Shadow

10

The Rector’s Sports Prize in the municipal school district, 1967. Silently he whispered the words to himself and felt an expansive, bright joy spread through his body. He, Jan-Erik Ragnerfeldt, had won, and it would be announced in the school’s assembly hall in the presence of pupils, teachers and parents. The choir would sing and the rector would give a speech, and in the middle of the school’s spring concert he was the one who would be called up on stage to receive the cup and a diploma.

Now only the hardest challenge remained, to make sure his father was in the hall when the solemn event took place.

He sat at the kitchen table eating a salami sandwich.

‘Now eat so that you grow big and strong, and if you want more bread it’s in the tin.’

Gerda stood at the worktop preparing meatballs for the following day. She cracked an egg on the edge of a stainless- steel bowl, and her hands began kneading the mincemeat. As so often before she hummed some melody that Jan-Erik didn’t recognise. But he had enough to do with working out a solution to the dilemma occupying his thoughts.

‘Where’s your sister? Doesn’t she want an evening snack?’

‘She’s probably in her room.’

‘I most certainly am not.’ A hand appeared in the corner behind the wood-stove that was no longer used, and the next moment Annika came creeping out.

‘I declare, so there you are. You fooled me again.’

Gerda gave a long laugh as if she found it an extremely amusing trick, even though Annika was most often to be found in that space behind the stove, which she had fixed up as a little house.

‘Well, I told you.’

Jan-Erik smiled at Gerda. It was so odd such things amused her – things that nobody else ever laughed at. Both he and Annika loved being in the kitchen. Partly because it was far enough away from their father’s office that they didn’t have to keep their voices down, but also because there was something comforting about Gerda. As long as no other grown- up was in the vicinity. As soon as one of their parents was present she changed and laughed as little as all the others in the house.

Someone rang the doorbell. Three short rings. It was Gerda’s task to answer it, but right now her hands were full of the sticky meat.

‘Go and get the door, Annika, if you would.’

Annika vanished down the hall. Jan-Erik heard at once who it was, and all hope was extinguished. Now the evening would turn to night before he had a chance to ask his father.

Annika came dashing back into the kitchen and crawled in behind the stove. In the next instant Torgny Wennberg appeared in the doorway with his overcoat on, hat in hand.

‘Hello, all, I see you’re cooking. What sort of delicacy is it this time?’

‘It’s just some meatballs. I’ll tell him you’re here.’

Gerda went to the sink with her gooey hands.

‘No, no, don’t let me interrupt. I can knock on the door myself.’

And then he was gone. Jan-Erik wondered why a stranger who didn’t even live in the house was allowed to do something that nobody else could do. Knock on the door while his father was working. The next moment he realised that now was his chance, now that the door would be opened even if it wasn’t for him. As fast as he could he ran through the house to get there before it was too late. Torgny Wennberg was still standing at the door when he arrived.

‘Yes?’ came a voice from the other side of the door.

Torgny opened it and went in. Jan-Erik sneaked up and stood just outside the threshold.

‘Well, hello there, Torgny, so it’s you coming to bother me.’

‘I thought you might need a little inspiration on a Tuesday evening.’

Smiles and handshakes, and then his father caught sight of him.

‘Did you want something, Jan-Erik?’

‘Yes, I just wanted to ask you something.’

‘It’ll have to wait, I have a visitor now, as you can see. Go and ask your mother or Gerda.’

He closed the door firmly.

Jan-Erik was sitting in the armchair in the living room. From there he had a view of the door to the office, and he hadn’t left the room in two hours. Three times his mother had passed by, each time asking what he was doing. Nothing special, he’d replied, and she’d looked at him as though she thought he was lying. Now it was almost bedtime and the door still hadn’t opened. Everything would be ruined if his father didn’t come. Now that he finally had something to show him.

He heard her footsteps on the stairs and for the fourth time she appeared in the living room. This time she was silent. She simply went over to one of the bookshelves and ran her finger over the spines of the books as if searching for a certain volume.

And then with her back to him she said, ‘Have you asked Axel if he’s coming with us tomorrow?’

‘No, I told him about it a couple of weeks ago, but he hasn’t said yet whether he’s coming.’

‘And how long were you planning to sit here?’

‘I’m just sitting and thinking a little. I have a geography test on Friday, so I’m trying to prepare.’

She turned to him. ‘So where’s your geography book?’

He could feel himself blush. ‘Well, I know almost everything by heart. I’m going over my European capitals.’

That was all she said. But he noticed that she didn’t take a book with her when she left and went upstairs.

Another hour passed. The ticking clock on the wall kept precise track of the time, and the soporific sound made him doze off. He woke up when somebody tugged at his sleeve. Annika had her nightgown on, and he could see that she’d been crying.

‘You have to come, there’s something wrong with Mamma.’

He looked at the door, which was still closed.

‘Hurry up!’

Despite her fear she was whispering, and he ran down the hall after her and up the stairs.

Their mother was lying on the floor of her bedroom, in her dressing gown with her face to the floor. He was filled with a greater fear than he’d ever felt in his life. Annika began to sob. Jan-Erik hurried over and knelt down at his mother’s side. He pulled on her arm and brushed the hair out of her face.

‘Mamma! Mamma! Wake up, Mamma! Tell me what happened. Say something, Mamma, tell me what’s wrong with you.’

She didn’t move. Her arm was limp as he tugged and yanked at it. He felt the tears come. He put his nose to her mouth, but she didn’t smell as sour as she did sometimes when she’d been drinking wine. This was something else.

‘Mamma. Please, Mamma, wake up.’

He let go of her arm and pressed his hands to his face.

‘We have to get Pappa.’

He was just about to jump up and rush off when she opened her eyes. She twisted round a bit and looked first at him and then at Annika.

‘Annika, could you fetch me a glass of water?’

Annika ran off. His mother sat up. All at once she looked completely natural, as if she hadn’t just been lying like a dead woman on the floor.

‘So you do care a little bit after all.’

Jan-Erik froze. At first he didn’t understand what she meant and just sat there. A tear was allowed to run down his cheek undisturbed.

His mother got up but he remained on the floor; follow ing her with his gaze as she went over to the bed and sat down.

‘What do you mean?’ he finally managed to say.

‘You’re so anxious for Axel to come tomorrow, but you’ve hardly asked me.’

‘But I want you to come too. You told me you would. I’m sure I asked you.’

‘Are you quite sure you want me to come?’

He felt the tears again.

‘Of course I want you to be there.’

Suddenly she covered her face with her hands and her shoulders began to shake the way they did when she was crying. Jan-Erik’s tears ceased abruptly. He got up from the floor hurriedly and went over and patted her on the arm.

‘I’m sorry, Mamma, I’m sorry. I do want you to come, much more than I want Pappa, I promise. I’m sorry.’

Annika came back with a glass of water. Their mother wiped her eyes and put the glass on the nightstand.

‘All right then. We’ll say that. I’ll talk to Axel and make sure he comes too.’