The Egyptian

6

A few days later the death of Taia, the Queen Mother, occurred. She died of the bite of an asp while overhauling fowling nets in the palace gardens. Her own physician was not at hand as is often the case with physicians when they are most needed, and I was summoned from Thebes. But when I arrived at the golden house, I could do no more than certify her death, for which I could not be blamed, for the bite of an asp is always fatal unless the wound can be incised before the pulse has beaten a hundred times, and the veins above it closed.

Custom required that I should remain in the golden house until the porters from the House of Death arrived to bear away the body. Thus it was I encountered the somber priest, Eie, beside the bier.

He touched the swollen cheeks of the Queen Mother and said, “It was time she died, for she was a repulsive old woman who intrigued against me. Her own acts condemned her, and I hope that now she is dead the unrest among the people will subside.”

I do not think that Eie had murdered her, for he would scarcely have dared to do that: joint crimes and shared secrets form bonds more powerful than those of love.

News of the death spread through Thebes. The citizens arrayed themselves in their best clothes and gathered joyfully in the streets and squares. To gain their favor, Eie caused Queen Taia’s Negro sorcerers to be driven with whips from the cellars of the golden house. There were four of them, also a witch woman as fat and ugly as a hippopotamus. The guards drove them out through the Papyrus Gate, where the mob fell on them and tore them to pieces. Not all their witchcraft availed to save them then. Eie had all the materials of their craft burned where they lay, their drugs and sacred tree stumps also, which I regretted, for I should have been glad to examine these things.

No one in the palace mourned the death of the Queen or the fate of her sorcerers. Only Princess Baketaton approached her mother’s body, and as she laid her beautiful hands upon those dark ones, she said, “Your husband did ill, Mother, in letting the people tear your black sorcerers in pieces.”

She also said to me, “These magicians were in no way wicked, and they did not willingly dwell here. They longed to return to their jungles and their straw huts. They should not have been punished for my mother’s deeds.”

Such was my meeting with Princess Baketaton. She spoke with me, and I was impressed by her proud bearing and her lovely head. She asked after Horemheb and spoke sneeringly of him.

“Horemheb is of low birth, and his speech is rough, but if he took a wife, he might breed a great race. Can you tell me, Sinuhe, why he has not done so?”

I said to her, “You are not the first to ask this, royal Baketaton, and for your beauty’s sake I will tell you what I have never dared tell anyone. When as a boy Horemheb came to the palace, he chanced to see the moon. Since then he has been unable to look on any woman to break the jar with her. How is it with you, Baketaton? No tree can bloom eternally; it must also bear. As a physician I should rejoice to see your belly swell in fruitfulness.”

She tossed her head proudly and said, “You know very well, Sinuhe, that my blood is too sacred to be mingled even with the purest blood of Egypt. Better it would have been for my brother to take me to wife, in accordance with tradition, and I should doubtless long ago have borne him a son. Were the power mine, I should have Horemheb’s eyes put out, so degrading is it to think that he has dared to raise his eyes to the moon. Frankly, Sinuhe, the very thought of men repels me, for their touch is coarse and their hard limbs can bruise a fragile woman. I believe the pleasure they give us is greatly overrated.”

But her eyes began to glitter with excitement, and she breathed hard as she spoke. Perceiving that such talk gave her intense pleasure, I said, “I have seen my friend Horemheb burst a strong copper ring on his arm, merely by bracing his muscles. His limbs are long and graceful, and his chest resounds like a drum when he strikes it with his fists in anger. The court ladies pursue him like cats, and he can do what he likes with anyone.”

Princess Baketaton looked at me. Her painted mouth quivered, and her eyes blazed as she exclaimed wrathfully, “Sinuhe, your words are exceedingly repugnant to me, and I do not know why you plague me with this Horemheb. He was born with dung between the toes, and even his name revolts me. Why must you talk thus in the presence of the dead?”

I did not care to remind her who had first turned the conversation to Horemheb. I feigned repentance and said, “Oh, Baketaton, remain a flowering tree, for your body grows no older and you will blossom for many years to come. Had your mother no trusted lady-in-waiting who could mourn by her body until the House of Death sends to fetch it? I would weep myself, but I am a physician and my tears ran dry long ago in the continued presence of death. Life is a day of heat, and death perhaps a cool night. Life is a shallow bay, Baketaton, and death the clear, deep water.”

