Slice

WINDER (EAST BUCKHEAD)

The two rednecks were in a cheap motel on the outskirts of town. Wire-skinny and hard-rock tough, the mean mammer-jammer calling himself Bo Johnson crumpled up the empty Bud and flung it viciously across the room in the direction of the wastebasket. He glowered at the white trash peckerwood he'd gotten saddled with.

“I mean, sweet JESUS you gin’ ta hafta start LISTENIN’ TO ME ya goin’ to end us both up back inna fuckin’ slammer, ya know.” He was pacing the small room and his nervous energy was as scary to the other man as a loose high-voltage line crackling in the air beside him. It had been different inside.

Them and the other white boys against the smokes and Messicans. But shit, he wouldn’ let up onna man.

“Well, hell,” he began.

“Well hell iz right, John. Sweet JESUS youuns can fuck somp'n up. DAMN. I couldn’ fuckin’ BELIEVE it, I mean we go up air'n shit ‘n ya go ‘n write MY fuckin’ name inna damn book. What in the seventeen sweet names of the damn DEVIL couldya be thinkin’ about, huh?"

“Shit, it ain't mah fault, Wendell, an’ I didn't write YOUR name any more'n you wrote MY name,"

“I wrote YOUR name? WHAT THE HOLY HAPPY FUCK YA TALKIN’ ABOUT, BOY?” The stupid one, whose name was John Monroe, flinched at the screaming, wondering if the people next door would hear the hollerin'. He made the calm-down gesture with palms out in front of him, as if warding off evil, saying, “Ya done wrote PARTA my name,” talking in a whisper, trying to placate the other man with his tone, “JOHN-son. Get it? Ya done writ Bo JOHN-son onna damn card ‘n, shit, ya know, then I got sorta confused an'—"

“Ya got sorta confused awright.” At least he was talking in a halfway normal voice you couldn't hear a block away if you was deaf. “Well, hell, man, I jes’ writ the first fuckin’ thing come in my head, so I put down there I was Bob Wendell, now that ain't using—Well it is your name but I mean it ain't either ‘cause hell anybody lookin’ for somebody named Wendell De Witt, they ain't gonna’ put two and two together there ya know like Bob Wendell don't even sound like Wendell De Witt or nothin’ and even—"

“See what I mean, John, you don't fucking LISTEN to what I'm tellin’ ya. You got to start payin’ attenshun to me, goddammit.” He smacked a hard fist into his other hand and it sounded like the loudest possible tooth-rattling slam of a door. “JESUS IN HEAVEN, ya goin’ ta git us tripped up iffn’ ya don't pay a-fuckin'-TENshun.” Monroe imagined what it would be like to get hit in the face with that hand.

“I'm sorry."

“You're sorry,” he mimicked, “you're confused. See that don't help. Ya understan’ what I'm tryin’ to tell ya?” Monroe nodded but he had to say it,

“Yeah, but if we ‘uns had stayed in the same damn room we wouldna hadda write on two cards we coulda writ like we was brothers or somethin'."

“I done already said in the car.” He was shaking his head in total exasperation.” I don't WANNA stay in the same room like a coupla fuckin’ faggots."

“Hell, I ain't no faggot."

“I never said ya was a faggot. You're as dumb as fuckin’ stone but I never done accused ya of being no dick-suckin', ball-lickin', cunt-asshole turd-packin’ faggot. What I said was—and listen to what I'm sayin’ ‘cause I AIN'T GOIN’ TA SAY IT AGAIN, I never said ya was no faggot. I said I don't-want-to-stay inna-same-fuckin'-room-like-we-was-two-faggots. Get it? AWRIGHT."

“But—"

“I had my fill of that shit when I was in goddamn jail and that is plain enough of that shit for me. I ain't stayin’ inna same room with somethin’ I ain't fuckin'. ‘Less you want me to start dickin’ YOU inna ass ya better git that shit straight goddammit."

“Shit I can be with that awright. I never could abide no faggots myself. I let one suck me off one time when I was out in California—"

“Yeah, well I don't think we got time to go in to all that shit right now, man. We gonna do somethin’ here or not? Because if we ain't, then I'm gonna make somethin’ happen on my OWN, ya unnerstand?"

