Schultz

14

“Your Lordship this has been the most blissful fucking time I have ever had in my entire life.”

Sitting following tea on a rear stone porch above the shimmering moat. Orange backs of goldfish peeking above the water. Tiers of formal gardens stepping down to pasture stretching in a long valley vista of deerpark. The sun faint pink descending the misty heavens. Balmy breeze, buds bursting forth on shrubberies. Great shiny black winged ravens croaking their cries as they slid and tumbled over the treetops.

“Ah Schultz I see your palate continues to appetize over the grapy green gleam in this wine.”

“Shit, I’ll say it does.”

Batters discreetly coughing as he shuffled out to place another bottle of Moselle in the ice bucket. Touching away the drops with his linen napkin as he replenished glasses.

“Batters, next let us have a trockenbeerenauslese for Mr. Schultz. I think this dying afternoon invites discovery of further, better and perhaps sweeter particulars of the riesling vine.”

“Very good my Lord.”

“Holy shit your Lordship you’re going to get me god damn drunk.”

“Ah Schultz, it can’t but do your hysteria a world of good.”

“Jesus, who’s hysterical. I’m floating on a fucking cloud.”

“You’ll be floating on a fucking bed of watercress in the moat Schultz if you lean back any further on your chair there.”

“Holy shit, you’re right.”

That morning Schultz lay abed. The country champagne fresh air flowing in his window. Breakfast brought tiptoe by the young footman across the red silk persian carpet and placed on a bed table over his lap. On the tray in a milk glass vase, a black fragrant rose. As they sat in the music room the previous evening Batters whisperingly taking his preference.

“What do you suggest I should have Batters.”

“Large or small breakfast sir.”

“Large. With coffee.”

“Then may I suggest half a grapefruit, followed by all bran cereal specially milled for his Lordship. With perhaps a sliced banana. Poached eggs. From our farmyard hens. Sausages. I recommend them. Made from his Lordship’s own peach fattened pigs. And do try some of our heather honey from his Lordship’s bees on our own toasted wholemeal bread. Our Ayrshire butter and cream is also a real treat sir. And I suggest, to finish sir, fresh figs.”

“Hey hold it. What does his Lordship have for breakfast.”

“One cup of very black very hot coffee and two cigarettes sir.”

“Jesus when you got everything there is to eat. That’s what he has.”

“Yes sir. Mid morning sir, his Lordship may occasionally have a banana. And we do try to keep a constant supply of his Lordship’s perfectly ripe bananas.”

Breakfast brimming before him, Schultz watched this suddenly blue liveried servant light the log fire and depart beyond the green door. And sighing Schultz closing his eyes on this dream.

“Holy shit, I could, if I had the fucking sense, end my life right here and now, right after I’ve had breakfast, a good crap, a nice hot bath and threw a spine electrifying fuck into this Roxana wherever she is. Hey Roxana, you’re all I need where the fuck are you.”

“I’m here, sir.”

“Holy shit, you are. Gee honey you gave me a scare. I’m sorry for my language and what I was saying.”

“O that’s alright sir, upon occasion his Lordship when exasperated does use similar language.”

“He does, no kidding.”

“Yes sir.”

“Hey how did you get in my bathroom.”

“There is a secret servants’ entrance sir. I was tidying sir.”

“Jesus, so that’s what happens. I wondered. I dropped a towel and came back in ten minutes there was a new one.”

“Yes sir.”

“O god.”

“Is there something wrong sir.”

“No.”

“But sir, are you crying.”

“That’s right. For joy. Now get out of here honey before I start chasing you around the room.”

“O you wouldn’t do that sir you’re a gentleman.”

“I might be for a couple of more minutes but not after I’ve had this breakfast.”

In a stout motor with twelve forward and ten reverse gears, Schultz accompanied his Lordship around his domain. Up hillsides, down vales, rumbling across cattle grates, tearing across fields. Until his Lordship got marvellously stuck in a boggy patch and had a wonderful time shifting through the many gears and sending up spumes of spattering mud high into the sky as Schultz screamed.

“Hey shit your Lordship stop don’t do that you’re ruining the nice grass.”

Later by a pasture Schultz sat awed watching a calf being born. Its mother grunting and with a long groan squeezing her progeny plopping out steaming on the grass. The pink nosed little animal licked clean by its mother’s tongue and finally struggling to its feet nudging to find its mother’s teat.

