Schultz

5

Following his release from hospital that afternoon, Schultz took time out to have a sherry filled hour by himself in a small panelled bar down the hill from Charing Cross. And in the busy dingy thoroughfare of Villiers Street a little life perked back into him looking into the windows of a few dirty bookshops. All nausea nearly gone strolling now through the photographing tourists and the flocks of pigeons in Trafalgar Square.

“Jesus look at all these pigeons just happy fucking and pecking up the popcorn and enjoying life.”

Schultz paced himself gently along Pall Mall, cutting a sharp right into the narrow shadowy alley of Crown Passage. And was at last recovering as he made his way up the little peaceful incline of Duke Street St. James’s, past the window displays of antiques, books, shoes and paintings.

“Jesus if I had a couple of fucking hits running in the West End I could just walk in there and buy these joints right out and surround myself with beauty instead of anguish.”

Five minutes to four, Schultz reaching the Jermyn Street entrance to Fortnum’s. Crossing the sort crimson carpet under the radiantly sparkling chandeliers. To sit among these animated bejewelled ladies. Wait while one of these splendid light green aproned ministrating goddesses fetches a silkily soft chocolate stomach soothing slab of Sacher cake and a pot of smoky scented Earl Grey tea. Thank god there are places like this. Where I can fucking well sit suddenly in peace. Gather my wits back together again. Without having the god damn consequences of my prick always on my mind.

Early that evening shoving a weary body down between the cool sheets, Schultz took a nap in his empty town house. Waking again two hours later hungry and energetic to go dine in his favourite small Chinese restaurant in Soho. Topping off his sweet and sour pork with an hour’s pleasant play at a Piccadilly pinball emporium. Winning fourteen games and breaking the house record for the machine.

“Ere ere mister, you must be some kind of expert getting a score like that.”

Before returning to Belgravia, Schultz on the previous advice of Big Al, slipped into a theatre to take in the last act of a play with a young Debutant actress whom Al thought might hoof, act and sing her way to stardom. Schultz losing no time getting backstage to introduce himself to the blond curvaceous elegant creature.

“I like your act honey. You had some real nice moments out there. You’re the best thing this show’s got. If it had more like you, it wouldn’t be closing. I’m going to send you a script in the morning.”

Just as Big Ben boomed eleven over Belgravia, Schultz stepped out of a taxi. Reaching for his key to mount his steps, a loud rapping of a knocker made his recently calmed heart start beating ultra fast again. A monstrous shadow was blocking Schultz’s whole doorway. A figure turning and looming above him. Big jowls quaking in the light of the street lamp on the face of Pricilla’s mother.

“Don’t you just think you can turn your back on us. Just walk out of the hospital like that. Don’t you just think you can take that kind of attitude with me or my daughter. Just who do you think you are. You’re nobody.”

“Hey look Mrs. Prune, it’s after eleven o’clock, you’re going to wake the neighbors.”

“I’ll wake the neighbors alright, don’t you worry. They’ll hear how you put my daughter into hospital.”

“I didn’t put your daughter in hospital.”

“Do you want to hear from my solicitor. You’re going to hear from my solicitor. You left her laying on the floor. Half naked. And walked out of your house. My daughter saw you. That’s what you did. To have your breakfast while my daughter was unconscious. And everybody in this street is going to hear what you did.”

“Holy christ lady. Come on. What do you want money. I’ll give you money.”

“You’ll give me money. Do you hear what he says. He says he’ll give me money.”

Schultz ducking and falling backwards as Pricilla’s mother’s furled umbrella whistled over his head. Holding on to the rung of a railing and squatting on his haunches as more swipes rained down across his back.

“Jesus christ lady, what are you doing.”

“I’m teaching you a lesson not to turn your back on your betters that’s what I’m doing, you cardboard romeo.”

Schultz retreating down the steps, across the sidewalk and into the gutter. Followed by this avalanche of irate flesh disturbing the peace. And in spite of all the frontal assault something made him turn his back yet again and look up. To the third floor of the Ambassador’s residence. Just above the drawing room. Where the curtains were parted. And the Ambassador stood. His black diplomatic face grinning ear to ear. Just as a haymaker sailed home blotting out half the world seen by Schultz’s eyes.

Arriving next noonday at the offices of Sperm Productions Schultz found his Lordship and Binky just finishing their own recent cups of coffee brewed by the comely ever attentive Rebecca in the little office pantry. These two fellow directors animatedly making their usual midday noises to the effect that they were seriously engaged corporate executives actively running their fast burgeoning show business empire and were contemplating momentous deals to be sealed at the end of lunch that day.

“Ah Rebecca fetch in that contract with that awful man who owns that awfully over priced theatre. You know the one I mean.”

Binky liked to pretend that his gallant banter with the winsome Rebecca, was only to make her feel at home and part of their well oiled show business team. And before the novelty had worn off, it had often been the highlight of their business day, to hold prolonged conferences on office efficiency with secretaries.

“Ah yes, a good point that, a ceramic roller to wet stamps. Prevent the health risks of licking.”

Or in earlier days when bored with these consultations an ad would be placed in a suitably serious but somewhat arty periodical. And new secretarial candidates would arrive. With his Lordship sitting on the crimson love seat just removed fresh out of his personal palace, as Binky enthroned himself behind the broad expanse of the fine George the Third desk not so freshly lugged out of one of his Lordship’s castles.

