Skippy Dies: A Novel

Ed’s Doughnut House is always half-empty on a Friday night, when anybody with a life and a fake ID heads somewhere that serves alcohol. But KellyAnn is going to die if she doesn’t get a Double-Chocolate Wonderwheel. So here they are.

‘It’s like I totally crave them all the time,’ she says, licking chocolate off her fingers. ‘I can’t explain it, it’s like this weird craving?’ After allowing a moment for suggestions that do not arrive, KellyAnn makes the connection for herself. ‘It must be because I’m pregnant,’ she says thoughtfully.

Janine rolls her eyes.

‘Oh my God, these are so… gorgeous,’ KellyAnn pronounces, through a mouthful of caramel gunk. ‘Are you sure you don’t want one?’

‘I want to get out of here,’ Janine says. ‘This place is like Loser HQ.’

‘Okay,’ KellyAnn says. She has noticed that Janine is a little snippy this evening? But she’s not going to make a big thing out of it. ‘So where’s Lori tonight?’ she says, sucking her thumbs clean.

‘Beats me,’ Janine shrugs.

‘Is she seeing that boy Daniel?’

‘I have no idea,’ Janine declares theatrically.

KellyAnn unwraps another doughnut. ‘He sounds really sweet – are you sure you don’t want one?’

‘I’m not hungry.’

‘I’m always hungry these days. I’m going to be the size of a house!’ She chortles to herself, then remembers, ‘Yeah, Titch knows him. He doesn’t sound like Lori’s type exactly? Like he’s slightly a dweeb? But he sounds nice. And anyone’s going to be better than that psycho Carl. Like, oh my God. He’s totally going to wind up on like America’s Most Wanted.’

Janine’s eyes narrow and bore into her, and her voice is like a knife: ‘This is Ireland, KellyAnn. Not America.’

‘Yeah, but you know what I mean.’ KellyAnn reaches for a napkin and wipes her fingers one by one. ‘Like, I don’t understand how she could even be attracted to someone like that, who’s on drugs and hangs around with scumbags from the flats and cuts his own arm? I mean, hello? Probably not Mr Right?’

Janine doesn’t answer, grinds the waxy doughnut paper into a little tiny ball.

‘My mom says girls who like those kinds of boys have problems with their self-esteem,’ KellyAnn says. ‘But why would Lori have problems with her self-esteem? Every boy in South Dublin is completely in love with her.’

Now Janine mashes the paper through the slit cut for a straw in the lid of her empty beaker.

‘Like, she’s so beautiful,’ KellyAnn continues. ‘She could have any guy she wants.’

Janine doesn’t say anything to this either.

‘Anyway, I’m glad she’s found someone she can be happy with. Now all we have to do is find a nice boy for you!’

‘Don’t bother,’ Janine says.

‘Oh, Janine, don’t give up!’ KellyAnn reaches over to stroke her arm. ‘I know there’s someone out there for you!’

‘That’s what I’m afraid of.’ Janine turns at the sound of the door opening, then quickly turns back again as four more shaggy-haired losers come in through it. ‘Men are such assholes,’ she says.

‘Titch isn’t an asshole,’ KellyAnn says emphatically. ‘He cares about me.’

‘They’re all the same,’ Janine comments sweetly. ‘Now, can we please get out of here? And maybe go somewhere something might actually happen?’