The Black Heart Crypt

Later that afternoon, Norman Ickes stood behind the counter at Ickes & Son Hardware on Main Street, fidgeting with his brand-new Nut Case, a shiny brass puzzle that looked like two hexagonal nuts screwed around the center of a half-inch bolt that had one head at the top and another at the bottom.

“It looks simple, but it isn’t,” he said to his young customer, a fellow puzzle maven named Malik Sherman, who was well on his way to Nerdsville, a neighborhood where Norman Ickes had lived for most of his twenty-four miserable years. “The goal is to remove the small nut hidden inside the hollow bolt without cutting the whole thing open with a hacksaw.”

“Have you figured out the solution yet?” asked Malik.

“No.” Now even Malik, a fellow loser, was working his nerves. He wished the kid would butt out and let him fidget in peace.

“Well, good luck with it, Norman. My dad and I are here looking for pumpkin-carving tools. I picked out a doozy this morning down at Paproski’s Pumpkin Patch.”

“Will you be carving a jack-o’-lantern or something a bit more interesting, say a Halloween scene sculpted in silhouette?”

“Definitely a silhouette,” said Malik. “Much more challenging and, therefore, rewarding.”

Norman nodded. Any idiot could take a butcher knife and slice triangle eyes and a row of jagged teeth into a hollowed-out gourd. It took skill, patience, and the proper tools to create a pumpkin masterpiece.

“Aisle two. Seasonal items.”

“Awesome. Thanks, Norman! Catch you later.”

The kid bounded over to aisle two. Norman reached into the plastic pumpkin on the counter and palmed a few more pieces of candy corn. The high-fructose sugar rush helped him focus.

Concentrating intensely, Norman worked the two center nuts around and around, then dabbed at the perspiration beading up on his forehead with the tip of his green striped tie, the one his mother had given him for Christmas. It had come in a box with a matching short-sleeve green shirt. A prepackaged, easy-to-wrap combo.

“Whatcha doin’, Nor-man?”

Norman looked up and saw an idiot grinning at him.

It was his coworker with the shaved head, the no-neck Neanderthal Stephen Snertz, whose young cousins, Norman had learned, terrorized all the children of any intelligence at Malik Sherman’s middle school.

Stephen Snertz had droopy eyes and half a goatee neatly trimmed on his chin. Judging by his very consistent stubble, he apparently shaved his upper lip and cheeks whenever he shaved his head.

Why Norman’s dad had hired this moron to work in the Ickes & Son family hardware store, Norman would never know.

Maybe because Snertz had been the star of the high school football team six years ago, back when Norman had been president of the chess club.

Maybe because Norman’s dad was a bigger wimp than Norman, always letting people push him around. His father even let Snertz keep a Smith & Wesson pistol tucked under the counter near the cash register for “security purposes.”

“What kind of screwy bolt is that, you nut?” said Snertz, raiding the plastic pumpkin, scooping up every last piece of candy corn.

“It’s a brainteaser.”

Something you’ll never need, he wanted to add, seeing how you don’t have a brain.

“Norman?” It was his father.

“Yes, Dad?”

“Oh, hello, Stephen.”

Snertz snorted snot up his nostrils. “Good afternoon, Herman.”

Norman’s father, Herman Ickes, was a timid man. He was barely five feet tall, and what little hair he had left on his head had gone white when he was in his late thirties. Everything scared him. His ulcers had ulcers.

“Norman, if you don’t mind, could you run down to the cellar? Mrs. Floyd is looking for an eight-foot stepladder.”

“Sure, Dad.”

“Thank you. Stephen?”

“Yeah, Herm?”

“Perhaps you can lend Norman a hand with the ladder?”

“Nah.” He popped a fistful of candy corn into his mouth. “I’m on my break.”

“Oh. I see. Sorry. I didn’t realize.”

“Yeah, well now you do.”

“Right.” Norman’s dad peeled another antacid tablet off his foil-wrapped roll. “Well, I’ll be in my office.”

“Great,” said Snertz. “I’ll be in the back. With the appliances.”

Norman rolled his eyes. That meant Snertz would be watching college football on TV for the rest of the afternoon while Norman hauled stepladders up from the cellar.

Ten minutes later, Norman was ringing up Mrs. Jessie Floyd at the cash register.

Stephen Snertz was in the back of the store, screaming at the TV screens.

Apparently, one of the referees was an idiot.

Norman’s dad was still in his office. With the door locked. He liked to hide in there a lot.

“Can you help me carry this to my car?” asked Mrs. Floyd, who was about sixty years old.

“I guess,” said Norman. He came out from behind the counter and hoisted the eight-foot stepladder off the floor. The thing felt like it weighed five hundred pounds, even though the sticker on its side claimed it only weighed twenty-six point two. “Stephen? Watch the register. I’m helping Mrs. Floyd.”

“What?” Snertz shouted, unable to hear him over the roar of eight different football games on eight different TVs.

So Norman swung around to repeat himself.

The ladder swung with him and took out the display racks in front of the counter. Rolls of duct tape went flying.

Norman spun back around.

This time, he took out everything stacked on top of the counter: washers, wing nuts, the disco-dancing Frankenstein doll, the plastic pumpkin, and the entire key and key ring rack.

“Smooth move, Ex-Lax!” shouted Snertz. “What a wimp. Just like your old man!”

Head down, Norman Ickes shuffled out the front door, toting Mrs. Floyd’s ladder.

She was snickering at him, too.

Norman’s shoulders sagged.

Stephen Snertz was right.

He was a wimp. Just like his father.

They should call their hardware store Wimp & Son. Better yet, Wimp & Wimpier.