“Now tell me, Miss ah, I didn’t quite catch the pronunciation of your name.”

“Pots.”

“Ah of course Pots, that’s P for peter, O for onanism, T for titty and S for slander.”

“Well, I suppose you could spell it that way but in that case it might be better to simply call me Rebecca.”

“Ah, but of course, how nice, Rebecca. Now Rebecca tell me this may seem to you perfectly irrelevant but did you play hockey at school.”

Some of the interviewed girls were then heard running out the corridor, one screaming, another crying and another using foul obscene unladylike language. Of course this was just a little trick his Lordship and Binky were fond of playing on Schultz.

“Now Miss Pots remember that you’re to be secretary to theatrical producers and you might be called upon without notice in an emergency to stand in for an indisposed understudy to an indisposed star. So we would appreciate if you could, in order to prove your acting potential, demonstrate to the best of your ability an adequately angry exit as if you had just been grossly insulted. We would like you to do this while passing our executive producer’s door.”

Rebecca had played her part extremely well on the occasion. Leaving Schultz stunned in his cubbyhole scratching his black curly locks. And she had also proved rather something that the other girls weren’t, a distinct all rounder when she set about one entire afternoon cleaning his Lordship’s trousers of chewing gum where he had sat stickily in same.

And when Schultz in those days had come out of his own tiny cubbyhole office, his Lordship and Binky lounging in their splendour would be waiting.

“Hey what are you guys doing. I mean that was four fucking girls rushing past my doorway like they’d been really insulted or something.”

In total and utter aristocratic astonishment his Lordship and Binky would look back and forth at each other and then at Schultz. And then again back at each other and back at Schultz.

“Well look holy shit isn’t that right. I mean your Lordship what the fuck’s going on. I mean I’m sitting in there wondering whether to go to the rescue or not.”

And now on this inclement noonday, Schultz back from his trauma in the hospital and his fisticuffs and umbrella battering on his front steps, had just entered the chairman’s office with his nose buried in the just published copy of a showbizz periodical. And a pair of sunglasses over his black eye.

“Ah Schultz, just in time. His Royal Highness and I have just been discussing your production Too Too Naughty And Not One Bit Nice. Isn’t that true Rebecca.”

“Yes sir.”

“Both his Royal Grace and I Schultz have decided to toy with a rather momentous decision. Now wait for it Schultz, don’t yet jump up on our backs screaming yippee hi o, just sit down there on our recently repaired chaise longue. That’s better. Ah but first do please let me enquire. How is your hospitalized lady friend.”

* * *

“Boy I’m telling you. I’m not kidding. I’m going to go queer.”

“How sensible of you Schultz. But I say. Dear me. Is that a black eye there behind your sunglasses. What a beauty, isn’t it your Royal Grace.”

“I ran into a door. So don’t get excited.”

“Ah, but tell us. Your lady friend, how is she.”

“She was with her mother and a hairdresser eating god damn caviar and foie gras in a private room I’m paying for and drinking champagne she had sent over from Fortnum’s to be put on my fucking bill, that’s what she was doing.”

“O we’re glad to hear your lady friend’s well, Schultz. And Rebecca do please excuse our fellow director’s sometimes forceful language.”

“She’s well, don’t worry.”

“Ah his Royal Grace and I are genuinely relieved to hear that. You know we were rather concerned for you Schultz, as a most irate lady was on to us on the phone. We really did fear she would strike you with her umbrella or something. Ah but let us get back to business. And forget these black eyes and that scratch or two on your cheek Schultz. Now Schultz the fact of the matter is that we are examining the possibility of taking a more than substantial piece of your little show.”

“This is a joke.”

“No joke Schultz. On the contrary it’s absolute gospel. Of course we expect a few preferential terms. But to those, I’m sure you won’t object. Rebecca has them down in her splendid shorthand. Don’t you, my dear.”

“Yes sir.”

“I really don’t know what we’d do without you Rebecca.”

“Ah you dirty cunts. You’ve heard it haven’t you.”

“Heard what Schultz. And please. Do, in front of Miss Pots, remember your language.”

“That I might have somebody who not only has a beautiful face and body but can really dance and sing.”

“Dear me, Schultz one hears a lot of things in the theatre. But I can vouch we have absolutely failed to hear such rumour. Which certainly I assure you wouldn’t sway us in the least. We actually think your little show on its present merits has a chance.”

“Thanks. But it’s no fucking rumour. This girl, you watch is going straight to the top.”

“Ah how nice for you Schultz. How nice. We rejoice, don’t we Basil. We truly rejoice.”

“But Jesus, the show at the moment is the least of my worries. I want to know what’s the fucking law on assault in this country.”

“Ah Schultz, you were attacked.”

“No I wasn’t, I was shoved. I mean this fucking girl’s mother yesterday at the hospital. She must have weighed two tons. I was so knocked out by the sight of her I walked right into the middle of an operation.”

“And his Royal Grace and I understand that completely Schultz, especially when there she was, gorging on caviar and drinking champagne charged to your account.”

“People don’t have morals any more.”

“Ah dear Schultz. Do you know that that lady you describe strikes me as your ideal kind of mother in law.”

