Small crimes

Chapter 6

I didn't get to bed until three in the morning and I had a restless night of it. At times my mind would race with images from the past – things that I had thought I had long forgotten; other times I was closer to hallucinations. I wasn't quite awake, but I wasn't quite asleep either.

The stuff that went through my mind – Jesus; they were memories that should have stayed buried. At first it was only small stuff, small crimes, but still they were things I didn't want dredged up.

When my older daughter Melissa was three and a half – only a couple of months after Courtney's first birthday – she had cut herself on a broken glass. It was mostly a superficial cut, I think she needed a few stitches, but there was blood everywhere. Elaine was hysterical, and at the time I was out of my mind on coke and trying to place a bet with my bookie. You see, I had a chance to take Miami plus two and a half over Buffalo in a playoff game. The Dolphins had shut out San Diego the week before and how was I supposed to know Dan Marino would shit the bed and lose that game by nineteen points? So now I'm back there and Melissa's screeching like a banshee and Elaine's hysterical about us needing to drive right away to the emergency room, and I can barely hear my bookie over the phone. Remember, at this point

I'm coked up to the gills. So I unholster my gun and point it at them, telling them to let me make my fucking bet in peace. There wasn't a chance in the world I would have used my gun. I just needed them to shut up so I could make one more loser bet.

Other memories raced through my mind. They were things that I'm pretty sure happened, but I couldn't swear my life on it. I might have been mixing up different events, merging them into a single memory. Or I might've been making it up entirely. All I know is they seemed real.

One night I had broken into a hardware store with Dan and his boys. They had a safe that Dan thought he could break open, but he had trouble with it so we ended up carrying the safe out of the store and loading it on the back of his pickup truck. Now I'm riding with Dan and I guess we didn't secure the safe properly and the damn thing ends up tumbling off the back of the pickup and onto the road. It took five of us to pick it up in the first place, and now it's just Dan and me. He radios his boys who were in on the heist and the two of us are standing in the middle of the road next to the safe waiting for help to arrive. Dan's as calm as can be, making small talk about this and that, and I'm going out of my head with worry. I want us to drive away and leave the safe where it fell, but Dan insists on waiting. His boys show up and help us get it back onto the pickup, but I'm sweating bullets through the whole goddam thing, my heart beating like it's going to bust out of my chest.

And then there was another time a drifter stuck his nose into a liquor store that we were breaking into. Dan and his boys ended up taking the guy into one of their cars. I never found out what happened to that drifter. Dan had made a few jokes about the hole the guy had dug himself into, but that was all I ever heard.

Other memories snaked in and out of my consciousness. I had a doozy of a hallucination right before I woke up. I was back with Clara in her car. I had just knocked her sunglasses off and realized what was up. She was grabbing onto me like before, but I couldn't break free of her. I elbowed her and punched her until her face was a raw mess, but she wouldn't loosen her grip. I had no choice. I grabbed the car key from the ignition and started stabbing her with it. Stabbing her over and over again in the face. I must have stabbed her over thirty times, but she still wouldn't let go. And I noticed a chunk of her nose was missing, and how I could play tic-tac-toe on what was left of her face, and how much she now looked like her father…

I bolted up in bed and realized I was drenched in sweat. My bed sheets were soaked through. It was six thirty in the morning. I felt a dull throbbing around my temples and got up and made my way to the bathroom. I looked like hell; worse than if I was suffering from a bad hangover. My eyes had a hollowed-out look and my skin was sickly pale. The flesh along my cheekbone where I had been scratched had swollen and was looking pretty bad. I took some aspirin and then splashed cold water on my face until I felt better. Then I went back to my room, got dressed, and shuffled towards the kitchen.

My parents were both up. My mom was at the stove making eggs, and my dad was sitting at the kitchen table reading his newspaper and drinking coffee. My mom didn't bother to turn around. She greeted me with an unconvincing 'good morning' as she worked on her scrambled eggs. I could see my dad's eyes grow sick as he noticed the scratches along my cheek.

