Skulldoggery

6

Pearl Perkins, to continue the alliteration, was pert. She had a piquant face with wonder in its eyes and a small body that could create wonder in the eyes of others. The sum of her separate parts and talents was an effect of innocent sophistication that was almost perfect dissimulation for one of the most artful minds that ever schemed for next month’s rent. She and Lester, however, had long since reached a stage of comfortable disillusionment. For her part, she had learned that he could rarely be counted upon to pay the rent or anything else, and he, for his, that she was about as innocent as a weasel in a henhouse. This did not, strangely enough, cause their precarious relationship to disintegrate, as might have been expected, but rather to assume a somewhat safer realism in which spades were spades. He was so devilishly good-looking that it was a kind of asset just to be seen with him and removed the tediousness from certain episodes of generosity in which, for economic reasons, she sometimes found it expedient to engage. On the other hand, he simply found her so variously talented and so perfectly rapacious that she had assumed in his affections an elevated place that no one else had or could.

Tonight, having extended his credit a little further at a service station on the way, he parked his MG at the curb in front of her apartment house, and presented himself, a few minutes later, at her door. He rang and waited and rang again, after which, nothing having happened in response, he opened the door and went in. Sure enough, as he had expected, he immediately heard the faint sound of rushing water from a distant shower head, which meant that Pearl was running late with her toilet, not because she had been doing anything of any urgency beforehand, but simply because she had delayed starting until the last minute what had just as well been started earlier. He found a chair and collapsed on the back of his neck, stretching his legs and crossing his ankles, and pretty soon the sound of water stopped abruptly and was followed, after an interval sufficient for a brisk toweling, by the sound of bare feet padding across a carpet.

“Hey,” said Lester loudly.

“Oh,” Pearl said. “Is that you, Lester?”

“Yes, it is. You didn’t answer the bell, and so I just came on in.”

“I left the door unlocked for you.”

“I wish I’d known that. I could have avoided breaking it down.”

“What? What did you say?” Pearl’s head was projected suddenly through a crack in the bedroom door. “Lester, you’re the most insatiable liar imaginable. What makes you tell such whopping big lies for no good reason?”

“It’s a kind of compulsion. I’m sick.”

“Well, it makes you rather interesting, to be honest about it. I’m running a little late, as you can see.”

“My pet, you are always running a little late. I expect it and accept it.”

“That’s sweet. You’re really very sweet, Lester. Why don’t you make yourself a drink or something? There’s makings in the kitchen.”

“I’d rather come in there and talk with you.”

“Sweetie, I’m just out of the shower. I’m not decent.”

“I’m prepared to tolerate a little informality.”

“No, no, Lester. You musn’t be so impetuous. It’s far too early in the evening.”

“Oh, all right. I suppose I had better make myself a drink, then. Do you want me to make one for you?”

“Please do. I’ll be out in just a minute.”

Her head was withdrawn from the crack, and he got up and went into a small kitchen and began looking in cabinets for the makings. He knew from experience that the estimate of time until her appearance in a condition of decency was grossly optimistic, and so he poked about leisurely and found, after a while, a piece of a bottle of brandy and a bigger piece of bourbon. The rest of the makings turned out to be ice cubes and tap water, and he put some of each into two glasses with bourbon and carried the glasses back into the living room. On the back of his neck again, ankles crossed, he sipped from one glass and held the other with his left hand on the arm of the chair.

“There wasn’t any mix but water,” he said.

“I’m sorry, sweetie. I’m constantly forgetting to get things.”

“It’s all right. I put bourbon in it. Bourbon and water is a very satisfactory drink.”

“Did you make one for me?”

“I did. It’s ready and waiting for you.”

“Thank you, sweetie. I’m having a little trouble with something. I’ll be out in just another minute.”

She did not specify what it was that she was having a little trouble with, and the possibilities gave him material for pleasant speculation.

“Do you want me to help you with whatever is the trouble?” he said.

“No, no. You needn’t bother.”

“It wouldn’t be any bother.”

“There’s no need now. I’m coming right away. I’m anxious to hear how everything went regarding the funeral and the will and all.”

“I must admit that I am somewhat less than anxious to tell you.”

“What was that? I couldn’t hear you, sweetie. I had my dress over my head.”

“I said I’ll tell you when you come out.”

“Well, I’m coming. All I have to do is brush my hair. I wonder if I should have gone to the funeral.”

“Good God, no! Why should you have?”

“Oh, I don’t know. It seems little enough to do for someone who left all that money and everything. Was it just too awful?”

“I really couldn’t say. Most of the time I wasn’t paying much attention.”

“That was clever of you, sweetie. I always think the best way to survive something unpleasant is simply not to pay attention to it.”

