Siren Beloved

Chapter Fifteen

The cup of coffee fell to the floor, splattering across his pants. Aidan felt the burning heat, but it didn’t register.

“What did you say?” he asked because his mind couldn’t quite make the connection.

Lucas got to his feet. There was a somber air surrounding him. He walked over and picked up the cup. “I’m going to go and get us all some coffee. I think the two of you need to talk.”

The door closed behind Lucas, and Aidan was left alone with Lexi.

She sat for a moment, the tension palpable in the air between them. Aidan wanted to be closer to her, but he could feel the wall there. “I said Brandon was our son.”

“You were pregnant? How were you pregnant?” Even as he said the words, he knew how stupid they were, but his brain wasn’t functioning. All he could see was Lexi sitting there telling him he had a son. How could he have a son?

The words that came out of her mouth dripped with sarcasm, but her face was flat, with none of her normal animation, like she was a doll and someone had pulled her string. “The normal way, Aidan. See when a girl and her undercover bisexual boyfriend love each other very much…”

“Don’t you dare joke about this.”

That blank face moved just a bit, her mouth turning down slightly. “I’m sorry. I hide behind it. I know I do.”

He had a son. She was telling him he had a son. Lucas had known. She’d told Lucas, but not him.

“Stop. Just stop. Just tell me.” He needed the story, and he didn’t want to have to wade through Lexi’s bullshit.

She stuttered and grasped at the edges of her gown. She looked so young sitting there. How young had she been when she’d had their baby? Where was their baby? His mind was a chaotic mess of questions, but that one screamed through his brain. If Lexi had their baby, where was he? Was he being raised by someone else? How was he going to get his kid back? Because if he had a kid out there in the world, Aidan wanted him. Had she been so mad at him she couldn’t handle the thought of raising his child? It just didn’t compute. Lexi had always wanted children. They had talked about it the night they got engaged. And Lucas would have gladly stepped in. Hell, Lucas would have married her and put his own name on the birth certificate if she’d wanted it. A sick feeling opened in the pit of Aidan’s stomach.

Lexi would never have given up her baby no matter how mad she was at his father.

“I didn’t know I was pregnant when you left. I had no idea. I actually think it might have happened that night. The timing was right.” Her voice took on a monotone, devoid of all emotion. She stared at her hands as though it was too painful to look anywhere else. Aidan wanted to go and grasp her hands, to force her to look at him and just fucking tell him what had happened to his son.

He stopped and was still. He knew this woman. Though there was a part of him that wanted to rage at her for keeping this secret, he knew the only reason she had was the pain he’d caused her.

“When did you find out, angel?” It was easier to shove down the anger when he realized how much this was costing her.

“Uhm, about a month after you left. Lucas came down for the weekend. I was moving out of our apartment, and I passed out. Lucas freaked and made me see a doctor who told us that I was pregnant.”

He’d been in Basic by then. He’d been getting the shit kicked out of him. He’d thought after that first day of training that he’d be so tired he’d be able to sleep without thinking of them, but he’d been wrong. He’d closed his eyes and they were there, holding their arms out and taunting him with everything he couldn’t accept. While he was pushing them away, Lexi had been pregnant with his baby.

Lexi continued. “You have to understand, Aidan. You were gone. I was in a state of shock. I made the doctor do the test again. I went out and bought five boxes of tests. I couldn’t be pregnant. I said a lot of things back then. I told Lucas I didn’t want the baby. I told him I was going to fix the situation.”

The words cut at his heart, but damn, he understood them. Lexi railed and fought against anything she viewed as unfair. She said things she didn’t mean when she was mad. It would have been worse than just mad. She would have been afraid.

“I didn’t. I mean, I didn’t really ever plan to. I was just being a bitch.”

He put a hand on her back, needing the connection to her. “You were mad, baby. It’s all right. Tell me what happened.”

He knew. He could feel the tears slipping from his eyes. His child was dead. Julian had mentioned an accident. It didn’t take much to put two and two together. His child had been gone for a long time, but Lexi was here. Lexi was still in pain.

