Sleep Tight

Chapter 19

Gavin cashed his check and headed for the nearest bar.

He loved alcohol.

During his time in prison, he'd forgotten how much he loved it. Its warm embrace. Its many moods, every high as different as a fingerprint. There were so many variables, so many small chemical factors that could tip the high one way or another-like the contents of a person's stomach, or how much sleep he'd gotten. The kind of alcohol. Wine was different from beer. Tequila, different from vodka. But most of all, his state of mind on any given night determined the path the evening would take.

Sitting at a bar where thousands of elbows had worn the wood smooth, Gavin looked around. Most of the patrons were working on the same project-becoming anesthetized as quickly as possible. Why was it cool to get wasted when you were a kid, and so pathetic once a guy passed thirty? Gavin had the answer. When a kid got drunk, he did it for sheer fun. An adult, on the other hand, did it to escape, to find oblivion.

Trouble was, oblivion never lasted, and you had to do it over again, enduring hangovers, humiliation, and shame for those few blessed hours of numbness.

Sometimes the alcohol turned on you. Instead of being a friend, it became the enemy. Instead of having a good time, you spent the evening sinking deeper and deeper into despair. When that happened, a guy had to go searching for another kind of drug to shut it off, to bring on that feeling of being satisfied in your own skin. And block out the things he didn't want to remember.

Kissing Gillian.

Attacking Gillian.

Almost raping Gillian.

The replay was like watching a movie, watching actors. Certainly the main character didn't seem like him at all. The attack wasn't something he would do or could do.

But he had done it.

Oh, God.

He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his fingers against the lids. He'd killed a girl once, but didn't remember it. Some people said he killed his grandmother too. His grandmother, the only person who'd loved him.

Why? Why did I do such a thing?

Then there was Gillian's sister, the FBI agent. She'd been to see him again, nagging at him like an annoying gnat. She thought he'd killed those girls, and sometimes he wondered if she was right. Maybe he had killed them. Even if he couldn't remember.

He heard a sound and lifted his head to see the bartender placing a shot of tequila in front of him. "From the lady at the end of the bar," the man said, pointing.

Gavin looked through the smoky haze to see a woman with blond hair seated at the other end of the L-shaped bar. She gave him a prissy wave. He nodded, lifted the shot glass-cheers-and downed the burning liquid.

His mother died of a heroin overdose when he was three. He couldn't remember much about his father except for the beatings. The one that gave him epilepsy had put him in the hospital. After that he was sent to Minneapolis to live with his grandmother-his mother's mother. He was young, maybe six, and he used to think that everybody lost time, had gaps they couldn't fill. Later it was explained to him that the gaps had something to do with his epilepsy, courtesy of dear old Dad.

"Hi," said a soft voice in his ear.

He looked up from the empty shot glass to see the woman who'd bought the drink standing next to him, an elbow on the bar. She was about thirty, too much makeup, too much sun. One of those women who fried herself on the beach all summer and cooked herself in a tanning bed all winter.

She wanted sex.

But what kind of sex? he wondered. That was sometimes hard to tell. Was she a whore? Or just horny?

"Hi," he said. "What're you drinkin'?"

She slid onto the bar stool. "Gin and tonic."

He bought her a drink, and another for himself.

She began talking about being in town for a convention, something about selling digital cameras or cleaning products or something. He didn't care. He didn't give a shit. He'd already shut her out. The company she was with had to be shaky, because she was hanging out in one of the seediest parts of town. Or it could be she was just feeding him a line of bullshit, wanting him to think she was alone and unfamiliar with the area. Whores, the kind that robbed you once you passed out, liked to do that. The world was a great place. Yessirree.

Whatever she was selling, he wasn't interested.

He worked his billfold from the back pocket of his jeans, flipped it open, and pulled out a piece of folded newspaper.

"What's that?" the woman asked, hanging over his shoulder.

"Something I saved."

He'd been closely following the Lucia Killer-which was what one of the local papers was now calling the guy. The other major paper, in a lame attempt to be original, had decided to call him the Scarlet Pimpernel since it was rumored that his signature had something to do with red roses. Gavin had read the killer's profile in the paper, trying to find some kind of connection, trying to find something that might spark a memory. It seemed familiar. But maybe that was because he'd read it so many times…

How was a guy to know?

He unfolded the paper; it was soft and creased. And even though he'd read it a million times, he read it again.

It could be him. Almost everything about the profile sounded like him.

"That an article about the Lucia Killer?" the woman asked. "I'm getting sick of hearing about him, aren't you? Every time I turn on the TV, they're talking about it."

For a moment he'd forgotten about her, forgotten he was in a public place. She didn't fit the victim profile. She was blond, but she was too old. – "Yeah." He refolded the clipping and put it back in his billfold.

Gavin was tired of the place. He shoved himself to his feet and pocketed the pile of wadded-up bills from the counter, tucking them deep into the front pocket of his jeans. Without another word, he left.

It was a Friday night. Campus bars would be packed with much more interesting possibilities.

He took University Avenue west, to the U of M campus, in search of music and alcohol and young blondes. He would find some and see what happened. See if he got the urge to do anything weird, then maybe he would have the answer everybody was seeking, then maybe he would know.

Gavin wasn't a great-Jooking guy, but he'd been told there was something dangerous about him that appealed to the opposite sex. It must have been true, because within ten minutes of stepping into the first club, girls began hitting on him. College girls who were drunk and horny-and not shy about letting a guy know it.

