The Chantry Guild

CHAPTER 6

"Take a float at the desk, here," Ajela answered, looking at the tall, remarkably young-looking woman, whose hair was so light blond it was almost white. "There's one waiting for you."

As Amanda came from the door, which had provided some measure of her size, her height became less apparent. The length of her arms, legs and body, and her breadth of shoulder, so well matched her size that only by some kind of contrast was it noticeable. She was, thought Ajela, like Hal in that. You did not realize how large he was, either, until someone you knew to be of ordinary size stood close to him. She was wearing serviceable, neutral-colored clothing that somehow did nothing to detract from her presence.

What Ajela found herself noticing in particular was the lightness with which Amanda moved. She had the body balance of a dancer, and that trait was curiously in harmony with the otherwise difficult to believe youthfulness she seemed to project. She could pass, thought Ajela, for a girl in her teens - and yet Ajela knew her to be certainly older than Hal, and possibly older as well than either Rukh or herself - not that either she or Rukh were out of their twenties.

The appearance of youth in the newcomer was so unbelievable it could be appreciated only when you were actually looking at her. After she had gone, memory would be doubted. That, taken together with the classical quality of her from beauty - even her shoulder-length fair hair and the apt turquoise eyes somehow fitted - seemed to set her a little everyone else. And yet, even the sum of all the different elements failed to explain the strongest effect she makes on a viewer. There was a power in her.

It was a quality which words failed as memory would. But it was like something Ajela had never felt before in anyone, It was curiously comparable to, though not the same as she felt there to be in Hal when close to him. In his actual presence she had always been able to feel a concern in him for those around him that was like the warmth radiated by a lighted fireplace.

With Amanda it was something different. The closest Ajela could come to expressing it, was that in the other woman there was something which strongly reminded Ajela of the strength and clean white lines of an Ionic pillar, in a temple of classical Greece.

To Amanda, on the other hand, as she approached the desk, Rukh and Ajela were both much as she had pictured them from Hal's descriptions. She had wanted to see them for herself, for a long time. Not only because of what they were, but obviously because of what they each in their separate ways meant to Hal, and because it was also obvious that Hal's affection for each was deep and strong-running.

It was not that she feared competition for his love of her. She was the Third Amanda in eight generations of Morgans ,and she had been hand-picked by the Second Amanda as a baby, in the other's old age. Hand-picked, and with her natural abilities trained until she was set apart from the mass of people around her, like a queen.

In this there was more to it than the fact there had been only three Amandas in eight generations of the Morgans of Foralie, on the Dorsai. In a very real sense, there had only been three Amandas since the human race began, and it had fallen to her to be the last and strongest. With or without Hal, she would be that. But she loved him.

However, now that she saw them in person, she knew that she would like them, and they would end up liking her - though Ajela would be the slower of the two to come to it. They were both strong women, and life had also made each of them the equivalent of royalty, in her own right. Moreover, Ajela had now had experience in the possession and exercise of great authority.

She was dressed in what seemed more like leisure than working clothes. She wore a sleeveless tunic of medium brown, ornamented with gold brocade over a blouse of filmier material with balloon-shaped sleeves, above darker brown pantaloons. Amber bracelets were on her wrists and amber earrings in her ear. Still, the way she sat and the level gaze of her hazel eyes made these garments and even her jewelry seem to fit her like a uniform of authority. Rukh, on the other hand, had been born, as Amanda knew, with unusual strength of spirit in her, but plainly counted it as nothing in her own scale of values. Far outranking any personal power of her own, the quality that was in her of what she called Faith shone through the dark lantern of her body, even through the long, high-collared, wine-red dress she was now wearing, like the light of a candle through the horn windows of some ancient lantern, illuminating everyone around her. Also, Rukh was older than Ajela in her experience of life and death, and, like Amanda, had been a warrior. In fact she was still a warrior, for all that she lived and preached peace. She always would be. In that one element, if in no other, it was immediately recognizable to both of them as their eyes met, that they were alike. "I came right away, as soon as the message reached me," said Amanda, taking the empty float. She looked at the others sympathetically. It would not have been easy for either of these to admit to themselves that they were helpless, and that she might do what they could not. "Faster than we expected," said Rukh. "We didn't dare say so in the message, but it's Hal, of course. We knew you'd read that between the lines and come quickly."