She said, “Speak not of death, Sinuhe, for life is still sweet to me. It is shameful that there is no one to mourn beside my mother. I may not weep, for it is inconsistent with my dignity, but I will send for some court lady to weep with you, Sinuhe.”

I jested with her.

“Divine Baketaton, your beauty has stirred me, and your speech has fed my fire with oil. Send me some old hag, that I be not tempted to seduce her, and so bring disgrace upon a house of mourning.”

She shook her head in rebuke.

“Sinuhe, Sinuhe! Have you no shame at all? Even if you do not fear the gods-for this is reported of you-you should feel respect for death.”

Being a woman, she was not offended at my words and went away to fetch a lady of the court to weep by the bier until the porters from the House of Death should arrive.

I had had reason for my godless talk and now waited impatiently for the arrival of a mourner. She came, and she was older and uglier than I had dared to hope. The widows of Taia’s late husband still lived in the women’s house, and also Pharaoh Akhnaton’s wives, with the wet nurses and the ladies-in-waiting.

This old woman was named Mehunefer, and her face showed me that she loved men and wine. As her duty required, she began to weep and sob and tear her hair beside the dead queen.

I fetched wine, and after she had been mourning for some time, she consented to taste it. As a physician I assured her that it would sustain her in her great sorrow. Then I began to lay siege to her and to praise her former beauty. I spoke also of children and of Pharaoh Akhnaton’s little daughters.

At last with feigned simplicity I asked, “Is it true that the Queen Mother was the only one of immortal Pharaoh’s wives to bear him a son?”

Mehunefer shot a terrified glance at the dead woman and shook her head to silence me, I plied her once more with fair and flattering words, spoke of her hair and clothes and jewels, and also of her eyes and lips. At last she altogether forgot her weeping and gazed at me enchanted.

A woman will always accept such talk, however false she knows it to be. The older and uglier she is the more readily will she do so, because she desires to believe it. Thus we became good friends. When the porters from the House of Death came and carried away the body, she invited me to her room with much solicitude and drank more wine with me. Gradually her tongue loosened; she stroked my cheeks, called me a handsome boy, and recounted to me a quantity of palace gossip of the most shameless order, to inflame me.

She nuzzled at my shoulders and ears, but I held her from me and said, “The great Queen Taia was clever at tying reeds, was she not? Did she not fashion little boats of them and send them down the river by night?”

These words of mine severely startled her, and she demanded how I knew it. But the wine distorted her judgment, and being desirous of displaying her knowledge, she said, “I know more than you! I know that at least three newborn boys floated away downstream like the children of the very poor. Before the coming of Eie, the old witch feared the gods and was loath to soil her hands with blood. It was Eie who taught her how to administer poison, so that Princess Tadukhipa of Mitanni died while she was yet weeping and calling for her son and would have fled from the palace to seek him.”

“O fair Mehunefer!” said I, stroking her heavy, painted cheeks. “You take advantage of my youth and inexperience and stuff me with tales that have no truth in them. The Princess of Mitanni bore no son. If she did, then when did the birth occur?”

“You are far from being young and inexperienced, Sinuhe the physician!” she sniggered. “On the contrary, your hands are sly and false, and falsest of all is your tongue, which spits brazen lies into my face. Yet such lies are sweet to an old woman’s ears, and I cannot choose but tell you of the Princess of Mitanni, who might have become the royal consort. Know then, Sinuhe, that Princess Tadukhipa was but a little girl when she arrived at the women’s house of Pharaoh Amen- hotep. She played with dolls and grew up in the women’s house, just

Jike that other little princess who was married to Akhnaton and who also died. Pharaoh Amenhotep did not possess her but loved her as a child and played with her and gave her toys of gold.