'You got in late last night,' he said.

'Sorry if I woke you.'

'I heard your car pull in around two thirty.'

'I'm sorry. Something happened last night. I couldn't help it.'

My mom had turned around. Her raisin-like face seemed to shrink as she stared at me.

'I told you not to go into town but you wouldn't listen,' she complained, a shrillness edging into her voice. 'What happened?'

I poured myself some coffee and sat down at the table across from my dad. I'd rather not go into this now,' I said. 'Could I have some breakfast?'

'I'll get you some scrambled eggs. You can make your own toast.'

'Who scratched you?' my dad asked.

He was looking as sick as can be. I sighed and told him it was Clara Coakley.

'Oh, Jesus,' he moaned, and for a moment I thought he was about to start bawling. 'What in the world were you doing with her?'

My mom made a bitter face as if she had something to spit out. 'Didn't I tell you not to go into town?' she muttered half under her breath. 'You have to act as if you know it all. Sometimes I know what I'm talking about.'

'Look,' I said. I didn't do a damn thing. That girl came up with some crackpot scheme to either have me thrown in prison for rape or to have me beaten to death. I'm not sure which. Any case, it's over.'

Both my parents looked horrified. My dad, flustered, asked if I had gone to the police. 'Yes, I went to the police.’

‘They believed you?'

'They had to believe me,' I said. 'It's what happened.'

'Did, uh,' my dad hesitated for a moment as he rubbed his jaw, 'did you file charges against Clara?'

I shook my head. They were quiet after that. Nobody said a word as my mother finished with the eggs and then spooned them onto three plates. We ate mostly in silence. I could tell there was something on my mom's mind. She couldn't hold it in any longer and made a remark about my dad mentioning that I had asked about Elaine and my two girls.

'I find it hard to believe that she cut you and Dad off completely from my kids,' I said.

'We can't blame her for that,' she said.

'Don't you want to see your grandchildren?'

'Of course I do,' my mom said. 'But I also want what's best for those girls. Elaine couldn't stay in Bradley after what you did, not with the abuse Melissa and Courtney were taking from the neighborhood kids. I'm sure Elaine has had a difficult time having to move to a new area and start over on her own. And she has had to support herself and those two girls for the last seven years without any help.'

'How do you know she hasn't had any help?'

'You're right, I don't know,' my mom said, her tone somewhat uneasy. 'Maybe she has had help. Maybe she's remarried. And Joey, that's all the more reason to leave her alone.'

'Don't you miss my girls?'

'Yes, I miss my granddaughters, but I understand why Elaine has done what she's done. And Joey, you should respect her wishes.'

'I don't know what you're talking about,' I said. I could feel a hot anger flushing my face. 'You don't think I love my girls? I'm thinking of seeing a lawyer about changing the custody order.'

'Why would you want to do that?' my mom asked.

'What the hell do you mean?'

'Don't swear at your mother!' my dad snapped.

'I want to know what she means. She doesn't think I care about my girls?'

'Be honest with yourself,' my mom said. 'You haven't seen them in over seven years, probably closer to eight. And Joey, you never had much to do with them before that. It would be best for the girls if you left them alone.'

I just sat there and stared at the two of them. Sat there and felt a hotness burning my face. I wanted to tell them to screw themselves, that I knew where Elaine was and they could go cry themselves a fucking river for all I cared.

'Joey,' my dad started to say, 'think what's best for Melissa and Courtney-'

I didn't hear the rest. I was too busy getting out of there.

Bradley to Albany, New York, was a three-hour drive. I decided what the hell, I'd find Elaine when I got there, and I headed off. It was Saturday and there was a good chance I'd find her and the girls at home. I'd still get back in time to visit Manny and satisfy myself that Dan was worrying about nothing.

As troubling as my sleep had been, my three-hour drive to Albany was the exact opposite. My mind just seemed to clear itself of all worry as I drove along and watched the countryside. After a half-hour I pulled over and put the top down. One of my few times outside of Bradley County had been a weekend trip to Albany with Elaine. It was several months before we had gotten married. I didn't really care much for the city, but I remembered Elaine liking the restaurants.

