Shadowspell

Chapter Eleven

There was a lot of fuss and commotion after the Wild Hunt left, but I was in something of a state of shock and don’t remember much about it. I remember Kimber having hysterics—she and Ethan fought constantly, but he was her brother, after all. I was in no shape to comfort her, and I doubted she’d have wanted my comfort anyway. It was because of me that the Erlking had taken Ethan, and a crushing sense of guilt almost overwhelmed my grief.

Dad and I ended up going to his house while Finn escorted Kimber home. Dad deposited me on the living room sofa, then headed upstairs to release my mom from her guest room/prison cell and tell her what happened.

I was out of tears by then, and a kind of numbness had settled over me. Unfortunately, the numbness didn’t stop the guilt from gnawing away at me. The Erlking had used me to provoke Ethan into attacking him, and that made the whole thing my fault. Worse, I couldn’t help thinking that the Erlking’s interest in Ethan was entirely because of me in the first place.

I heard my mom and dad come downstairs, but I was too miserable to bother looking at them. Dad came to join me in the living room, and I could hear my mom clattering around in the kitchen, which meant she was making tea. Ugh. If I never saw another cup of tea again, it would be too soon.

No one said anything for a long time. I pried off my shoes, then put my feet on the sofa and hugged my knees to my chest. Dad sat on the love seat, staring at his hands. My mom brought in the tea tray and poured three cups in silence. I ignored mine.

“Tell me about Connor,” I said to my dad when the silence became too much to bear. The fact that I had a brother I’d never even known about hadn’t sunk in yet, which was maybe just as well.

Dad sighed heavily and shook his head. At first, I thought that meant he wasn’t going to talk about it, but he surprised me.

“My firstborn,” he said, his eyes fixed on the steam that rose from his tea. His voice was scratchy. He cleared his throat and took a sip of tea, but he didn’t sound any better when he continued.

“Long ago, when the Erlking hunted unchecked through Faerie, I was Titania’s consort.”

I gasped. My dad had been described to me, before I’d met him, as “one of the great Seelie lords.” I knew that meant he was an important figure in the Seelie Court—though technically, as a citizen of Avalon, he wasn’t supposed to owe allegiance to the Court—but it had never occurred to me that he had once been the Queen’s consort.

“She rarely keeps a consort more than a century or so, but those who have provided her with offspring tend to last longer. I know she was tiring of me near the end, was already looking for my replacement. But then she had Connor, and I rose in her esteem once more.

“My son won me another century by Titania’s side. But then she decided it was time to put a stop to the Erlking’s marauding. She sent a contingent of Knights, led by Connor, to hunt him down and kill him. Only, as I’ve told you, the Erlking cannot be killed. He and his Huntsmen killed all the Knights in Connor’s army, but he decided to send a more … powerful message to Titania by binding Connor to the Wild Hunt. It was Connor’s abduction that finally convinced both the Queens that they had to make a deal with the Erlking.”

“A deal that didn’t include letting Connor go?” I asked, my voice rising despite the numbness. I would have thought freeing her son would have been Titania’s primary motivation in making a deal with the Erlking. Then again, the Fae are not human, and the ones who live in Faerie don’t even make a pretense at it.

Dad closed his eyes in obvious pain. “I know she tried to get him back,” he said. “But the Erlking wouldn’t give him up.” He opened his eyes and looked at me, and although I could still see the pain in his expression, there was sympathy as well. “It is a point of pride with him never to release anyone he has captured.”

My throat tightened, and my eyes stung, hinting that maybe I wasn’t all cried out after all. “There has to be a way…” I started to say before the tightness of my throat stopped my voice.

“Titania herself couldn’t find a way to make him release Connor,” my dad said, shaking his head. “Ethan is gone, too, and there will be no saving him.”

I swallowed the protest that wanted to rise to my lips. Maybe the Seelie Queen hadn’t had the kind of leverage I had with the Erlking. After all, she wasn’t a Faeriewalker. She couldn’t give him access to the mortal world.