“Holy shit, Binky don’t even ever fucking well joke about a thing like that. For christ’s sake.”

“Schultz you are an utterly endearing cavalier stylist.”

“What’s that supposed to mean your Lordship.”

“Schultz I haven’t the faintest idea. But it is so refreshing to hear you talk of morals. We must also hear more from you on chivalry, courtesy and generosity. Especially as you are presently maintaining your lady friend and her mother in such high living circumstances in the hospital.”

“Hey look, people don’t have to be eating caviar all the time. On somebody else’s bill. I’m generous for christ’s sake. And don’t worry when it’s necessary I got chivalry too.”

“Ah Schultz, please, both his Royal Grace and I invite you to sit down. Give Rebecca a chance to catch up on the minutes of our little meeting here.”

“Minutes. Holy shit. Stop. What are you taking evidence or something.”

“No no. And no need to pop up and make fists at us. You see we both thought you totally devoid of the virtues of generosity and chivalry until this very moment. I mean you could have snatched away the pot of caviar and the champagne and returned it to your elegant grocery merchant Fortnum’s and said it was all a horrid mistake.”

“Come on you guys. What’s this about an investment.”

“First Schultz you’ll be pleased to hear that his Royal Grace and I are having lunch fetched in. So do relax.”

“This office with you guys is always like this. Anything to waste time.”

“Schultz. Your fly is open.”

“It is not. Holy shit it is.”

“Rebecca I think at this point you must leave us. Ah now you see Schultz, how often you assume you’re being humbugged. And just when his Lordship as you like to refer to him, is attempting to prevent your being embarrassed by your indecent exposure. Now I speak both for myself and his Royal Grace Schultz when I say we are most interested in a piece of your little show.”

“O.K. come on, let’s go. How much.”

“Ah but firstly Schultz, firstly there are a few little matters to be disposed of. And one rather major one. Now this kicking of ladies out of your house one after another is reflecting badly upon the firm.”

“Hey what is this a fucking courtroom or something suddenly.”

“Rather more like a court martial Schultz. Behaviour unbecoming and that sort of thing. Especially Schultz when you chuck out females and then such ladies need hospitalization.”

“She sent herself to the hospital where she’s sitting up glowing with health in the fucking bed.”

“Ah Schultz that may be but I fear there is to one other such incident attached a further and more serious tale. Which it is of some urgency to tell.”

“What tale. And holy shit you guys talk. At least I’ve got principles. These are foreigners I’m kicking out. Whereas you guys send rushing past my door respectable English girls who came to you innocent looking for a decent job. And get insulted.”

“Well of course Schultz but it’s merely that we lay down stringent standards to weed out the unladylike types.”

“Bullshit.”

“Did you know Schultz that just the other day one bosomy youngster without the merest encouragement from myself or our esteemed deputy director Lord Nectarine here, stripped. Yes, you heard correctly Schultz, stripped. Totally without invitation I may needlessly add. And stood right where you stand not quite as hysterical as you but entirely naked to the waist before we could jump up and stop her. We implored her to put back on her clothes. Her bosoms were jumbo sized. One didn’t want so much flesh to get chilled. His Royal Grace even went to the extreme of tugging down that drape you see there crumpled upon the deck to cover her. She said most loudly don’t you dare put that dirty dusty thing on me. In the end we had to use strong arm tactics. Most embarrassing with her large things heaving around slapping one’s face. I mean of course she had, like so many others, misunderstood our letterhead and took the literal interpretation of our most unfortunate company name and thought she was being auditioned to take part in the moving photography of some sordidly disgusting obscenity of one awful kind or another. But Schultz, referring to foreigners, you Schultz I fear might be included in that category. But I’m sure his Royal Grace will agree with me, when I say that you have, haven’t you, as an American, rather made yourself at home with us here in dear old England. But please do let me put you at your ease Schultz. As you do look more than somewhat fraught this very serene afternoon.”

“What a long load of shit I’ve just listened to. I think you guys are a bunch of fucking philanderers, that’s what I think.”

“Schultz that’s a most serious accusation and could call for an extraordinary board meeting. By jove I don’t think we’re going to let you look any more at our pigeons sitting out there on their eggs on our roof.”

“Fuck the pigeons. What about the investment.”

“Ah Schultz. It must be said for you, resplendent as you are in your sunglasses and grey herringbone, blue shirt, black knit tie and those buttons on your collar tips, that you never give up. However, we do have some rather very heavy matters at hand. Now as you must know, a company is regarded as an entity separate from its members. However if one of its members is a loose moraled philanderer or worse, clapped up, then the company itself might easily be regarded as a clapped up company. And having regard for the name of ours, this simply will not do. Especially as we have already attracted the Board of Trade’s attention regarding our undesirable appellation. Ah but let me put business aside a moment. Goodness aren’t they the most marvellous aromas.”

Lunch accompanied by a bushy browed squat white hatted Italian chef was wheeled in. A boy assistant setting the table. As Binky and his Lordship in their usual manner, again looked at each other and back again at Schultz. The traffic sounds in the street increasing at this late noon time, and Schultz taking out and tearing off his usual half stick of afternoon chewing gum.

“Join us Schultz. Put your gum away. There’s a good chap. Sit there.”