The three-hour drive went by fast. I had to change radio stations a few times along the way, but was able to find a decent classic rock station each time. I just sat back, listened to tunes, and enjoyed the ride. By the time I got there I was about as relaxed as I'd been in years.

It wasn't hard finding Elaine. I stopped off at the central police station, bringing a couple of cups of black coffee, and identified myself as a retired cop. I chewed the fat for a while with the desk sergeant, and by the time I got around to asking for an address for Elise Mathews he was feeling friendly enough towards me to drop everything to find it. He didn't even bother asking what I wanted it for. We shook hands and I was feeling pretty good by the time I left.

Elaine was living in half of a two-family house. The neighborhood looked kind of shabby and I got some curious glances from a few of the kids playing in the street. The house itself needed work. The wood flooring on the front porch was rotted – if I stomped down hard enough my foot would've gone through the boards. The house also needed to be repainted and some of the shutters were hanging half off. I tested the handrail and found that it was loose. I didn't like the fact that my kids were living in a dump like this. I should've felt angry about it, but as I stood there all I could feel was nervous, like butterflies were fluttering around in my stomach. I rang the buzzer and as I waited those damn butterflies flapped around like crazy, just about driving my heart into my throat. I have to admit, as much as I wanted to see my daughters I felt somewhat terrified at the thought of them being there. After several minutes Elaine opened the door. She stared at me blankly for a long ten count before she recognized me, or at least before she was willing to recognize me. From her expression I knew Melissa and Courtney weren't home.

'They let you out early, Joe.'

'Yeah, they did,' I admitted. 'The state of Vermont considers me reformed and ready to be a useful member of society again. You know what they say about fooling some of the people some of time.'

Elaine had dyed her hair a brownish red, and like me had lost the extra weight she had been carrying around her middle. Her body looked closer to what it was in high school. She didn't have any makeup on and she seemed tired, especially around the eyes, but she still looked better than she had in years. She seemed to be making up her mind about something.

'Everything's still a joke to you,' she said at last.

'Give me a break. I was only trying to break the ice. It's been a long time, Elaine.'

'How'd you find me?'

I made a face. 'It's not important. Come on, why don't you let me in?'

'No.' She was shaking her head. There was nothing in her eyes, though. No hate, no love, no feelings of any kind. Just blank and empty. "The girls aren't home now. They're playing with friends. But I don't want you in my house, Joe.'

'You're going to make me stand out here? I drove three hours to see you. Why don't we talk over a cup of coffee?'

'You're not coming into my house. If you try to I'll call the police and have you arrested.'

I could tell she was serious. I took a deep breath and held it in while I counted to three. 'How about I buy you a cup of coffee somewhere,' I suggested.

She gave me a long look before nodding her head. 'Only for fifteen minutes,' she said. 'I'll go grab my coat.'

'Could you bring some pictures of the girls?'

She disappeared back inside and when she came out again she was wearing a cheap threadbare cloth coat, something not even a Salvation Army store would sell. Other than her directing me to a coffee shop a few blocks away, neither of us said a word. When we got there we took a booth. I ordered a turkey club and a piece of apple pie and she stuck with only a cup of coffee.

'How have you and the girls been?' I asked.

'We've been fine. I've been working as a receptionist and going to school nights to become a paralegal. It's been a struggle, but we're all fine.'

'I'm sorry,' I said. "There was nothing I could do to help you. But at least I was able to leave you the house and our savings.'

She started laughing. It wasn't a malicious laugh, just something she couldn't control.

'What's so funny?'

'You didn't leave me anything, Joe. There was only twelve thousand in savings and I cleared less than six thousand when I sold the house. Afterwards a business associate of yours came by. His name was Manny something. He made me give him what I had. He promised me he'd hurt Melissa and Courtney if I didn't, and I believed him.'

For a long time I couldn't move. Just sat there frozen. "That dirty sonofabitch,' I swore. I made a deal with him. He wasn't supposed to go near you. I'm so sorry about that.'