He bought drinks and had drinks bought for him. He even danced, mostly slow dances that involved rubbing and making out. At one point, a bouncer came out to the floor and told him and the chick he was dancing with to cool it or he'd throw them out.

That's when Gavin looked at the girl he was holding tightly to his crotch. She was young and tan and blond. Perfect. He asked her if she wanted to come home with him, and she said yes.

This is easy, he thought. Like picking dandelions.

Maybe I am the killer.

On the way to his place he stopped at a coffee shop where, if the right question was asked, a guy could buy his drug of choice. Gavin's drugs were pot and heroin. After the purchase, he slipped them into his pocket and made his way back outside, where the girl was waiting in the passenger seat of his car.

"You didn't get me anything to drink?" she whined, pouting.

"You want something?"

She stuck out her chest and cocked her head to one side. "Yeah."

He went around the block and pulled into the parking lot of a liquor store, where he grabbed a fifth of cheap whiskey. "I'll take one of these too," he said, pulling a red rose from a container next to the cash register. He tossed a ten-dollar bill on the counter.

The rose sure made up for any slacking off on his part. She sniffed it, and stroked it against her cheek, then against his face. She began to get so hot for him that he could barely drive. She had her hands all over him. When she started fiddling with the zipper on his pants, he pushed her away.

"Ten more minutes," he said. "We'll be there in ten minutes."

They stumbled into his house. He poured whiskey into glasses and handed her one. She dropped the rose on the table next to the portable phone, took a long swallow, and then began pulling off her clothes. He did the same, and pretty soon they were lying naked on the couch where he'd attacked Gillian, except that this girl was digging the hell out of him, screaming and clawing and biting. When it was over, they were both sweating and panting like two wild animals.

"Wanna do some smack?" he asked.

She shook her head and reached for the whiskey. She drank straight from the bottle, her head tilted back. When she straightened, the brown-tinged liquid ran down her chin, onto her bare breasts. Her eyes were glazed, her lips swollen, her blond hair hanging wet in front of her face.

He grew hard and took the bottle from her. He helped her to her feet and led her into his bedroom, where they fucked again. This time she didn't seem to enjoy it. This time she was almost comatose.

And he thought in amazement and disgust-for him, for her, for both?-This wasted chick whose name I don't even know is somebody's daughter. Somebody's little girl.

He left her passed out on the bed, tugged on his jeans, and went to the living room to smoke some pot and drink the rest of the whiskey. Time became weird. He forgot the girl was in his house. Then, a little later, he remembered her.

I'll bet it's me. I'll bet I'm the one.

The idea of being a famous murderer suddenly appealed to him. It made sense.

He got to his feet and stood there swaying for a few moments before spotting the wilted rose on the floor. Smiling, he picked it up and staggered to the bedroom. The girl was where he'd left her-naked and passed out. She was disgusting. She made him sick. He couldn't believe he'd fucked her.

He rummaged around and found some rope. He tied her hands to the headboard, then took the rose and rubbed it between his palms, the petals breaking and falling across her body. He got out his camera and took some pictures.

She slept through it all.

Killing her.

That's what came next.

He found a knife in the kitchen. He turned it in his hand, admiring it. The size and shape were remarkably similar to the knife left on the floor next to his murdered grandmother.

Kill her, he told himself. Kill her now.

He stood at the foot of the bed for a long time, clutching the knife in his hand, staring at the blond chick, feeling nothing for her. In his mind, he pictured Fiona Portman lying on the ground, blood pouring from a gash in her head. He could see his own hands on a massive rock, holding it high…

The heroin.

He hadn't done the heroin yet.

He returned to the living room to snort the heroin he'd bought. He hadn't done any in a long time, but the rush, when it came, was well remembered. Well appreciated.

Nice. So nice.

Why didn't bdo this before?

Niiiicccceeee…

He toppled headfirst across the table he'd made out of a door and cement blocks. He and the door crashed to the floor. He lay there for a long, long moment, staring, his gaze finally moving along the floor, under the couch, falling upon the piece of paper Gillian had left the day he'd attacked her.

He stretched out his arm, trying to reach it, his fingers finally coming into contact with the scrap of paper.

In case you need to get in touch with me, she'd said.

The paper felt weird. Thin and dry as moth wings.

It seemed to take days, weeks, months, but he finally rolled onto his back and unfolded the paper.

Gillian's phone number.

Gillian's pager number.

He should give her a call. Gillian, sweet Gillian.

Sinking. He was sinking, melting into the floor.

Find the phone. Find the phone and call Gillian.

It was like fighting a fit, holding it back as long as he could before finally allowing.it to overtake him. Lying on his back, he twisted his head, looking around. There was the portable phone beside him.

He tried to pick it up-it slipped from his fingers. It took three tries, but he finally got it in front of him. He lifted the paper to his face. The numbers weren't in a line. Instead, they looked like they'd been thrown down in no order at all. He blinked. He blinked again. The numbers straightened. Before they began marching around again, he punched in the phone number, then waited through four rings to end up getting Gillian's voice mail.

"Fu-uck." The word came out funny, with a kind of "whoa, dude" cadence that reminded him of his high school days. He would have laughed if he'd had the strength.

He lay there with the phone to his ear, breathing, listening to the silence. "Fu-uck," he repeated, and then hung up. The hand with the phone dropped to his stomach. He was drifting away when he remembered that Gillian had left her pager number too.