Amanda smiled. "It was clear enough, what you wanted to tell me," she said. "You'd know it would take something like that to bring me back like this. What is it with Hal?" "He's a case of burn-out," said Ajela bluntly.

She checked herself, rubbing her fingers for a second over her eyes. "Would you explain to her, Rukh? With Tam and all... I think you'll do a better job of it than I can, right now." "He wants to go looking for death," said Rukh, "or tells himself that's what he wants, because, you know as well as I, it's not in him to do that. He's just told us he wants to give up his search for the answer we all need, the search he's been on all his life." "What brought him to this?" said Amanda. "Frustration-" Ajela broke off. "Sorry, Rukh. I asked you to tell it. Go ahead." "But you 're right," said Rukh. She turned her gaze back to Amanda. "Ever since he got the necessary people back here on Old Earth and the phase-shield up, he's been expecting at any moment to find the last step to the Creative Universe he's dreamed of reaching for so long. He's been working at it without a break, all that time. In the process, he's found a way to make all the knowledge of the Final Encyclopedia available to his mind. But even with that and all else that's in him, he's made no progress at all. Now he believes he's got to find a breakthrough, give up, or go insane, and, as all of us know, he won't accept insanity as a way out. So he plans to quit. Leave. Enlist with the Earthborns under another name for Dorsai training. " "The first Dorsai that sees him will recognize who trained him - pick him out in two seconds from the rest," I said Amanda. "Would that Officer force him to reveal himself as Hal Mayne?" Rukh's voice was level.

There was a moment's silence. "No... Of Course not," said Amanda then. "Not if Hal didn't want it. That's not our way - if he had personal reasons for not being recognized or promoted, no explanation from him would be necessary. But even at that, it's only a short matter of time until Bleys would find out who and where he was and then all the worlds would know." "Hal wants the Worlds to know," said Ajela. "He says it's a matter of the fabric of historic forces. He believes his going would leave a vacuum that'd work against Bleys." "He could be right in that," said Amanda slowly, after a moment. "But he's wrong in giving up. Besides, he can't quit. For him, that's impossible. He must have just worked himself blind enough to make himself believe he can go hunting the dragon."

"Hunting the dragon?" echoed Rukh. "It's a Dorsai saying," said Amanda absently. "It means roughly... taking on something you know you can't handle, deliberately to arrange for your own end."

She looked at them, "Because, you realize, if he did that," she went on, "there'd be no more cause for Bleys to hold off trying to kill him." "He'd be safe here," muttered Ajela. "You'd think common sense - No place is safe, if Bleys really wanted to get him. Up until now he's shared Hal's point of view, that if either one took the simple way to a solution by killing the other, it wouldn't alter the confrontation of historic forces between the two halves of the race. " "And that's the only reason Bleys has held off, until now?" Rukh asked. "I thought there was something personal there." "There is, in a sense." Amanda looked at her, at the slim cross cut into the circle of granite at Rukh's neck. "We, all of us, each have something. But Bleys has nothing, and never has had - except in Hal." "How - in Hal?" Ajela leaned forward, intrigued. "They're worst enemies," said Amanda, "which is close, in a strange way, to being best friends. Because what makes them enemies is so much larger than anything personal between them, that Bleys is free to admire Hal - and he admires no one else in the human race, alive or dead."

She became more brisk. "However... tell me when this started," she went on. "When did he start giving up?" "He didn't mention it until today - in fact, just before you got here," answered Rukh. "But in himself he must have given up some months ago, Earth time. It showed that far back - to Ajela and myself. We did what we could, and when nothing helped, finally we sent for you. You got here just in time."

"How many months?" Ajela and Rukh exchanged glances. Ajela remained silent, so Rukh turned again to Amanda. "My best guess would be he started giving up about half a year ago. Ajela?"

Ajela made a small, almost helpless gesture with one hand.

"I only really noticed it after you brought my attention to it, three or four months ago. I've been tied up with trying to get the Earth-born to pull all together, for the first time in their history. The trouble's been for the first couple of years, most of them couldn't actually believe THEY could really be under attack. But what with that problem... and Tam" She subsided. "I'd say he started thinking he wouldn't ever be able to find what he was looking for, roughly a half year ago," Rukh went on in a level voice. "At what point he actually gave up, if he really did - internally, I mean - I don't know. I agree with you. He hasn't, really, even now. It's just that he's reached the point where he feels he has to do something, and it looks to him as if every way's blocked but back, so he's made a conscious decision to go back, by giving up. What do you think?"