“Holy shit look at the fucking thing. Dumped right out on its head. And here it is in two minutes walking and sucking a tit imagine that. When it takes us two years to learn to stand up.”

“Schultz I can see you have an enthusiasm for the country life. And unlike me you are made very calm by it.”

“Calm, Jesus I’m excited out of my fucking mind by the magic wonder of it all. What the hell are you wasting time fooling around with showbizz in London when you could be here all the time enjoying this.”

Schultz wide eyed toured the great walled gardens. With its cherry, apple, plum, pear and damson trees. The vast exotic conservatories and glasshouses. Sultry and full of vines, flowers and plants. Then walking through forests up hillsides where his Lordship had brief nervous words with his various foremen and nodded and smiled to the salutes from his endless staff.

“Holy christ your Lordship, I mean this place is a fucking major production. Not only could you be feeding armies but you must be making money.”

“Ah Schultz alas it is lack of that latter item you mention which makes what you see here slowly but surely creak towards a financial abyss. One merely waits for it all to tumble over the precipice into total ruination.”

“Let me tell you, boy if I had this set up I’d keep it going and I’d never go out my fucking front gate for the rest of my life.”

“But indeed Schultz for the rest of your life, you might instead then go out of your fucking mind.”

Binky had with two head shots killed two stags. And following an afternoon nap now appeared in the doorway facing the stone porch terrace. Smilingly resplendent in tweed jacket, cream cricket shirt, pink dotted mauve cravat, chamois gold buttoned waistcoat and bright green socks peeking between his grey flannel cuff and suede shoes.

“Jesus christ Binky that’s the only fucking word for you. Urbane. It really is.”

“Schultz you flatter me. And by the sentimental gleam in your eye I can tell that his Amazing Grace has recently told you some heart warming sentimental story about me. As I beseat myself, pull up my socks and pull my finger out. And appropriately here the two of you are. A contented picture. His Royal Grace’s acres stretching endlessly beyond to the horizon. Indeed Schultz, one might even think you more than just ordinarily handsome in such a setting. Even a man of some spiritual accomplishment. In the nature of which only a few selected Church of England neutered Archbishops may boast.”

“Binky I swear I’m completely dazed.”

“You Schultz, dazed. Rubbish. I don’t believe it.”

“At this exact moment I’m not even thinking of where my next piece of ass is coming from.”

“Ah Schultz, then you are benumbed and one must assume you are heartily enjoying our nearly last interlude of bachelor peace. Which I think his Amazing Grace especially needs. Did you know Schultz that up until the moment our dear host’s engagement was announced, that he was being annoyed, telephoned, besieged, invited, fawned over, and chased. By both mothers and their blushing daughters.”

“Binky you forget I always try to read his Lordship’s personal mail.”

“Ah of course you do Schultz. One forgets. Well then you know they pursue with an ardor which can only be described as manic. Thank god he has chosen a wife and removed himself from the hurly burly of the marriage market. Ending such nuisance pest and bother. Both of us will alas now take up serious family responsibilities. Till old age makes one’s weapon finally wither away. But in that context do allow me to refresh one’s carnal hopes a moment. My randy old grand uncle. Retired to a villa in the south of France. One four a.m. shouted out to the whole of his household to come quickly. To witness the old sport stark naked in the middle of his bedroom floor. Pointing with pride and delight at the age of ninety one to his erection trembling with a most remarkable rigidity.”

“Ah Binky you do encourage one to go on taking the steps in life. My god, join Schultz and I in getting tight on this most bowel stirring of Moselles.”

“Hey listen you guys. With all the debutantes after you what the hell are you always looking in the casting books for. From where I sit a Lord on the loose, is to women what catnip is to the cat.”

“Ah Schultz, good observation but I think I speak also for his Royal Grace when I say that it is most deflating that still you do not regard his Royal Grace and I as serious theatrical producers.”

“How could you be for Christ’s sake the way you live like this. Even when I’m up on top of some dame screwing the pubic hairs off her I’m all the time thinking of how much sets are going to cost or whether the costumes will be ready in time.”

“Or Schultz, how you can get everybody to take a cut in salary.”

“That’s right too, Binky.”

“But Schultz such girls as those gently invited to frequent our humble offices are an entirely different sort from those young ladies one brings home to introduce to one’s long admired mommie or to one’s nice dear old nanny. This is Schultz our last week on earth as single men.”

