Skin Deep

52

SUMMER 1975

Becky was right. He had become Lila’s puppy.

But Becky didn’t know the half of it. Lila in her craziness had twisted mother love into something unrecognizable. Spread over the years she had done it with so gentle a madness that it was as addictive as it was scary. She had romanced him, brought him places he could not imagine. Made him her boy toy. As the years passed, he became certain that it was wrong, that she had betrayed a trust, leaving him confused and ashamed.

But that night with the stocking had done something to him, put some kind of hex on him. He didn’t think it was medical—a crushed urethra, ruptured organ, something physical. No, that stocking was like a tourniquet around his libido. He could still become aroused by sexual fantasies. But he could not for some time sustain the arousal to achieve pleasure. Lila had ruined that.

At the same time, she had left him with a dark and impossible longing he could do nothing about. So, he followed her around, hoping she’d snap her fingers and reverse the spell. But that wouldn’t happen. That fancy lace stocking had become a punishing noose that had left him suspended between wanting her and fearing her, loving her and loathing her. At times wishing he were dead. Wishing she were dead.

Likewise for years she had spoiled all other females for him, making herself his gold standard. As everybody said, she was a classic beauty—a woman blessed with a goddess face. As a boy growing up, he had taken her appearance for granted, never having thought of her as having or not having beauty. Young kids didn’t think in those terms. Not until his teen years did he become aware of Lila’s specialness.

It was also when he began to suspect that his father was right—that she was crazy. Her mood swings were so violent and unpredictable, her demons so tangible, her suffering so consuming, that he could only guess at whatever abuse she had grown up with. Although his father was never physically hurtful, it was an angry and unfulfilling marriage—and one that had scarred him.

But there was still hope, and it took form and substance at a wedding.

It was a big elegant affair held at the Ralph Waldo Emerson Inn in Rockport, Massachusetts. The couple, friends of his father, got married at five in the afternoon under a canopy on a grassy cliff over the ocean. After the ceremony, a full dinner reception was held in the inn’s restaurant.

He and his parents sat at a large round table that held about a dozen people. Everybody was dressed to the nines. But nobody, including the bride, was a match for Lila, who wore a sleek designer gown made of shiny black and gold markings that made him think of an exotic African cat. Her glazed copper hair was done up in twists and curls that tumbled down the sides of her head, framing her perfectly sculpted features and large sapphire blue eyes. Sporting a modest suntan, she looked like the icon of some goddess found in the tomb of an ancient pharaoh. When she moved, intoxicating eddies of Shalimar trailed her and so did all eyes.

Sitting on the other side of her was his father, who was maybe six feet tall and twenty pounds overweight. In his closely cropped hair and broad shoulders he was every bit the airline pilot—a guy who had spent four years in the Air Force and flown fighter jets in the Korean War. Dressed in a gray suit, white shirt, and dark tie, he looked more like Lila’s bodyguard than her husband.

At the rear of the room was a five-piece ensemble and a female singer. After dinner, the lights dimmed and people began to dance. His father was not a good dancer, and he sat out the slow numbers. But he liked the fast songs and pulled Lila to the floor when one caught his fancy. The problem was that his style was embarrassingly overdone as he flashed his arms and moved big-hippedly. By contrast, Lila moved with feline elegance, looking like a cheetah forced to dance with a rhinoceros.

But Lila went through the fast numbers with her eyes closed as if doing solos. The slow numbers she just could not sit out, so she danced with some of the husbands at their table. When the band played “Misty,” she asked the groom, who jumped to his feet and moved to the dance floor while the bride and her family hooted them on. Meanwhile Kirk drank his scotch and watched, saying nothing. His mood was hard to read, but he was drinking one scotch after another. Kirk was a bad drunk, so when the waiter came by for refills, he whispered, “Dad, think maybe you’ve had enough?”

Kirk flashed his son a hot glassy look. “Uh, when I need your advice I’ll ask for it.” And he ordered another scotch and water.

In spite of him, Lila was feeling particularly expansive. The other day Harry Dobbs had called to say that the casting director of a new Martin Scorsese film had invited her to try out for a speaking part they were shooting in Manhattan. He had seen her in another movie and liked her look. Next week she was to go to New York for the screen test. When she returned from her dance amidst compliments, his father raised his glass. “By the way, folks, Lila’s going to be in a movie.”

“She is?” squealed one woman at the table.

“Kirk, it’s only a screen test.”

“Yeah, but she’ll get the part, guaranteed.”

The others leaned forward for Lila to fill them in. “It’s being directed by Martin Scorsese.”

“I’ve heard of him,” said one man. “Didn’t he do Mean Streets?”

“Yes. With what’s his name—Robert De Niro.”

“Wow.”

“I like him. Who else is in it?”

“Cybill Shepherd, who was in Last Picture Show.”

“Lila, this is really big-time. Congratulations.”

“What’s the name of the movie?”

“Taxi Driver.”

“Is it a comedy?”

