Slice

BUCKHEAD SPRINGS

Party animals uncaged.

“There are eight million naked stories in the city and—"

“Eight million STORIES, ya fuck,” Lee corrected his partner.

“That's what I said, eight million stories in the whore. There are"—he took a deep, boozy breath—"eight million naked bimbos in the city and I'll poke every one of ‘em."

“You guys flyin’ pretty good already?” Eichord said, sipping his nonalcoholic cooler.

“What ya drinkin?” Dana Tuny peered at the glass.

“He's drinking Seven-Up same as I am,” Donna said loudly from the next room.

“Canada Dry,” Jack said.

“He's drinkin’ Canada Dry,” Lee said.

“Shit, Eichord already done drunk Canada Dry a long fucking time ago,” Tuny mumbled.

“Tuny, if brains was worth a dollar and it cost a quarter to go around the world you couldn't get outta sight, ya’ fuckin’ imbecile,” Lee whispered.

“If dick was worth a dollar and it cost a quarter to get laid, you couldn't fuck a cheerio, ya’ slant-eyed little squid-eater."

“My dick is bigger than that little hernia you carry around."

“Come on, girls, let's not fight,” Eichord admonished as they walked out into the yard.

“Listen, picklepecker, remember we done SOLVED this question long ago when we measured them whores—mine was six inches longer than yours an’ I only pulled enough outta my pants to beat ya."

“The only thing ya ever pulled is your pud, and you hadda do THAT with a fuckin’ tweezer, numb-nuts."

“Poor Peggy.” Fat Dana shook his head in mock sorrow at the thought of her suffering. Unaware of the singer, Lee's wife had changed her named to Peggy when he'd brought her over. “Just imagine—she's never known nothin’ but a li'l ole two-incher.” He held his fingers out in measurement. “Li'l fucking firecracker of a hard-on about the size of a dink cherry bomb."

“At least Peg GETS a hard dick once inna while,” his partner said. “Not like poor ole Bev. God, I feel so sorry for Bev. Married to d’ blimp here.” Lee discussed the weighty aspects of the problem with Eichord.

Jack knew that when they joked like this, these old-time partners of a hundred and fifty years or whatever it had been, they were TALKING about dicks but they were talking ABOUT something altogether different.

They'd been together so long they could probably communicate by sign language, and Jack often wished they would, when the banter wore thin. But there were odd moments of oblique and surprising subtlety when they'd be exchanging their goofy rap back and forth and Jack would suddenly realize they were having some kind of a discussion during the nonsense. They managed a between-the-lines dialogue of sorts, something about work, or whatever, hidden, subliminal, sandwiched in between all the crap. In this way their chauvinistic, vulgar, silly demeanor served as a kind of vocal camouflage. A code or word smoke screen. He wondered what it was all about tonight.

“That ain't no bullshit about the hard-ons,” Dana ruminated, his tone sobering slightly as he thought about it. “Shit, I love that woman and we don't even hardly kiss anymore. ‘Course we don't kiss any LESS either."

“Peggy says if she ever got hurt in a traffic accident I wouldn't be able to identify the body,” Lee said.

“Umm.” Dana smiled. They were still walking, out of Eichord's yard and down the darkened street, three old coppers who loved one another. “I can't enjoy it anymore. I don't mean Bev. Shit, I love Bev. I can't hardly get it up. Christ, I don't even play with it.” His voice was serious.

“Bullshit,” Eichord said.

“I ain't had a blue veiner in weeks. It's pitiful, man. I don't even wake up with a piss-hard anymore."

“Who does? That's kids get piss-hards."

“I gotta piss hard now."

“Ya fuckin’ pissant."

They laughed.

“It's terrible never to even get a soft-on."

“Remember that time we busted that old guy in the whorehouse over on Canal and Mary?"

“Yeah.” Dana chuckled.

“That's when I knew you couldn't get it up."

“Huh?"

“Yeah. You remember that big blond one?” Eichord asked him.

“Yeah."

“One day I hadda go back there when I was doing the follow-up on the dude that got dusted.” They'd been together while Lee was out for some reason, working on a murder in a low-rent brothel. “One day I hadda go back there when I was doing the follow-up on the dude that got iced, and she said ‘Where's that no-dick partner of yours?’ She was trying to give me some shit about what a fizzle you'd been in the sack."