Twilight descending over the great hollow silence. A castle bell high in the battlements tolling the hour. A breeze flapping the edge of linen table cloth. Rain beginning to fall slantingly across the parkland. Deer with their nervous little steps, lifting and lowering their heads, grazing slowly from the edge of huge shadowy trees, and moving down the hillside. The distant western sky faintly streaked pink. His Lordship’s wicker chair squeaking as he leaned back to Stretch his corduroy trousered legs. One sock wool and blue, the other silk and black. His long tapering fingers cutting paths in the condensation on the side of his wine glass. His cold blue smiling eyes sparkling and a breeze lifting back a blond lock of hair from his brow.

“Holy shit, I don’t want to scare you guys but looking at the two of you, such specimens of beauty. For the third time in my life I realise that given the setting, the encouragement, and the banishment of women from the world, I could become a raving homosexual.”

“Well dear me Schultz, how nice of you to interject this most piquant emotional departure. I was only this very second teasing myself with a rather risqué little fantasy of a game I plan to play with my soon to be wife. Perhaps we might make it a threesome.”

“Shit. Sure. Why not.”

“And of course Schultz, let me further hasten to add, that although his Royal Grace may not be, I distinctly am most excited by your totally unexpected observation. Now if you were a wee bit more, shall we say, willowy. Who knows. What do you think Basil my dear, shall I for a start, begin by calling you Dorothy. For myself I rather like the plain name Jane. And Schultz certainly is every bit attractive enough for us to immediately start calling him Sabrina.”

“Binky please do allow me a second to anchor my chair before Schultz jumps on me so near the moat. If you haven’t, I at least have had sufficient unencouraged attention in that quarter.”

“No panic, your Lordship. But if there were women here, would we be sitting contented like this. Not worried whether Hollywood was calling. Sipping wine. Talking. With the whole fucking world around us in absolute peace.”

“Schultz if I may say so it is charming the way you are so easily pleased.”

“Sure I am your Lordship. It’s the fucking marvellous atmosphere. Gives me a constant erection. Makes you wonder why in the world everyone is fighting, pushing and causing trouble. Jesus, this is why. Because everyone wants to be like this. In all this fucking god damn bliss.”

Binky, a long black cigarette holder lifted between his fingers, as his confidentially tempered whisper forced a smile to the corner of his lips.

“Yet Schultz from all this seeming contentment, I understand you are attempting to entice away a member of his Royal Grace’s household.”

“Jesus how did you know that Binky. Holy shit your Lordship what have you got going, a spy ring. You want to imprison a beautiful girl like that here.”

“Schultz I assure you, although we do have our dungeons, shackles and chains and many windows barred, this is not a correctional institution.”

“Well can’t you transfer her to another castle of yours closer to town. Or let me take her off your hands.”

“Good god Schultz. Not on your Nelly.”

“But your Lordship that girl could really go places out in the world. Her fucking blue eyes, her tits. Her waist couldn’t be more than twenty two inches. Jesus even what I can see of her ankles. She’s a real dream. Unspoilt and charming. I want her for the chorus line of the show.”

“By god Schultz, you have your nerve. And I suppose she is to be taught her footwork down your town house cellars with all your other teeming screaming au pairs awaiting their turn to be kicked out into the inclemencies of the London streets.”

“Holy shit you guys make me out to be some kind of roué or something.”

“Ah Schultz of course his Royal Grace does not want to incarcerate a lovely lady. But sometimes I do seriously wonder if we are ever going to succeed in making you understand the difficulties, the frustrations and yes, I dare to say it, the thankless heartbreak of this land owning way of life.”

“I understand it, don’t worry. I’m right here remember getting a front row view of you guys. In all your rural frustration and heartbreak. Hey Jesus your Lordship, how many places have you got like this.”

“Ah Schultz I hope you will not take offense, but on such an agreeable afternoon one prefers not to contemplate such matters.”

“Well let me tell you I’ll take one of them off your hands anytime.”

On this last evening, dinner arrived in four courses. Batters with his tiny hand claps as footmen swept in and out. Asparagus soup and sherry. Trout and Chablis. Partridge and Clos de Tart. Trifle and champagne. Vintage port and cigars. And repairing to the billiard room Schultz got directions to go for a pee.