“I pretended it wasn’t happening. Lucas tried to get me to tell my mom, but I wouldn’t. I made him promise not to tell. It was easy, because after that one fainting episode, I didn’t even notice I was pregnant. I told myself I would decide what to do later. I told myself I could make an appointment the next day, but I never did, and one day it was too late.”

She’d put it off because she hadn’t really wanted to make an appointment. She wouldn’t have been able to go through with it. But she hadn’t been ready to admit she wanted the baby. Aidan had lived with her long enough to know what had happened. And now he could see what was wrong between them. He just wasn’t sure he could fix her.

“I never bought anything, you know. I didn’t buy a baby name book. I didn’t buy little socks. I didn’t even buy maternity clothes. I didn’t run around telling my girlfriends about it. I only told Lucas.”

Aidan felt a sob threatening. God, he wanted to cry. He wanted to scream and pound into something until his fists bled. He swallowed it all down and sat down beside her. “How did he die?”

Her head was down, but he could see the tears falling like raindrops against her clenched hands. “I was driving to Dallas. It was late, really late. I shouldn’t have been on the road, but I couldn’t stand being alone. I had to see Lucas. I didn’t even call and tell him because he would have insisted on driving down to pick me up. I didn’t want to wait five hours. The car came out of nowhere. One minute I was driving and the next some paramedic was pulling me out of my car. I was in and out for a while. I had a concussion, but otherwise I was fine. I was five months along, but you could barely tell I was pregnant. It was hours before they did a sonogram. There was no heartbeat. No movement. A couple of days later they induced labor, and he was stillborn.”

Aidan sat back, his whole body numb. If he’d been with her, she wouldn’t have been on the road that night. He would have treated her like fragile glass.

“He was so tiny, and I never told him I loved him. I know babies don’t understand, but I never said it. I didn’t even feel it until he was gone. Do you think he knew I didn’t want him at first?”

“No,” Aidan forced the words out of his mouth. “No, angel. He knew what was in your heart. This wasn’t your fault.”

It was his. He’d walked out. He’d never even considered that she could be pregnant. He’d simply left because she wouldn’t conform to his vision of how life should be. Because she wouldn’t leave behind a man she loved for another man who couldn’t accept that he loved them both. He’d walked out with only a suitcase of his clothes and his guitar. He’d left everything else behind, a mess for her to clean up. He’d left behind the couch they’d bought at a garage sale. He’d left the books she’d bought for him. He’d left the table where he’d made love to her that first night they moved in, when everything had seemed possible. He’d left it behind like it was trash when it had been their lives.

“Lucas had to name him. They made a death certificate. Lucas had to name him and make the arrangements.”

Yes, Lucas had been the one to do all the things Aidan should have done. Lucas had stepped up. Lucas had tried his damndest to hold everything together. Lucas had needed him, too.

“The man who hit me accepted a plea. I was grateful for that. I couldn’t have handled a trial. It also kept me off my stepdad’s radar. Jack was happy with him going to jail. He was even happier when the dude broke his parole and ended up back there. As far as he knew, I was okay after all. I moved to Dallas to be close to Lucas, and I tried to forget.”

But she hadn’t. Aidan could see that plainly. She’d been drowning in grief, and he’d been gone. Now he’d walked back in demanding that she give him a second chance. He’d gotten her fired and tricked her into seeing him again.

Guilt weighed on him.

“I’m sorry, Aidan.”

She was weeping openly, her body curving in on itself as though she could block out the pain. Or maybe, he thought as he watched her, because she didn’t believe she deserved comfort.

Aidan gathered her in his arms, praying she wouldn’t reject him. He hadn’t been there when she’d needed him, but he was here now. Her arms wrapped around him as she sobbed out her grief.

“It wasn’t your fault, Lexi. None of it was your fault.” Her grand crime had been loving two men. Her crime had been refusing to settle for a life that would have made all three of them miserable. “You have to know that you would have made a hell of a mother. You would have loved him because you don’t know how to do anything else. You can’t hold this in anymore. This is a poison that’s killing you. You have to grieve.”

