikki’s, and about a dozen more I vaguely recognize from the school parking lot.

The door is half open, despite the fact that it’s barely fifty degrees out. A bass beat floats toward me, vibrating the ground beneath my worn-out sneakers.

Déjà vu hits. I feel that night again, the one when everything went wrong.

But I ignore the memories dancing in the back of my mind and walk inside. The sound of clacking pool balls pulls me in to the game room to my right. Sure enough, Erik is there, leaning across the table as he lines up a shot. His platinum wavy hair slides across his forehead.

He’s wearing a button-down left loose at the collar, but it does nothing to hide his sculpted body. No girl in the room seems to be immune to him. I want to walk over and hand Nikki a napkin to wipe the drool off her chin.

Behind them, Cole is perched on a stool, a stick resting on his lap.

Erik jerks the pool cue forward. It hits the cue ball, and there’s a loud crack as it smashes into the other balls.

Three balls drop into the pockets in rapid succession.

Cole subtly shakes his head. He’s clearly losing. Chewing his lip, he looks away from the table. And that’s when he spots me. His eyes light up. He passes the stick off to Nikki without looking at her as he makes his way toward me. She scowls, but I don’t care. It’s impossible not to smile at him.

“Hey,” Cole says, giving me a quick hug. He smells amazing, like hickory and cedar. I take in a deep, relaxing breath as he pulls me closer, nestling against him as he wraps an arm around me. “You look stunning,” he says.

Erik’s eyes flicker when he catches sight of us, but he doesn’t say anything until he’s done sinking the eight ball. Guilt sears through me. It’s probably not fair to hang all over Cole in front of him. He doesn’t let on that he’s bothered though. If anything, he seizes the challenge. “You’re just in time to play me,” he says.

“No thanks,” I say. I don’t feel entirely comfortable being around both of them at the same time. Not after lunch. “I think I’ll show Cole the house.”

I realize belatedly that my excuse is a lame one. Cole has been here more than I have for the last two years. Kristi and Nikki exchange a look, but Erik doesn’t pick up on it.

I drag Cole out of the den. We make our way across the tiled halls and I relish the warmth of Cole’s hand under mine. How did I ever live without touching him?

Somehow, we make it to the stairs. I find myself going up the same path I took with Steven two years ago—only this time, I’m pulling him. I find myself bringing him to the same den, to the same deck, until we’re standing out there, staring at the not-so-distant ocean. It gleams under the almost-setting sun.

I don’t know why I brought him out here. After all my fuss and homework excuses, all my efforts to avoid our spending a date at the beach, here I am, standing on the deck, staring at the ocean as the sun begins to set.

The last time I was here, I didn’t know what I was. What I was doing.

Tonight is different. Tonight I know what a dangerous game I’m playing. But, I have to see, once and for all, how strong the ocean’s pull is.

No matter what happens, how my test resolves itself, I won’t bring him to the ocean. I won’t swim in front of him.

Worst comes to worst, Erik will come to my rescue. He’ll stop me from walking out of the house with Cole in hand. He won’t let me repeat my mistakes.

Cole sits down in the exact same seat that Steven chose. The entire thing replays in my head, one giant loop, over and over. But that’s okay. This is my chance to re-create what happened, to choose a new ending.

I move to the railing and stare out at the ocean. When I don’t sit down, Cole joins me along the deck railing. He’s wearing a warmlooking zippered sweater. Somehow, he steps up behind me and, with his hands in his sweater pockets, envelops me, protecting me from the gentle fall breeze. He leans in, nestling his face against my neck.

Something in me unwinds. Having him this close just feels right, as right as swimming. In that moment, it seems impossible that Erik could be my match; it’s Cole who feels like he was made to fit into my world.

“You okay?” he asks. Again.

“Better than ever,” I say, so quietly I’d think he couldn’t hear. But he must because he leans even closer, so close that his body pushes up against me. There’s no longer space between me and the railing. My backside, my legs, feel warm from his touch.