My thoughts came to a screeching halt. Yeah, I might have something the Erlking wanted. But I’d already determined it was something I could never give him. I’d seen how easily and remorselessly the Erlking killed. I couldn’t unleash him on the defenseless humans of the mortal world. Not even to save Ethan.

“I know what he wants from you, Dana,” my dad said, and I supposed it wasn’t hard for anyone who knew I was a Faeriewalker to figure that out. “You mustn’t give it to him.”

Anger welled in my chest, and I’d probably have said something I’d later wish to take back if my mom hadn’t startled me by putting her arms around me and pulling me into a hug.

“Give our daughter more credit than that, Seamus,” she said, and she sounded about as angry as I felt. “I can’t even believe you would consider the possibility that she would help the Wild Hunt enter the mortal world.”

I felt my dad’s hand briefly touching the top of my head, though I hadn’t heard him move from the love seat to the sofa.

“The Erlking is an ancient evil,” he said, and I think he meant the words for both of us. “He is a master at getting what he wants, and a sixteen-year-old girl—no matter how sensible she might be—is no match for him.”

I pulled away from my mother’s arms and glared at him. “Just stop it, okay? I don’t want to be sensible right now! Can’t you at least wait until tomorrow to try to convince me you’re always right about everything?”

I knew that wasn’t what he was trying to do, but right that moment, I didn’t care. I didn’t want logic or reality or morality. I just wanted to be comforted, to be told everything was going to be okay, even though it wasn’t.

The Fae are reserved by nature, and seeing Connor had shaken my dad enough that he’d actually let me see how he was feeling for a while. But it wasn’t enough. I wanted the father I’d always daydreamed about having, the one who would protect me and nurture me and love me. Not the one who would try to explain to me after the worst day of my life that it would be wrong for me to let a homicidal maniac loose in the mortal world.

Suddenly, I couldn’t stand to be in his presence anymore. I sprang up from the couch, shaking off my father’s arm when he tried to reach for me. The bedroom upstairs was no longer mine, but my mother’s; however, it was the only place I could think of to go to get away from my dad.

With a fresh round of tears already on their way, I slammed open the door to the stairwell and charged up the stairs two at a time.

It took a while to get control of myself again. Every time I thought the tears were going to slack off, I’d come up with a new round of reasons why everything that had gone wrong was my fault. If only I’d found the strength to just deal with my mom and her problem, I’d never have come to Avalon, and Ethan would never have been captured by the Erlking.

The only thing that finally allowed me to stop the pity party was my absolute determination not to give up on Ethan. My dad might think it was impossible to save him from the Wild Hunt, but damn it, I was going to find a way. Without letting the Erlking go on a killing spree.

I went into the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face, then made the mistake of looking at myself in the mirror. I was not a pretty sight. My eyes were all red and puffy, and my hair was stuck to the tear tracks on my cheeks. I took a couple deep breaths, then cleaned myself up as best I could. My eyes still looked like crap when I was done, but at least I’d managed to brush out the tangles in my hair and get it pulled back into a neat ponytail.

My plan was to go downstairs and apologize to my dad for blowing up at him. I still thought he should have known I wouldn’t lead the Wild Hunt out into the mortal world for their version of fun and games, but I knew I’d overreacted. After all, it was obvious that seeing Connor had hurt him. Much as losing Ethan hurt me, I doubted it could compare to the pain of losing a son.

My mom intercepted me before I could go talk to my dad. She was waiting for me when I stepped out of the bathroom.

“I know you haven’t grown to love tea,” she said, holding up a mug, “so I made you some coffee.”

Damn if my throat didn’t start tightening again. I swallowed hard and managed to hold it together. “Thanks,” I said, taking the mug from her and wrapping my hands around it. The only coffee my dad kept in the house was instant, but it was better than nothing. I took a sip and managed not to grimace. At least it was warm and soothing.

Mom sat on the edge of the bed, then patted the mattress beside her to indicate I should sit down. Despite my intention to apologize to my dad, I can’t say I was in any hurry, so I was perfectly happy to obey. She put her hand on my back and rubbed up and down while I sipped my coffee. I usually would have shaken her off, but right now, I was too desperate for comfort.