“Jesus christ you guys, why don’t you go out to lunch.”

“Because Schultz we want to stay in and talk confidentially to you.”

“Come on where’s this big fucking investment. More bullshit, isn’t it. Just like you give the secretaries.”

“Now Schultz you are becoming awfully outspoken. And in front of his Royal Grace too. You really are. But what you think Schultz is entirely your own delusion. But we assure you, that neither I nor his Royal Grace are in the habit of being prevaricators. Or indeed lackadaisical with our chivalry towards ladies. It is merely that with our playful attitude towards secretaries we wish to eliminate from this hair raising business those girls who might tend to be squeamish, nerve wracked and unable to cope at a dire time. You know what show business is like, Schultz. Attracting as it does the very worst most awful sort of people. Help yourself to the gull’s eggs. And Mario do pour out for the Viscount Schultz some of your specially selected chablis.”

“Very good sir.”

“Hey Jesus I know you guys, you’re going to try and get me drunk.”

“Dear me Schultz you are lacking in faith in your fellow company directors.”

“Fucking right I am. And why doesn’t his Lordship say something, what is this, like you’re waiting to spring something on me.”

“Schultz outside the skies have cleared. His Royal Grace will speak in due course. Meanwhile lunch is the order of the day.”

The sun shining blazing in the window, sparkling upon the glassware and cutlery. The chef with his swift deft moves over his alcohol burners performing at his little auxiliary table covered in dishes and condiments. While the white coated boy, his hair slicked back and parted in the middle, circled serving this noble Lord and two commoner gentlemen.

“Jesus look at you, the pair of you so fucking rich it isn’t true. I mean what do you want, isn’t it enough that you got everything in the world already, Jesus castles and cooks, that you get kicks out of making innocent working girls miserable and then me guilty because I object.”

“Your Royal Grace don’t you think that Schultz here is, under his brash American exterior, a great romantic.”

“I do actually Binky, I actually do.”

“He reads so many showbizz trade newspapers and periodicals that he thinks every legitimate producer sits with his desperately livid cock out waiting for some defenceless girl to come and be requested to perform some resuscitating mouth tiring ministration upon it. Totally wrong, Schultz. Just as you, we too are dedicated to the theatre. Do have some more of the smoked salmon Schultz. And only the other day I was saying to his royal highness here what a rather good figure you cut. And how your silk shirts become you.”

“This fucking thing I’m wearing is nylon.”

“O dear. But now the truth of the matter is Schultz. That we told these prospective secretaries that they would have to, from time to time, work for you and that on their way out they might just peek in the office at the end of the corridor. I fear it was from that point onwards you heard the vituperation and screaming. And it does not surprise me in the least following his Royal Grace’s most unfortunate confrontation at your Belgravia establishment.”

“What the fuck are you talking about Binky.”

“Ah. I think in the interests of hygiene, and the well being of the board members of Sperm Productions, not to mention widespread epidemic, his Royal Grace will allow me to repeat for him his sad tale. And do try the asparagus Schultz, Mario, pop some of those nice tender stalks on to the Viscount Schultz’s plate. And help yourself Schultz to Mario’s renowned mayonnaise.”

“Hey come on, what is this.”

“Schultz now. You must shut up and listen. This is the matter of the major matter we must resolve before making our substantial investment in your little show.”

“Christ you guys. I knew you were going to go beating around the bush when this whole god damn production is on my mind.”

“Now Schultz you have, haven’t you done some really rather lousy rotten things to ladies.”

“Jesus what is this.”

“Well the fact of the matter is, and I have your permission your Royal Grace, ah good. And Mario that will be all for the moment, till the scampi thank you.”

“Very good sir.”

“Well Schultz, one inclement morning not that long ago our dear Lord Nectarine here was motoring into town from a west country direction from one of his westerly located country houses and thinking of your welfare, asked his faithful Hubert to stop a moment at your residence in order that he might give you a lift into the office. And I regret to say his Royal Grace at once became witness to a rather bizarre event. Schultz, do try that sauce that Mario has spent two hours preparing this morning. Indeed it is the most famous sauce in London.”

“Come on you guys. You’re going to gorge me. I’ve got important work to do.”

“Schultz there was an au pair.”

“What au pair.”

“Well we assume it was one you were clearly trying to shove out on the scrap heap after the usual twenty one days of nonstop sexual use or abuse of her body.”

“Hey come on what is this.”

“Schultz it’s a case of inhumanity, and do have a slice of wholemeal bread. Good for your hemorrhoids and chew it well.”

“I ain’t got hemorrhoids.”

“You may have them after this tale Schultz.”

“Come on what tale.”

“The tale involving his Royal Grace when he saw kneeling on the hard paving stones of your basement kitchen, a young honey blond lady in her night shift. Begging and shivering and sobbing not to be thrown out. No need to look goggle eyed behind your sunglasses Schultz. His royal highness was rather cut to the quick as she wailed out in her miserably fractured English that she would clean and scrub, cook and polish, worship and obey Mr. Schultz till death if only he would let her stay.”

“This is what you guys do all day. Dream up this bullshit.”