“But Tadukhipa grew to womanhood, and at fourteen her limbs were delicate and slender, her skin was ashen fair like the skin of all Mitannian women, and there was a distant gaze in her dark eyes. Then Pharaoh fulfilled his duty to her as he fulfilled it joyfully with many women despite Taia’s intrigues, for in such matters a man is difficult to restrain until the roots of his tree are dried up. Thus a seed began to sprout for Tadukhipa, and after a little while for Taia also, who rejoiced, for she had already given Pharaoh a daughter-namely, this haughty Baketaton.”

She fortified her tongue with wine and continued garrulously, “It is well known that Taia’s seed was native to Heliopolis, but it is as well not to speak of that. She endured great anguish during the period of Tadukhipa’s pregnancy and did what she could to procure a miscarriage-as she did with many others in the women’s house-with the help of her Negro sorcerers. Within the last few years she had sent two newborn boys down the river, but these were of less account, being the sons of minor wives who feared Taia greatly; she gave them many presents and reconciled them to finding girl babies beside them instead of boys. But the Princess of Mitanni was a more dangerous rival, for she was of royal blood and had powerful friends; she hoped to become the royal consort in place of Taia if only she might bear a son. Yet so great was Taia’s influence and so fierce became her disposition as the seed ripened within her that no one dared oppose her. Moreover Eie, whom she had brought with her from Heliopolis, stood at her side.

“When the Princess’ time was come, her friends were sent away and the Negro sorcerers surrounded her-to ‘ease her pains’ they said. When she begged to see her son, they showed a dead girl-baby. But she did not believe what Taia told her, and I, Mehunefer, know that the child she bore was a son, that he lived, and that during the same night he was set to drift down the river in a reed boat.”

I laughed loudly and asked, “How should you, of all people, know that, fair Mehunefer?”

She flared up, and wine trickled down her chin from her cup.

“By all the gods! I gathered the reeds with my own hands since Taia was loath to wade into the water while with child.”

Aghast at her words I sprang up, emptied my goblet on the floor, and rubbed the spilled wine into the mat with my foot to show my horror.

Mehunefer grasped my hands, and dragging me down again beside her, she said, “I never meant to tell you that, and I have done myself harm thereby. There is I know not what about you, Sinuhe, that so irresistibly works on me that my heart has no secrets from you. I confess: I cut the reeds, and Taia fashioned a boat of them, for she would not entrust the secret to servants, and she had bound me to her by witchcraft and by my own deeds. I waded out and cut the reeds, which she knotted together in the darkness, laughing to herself and uttering profanities in her delight at thus vanquishing the Princess of Mitanni.

“I soothed my heart by pretending that someone would surely find the child, although I knew this could never be. The babes who drift down the river either perish in the heat of the sun or are snapped up by crocodiles and birds of prey. But the Princess of Mitanni would not be silenced. The color of the dead baby’s skin differed from that of her own; the shape of its head also was different. She would not believe that she had borne it. The women of Mitanni have skin as smooth as the skin of a fruit, with the color of smoke or pale ash, and their heads are small and beautiful. She began to weep and mourn, and she tore her hair and reviled Taia and the sorcerers until Taia bade them administer a narcotic and gave it out that Tadukhipa had lost her reason because her child was stillborn. After the manner of men, Pharaoh believed Taia rather than Tadukhipa. Thenceforth Tadukhipa began to pine away, and at last she died. Before she died, she attempted several times to fly from the golden house and seek her son, wherefore it was generally supposed that her reason had been darkened.”

I looked at my hands, and they were pale compared with Mehunefer’s monkey paws; the skin was the color of smoke. So intense was my agitation that I put my question in a strangled voice, “Fair Mehunefer, can you tell me when it was that all this came about?”

She stroked the nape of my neck with her swarthy fingers and said in wheedling tones, “Oh, handsome boy, why do you waste precious moments on these bygone things when you might make better use of your time? Since I can refuse you nothing, I will tell you that it happened when the great Pharaoh had reigned for twenty-two years, in the autumn when the waters stood at their highest. Should you wonder at my accuracy, know that Pharaoh Akhnaton was born in the same year, albeit in the following spring, in the sowing season. That is how I remember.”