“I’m glad you always think so, because you may soon have occasion to practice it. Damn it, Pearl, I do wish you would come out of there.”

“I’m ready, sweetie. I’m coming this instant.”

And so she was and did, wearing a black dress with a short bouffant skirt and sandals with very high thin heels to make her look taller than she was. She kissed Lester lightly on the tip of his nose, claimed her drink and curled up on the end of a sofa.

“Now, sweetie,” she said, “I’m prepared to listen, and you must tell me all about it.”

“Must I? Yes, I suppose I must. Nothing is to be gained by delaying it.”

“What are you trying to say, sweetie? I don’t like the sound of it. Did something go wrong?”

“Not exactly. I mean, things could have gone worse than they did, but they didn’t, although they may go that way yet before it’s finished.”

“Lester, I wish you wouldn’t be so devious. You are clearly trying to avoid telling me what happened. It may be necessary to sue you for breach of promise or something if you aren’t careful. Did you read the will?”

“Not verbatim. We extracted the meat of it.”

“Well, that’s just as good. It told you what your grandfather did with his money, didn’t it? Tell me directly how much you get.”

“A million and a half, more or less, in a way.”

“What the devil do you mean by more or less, in a way? Lester, it’s the most difficult thing in the world to pin you down to a candid statement. Either you get the million and a half, which would be nice, or you don’t, which would be unfortunate so far as you and I are concerned.”

“I get it, all right, but not till Senorita Fogarty dies.”

“What does Senorita Fogarty have to do with it?”

“Damn it, I just told you. Grandfather left everything in trust for her until she dies.”

“Well, what a perfectly treacherous thing to do. I don’t even know Senorita Fogarty. Who is she? Is she some nasty old woman your grandfather was keeping?”

“Not quite. It would be easier to accept if she were. To put it bluntly, Senorita Fogarty is Grandfather’s Chihuahua.”

“Don’t be absurd, Lester. A Chihuahua is a dog.”

“I know what a Chihuahua is. You don’t have to tell me.”

“Lester, sweetie, you are simply telling me the most monstrous lies. I warn you that it won’t work. I’m not so easily deceived. You could surely have thought of a more credible story than that to trick me out of what you practically promised.”

“Credible or not, it’s true. As you say, I’m not crazy enough to make it up from nothing. Only Grandfather was that crazy.”

“That’s so. It must be true, and I’ll have to believe you. Is it so bad, however? How long can Senorita Fogarty be expected to live?”

“Not long at the worst, and a lot less with a little luck. If she doesn’t have any issue in the meanwhile, that is.”

“You mean pups?”

“That’s what I mean. Everything stays in trust for her pups, if there are any, and for her pups’ pups if there are any of those.”

“My God, Lester, this could just keep going on and on. What can be done to prevent it?”

“There is a plan afoot to murder Senorita Fogarty by getting her run over in traffic.”

“That sounds reasonable. Is there anything I can do to help?”

“I can’t think of anything, but I’ll let you know if I do.”

She held her glass in front of her with both hands and looked at him over it with a curious expression in which the ambivalence of her feelings was clearly detectable. She was chagrined and somewhat angry, that was obvious, but at the same time she was already regretting what might become necessary for her to do. The truth was, she would be very reluctant to discard him, and would be happy and relieved if he could somehow be salvaged, but it was, of course, essential that he be solvent when salvaged, and assured of a substantial part of a million and a half dollars, if not all of it. She was hardly prepared to take on a dependent, however handsome and otherwise satisfactory, out of sheer sentiment.

“Lester,” she said, “it was too bad of you to deceive me this way.”

“I haven’t deceived you, damn it. If you ask me, it is I who have been deceived.”

“At least you were surely aware that your grandfather was crazy and was therefore subject to doing crazy things. You might have warned me. It’s quite a shock to learn suddenly that it’s questionable if you will ever inherit a single penny.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll murder Senorita Fogarty one way or another before she is allowed to become a mother. You can count on it.”

“Well, I certainly hope so. I’ve become quite attached to you, as I’ve made abundantly clear on several occasions, but you can see that I can’t afford to have you cluttering up the place and distracting me from more lucrative prospects. It simply wouldn’t be sensible.”

“Oh, I know. I don’t expect you to make any unreasonable concessions or anything.”

“In that case, we’ll just hope for the best, and in the meantime, let’s go out somewhere and have a good time and refuse to worry about it.”

“Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t know, sweetie. We’ll decide on the way.”

“To tell the truth, I was rather hoping we could stay here tonight.”

“No, sweetie. That would never do. It would be far too depressing under the circumstances. Besides, you would surely want to be entertained in a manner that I’ll have to think about until I know how the will comes out.”