“Ah Schultz there is more. Ah but perhaps we should leave it till brandy and cigar time. We have some rather nice pale old stuff been lying in barrel down the London docks from the beginning of this century that my good chaps Berry Brothers and Rudd have just bottled. I think you’ll like its gently exquisite finesse.”

“Come on, now you got started trying to ruin my appetite, get finished.”

“Well as I say there was his Royal Grace on your doorstep. And then suddenly the servants’ entrance is flung open and in a veritable blaze of obscenities this honey blond creature in a yellow flowered dress was shoved into the London elements by a raven haired beauty whom his Royal Grace took to be some new member of your household.”

“Hey now wait a minute, you sons of bitches. Have you been spying on me or something.”

“Schultz you’ll choke speaking with a whole stalk of asparagus sticking out of your mouth like that. Ah but allow me to pour you a little spot more of Chablis to have with your scampi. I see we have struck a chord of some admission here. Haven’t we your Royal Grace. That the facts put forth are not entirely, to quote you Schultz, bullshit.”

“Like hell they’re not.”

“I mean Schultz naturally, your being a director of this old established firm we must be alert to hygiene and to your well being. And dear me, you’ve aready admitted being shoved about by this young lady’s two ton mother. A black eye today. With your toes broken periodically. A limping and thoroughly distraught man when you come in here prick weary of a lunch time. Well I tell you, his Royal Grace and I are alarmed. Even as we are pleased that you rather exaggeratedly uphold the firm’s name.”

“Come on, so what, I broke my toes and got a black eye. What’s all this hygiene and eviction shit.”

“We are Schultz about to come to that. Now his Royal Highness did in fact, on this particular faintly drizzly morning, and entirely out of the goodness of his heart, drive to your premises in order that, with the scarcity of taxis on London rainy mornings, you might not have to overexert your recently broken toes on the way to the office. I mean you have indeed been having to make so many trips to Harley Street these days.”

“Jesus, that bitch from Rotterdam.”

“Ah Schultz, you’ve jumped right out of your seat, at long last. And out of you has come a truly heartfelt sentiment. Now why.”

“Jesus christ she broke every god damn dish in the kitchen, threw a flower pot through the window. Poured a jar of honey down the stairs. Flung jam on the walls. I’m still discovering what she did.”

“And my dear Schultz you are about to discover more. Concerning that bitch from Rotterdam. And I must because of the verbatim quality, I am sure you’ll appreciate is necessary, now hand you over to his royal esteem Prince Basil, the well known Earl of Eel Brook Common and London’s most fashionable peer, who will take it up from here. I give you without further embroidery his Amazing Grace.”

“Ah my dear pettifogging creampuff Schultz. Sit down.”

“What for.”

“I think it is best advised you do.”

“Jesus I’m all right standing. But I could tell you were fucking well sitting waiting there to jump me with something. Give me a cigarette will you.”

“As Binky smokes cigars, you’re referring I presume to one of mine Schultz.”

“Sure why not.”

“Well puff deeply Schultz. You’re going to need all the nicotine you can get. Firstly, so that you know beyond question that one does not pull your leg, the young lady’s legs from Rotterdam were, apart from being extremely attractively shaped, also extensively hairy.”

“O Jesus, come on you guys. You really are trying to get me. I got a hundred and twenty thousand pound production hanging over my head.”

“Schultz your budget has suddenly doubled.”

“Fucking well right it has. Now will you tell me what the fuck’s going on and stop bullshitting all over the place.”

“Dear me Schultz is your little show going to cost that much.”

“My little show, Binky. Well let me tell you. I got a husband and wife team composing who think that combined they’re Puccini. A playwright doing the book who thinks he’s Shakespeare. And a fucking director who thinks that in his suede shoes he’s god. And they all think they should live full time in suites at the Dorchester.”

“O dear Schultz. Do sit down. And finish your scampi. In a moment there will be chocolate mousse. And his Royal Grace and I do so hate to add to your troubles.”

“Well go on add. Just don’t waste my fucking time doing it. Come on your Lordship.”

“Well Schultz when your lady friend was being flung out by this other most attractive but extremely determined lady I naturally assisted the wretched girl. Not knowing of course that she had done the dire dirty to your domicile. She was nearly delirious, tears streaming down her face. My Dutch is extremely rusty but at least I could follow the rudiments of what she was saying.”

“O.K. what was she saying.”

“Well among other things, that she couldn’t return to her employers. Indeed she volunteered she’d do anything for me, work in any of my castle kitchens or meadows. Of course I realised that this meant that you Schultz had been shooting your loud mouth off yet again, and had been telling her all sorts of exaggerated tales about me. I instead took her to one of the better quality West End hotels and gave them your name and address to send the charges to.”

“You did like shit.”

“Ah Schultz you are a disbeliever aren’t you.”

“Damn right. This whole story is all the same, one fifth fact, four fifths fiction.”

“Well perhaps. And to some extent you are quite correct Schultz. I did have Hubert take her back to Hornchurch to her employers.”

“Hey how did you know where she lived.”

“Ah Schultz, of course I knew. From her very own lips. I’ve repeatedly attempted to make it evident to you that you are being told the absolute truth.”

“Well come on then tell it. What’s it you’re driving at.”

“Well Schultz in a nut shell. As a result of assisting this lady not only have I been interviewed by the police regarding her possible abduction but also by three extremely worried medical investigators.”