“What's all this shit?” Lee had never heard this one.

“God's truth,” Eichord said to James Lee, “Dana and me were taking the stories and what-not and he says, You cover me—I gotta go back and boff Blondie. And he goes back in the back with this one,” Eichord was whispering.

“It's true,” Dana told his partner, smirking in the darkness.

“She says, Where's that no-dick? The fat one? That worthless no-dick partner of yours couldn't even get it up."

“That's true."

They laughed.

“Pathetic,” Lee said to his partner.

“Well, shit. She had hair."

“What the fuck?"

“Shit, she had more hair on her fuckin’ legs than you do.” They all laughed. “That's no shit."

“Lying fucks."

“Hey. Really, man. I still remember that bitch. Big ole’ watermelons like this onner.” Dana gestured in the shadows. “Looked pretty good. Long blond hair. Shit, I didn't know how long. I took her back there and Christ almighty, she's whippin’ those clothes off and here's all this fuckin’ hair under her arms, looked like little black forests growin’ under there. And she had this garter-belt deal, and I can still remember those legs. Nice legs, man, but there's all these old black hairs mashed down under them hose. I go—” He makes a little descending whistle noise that they both recognized and know he is also holding his little finger in front of his fly and letting it droop with the sound effect—Dana's drooping dick schtick.

“Well,” Lee said, “hair or not, I'da fucked her."

“BullSHIT!” Dana laughed. “Be like tryin’ to fuck Lyle Alzado.” They laughed. “Really, man. Fuckin’ big shoulders and legs onner. Big old hairy thing. Be like tryin’ to put the pork to Dutch Hornung."

“Who the fuck is Dutch Hornung?” Lee asked seriously.

“JESUS, you simple midget, don't you fuckin’ know anything, Paul Hornung, f'r Chrissakes. Don't you—"

“Lower your voices.” Eichord was laughing. “Come on—shit, these people around here don't know I associate with riffraff like you guys. Come on, let's go back."

“Who the fuck is Paul Horney?"

'That guy used to be on the radio.” Dana gave his voice a distinctive inflection, “and that's the way it is, the whole fucking story—"

“That was Walter Cronkite, goddammit, not that other guy—whatjasay—Dutch Hardon or whoever."

“Don't you know any fuckin’ thing about sports?"

“Just submarine racing."

“Muff diving."

“The fifty-meter broadchase and leaping humperjump."

“The three-minute free-hand jerkoff."

“I took some money.” Lee said, in a cold whisper.

“Huh."

They stopped.

“Yeah."

“Whatya talkin’ about?” Dana laughed.

“I took some money. A lot of it."

“Bullshit.” Not meaning bullshit at all, Dana recognizing the chilly tone.

Lee was suddenly very sober and serious. “I don't want to talk about it."

“Uh huh.” Eichord said nothing. They stood there, the three old friends, with their empty glasses in their hands and their withered old-cop dicks in their pants, standing in the darkness of Buckhead Springs.

“Fuck it."

“Whatya fuckin’ mean ya took some money, a lot of it?"

“You know what I mean. You know exactly what I fuckin’ mean. I took money."

“Don't tell me this shit,” Eichord said, and turned and started back toward the house.

“It wasn't on the arm—"

“I don't care. I don't want to hear that crap."

“I had to, man. It was a LOT of money."

“How come ya didn't gimme any?” Tuny said to him, half-joking but seriousness in his voice.

“Want some? I'll give ya some. Then when those butt-sniffers bust me and they make me tell what I did with it, I can bring YOU down too, izzat whatcha want, ya dumb zeppelin?” Butt-sniffers was his name for Internal Affairs cops.

“You serious.” It wasn't a question.

“Yeah. Believe it."

“Who the fuck be dopey enough to give YOU a lotta money?"

“Nobody GIVE it to me, jackoff. I took it."

“Where? When?” He sounded like Peggy. Where? When? Who? Hah?

“At Buckhead Mercantile."

’”I'm not hearing this shit,” Eichord said, and he walked back toward the house.