Aidan understood death. He’d lost his mother and his father. He’d lost his career. He’d lost her and Lucas. Grief could break a person, but if it was shared, if the burden was spread among loved ones, grief could be freeing. When his mother had died, he’d held on to his brother. When he’d lost his father and his ability to play the guitar, all that had kept him afloat was the thought of getting back his loves. He might not deserve her forgiveness, but he was going to ask for it. He would do whatever it took to never fail her again.

It washed over him like a river. He’d lost so much, but he had a chance to fix things if he didn’t give in to his guilt. Guilt wouldn’t bring back his child. Guilt wouldn’t fix Lexi. Love, really loving her, and dedicating his life to her and Lucas was the only thing that might fix it. His first instinct had been to slink away because he didn’t deserve her, but that was cowardly, too.

Instead, he let go of her and sank to his knees. He didn’t try to stop his tears. He let his grief flow. He knelt in front of her like a penitent. “Please forgive me, Lexi.”

This was what he should have done in the first place, he thought as her hand came out to stroke his hair. He should have walked in and dropped to his not fully functional knees and begged. He’d thought he needed to prove he had changed, but he owed her his pleas. She’d tossed her pride aside by begging him not to leave. Pride had no place if it kept them apart.

“Aidan, you didn’t do this. I kept it from you. I should have told you. I should have called you when I knew.” Something inside her seemed to have eased. Her face was puffy and red. She’d never cried prettily. When Lexi cried, it was with passion. She cried like a woman, and he still thought she was beautiful.

“I walked out. I walked away from the best thing that ever happened to me.” Aidan kept talking because she was listening, finally listening, and he wasn’t about to waste this chance. “I love you so much. You’re a part of me. You’re the best part of me. I don’t care if you hate me for the rest of your life, I’ll follow you. I’ll make sure you’re safe, because that’s what I was born to do.”

“Aidan, I understand that you feel guilty, but it could have happened even if you had been here. I still could have lost him.”

“But I would have been here to grieve with you, angel. I would have mourned and taken care of you. I would have buried our boy, and I would have clung to you like a goddamn life raft, because that’s what people in love do.”

“I thought you would hate me.” She was calmer, though the tears continued. “I thought you would blame me for not telling you.”

“I would have come back, Lexi. Hell, by that time I was looking for excuses, but in the end, I walked out. I should have stayed and fought, but I was a pussy. I won’t do it again. Kick me out and I’ll sleep on the porch, but I won’t walk. I’m here for life, Lexi.”

She pulled her hand away, her eyes narrowing as she started to weep again. “I feel like I’m in a corner, and I don’t know how to get out. I’ve been here for so long, I just don’t know how.”

Lucas’s slow and steady voice came from the doorway. “Just step out, baby. We’re here for you. I know you feel like you painted yourself into that corner, but no one wants you there.”

“I’ll have to tell my mom. She’s going to be so upset.”

“I think she’ll understand. She asked me the other day why you never played with Josh. It bothers her that you love Olivia, but you don’t even look at Josh. No one is going to be mad at you, Lexi.” Lucas’s face was solemn. It was obvious to Aidan that he wanted to join them, but he held himself apart. “I’m a different story. I didn’t call you either, Aidan. I knew I should, but I didn’t, because I didn’t want to lose her. It was selfish, and it cost her. If I had, she might not have gotten here.”

Lexi quickly stepped in. “Don’t blame Lucas. He made me see a therapist, but I knew what to say. I knew how to smile and act through all the steps she wanted me to go through. I didn’t want to give up my grief because it was the only thing I had left of Aidan. I’m sorry.”

Aidan stood and hauled her into his arms. “Never say you’re sorry. Don’t ever apologize for loving someone. We’ve all made mistakes. We can’t let that hold us back. We’ve wasted too much time.”

He held Lexi in one arm and held his hand out for Lucas.

Lucas shook his head. “This is for you and Lexi. I just came back to make sure you’re okay. I’ll give you two some time alone.”

Aidan hardened his voice. “You will not, Lucas. You will come here, and you will stand by your family. This only works if we share everything.”

“Please, Lucas,” Lexi pled. “We all lost him.”