“Holy shit what for.”

“Now Schultz please, you’ve nearly upset the entire table, do sit down.”

“Holy christ I’m down.”

“Ah that’s better. Binky pour our dear fellow director some brandy. Now please don’t get hysterical, Schultz.”

“Hey how fucking tranquil do you want me to get for christ’s sakes.”

“Well Schultz, extremely tranquil. Since it appears from confirmed bacterial findings that your young lady was evidently suffering from a rapidly spreading and so far un treatable venereal disease from the Orient. Schultz, sit down. And please listen. These medical investigators are desperate to track anyone down who had any contact with her even of the most casual sort.”

“Hey, I’m not going to believe one more fucking word of this.”

“By all means, don’t Schultz. Don’t.”

The sun glinting on Schultz’s sunglasses and his hands spreading out beside him on the chaise longue where in his table toppling anxiety he was now sitting ready to spring up to escape. His adam’s apple going up and down in his throat as he swallowed and his tongue flicking out between his lips. As he quietly turned white before turning beet red.

“Hey come on, is this serious for christ’s sake. Is this the truth. Come on Binky. This is all a lot of shit isn’t it.”

“Schultz, as much as one would prefer it to be, unhappily I assure you, it is distinctly not. And I admonish you to heed his Royal Grace’s every word.”

“Hey come on. From the Orient. That’s miles away.”

“Alas not for this incurable chronic vesicular chancre, Schultz. Popping from continent to continent is merely a hop skip and jump for it.”

“You guys are really just shitting me. There’s got to be a cure.”

Binky presiding before his glass of brandy, taking up his gold clipper and snipping a piece from the end of his cigar. As his Lordship crossed his legs and sat deeply back in his chair sniffing his very special old pale cognac over the edge of his glass and then holding it aloft in the direction of both the light and of Schultz’s increasingly flustered face.

“Schultz, it’s you who ought to be shitting. It’s so stupidly American of you, thinking everything’s got to have a cure.”

“That’s not American, that’s true. There’s a day and night struggle that goes on to find a cure for everything. And they find them. Don’t worry.”

“I do so hate to dash your hopes Schultz. But according to these medical investigators, although you Americans are presently pulling your hair out trying to find a cure for these deucedly severe microbes, which have afflicted some of your far flung military bases, you yet haven’t.”

“You don’t even have a name for the disease.”

“Oriental Venereal Plague.”

“Hey come on, that kind of plague stuff went out with the middle ages.”

“My dear Schultz. Your innocence and faith in man’s all conquering abilities is so refreshing sometimes. But some of these microbes which even predate the human race, not only still lurk everywhere but indeed are far more able to survive than man himself.”

“Well what the fuck are they doing about them then. It’s not right they’re loose like that.”

“Exactly. Therefore these investigators are tracking down and rigidly enforcing isolation and quarantine of the unfortunate victims. Fortunately I was wearing gloves and did not come into skin contact with the lady. But of course where she sat in my motor, was sprayed and my gloves burned.”

“Holy shit. I needed this now. On top of what I got already.”

“And now Schultz what on earth are you so suddenly concerned about.”

“My fucking health.”

“Schultz you ass, that doesn’t mean that you become infected merely by a person’s presence. The medical investigators were quite clear in stating that there had to be solid if not somewhat prolonged mucous membrane contact.”

“Holy motherfucking christ.”

“Come come get a grip on yourself Schultz. There’s no need for such extreme blaspheming profanity. You really are beginning to take this awfully hard.”

“Hard. You want me to rejoice.”

“But surely Schultz this young lady was most safely imprisoned in your commodious basement.”

“Yeah sure, I kept her locked down there. But I had to let her loose once in a while, didn’t I. You can’t treat someone like a criminal before you know they are.”

“And quite rightly so Schultz. At least you’re eminently fair.”

“And I wish I wasn’t. Boy. When she was trying to wreck it she got all over the house.”

“Ah then Schultz of course you’ll make sure to get only experienced fumigators when cleaning the jam off your walls especially if she were flinging it about in bare fistfuls. But do remember. Only those who may have actually had orifice contact are at serious risk. Those who touch the girl on her skin or rub up close to her in some fashion are only at moderate risk.”

“Hey now wait a minute why the fuck are they calling it venereal if you can get it just touching someone.”

“Ah I’m very glad you asked that question Schultz, it’s precisely what I thought. And I’m suitably impressed by your medical knowledge. But damn it all, it really does take the cake you know. Evidently these microbes which have reached us from the Far East are of quite an advanced type. Enabling them to withstand greater rigors in their survival. And Schultz please stop dropping your cigarette ash on the cushion.”

“Holy shit here he is telling me to stop dropping my ash on the fucking cushion when I could be deeply infected with fucking germs they got no cure for.”

“I’ve already told you Schultz. It doesn’t mean that whenever you lightly brush up against one of these heinously afflicted persons that you will automatically pick up one of these fearful microbes. But of course delving into orifices and therein taking your sport is entirely another matter. Then there is no question this most awful evil affliction may befall one.”

“Holy shit stop saying that word orifice will you. Here I stand on the abyss of a hundred and twenty thousand pounds and you give me this kind of good news.”