“Not quite. But, listen, I haven’t got the part yet.” She was clearly embarrassed by the attention.

“Well, if you ask me,” his father boomed, “she’s a shoo-in. Tell them what the part is.”

Lila made a dismissive gesture with her hand. “That’s not important.”

“Well, I’ll tell them. It’s an aging prostitute who mentors a fourteen-year-old. She’s got it hands down.” He snorted a laugh.

Some of the others began to chuckle but stopped when it was clear that Kirk was on the attack. “Go ahead,” he said to her with glazed wild eyes. “Recite some lines.”

Lila’s face flamed. “Kirk, I think you’ve had enough to drink.”

“Christ, don’t you start, too.”

The band began to play “You Are My Destiny” and Lila grabbed the boy’s hand and pulled him to the dance floor.

“But I don’t know how to dance.”

“Follow me,” she said, and led him into the middle of the couples. He was as tall as she in heels. He put his head against her ear. “Why do you stay with him? He’s such a fucking asshole.”

She pulled her head back with a look of shock. “Because he’s my husband. And where did you learn such language?”

“From him,” he snapped. “Please divorce him. He’s ruining your life.”

“And what would happen to you?”

“I’d live with you. Really. It could be great.”

“And how would we live, on your good looks?”

“No, you’ll be in movies and I could get a job.”

“You’re talking crazy. You’re not even sixteen. You’re still in school.”

“Do you love him?”

“Aren’t we getting a little personal?”

“Do you?”

She thought that over for a moment. “I don’t know anymore.”

“You don’t. You shouldn’t. He’s a jerk.”

“You’re talking about your own father,” she whispered.

“I don’t care. I hate him.”

“Maybe we should drop the subject.”

“He abuses you, insults you in front of others. He’s a goddamn pig of a man.”

“Calm down and dance, okay?” She squeezed his hand. “And I don’t like you swearing.”

He didn’t say anything for a while and followed her lead. She was so smooth and supple it was like dancing with someone made of taffy.

“Promise me you’ll think about it.”

“Okay.”

“And if you get the part in the movie you won’t even need him anymore.”

“That’s not going to make me rich.”

“But it’s a start. And I know you’ll get it because you’re great.”

“And you’re sweet. No more.” She gently pressed against him as she led him to the music.

He closed his eyes as the Shalimar filled his head like dreams, and the song lulled him into a dark warm place. He caressed her shoulder. “I love you,” he whispered.

She kissed him on the cheek. “That’s part of the problem.”

“What do you mean?”

But before she could respond, he felt a sharp stab between his shoulder blades.

“May I cut in?” His father’s big offensive red face filled his vision.

“What?”

“I’m saying I’d like to dance with my wife, if you don’t mind.”

“Well, I mind,” Lila said.

“Pardon me?” Kirk glared at her as he weaved in place from the alcohol.

“I’m tired of dancing anyway,” she said, and started to leave when Kirk grabbed her arm.

“Well, you don’t look it. In fact, you’re making quite a little spectacle of yourselves.”

“Kirk, you’re stinking drunk.”

“And you’re a stinking slut.”

The people around them were stunned in place. Lila snapped away and walked across the room and out the French doors and onto the patio. He shot after her, and Kirk came after them.

“Get away from me!” she shouted.

“No, I won’t get away from you.”

Kirk raised his hand, but the boy grabbed his arm. “Don’t you touch her, you pig.”

Just then three men burst through the doors laughing and talking loudly. Kirk caught himself and lowered his hand. But the look in his eye told him that were they alone his father would have whaled him. “Pig am I? Well, sonny boy, maybe there’s something you should know about your dear old stepmother.”

“Kirk! You keep your fat mouth shut.”

But he disregarded her. “Seems dear little Lila, she was brought up in good ole Southern hillbilly tradition.”

Lila slapped his chest with the flat of her hand. “Shut up! Shut up!”

“See, her mother and father didn’t have much of a marriage—”

“Shut up.”

But he continued. “She was her daddy’s little princess. A way to get back at dear old Mom, who spent more time in church than she did in bed. Then Lila disappeared for a few months. So did her kid. Let’s see, did that make him your son or your brother?”

Lila flew at him and grabbed his shirt like a cat. But he clamped his hands on her wrists and bent them painfully until she cried out.

“Leave her alone.” And he picked up a heavy glass ashtray fashioned after a clamshell, and came down with it to the side of Kirk’s head. But at the last moment Kirk deflected the blow, sending the ashtray flying.

Lila swung at him, screaming, but Kirk pushed her off him.

She bolted from the patio. “Nice wholesome family!” he shouted after her.

“I hate you, Dad. I wish you were dead.” He ran after Lila.

He found her in the parking lot at the front of the inn. She had found their car and he got in and they drove home, where she got her things and some money and made him pack.

Then they drove off to a motel where Lila said they would sleep in separate beds. That was fine with him because as he lay in the darkness of their rented room, he knew that evening was a turning point. He didn’t know what the outcome would be, but he knew that they had passed a point of no return: that she could live without his father.