Lucas broke, his handsome face contorting in sadness as he staggered toward them. He practically fell against them. Their arms wrapped around each other as they cried and comforted. They were a circle against anything outside. For that moment, this was the whole world.

They were together finally, and it was enough for Aidan.

Deep in the night, Dwight watched as Aidan stepped out of the hospital doors. He looked cautiously one way and then the next, as though he sensed he was prey.

Fucker just wouldn’t die. Why wouldn’t he die?

Dwight pulled the binoculars from his eyes as Bo’s car pulled up. He ground out his last cigarette in the dirt beneath his feet. There were too many of them to try anything else now. Besides, Karen was utterly passed out in her wrecked SUV just up the road.

He started to hike back through the woods across from the clinic. It had been a brilliant plan. Karen had made an ass of herself at the fair, and then he’d made sure she got rip-roaring drunk at the road house on the edge of town. After two margaritas, he’d talked her into a few shots. That was when she’d started talking about taking out the bitch who took her man.

She was so easy to manipulate. Dwight picked up the pace after shoving the binoculars back in his pack. His car was back at the fairgrounds, not far from Karen’s house. It would be a simple thing to tell the cops he’d dropped Karen off and then gone back to get his car. If anyone asked, he would say he’d met up with some tourist in the parking lot and spent a little time with her. Everyone knew he was a ladies’ man.

No one would question him. After all, he was an American hero.

Karen, on the other hand, was a drunken former beauty queen who everyone knew had a bad temper and even worse judgment. No one would be terribly surprised that she’d gotten behind the wheel and tried to kill her ex-boyfriend. All anyone at that fair had been talking about was the fact that Aidan O’Malley had kissed another man and how they pitied poor Karen who hadn’t been able to see that Aidan was gay.

Dwight broke into a jog. He’d hated the Army, but they had known how to whip a man into shape. He’d kept up his physical training. He could easily cross the two and half miles between the clinic and the fairgrounds in fifteen minutes. He would take the back roads home. He lived in the foreman’s house set off a bit from the main house. If he turned the lights off, no one would notice him driving in late.

It was all going bad. Aidan was close to making a breakthrough. He’d seen it earlier in the day. Aidan was remembering more and more. That stupid dog didn’t help. The dog had stood over Aidan’s body that terrible day, barking and growling any time Dwight had gotten close. If he’d been able to get past the fucking dog, maybe he could have taken care of the problem, but by then the firefight was over, and he could hear the other squad coming in. They might have questioned a burst of gunfire, and he couldn’t get close enough to slit the dumb animal’s throat.

Now the dog stood as a symbol of all Dwight stood to lose. The animal was a touchstone, constantly calling Aidan back to that day. If Aidan remembered, the case would be reopened, and Dwight would be reviled and possibly sent to jail if they could figure out that he’d purposefully shot two of the men so they couldn’t tell what he’d done.

He didn’t regret it. He wasn’t about to give up his life for a simple mistake anyone could have made. The gun had a loose trigger. The US Army spent shit supplying their soldiers. If a soldier wanted top-of-the-line body armor, his family had to pay for it. Dwight didn’t have a fucking family. He didn’t have anything. That was why he’d gone into the Army in the first place.

He made it to his car. He’d parked at the edge of the lot, and the whole place was dark and empty. He slipped into his car and started it, leaving the lights off.

His cell phone was blinking, indicating a message. He checked the number. Karen.

“Dwight? Dwight? What happened? I woke up in my car. I think I’m in a ditch. Where are you? I feel terrible, and I can’t remember anything.”

There was the distinct sound of sirens in the background as Karen talked. He felt a little smile spread across his face.

“Dwight, the cops are here. Oh, where are you? Please come help me.”

Dwight felt a sense of relief as he shut off his phone. At least something had gone right tonight. They would find her there, disoriented, in a car that was obviously damaged by side and front impact. The cops here would put two and two together and never think about it again. Everyone would talk about the beauty queen’s fall. He was safe.

But it didn’t fix his problem. Aidan was still alive.

That had to change and soon. It was time to take out the problem once and for all. After tomorrow, Aidan would be gone, and Dwight would be free.