“The really unfortunate thing is Schultz, that we hadn’t given it to you sooner. In order to save your new lady friend and even her mother from being infected. Of course the medical investigators will want to interview them. And conveniently she’s already in hospital. Why are you looking so distraught Schultz.”

“I’m not distraught.”

“Anyone Schultz would think you were the way you are again jumping up.”

“Well I’m fucking well not. Did these investigators tell you what the symptoms were.”

“Yes as a matter of fact.”

“Well come on. Tell me.”

“Good grief Schultz you are indeed exhibiting the most considerable anxiety.”

“Never mind what the fuck I’m exhibiting. What do the symptoms exhibit.”

“Well anyone would think you’d caught it the way you’re pacing around there.”

“What are the fucking symptoms. And Binky while you’re falling off the chair spilling your brandy and laughing you can fucking well stop thinking this is so fucking funny. Come on your Lordship.”

“Schultz you won’t believe it when I tell you.”

“Come on fucking well tell me. I’m waiting here for christ’s sake.”

“O god Schultz it’s just dawned on me. Could this be a just retribution. For the stream of au pairs you’ve corrupted in and out of your bed. And Schultz, my god, one is beginning to think that girl wasn’t just simply scrubbing your floors. May we assume perhaps that you were rather friendlier with her than master and servant custom usually permits. And were up her or engaged in behaviour akin to being so.”

“No I was not.”

“Well then why are you sweating.”

“Well holy shit I mean you know, you meet the odd girl here and there and so I got to watch out, don’t I.”

“Well of course quite, we must all watch out. But for a moment there Schultz, you really had me worried. Because my god I haven’t yet told you the worst.”

“The worst.”

“Precisely. The lady was also suffering from another vicious chronic disease as well. In the form of a mouth fungus.”

“O hey Jesus, come on, stop.”

“And Schultz. And you’ll never believe this. She was also thought to possibly have mumps.”

“Now I don’t believe you. Fungus and mumps for fucks sake. Come on, you’re having me on. Next you’ll be telling me that the mouth fungus can make you sterile.”

“O no it doesn’t. That only happens with the Oriental Venereal Plague Schultz. But of course even the mildest form of this plague could make you impotent if it attacks the testicles. But as you know mumps may also lead to inflammation of the balls.”

“You’re trying to tear my whole god damn life down.”

“Not at all Schultz. Simply warning you. The mouth fungus only causes loosening and loss of the teeth.”

“Only. Jesus.”

“Especially this particular variety known as the Rotterdam Rot. But then I very much regret to say that the fungus will be the least of your worries if this chronic vesicular gangrene chancre in its secondary stage ravages your entrails.”

“Gangrene. I got to get to the fumigators fast.”

“Of course Schultz the wretched affliction was brought in by sailors to that busiest of European ports. But think of the things you could have caught Schultz. Leprosy. Island isolation and that type of thing.”

“Jesus I got to sit down again.”

“Binky, some more brandy for our fellow director. And you know Schultz it makes one realise what a marvellous and dedicated medical service we have here. Chaps who have through tireless work traced the origins of these dread diseases.”

“Holy shit, I don’t need brandy I need a drink of fucking water.”

“Binky would you mind awfully getting our cherished and esteemed fellow director a glass of water. We shouldn’t of course like our chef or secretaries especially Rebecca, to get wind of these matters. Also I’m afraid Schultz is so overwrought he may not be entirely able to see straight and could easily fall down the lift shaft rushing into the wrong aperture.”

“But of course your Amazing Grace. I’ll fetch water. But dear me does this mean our dear fellow director Schultz here may end up having to wear a Lazarus rattle to warn of his approach. And someone behind him to sweep up his teeth.”’

“Don’t worry the two of you, I may be sitting here looking collapsed god damn it, but I can still see straight and I’m not going to need any rattle either. Or someone picking up my teeth.”

Binky at the office door. Pausing to twiddle and tap his fingers as he elevated himself up and down on his toes and released wind in a series of small elegant pops.

“Please don’t mind my rear portal’s post luncheon fanfare. Asparagus, scampi and Chablis invariably pop out of me like this. I am just having a look see in the hall to make sure none of our staff are listening to this unfortunate discussion we are having. Ah all’s clear. And now perhaps Schultz, in view of the grave risk to your future health, you’d like us to take over your production for you.”

In the sudden silence the pigeons cooing out on the rooftop. And his Lordship hardly ever the type to lose his composure unwillingly, suddenly standing, turning his back and going to the window to rearrange and straighten his face wracked by his choked up guffaws. His fingers pressing his stomach to stop the muscles from ripping asunder. And looking out across to the other office buildings to contain himself. As Schultz, leaping to his feet, sunglasses suddenly off. His elbows out from his sides as he stood crouched, one eye puffed and black, right fist clenched and disbelieving horror written all over his face.

“Why you dirty rats.”

Binky slowly rising on his toes as if to reach his ears further in the direction of some rare bird song.

“I beg your pardon, Schultz.”

“You heard me. You dirty rats. Now I know what you’re up to. When you see a guy is down. That’s what you do. You move right in. Like vultures. To pick the flesh off my fucking bones.”

“We’d hardly want to do that with your bones Schultz, poxed up and fungus ridden as they may possibly be.”

“Jesus what human beings you are.”