'It was only par for the course.'

'Come on, Elaine, that's not fair.'

'Why isn't it? You abandoned us throughout our marriage. When you weren't throwing away our money on drugs you were burying us with your gambling debts.'

'I'm so sorry for that also, but I haven't touched cocaine or made any bets in almost eight years. And I'm never going to again.'

She didn't say anything. She took a sip of coffee and looked away.

'Look, Elaine-'

'My name's Elise now.'

'Why'd you pick Elise?'

'Is that any of your business?'

'Forget it. I'm sorry. Elise. It's a beautiful name.' I took a deep breath before going on. 'During the seven years I was in jail I kept thinking about the damage I did to you and the girls. I want a chance to fix things. I want a chance to have a relationship with my daughters. And maybe it's not too late for us. I'm going to be getting a monthly pension of thirty-four sixty and that could help-'

'You're going to receive a pension?'

I showed her a little smile. 'Well, yeah, it's been arranged. I'm on the books for twenty years of service.'

Elaine started laughing, kind of a sad laugh. It went on for a while. "That's the problem in a nutshell, Joe,' she said after her laugh had died out. 'If you had come here today and told me you were planning to go to a trade school or college so you could work towards a new career, then maybe I could've believed things had somehow changed, that you had somehow grown in jail. But nothing has changed, Joe. You still want to take the easy way out. Regardless of whether it's right or wrong. You haven't changed at all. You're still missing that same moral center you've been missing your whole life. And look at your face. How long have you been out of jail? And you've already gotten your face scratched up?'

"These scratches are nothing,' I said. 'Trust me, they mean absolutely nothing.' I started to feel a little hot under the collar. And what do you want me to do? You want me to throw away thirty-four sixty a month?'

'I don't care what you do. It doesn't affect me one way or another.'

'I'm not throwing away that money,' I said.

'I wouldn't expect you to.'

'Damn it. If I have to throw away that kind of money to make you happy, then fine, I'll do it.'

'Forget it, Joe. It doesn't matter. It wouldn't change anything.'

'Give me a break, for Chrissakes!'

'Joe, I've given you thousands of breaks. More breaks than you'll ever realize. All I ask is that you give me and Courtney and Melissa one break and stay out of our lives. That's all I'll ever ask of you.'

I felt helpless as I watched her drink her coffee, as I watched the utter indifference in her eyes.

'When I was in jail I realized that for a long time I've only been drifting along,' I said. "There's nothing of any meaning in my life now, at least nothing positive. I need to change that-'

'You can change that, Joe. You can do something positive by leaving Courtney and Melissa alone.'

'You're acting as if I'm some kind of monster. Elaine, I mean Elise, I made one mistake-'

'One mistake? You stole eighty thousand dollars and tried to hide the fact by setting Phil's office on fire. When he caught you in the act, you tried to kill him and ended up maiming him horribly. That's your one mistake? But you've done more than that. You've spent far more money on drugs and gambling than you possibly could've earned in a lifetime as a police officer. I don't know how you made all that money, but I know it wasn't legal. It wasn't that you made only one mistake, Joe. Let's be honest. You were only caught once, but you've been making mistakes for almost as long as we were married.'

'Everything's so damn black and white with you, huh, Elaine? And you're as pure as the driven snow?'

'Joe, I didn't come here to fight with you.'

'Fuck you. Let's see if you can be so damn honest with yourself. When I was drowning in cocaine and gambling, what were you doing? Did you try once to help me?'

'I was afraid of you!'

'Come on, you want us both to be honest now. I never hit you or the girls. I almost never even raised my voice. You were the one who was yelling most of the time. Who are you kidding that you were afraid of me?'

'You pulled a gun on me. On me and Melissa!'

'That's right,' I said, lowering my voice. I did that once. And it makes me sick to think about it. But you know that as coked up as I was, I never would have hurt either of you. So Elaine, you want to know the real reason you never tried to help me?'

'You would never have let me help you.'