Amanda looked past them. "I think you're right," she answered. "He chose as a child to go after it - this thing he has to find. It's far too late now for him to turn away from it. He can make his body and conscious mind leave it alone, but that won't help. His instinct's to attack a problem and keep on attacking it as long as he's alive and it's still there. But my guess is his trouble may not be quite what you've believed. I don't think he could really have gotten stuck in a dead-end corridor. I think he created it." "How?" said Rukh. "I'm not sure I follow you, Amanda Morgan. " "I'm sure," said Amanda slowly, "he thinks he's been trying all sorts of ways to reach through to what he wants to find and that he could go on trying forever and still not find it. But that can' t be the real case." "What is the real case then?" Ajela leaned forward. "Perhaps, just that he's trying to prod himself to break out and find a new angle of attack," answered Amanda. "Unconsciously, I think he knows he's chased this problem until he's lost his perspective on it. He's become frustrated, and his instinct to attack's betraying him. He's gotten himself trapped into a circular path, making the same attack at the same no-answer over and over again, and telling himself it's a different route each time."

She stopped. The other two sat looking at her.

"If that's it," said Rukh at last, in that same level voice, "what's to be done with him?" "Help him to stand back and take a look at the problem from a wider angle." "How?" asked Ajela.

Amanda looked hard at her. "I just walked through that door a few minutes ago," she said. "Up until then I hadn't heard what was wrong with him, let alone what the symptoms are. I'll think. The two of you might be thinking also."

There was another silence, this one with a certain sharpness to it. "You're right," said Ajela. "I'm sorry, Amanda. I've gotten a little too much in the habit of snapping out questions and orders, these last few years. I'll be frank. I don't see any answer at the moment, and I get the feeling if there is one it won't be quick or easy to find." "Yes," said Rukh, "and I think something else. I think it's not something that's going to come calling in answer to puzzling over it. Whoever finds it is going to have to feet her way to it. And the most likely candidate to do that is you, Amanda." "Yes," said Ajela, "you've got the advantage. He loves you, Amanda. " "You mean, I love him," said Amanda evenly. "Yes," said Ajela, meeting her gaze squarely, "of course that's what I meant."

Rukh's voice interposed itself between them. "Aside from any aspect of feelings," she said calmly, we've seen him every day - well, almost. Ajela and I may be too close to this part of the problem, ourselves. You're going to be looking at him for the first time in some time." "Over three years," said Amanda.

Rukh looked at her shrewdly. "You're not saying you're out of touch-" "No, he and I have never been out of touch," answered Amanda. "Don't you both know people you haven't seen for a long time, and still, when you do get back together again, you pick up just where you left of. That... only stronger. He can have changed. I can have changed. But there won't be any new different opinions fine one moment.

No, the fact we've been separated's not going to be a problem. The problem will be getting him to accept a solution to his situation besides the one he's come to himself. The Graemes are a hardheaded lot, and Donal has never been turned aside from his decisions by any other human being." "You think there's that much of Donal Graeme left in Hal?" said Ajela. "Of course there is, Ajela," said Rukh gently to her. "Nobody can ever escape what they've been. Have you forgotten how much of you is still Exotic? And you left Mara for the Encyclopedia when you were twelve years old, didn't you?"

Ajela smiled a little wanly. "Perhaps too often, I forget," she said. "No, you're right. Rukh. It's just that I've always just known him as Hal, and being an Exotic, I probably don't understand what all the rest of you know about violence - sorry, Amanda. I know that's the wrong word. " "No, it's not," said Amanda. "Is it, Rukh Tamani?" "No," said Rukh. "Whoso thinketh violence, knoweth violence. It was in God's name, but I knew violence." "But to get back to what we're talking about," said Amanda, "Rukh's right. I'll have to feel my way to the answer. That doesn't say I'll find it. Either one of you may be the one to find it. "

She smiled at them. "So you'll both keep after it, too?" "You know we will, Amanda," Rukh said. It was the first time she had used Amanda's given name only. Amanda smiled in acknowledgement and appreciation and got a smile back that took account of the bond of experience between them. "Of course," Amanda said. "I shouldn't have even asked. Well, then, if you've told me all you want to say for the moment, can I go to Hal now?" "I'll call to say you're coming-"