“Schultz I feel somehow you’re withholding something from us. That in fact you did plunge it eighteen miles or so up the au pair’s orifice.”

“I did like fucking hell plunge it up her orifice. And what’s more you fucking well know I didn’t.”

“Ah Schultz, at last. Binky and I are relieved. And your terribly anxious upset attitude about this matter is, forgive me, I must say it, no longer highly suspicious. And we can all relax and even consider shaking hands with you again without nasty thoughts of contagion. And we don’t think you’re down. Temporarily dismayed perhaps. And after you are cured.”

“Cured. I’m not sick yet.”

“Well just in case you needed to be cured. Then later we would gladly let you back in on a piece of the action. To use one of your more endearing phrases.”

“Let me in on a piece of the action. Me. Who’s sweated my guts out on a shoestring and with contracts already signed that could hang me. It’s still my fucking show. And no diseases from some dirty Dutch bitch from Rotterdam is going to make it otherwise.”

“That’s unchivalrous of you to say Schultz, she was after all an attractive girl, outwardly at least. And any of us could be forgiven had we taken an interlocking orifice liberty with her.”

“Stop saying orifice, will you. I took no fucking liberties with anybody. And I’m just upset because, well I’m just a good citizen that’s all.”

“You are a foreigner Schultz.”

“What difference does that make. I can still behave like a good citizen. Diseases like that bitch brought to town, I’m concerned. It stands to fucking reason.”

“Dear me Schultz, you are at the most unexpected of times quite commendable and I am relieved to hear of your fervent sense of civic duty and I think I speak on behalf of all of us here at Sperm Productions who might have risked contagion from you. But of course I do hope you’ll understand Schultz if one still keeps one’s breathing distance away.”

His Lordship in his rumpled dark blue gabardine suit, turning again to confront Schultz. Whose tie knot was now loose and askew at his throat and three of his buttons open on his shirt as he stood, his sunglasses back on, jerking his thumb.

“If fucking Binky I can hear busting his gut laughing out there in the hall caught it he’d find it a lot less fucking amusing, let me tell you.”

“Indeed, Schultz, that stands, to use your terminology, to fucking reason. But surely the word fucking is no longer called for as an adjective in this discussion. Especially as you imply you did not do any with the lady in question. And were then and are now, merely an innocent calm citizen.”

“Holy shit. I’m never totally calm. Anyway what do you want me to say. Don’t I have enough troubles. She was in my house. Eating my food. Taking in milk bottles off my stoop. And touched and had her fingers all over the milk caps. It happens plenty of times. But just in case, I got to know what the doctors say you should do.”

“Simply let them know if any symptoms develop. And then to get in touch with them instantly.”

“What kind of symptoms.”

“With three diseases there are quite a number, but I believe they are all characterised by a mild tiredness towards late afternoon. Or in the mornings a sudden hair loss.”

“Hair loss. I thought it was teeth. How much hair.”

“A whole lot, evidently. Why Schultz are you putting your hand up to your head like that.”

“No fucking reason.”

“Well if it’s any help, pubic hair loss is just as copious as the head hair loss.”

“Pubic.”

“Yes. But please don’t start opening up your fly to look now Schultz. Of course a damn nuisance in that area of one’s anatomy. To suddenly confront a lady friend out of the blue one morning with hairless pudenda when the previous evening it was hairy.”

“Jesus.”

“Also one has a sense of thirst. Not that your wanting a glass of water a minute ago Schultz could possibly be taken in that context in the least. Now really the way you’re down again up again hopping around you’d think one was now suggesting the girl was rabid.”

“Don’t worry what you’ve already told me that Rotterdam bitch has got is enough.”

“Well Schultz, I see by my watch I must run. Tell you if I hear anything more.”

“Tell me if you hear anything more. Hey what the fuck are you talking about. You’ve already told me enough for a lifetime. And Jesus do you have to go already.”

“I’m afraid so Schultz. Hubert’s waiting to take me to pick up some antique and rather valuable jewelry items at Christies. And they close in half an hour.”

“Christ you can walk there, it’s only two seconds around the corner.”

“Well it’s rather expected of me to, how shall we put it, to arrive in suitable style.”

“Jesus you worry about style at a fucking time like this.”

Under the not unloving gaze of his Lordship, Schultz sitting back down on the chaise longue. The chef Mario and his assistant with head nods and smiles wheeling out his tables. Schultz’s elbows planted apart on his knees and face bent down into his hands. Right under Sperm Productions’ most prized autographed photograph of a smiling health glowing famed male Hollywood movie star. And then Schultz opening his mouth and with his fingers tugging on his front teeth. And as his left hand ran up through his hair, his right scratched and pinched in the area of his crotch.

“Holy Jesus fucking christ. There’s something loose already down there.”

“Schultz, do be calm. Here’s your water.”

Binky holding out a brimming glass to Schultz. Who suddenly jumping to his feet knocks the water from Binky’s fingers and rushes out into the hall. Where the water closet door could be heard opening and slamming loudly shut.

“I say your Royal Amazing Grace, those vomiting noises one hears. What do you suppose is wrong with our little theatrical friend Schultzy boy there. He appears to be having a little spot of bother of some sort in the confines of the water closet, poor chap.”

Dear me

He is

Suffering

So