'Yeah, right, keep telling yourself that. Back then I was begging for help, but you just watched and let me drown. And you know why? Because you were so damn embarrassed about what our neighbors and your coffee club and your precious playgroups would think if word got out that your husband was a coke addict and a degenerate gambler.'

The waitress came with my club sandwich and apple pie, but I had lost my appetite. I just sat and watched Elaine as she tried to regain her composure. I could see some doubt flickering in her eyes. She knew there was more than a grain of truth in what I said, just as I knew there was in what she had said.

I tried to change the subject. 'How about those pictures?' I asked. I've been dying to see pictures of Melissa and Courtney.'

'I didn't bring any.'

'What?'

'I'm sorry, Joe,' she said, 'it wouldn't do any good to show you pictures. I'm not letting you back into our lives. For everyone's sake, please just forget about us.'

'Goddam you, Elaine. You couldn't even let me see pictures of my girls? And what the hell are you doing cutting off my parents? Not even letting them see their grandkids?'

'Perfect note for me to leave on,' she said. 'I'll walk. Don't bother getting up.'

At this point I was simmering. Probably hot enough to fry an egg on. In as calm a tone as I could possibly muster, I told her, 'Don't kid yourself that you're holding all the cards. Custody orders can be changed.'

She had started to get up, but she sat back down.

'You couldn't handle a custody hearing, Joe.'

And why's that?'

She showed me a smug little smile. 'For the same reason you pled guilty after you were arrested. I know you've probably convinced yourself it was so you could spare Phil the trauma of having to sit through a trial. But as you've been saying, let's be honest with ourselves. You pled guilty because it was the easy way out. If you'd had a trial, you would've had to sit and listen to all the evidence piled against you. You couldn't do that, just like you couldn't sit through a custody hearing and listen to. all the crappy things you've done over the years. It's not something you're capable of.'

'I might surprise you.'

She nodded. 'You might, Joe. But I don't think so.'

I sat and stared at her as she sat smug and believing she had a clue what I was all about. I took a deep breath and tried to get myself under control. This wasn't what-I had wanted.

'Elaine,' I said. 'I'm sorry, Elise, I came here to try to reconcile with you, and to let you know that I plan on making up to Melissa and Courtney for being such a rotten father and for all this lost time. I wish you felt differently towards me. I don't want to fight you, but I am going to be part of my daughters' lives.'

'Joe, I know in your head all of this makes sense to you. I know you think you can magically become this good person and dad to our daughters, but trust me, it won't work out that way. It could never work out that way with you. You'll end up hurting them. And I'm not going to let that happen.'

'I guess I'll see you in court, then,' I said.

She stood up. I could see her trembling slightly. She started to walk away, but she stopped and faced me. 'Joe,' she said, I am going to hope that you have grown somewhat. Maybe you'll realize you can give your life meaning by giving our daughters a chance. I wish you the best.'

'Godammit!' I had the money Dan had given me in my pants pocket, the bills rolled up and held in place with an elastic band. I slipped a hundred dollar bill from it, wrapped the bills back up with the band, and tossed the roll to Elaine. 'That's over six thousand dollars,' I told her. 'Use it for our daughters.'

Her eyes narrowed as she stared at me. 'How'd you get this money, Joe?'

"What difference does it make?'

'Some things never change, do they?' She dropped the roll of bills onto the floor. 'I'm not touching your dirty money.'

'Jesus Christ, Elaine, don't be so fucking dramatic. I'll just mail it to you, then.'

'You do and I'll burn it.'

She walked out of the coffee shop. I sat frozen as I stared at the roll of bills that she had dropped. Other people in the coffee shop were doing the same. A heavyset man with long greasy hair got up and started to bend down to pick up the money. I told him if he touched it, I'd bust his head.

'Hey, it don't bother me how dirty it is,' he said, still reaching for the roll. 'If you guys don't want it…'

I repeated myself about busting his head. He backed away and sat back down.

I got up and picked up the money. Then I settled the bill and headed back to Bradley.