Ajela's hand, which had been reaching out to the control studs on her desk, checked as Amanda interrupted. "if you don't mind, I'd rather simply appear," she said. "Can you just direct me to wherever he is at the moment?" "Of course," said Ajela. "That's a good idea, in fact. You may well learn more from him, suddenly appearing without warning. He's in his rooms. I'll align this corridor outside with them. First door to your right, then, as you go out." "Thanks," said Amanda, getting up from her float. "We'll talk again shortly?" "As soon as you want. It may be a quarter or a half an hour, usually, before I can get loose, if I'm tied up talking to someone, or in some kind of conference with the people down on the surface, but just as soon as I can, I'll be available. Tell Rukh whenever you want us three to meet again." "You can reach me anytime using the internal communication system of the Encyclopedia," put in Rukh.

Amanda was already on her way to the door. She stopped and turned back for a moment. "Good, I'll do that," she said, and smiled once more at them. "It's been very good meeting you both, at last. Don't worry. I trust in Hal - the inner Hal. You should, too."

Ajela, unlike Rukh, did not return the smile. "We always have," said Ajela emptily, "but if after all this time he gives up and leaves us, what hope is there for Earth, for the race? For everyone?"

Rukh turned and looked across the desk at her. "There is hope in God," she said strongly, "who never leaves us."

Neither Amanda nor Ajela spoke. There was silence in the room. Then Amanda turned once more, and went, decisively, toward the door. "I'll talk to you both shortly," she said, and went out.

As the door clicked softly shut behind her, Amanda thought that it might not be all as simple as she had made it sound when she was inside talking about Hal. One of the other two - it might have been either or both - might have been putting pressure on him, all these months, without realizing it. Well, she would deal with that if she came across it. Ajela in particular might have been guilty of pressuring without knowing it. She turned right, as Ajela had directed. Ten meters down a somewhat longer corridor than the one she remembered walking in on the way to Ajela's office, she found the door the other woman had mentioned. Without announcing herself, she touched its latch button and stepped inside as it slid open before her. Hal was sitting at his desk and he looked up to stare at her sudden appearance.

She stopped just inside the door, which slid closed again, and stood smiling at his startled face some five meters away from her. "So you've forgotten what I look like already," she said. The humor and her lightness of tone were a cover for the moment, for in that second she had seen him for the first time in three years. What she saw was a big man - for when he had chosen to regrow from babyhood as Hal Mayne, he had come back not in the bone and flesh of the man he had been as Donal Graeme, but like one of his towering twin uncles Kensie and Ian. The Dorsai were not by any means all big - though statistically they averaged more in height and weight than those of the other Younger Worlds and Old Earth. But there were some families, like the Graemes and the ap Morgans, who tended to run large compared to that average, and some among these were larger yet. Even grown, Donal had felt like a dwarf among his own family. Therefore the imitation of Ian.

It was a small vanity. Amanda, who had known Ian in his old age, had teased Hal gently about it. But she did not feel like teasing him now. The man before her no more showed obvious physical signs of stress than Ajela or Rukh had, but Amanda, who knew him so and could look into his soul better than anyone else alive, saw him there, as gaunt and sharpened by his inner struggles as a hermit.

But nearly all of that was hidden within him. Outwardly, he showed only the familiar strong-boned face, with clear green eyes under thick black eyebrows and straight, coarse black hair, his large and sinewy hands dwarfing the control keys beside the screen inset in the top of the desk, on which he was composing some piece of writing.

But the look of startlement lasted only a second. An almost imperceptible tap of his finger erased whatever he had been working on and he was up and around the desk, coming toward her. They met in the middle of the room. "I had a report to make-," she began, but his arms were already around her and his mouth on hers was cutting off the rest of the words, with a fierce hunger she had never felt in him before. She responded for a long moment, then pulled her head back forcibly and laughed up at him. "You won't even give me a chance to tell you how I happen to be here" she said.

"It doesn't matter," he answered. He kissed her hungrily again, drowning himself in her. He had wanted her here for three years, as someone lost in a desert would want a drink of water, but there was now also something else. Something new in him this last year, that had feared her coming. For he knew now that he had been refusing to face the consequences as far as they two were concerned, of the decision he had just announced to Ajela and Rukh, his decision to give up.

There was no other way it could be. His leaving the battle while she was still in it, must part them for good, whether either of them might want it that way or not.