Secrets of a Scandalous Marriage

CHAPTER 42

Kate downed the rest of her champagne for courage and hurriedly set the empty flute on a side table. Tears blinding her, she pushed her way through the crowd. She elbowed and shoved. The partygoers were wall-to-wall, all whispering, giggling, and conjecturing. She couldn’t get past them. They all seemed to be headed in the opposite direction, trying to get to the back of the ballroom to see what all the fuss was about. But Kate, Kate was trying to get to the front of the ballroom, to follow James out the door.

She finally made it, pushing past scores of people, her wide blue skirts not helping at all. She threw open the double doors to the ballroom and rushed into the cold corridor, looking both ways. In the shadowy darkness, she glimpsed the black of James’s evening attire slipping through a set of French doors onto a balcony at the end of the hallway. She picked up her skirts and ran, her blue slippers slapping against the marble floors.

By the time she made it to the end of the hallway, she was breathing heavily, her chest aching. She dropped her skirts and grasped the handles to the French doors, pushed them open and stepped out onto the balcony. The freezing wind whipped across her face, but she could barely feel it.

James was there, alone, his arms braced on the balustrade, his drink still in his hand. He stared off across the rooftops, his breath making streams in the night sky.

He was so noble and handsome and … perfect. Her heart wrenched. She wouldn’t have believed it before. If she hadn’t heard his speech to the Cranberrys. But those hadn’t been the words of a man who was just trying to do the right thing. Those had been the words of a man who cared. Truly cared. Loved her, perhaps? Every word he’d said had seared her heart and she couldn’t leave without giving them one more chance.

“James,” she breathed.

He turned around at the sound of her voice. He paused. He set his jaw. “I didn’t know you were here.”

“I came with Lily and Annie, and I am, here that is, and I … I heard what you said … to the Cranberrys.”

He spat his words through a clenched jaw. “The Cranberrys don’t know what the hell they’re talking about.”

“James.” She moved over to him and touched his sleeve. “Thank you.”

He stood up straight and took a drink. “You’re always thanking me, Kate. And you have nothing to thank me for.”

“I have everything to thank you for.”

He eyed her up and down. “I assume you are still leaving for the Continent tomorrow.”

She struggled to breathe evenly. Oh God, she knew it. The next few moments would decide their entire future. “It … depends,” she murmured.

He narrowed his eyes on her. “Upon what?”

“On whether you still want to marry me.” Her voice broke on the last two words.

James lifted his free hand and let it fall back to his side. Then his face went hard, like stone, and Kate’s stomach dropped.

“What do you mean, Kate?” His voice was too hard.

She searched his face. His hazel eyes looked positively green from behind his emerald mask. “Do you want to marry me, James?”

He turned. Setting his glass aside, he braced his hands on the balustrade. “Damn it, Kate. I did. God knows I did.”

“And you don’t anymore?” She held her breath, cold tears trembling on her lashes. He couldn’t mean it. Things couldn’t have changed so much in merely a day. Not to mention, he’d just given the most chivalrous speech back there on her behalf. He had to love her. Didn’t he?

He expelled his breath hard, another white puff in the freezing night sky. “I asked you to marry me, Kate, and you left.”

She reached for him, grabbed his sleeve. “James, I love you. I just couldn’t tell you before. I didn’t want you to give up your life for me. Give up your reputation for me. But back there…” She gestured to the ballroom. “I realized. You already have.”

“I told you that already, Kate. What makes tonight any different than Christmas? Didn’t you love me then?”

“Yes. Yes, of course, but I didn’t want to hurt you.”

He looked down and shook his head. “You wouldn’t have hurt me, Kate.”

She dug her nails into the palm of her opposite hand. He was talking about it all in the past tense. As if there were no hope. She couldn’t stand it. What was it her mother had always said? There was nothing two deep breaths won’t cure. Kate took two very deep breaths and exhaled. “I didn’t understand that then. I thought … Lily told me you’d offered for her last spring and I was convinced you were just trying to fix things again. I didn’t think you loved me. Do you, James? Do you love me?” He’d turned to face her, and her eyes frantically searched his face.

His jaw was tight. “Don’t make me answer that, Kate. It doesn’t matter now.”

Tears streaked down her cheeks. They nearly froze in the cold wind. “Why? Why not?”

“I’ve never felt the way I do about you for any woman before. I’ve never— Damn it. I didn’t want to lose you. Lose the only other woman I ever gave a damn about losing. But I already did. I lost you.” He glanced away and there was a distant, dark look in his eyes. One that made Kate’s heart plummet. “I cannot do it again.”

“No, James. Listen to me.” She stepped forward and grabbed his shoulders. “Can’t we start over? Ask me to marry you again, James. Ask me—”

From inside the ballroom, the crowd grew louder. It had to be nearly midnight. Kate held her breath, watching James’s stony face. He remained completely silent.

From inside the ballroom, the crowd began to chant.

Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One.

The crowd erupted into a mass of cheers as the church bells all over the city rang.

Kate ripped the mask from her head and searched James’s face. “Ask me, James,” she whispered brokenly. “Ask me.”

He pulled her hand away from his shoulder and placed it back at her side. He shook his head. “It’s too late.”