“Turn right. Turn left. Third door on your right Schultz. You will find my grandfather’s reserved water closet. It requires some effort to lift the seat but you will be rewarded by an exquisitely decorated Meissen toilet bowl.”

Schultz these seconds later, face white as a sheet, bursting into the room. His prick hanging out of his fly. Cobwebs all over him, head to foot.

“Hey Jesus christ. I opened up the fucking door you told me. And right as I’m going to piss I lift up the fucking seat the light goes off. And down from the ceiling behind me drops a fucking whole human skeleton dangling glowing in the dark.”

Binky holding his stomach lurching about tripping over his cue. And his Lordship knocking over a pole screen as he too fell back laughing.

“Hey you guys did this. Deliberately. Just to ruin my peace of mind. Holy shit, look at me and you’re just laughing.”

“Ah Schultz we are looking and I regret laughing and I do apologise. It’s an old joke my grandfather was fond of playing. To jolt guests out of their drunkenness.”

“Well I pissed all over myself for christ’s sake. I could have had a heart attack. Jesus your Lordship, you know sometimes I think you’re highly irresponsible.”

Schultz, his nerves calmed, having been personally conducted by his Lordship to another water closet sans skeletons. Now set out in boots and tuxedo for his Lordship’s favourite sport, badger watching. The three of them making their way down a hillside through the forest paths to stand silently and motionlessly in a dank vale, chillingly waiting for one of these nightly creatures to come crawling by in the moonlight.

“Holy jumping christ the fucking thing is stepping on me.”

“Damn you Schultz don’t scream and run. Trust you to ruin what promised to be a most memorable night of badger watching.”

“Holy fuck you already have me a nervous wreck scaring the shit out of me in the crapper now you want me to let wild animals maybe bite me.”

Departing Londonwards that Tuesday after lunch. A gentle rain out of heavy grey clouds. His Lordship’s faithful retinue lined up to say goodbye. Umbrellas held over their heads entering the motor car. Roxana peeking round from an upstairs window. Schultz having deposited five pounds on his dresser with a note.

Dear Roxana,

You gorgeous creature. Now don’t forget what I told you. Give me a tinkle as soon as the spirit takes you to flee Alcatraz up to the big smoke.

S. F. Schultz

At some speed the two limousines motored along the winding byways of his Lordship’s estate, until the skies clearing, the sun shining, they arrived down a long straight stretch of narrow road lined with lime trees. His Lordship busily leafing through sheafs of catalogues in preparation to attend an auction scheduled for three in Bond Street.

“Hey where the hell are we going Binky.”

“To the railway station, Schultz.”

“What for.”

“The cars Schultz will go by road and we and the stags will proceed by rail.”

On the steps of the little station with a sign reading Nectarine Castle, a gold braided station master bowing to his Lordship alighting. Splendidly attired porters rushed to unload the stags. The monstrously long train for London sticking out down the track. Steam pouring out of its throbbing hissing locomotive.

“Hey really what is this all about Binky. Is this his Lordship’s own private station.”

“This Schultz is. By his Royal Grace’s request the London train stops here. And you must be absolutely confidentially quiet about it. Some people of course don’t like it one bit. I dare say it’s envy. Rather an unpleasant amount of that about these days. But it is after all, his Royal Grace’s land the train crosses.”

“This is fucking too much. But I love it. Holy shit look at that. A red fucking carpet. I can’t wait to get my feet on it.”

“Schultz hold fast.”

“What for.”

“Well as a matter of fact a small ceremony accompanies his Royal Grace’s mounting the train.”

“Wow. This I got to see.”

The station master and porters now lined up as his Lordship with tiny frequent nods of his head proceeded between them on the red carpet. Followed immediately by a widely grinning Schultz who gave all the watching eyes from the train windows his personal Woonsocket hi sign.

A small panelled drawing room inside the train. A side table covered with the day’s newspapers. Schultz plopping himself on a sofa chair and staring into space. Binky smoking a cigarette and taking in the passing acres of Nectarine Castle. His Lordship smilingly contemplating Schultz.

“Ah my dear Schultz, you really will now be glad to get back to the familiar comforting ways of the city. Tell me. What’s on your mind.”

“Well aside from slowly tearing my appetites away from all this privileged bliss and back to attend to the problems of the production, I’m thinking christ you guys. I never know what’s going to happen next.”

And nothing

Sacred or

Profane

Would surprise

Me