“Hey.” Monroe tilted his head. “I hear ya'. I want to go for some of that shit."

“That's the way I like ta hear ya talk. Now let's plan how we're goin’ ta git them pipes."

“Dale's got him a nice little Beretta, man.” He pantomimed holding a handgun and played like he shot the lamp. “PPPPSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH HHKKKKKK KKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!"

“We ain't goin’ ta use no traceable pipes, butt-wipe. Ack like you got some fuckin’ sense."

The other man as if in agreement hawked up a gooey oyster and spit it in the general direction of the motel wastebasket.

“What we goin’ do is go down to Helferd's."

“Uh-huh."

“Go down there about eleven-thirty onna Friday night when the cops is all out lookin’ for pussy or eatin’ goddamn donuts, and we goin’ ta throw a couple bricks through the fuckin’ window and take the first three or four guns we can grab outta there."

“Don't they got no burger alarm?” he asked, unconscious of his malaprop.

“Jesus sweet Christ. Of COURSE they gotta fuckin’ BURGLAR alarm ass-wipe, we ain't gonna STAY there fer shit's sake, we goin’ ta SMASH the fuckin’ glass, GRAB the fuckin’ guns, an’ BOOK. How long ya’ think that'll take?"

“Oh, I guess—"

“It'll take nineteen SECONDS is how long it'll fuckin’ take.” He was proud of his command of the situation. “I got a piece a’ windshield glass, and that shit is strong, and timed what'd take to sledgehammer through it ‘n reach in and take a couple a’ pipes and book. Nineteen seconds. A cop cain't wipe his fuckin’ heinie in nineteen seconds. We're outta there."

“How about bullets? Where we gonna—"

“We BUY some bullets. Okay?"

“Yeah, but we need pistols or some shit. They ain't got nothing but big-ass rifles inna window of Helferd's last time we was by there. I want me a nice Beretta like double-o-seven, ‘n go—” He pointed at the door and went “PPPPPPKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEE WWWWWWWWWWW! PSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHKK EEEEEEEEEEWWWW!” Sweet Jesus, the man named Wendell De Witt thought. I've got me a fuckin’ imbecile here.

“We take what's inna window. We ain't goin’ in an’ fuck around all night with no goddamn showcases. We grab rifles if there's rifles inna window, we grab shotguns iffn’ nair's shotguns. Okay?"

“Yeah, sure, that's cool. But how we gonna go walkin’ inna fuckin’ bank with fuckin’ big ole hunting rifles with goddamn telescopes ‘n shit all over ‘em?"

“Mmmmmm.” He sighed as if he hurt, pulling the tab on another Budweiser and flinging it away from him. “I swear ta Christ. We're gonna saw them off.” He said this with patience in his tone, that sweet sound he got right when he turned real mean. John Monroe had heard him talk like that once right before he proceeded to kick the living shit out of these two slick dudes in the goddamn gas station. Just whomped on the sides of their heads till the gray shit come out. He didn't say nothing, only nodded yes.

“Okay.” Wendell smiled. “So now we got our pipes all nice and sawed off.” He pointed his finger at Monroe and went, “PPPPKKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEWWW” the way a person will try to do when you can tell they ain't never played guns when they was a kid because they can't make the noise. “And then we go ask some a’ these fuckers to part with their money. How does THAT sound to ya?"

“Let's do it. Shit. I know a perfect place. That new little American Finance office out there where Long John Silver is, ya know? Onna highway?"

“Fuck that. I had a guy I knew in jail hit a little place like that ‘n he only come out with three thousand dollars in his sack. Shit. I ain't goin’ to do the crime if I cain't have a time. We'll hit a fuckin’ bank."

“Yeah. Shit, we can hit a bank,” John Monroe said without an ounce of conviction in his voice.

“Yeah."

“Like ta make sure they ain't a whole buncha assholes standin’ around. Shit, they can throw an’ alarm and shit an’ you know, a couple a’ people cain't cover no whole fuckin’ bank."

“We ain't goin’ that route. We're gonna waltz innair with the fuckin’ president of the damn bank."

“No shit?"

“I wouldn't shit mah favorite turd, would I?” he said with a big mean smile.