I take another deep breath, wishing there was a way to slow down the clock, wishing I could stand out here forever, in the last place I ever saw Steven’s smile.

I should feel guilty, should feel eaten alive, but I can’t muster the emotion whenever I’m around Cole. When he’s next to me, it’s like the whole terrible Steven thing never happened and I can just ... be.

“Really?” he asks, returning to his age-old question.

“Yeah, I think so.”

He rests his cheek against the curve of my neck. “Anything you want to talk about?”

I shake my head. “Nope. I just want to stand here all night.”

The sun hasn’t set yet, but it’s about to. I twist around, so that my back is to the ocean and, with it, everything that has haunted me for so long. Cole wraps his arms around my lower back and pulls me in, so we’re hip to hip, shoulder to shoulder. I reach up, interlacing my fingers behind his head, at the base of his neck, pulling him in.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about Erik. I don’t know what makes sense anymore, what I want. I kiss Cole stronger, deeper, and he responds in kind, wrapping his arms around my back. He pushes against me, until I’m pressed into the railing with the weight of both of us. I’ve never felt so hungry, so alive, so desperate to find whatever it is that I’ve been afraid to look for.

Again, it’s Cole who pulls away, steps back just enough that I’d have to move my feet to kiss him again. He shudders the tiniest bit before taking a deep breath and looking at me, desire swirling in his eyes even as he tries to rein it in.

Eventually my heartbeat steadies, and I stop gasping, find myself again, and look away from him, blinking hard to bring the cedar decking back into focus.

“I—” I don’t know what I was going to say. But as I stand there, searching for the words, something changes. I blink several times, trying to figure out what it is. It’s like I was doused with cold water.

I turn around, and that’s when I realize: The sun sank on the horizon. There’s no sliver of light left, just bright orange clouds, streaked with purple. Something familiar wrenches through me, and I abruptly take a large step away from Cole.

The distance is equally devastating.

“I have to go,” I say, refusing to get close to him again.

Cole doesn’t meet my eyes. He just stares at the ocean, darkly intense. For one long, lingering moment, it’s like I could tell him everything. I want to trust him with every secret; he’s the only who’s never judged me.

But he would, if he knew the truth. That soft, sweet look he gives me would never surface again if he knew what really happened to Steven.

My own dad disappeared once he knew. Why wouldn’t Cole do the same?

He swallows slowly, the faint curve of his Adam’s apple bobbing. “I wish you would let me in. I just want to know you.” He steps forward, tips my chin up. “I want you to let the wall down. Just for me.”

I look down, try to hide the sadness swelling inside me. But he tips my chin a little further, so that I can’t evade his look.

“You can trust me,” he says.

“I know,” I whisper, sadness and fear coursing through me. I’m going to lose him before I really had him. I know that now. Being with him clearly isn’t enough to stop the pull of the ocean. And I can never tell him the truth, which means this will never last. For the first time, I begin to wonder if Erik has a point.

“I really like you. You know that, right?” he says.

I force myself to meet his gaze, but it only lasts a moment before I tear my eyes away, because I can’t take what I see in his look. I’ve hurt him. It’s already starting.

I stumble away from him, what’s left of my heart solidifying like a block of ice in my chest. It sinks into my stomach, then my knees, more like a rock than a heart. I never should have done this. Let him in. Led him to believe we’d become something. It was cruel. Stupid. Dangerous.

I can’t lie to him forever.

I make my way back to the door. The very door where I stood that night with Steven when I asked him to go swimming. Maybe this is my punishment for that moment. “I’m sorry,” I say, though I’m not sure it’s loud enough for him to hear. “I know I’m confusing you. I’m . . . God, I don’t know. But I’m sorry.”

Then I twist around and rush through the door and stumble down the steps, the same steps I took that night I held Steven’s hand in mine.

But tonight there’s a difference.

Tonight, I know what could happen, and I know why I’m leaving.

I’m leaving to save him.