“You really like this boy, don’t you?” she asked softly.

I squirmed a bit. Mom and I didn’t exactly have a warm and cuddly relationship. I’d never talked boys with her, and I certainly hadn’t told her much about Ethan. I didn’t exactly feel like talking now, but Mom was reaching out to me in a way she never had when she was drinking. If I shrugged her off, she might never try it again.

“I guess,” I told her. “It’s kind of complicated, though.”

I didn’t look at her, but I could hear her smile in her voice. “It always is.”

I made a little sound that was almost a laugh, then took another sip of terrible coffee as I gathered my thoughts. “I don’t think it would make a difference if I hated his guts,” I said. “I’d still feel awful that he was hurt because of me.”

“It’s not your fault, honey.”

I shook my head. “Yes, it is. The only reason the Erlking targeted Ethan was because of me. If I’d just listened to you when you’d tried to warn me about Avalon…” It showed a bit about my state of mind that I would actually make that argument. My mom had told me so many conflicting stories about my dad and about Avalon that I’d had no idea what to believe. I’d finally decided I would have to see for myself, and that’s what had started this whole nightmare.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my mother wince. “That’s hardly your fault,” she said, looking unhappy. “I know I didn’t make it easy for you to know what to believe. Maybe if I hadn’t tried to embellish the story to make you not want to come…”

Maybe she hoped I would let her off the hook for that, but I wasn’t about to. We were having a warm, mother/daughter moment here, but that certainly didn’t mean I was ready to forgive her for the wreck she’d made of her life and mine.

She shook her head and continued as if she hadn’t been expecting me to say anything. “Then again, if you hadn’t come, you’d never have met your father. I know he’s not perfect, and I hate that you’ve had to go through so much, but I am glad you got to meet him. And that he got to meet you. I always felt so terrible about hiding you from him…”

“Did you know about Connor?” I asked, watching her face carefully in search of a lie. I don’t know whether knowing I had a half-brother would have had any effect on me, either growing up or since I came to Avalon, but it would be yet another strike against her if she’d known and hadn’t told me. And seeing as she hadn’t told my dad he had a daughter, I couldn’t help suspecting her.

“No,” she answered, and something about the pained look in her eyes convinced me she was telling the truth. “He never talked about it. I knew he’d lost someone who mattered to him to the Wild Hunt, but I didn’t know who it was, and I didn’t know whether ‘lost’ meant dead, or captured.”

“Would you have told me if you’d known?”

Back when she was drinking, Mom didn’t hesitate to lie to me. It didn’t matter how blatant the lie was, or how obviously I didn’t believe her—if it was a choice between telling the distasteful truth or making something up, she’d make something up. I suspect this particular question would have warranted a lie in her mind back then; now she told me the truth with a grimace.

“Probably not, honey,” she admitted. “What purpose could it possibly have served?”

On the one hand, I was glad she was being honest with me. On the other hand, she was honestly telling me that she wouldn’t have told me the truth.

I shook my head at her. “Why would it have had to serve a purpose? Wouldn’t I have the right to know I had a brother? I’m not a little kid anymore, Mom. You don’t need to protect my delicate sensibilities, or whatever the hell you think you need to do.”

I couldn’t miss the hurt in my mom’s eyes. Great. First I’d picked a fight with Dad, now I was going for round two with Mom. I could hardly expect myself to be Little Miss Sunshine under the circumstances, but I knew better than to lash out like that.

“Sorry,” I mumbled, looking away from the hurt in her eyes.

She reached over and patted my back. “It’s all right, honey. I know you’re angry with me. You have every right to be.”

I bit my tongue. Hard. She still didn’t have a clue why I was angry with her. After all, we’d already established that she wouldn’t admit she had a drinking problem. If she didn’t have a drinking problem, then I couldn’t be angry with her about it, right?

Someday, I was going to totally lose it and we were going to have a screaming argument about her drinking. But I didn’t have the energy for it today. I just wanted to go home, crawl into bed, and pull the covers over my head. So I kept my mouth shut and stuffed my anger back down into its hiding place, where it could fester some more.