At her words I froze with horror and could make no defensive movement, nor even felt her wine-wet mouth on my cheeks. She put her arm about me and pressed me to her, calling me her little bull and her dove. I held her at bay with my thoughts in a turmoil, and my whole being revolted against this terrible knowledge. If what she said was true, then the blood of the great Pharaoh ran in my veins. I was Pharaoh Akhnaton’s half-brother and might have been Pharaoh before him had not the guile of Taia overcome my dead mother’s love. I. stared before me in sudden understanding of my loneliness: royal blood is ever alone among the people.

But Mehunefer’s importunity brought me to myself. I was forced to exert myself to the utmost to withstand her caresses, which were repugnant to me. I urged her to more wine, that she might become too sodden to remember what she had told me. Then she became altogether abominable, and I was compelled to drug her wine with poppy juice to send her to sleep and so be quit of her.

When at last I left her room in the women’s house, night had fallen, and the guards and servants of the palace pointed at me and tittered among themselves. I fancied this was because I staggered in my gait and my clothes were crumpled. At my house Merit was awaiting me, being uneasy at my long absence and wishing to learn particulars of the Queen’s death. When she saw me, she clapped her hands to her mouth and Muti did the same, and they exchanged looks.

At length Muti said to Merit in a bitter voice, “Have I not told you a thousand times that men are all alike and not to be trusted?”

But I was worn out and desired to be alone with my thoughts, and I said to them angrily, “My day has been wearisome, and I cannot endure your nagging.”

Then Merit’s eyes grew hard and her face dark with anger. Holding a silver mirror before my face she said, “Look at yourself, Sinuhe! I have never forbidden you to take pleasure with strange women, but I could wish you might conceal the matter so as not to wound my heart. You cannot pretend, in your defense, that you were lonely and sorrowful when you left the house today.”

I looked at my face and was greatly shocked, for it was smeared with Mehunefer’s paint. Her mouth had left red patches on my cheeks and temples and on my neck. I appeared like a victim of the plague. Ashamed, I made speed to wipe my face while Merit mercilessly held the mirror.

When I had washed my face with oil, I said repentantly, “You have misunderstood the whole matter, Merit, my most dear. Let me explain.”

She looked at me coldly.

“No explanations are needed, Sinuhe, and I do not wish you to soil your lips with lies for my sake. That face of yours was impossible to misunderstand.”

I had much ado to soothe her. Muti burst into tears on her behalf. Covering her face, she retired to the kitchen, spitting her contempt for men in general. I had more difficulty in pacifying Merit than I had had in ridding myself of Mehunefer.

At last I cursed all women and said, “Merit, you know me better than anyone and should therefore be able to trust me. Believe that if I so wished I could explain the matter to your full satisfaction, but the secret may well belong to the golden house. For your own sake it is better that you should not learn it.”

Her tongue was sharper than the sting of a wasp as she retorted, “I thought I knew you, Sinuhe, but it seems there are abysses in your heart that I never even suspected. You do well to protect the woman’s honor, and far be it from me to pry into your secret. You are free to come and go as you will, and I thank all the gods that I had sense enough to preserve my freedom and refused to break the jar with you-that is, if you ever meant what you said. Ah, Sinuhe, how foolish I have been to believe your lying words, for you have been whispering those same words into beautiful ears all this evening-and I wish I were dead.”

I would have stroked her soothingly, but she drew back.

“Keep your hands away from me, Sinuhe, for you must be weary after rolling on the soft mats of the palace. I have no doubt that they are softer than my mat and that you found there younger and more beautiful companions than myself.”

So she went on, piercing my heart with small, smarting wounds until I thought I should go raving mad. Only then did she leave me, forbidding me even to accompany her to the Crocodile’s Tail. I should have suffered more keenly still at her going if my thoughts had not been raging within me like tempestuous seas and if I had not longed to be alone with them. I let her go, and I fancy she was amazed that I did so without protest.

I lay awake all that night, and as the hours went by my thoughts became clear and detached with the melting away of the wine fumes, and my limbs shook with cold because I had no one to warm me. I listened to the gentle trickle of the water clock. The water did not cease its flow, and time went by unmeasured so that I felt remote even from myself.

I said to my heart, “I, Sinuhe, am what my own actions have made me. Nothing else is of any significance. I, Sinuhe, brought my foster parents to an untimely death for the sake of a cruel woman. I, Sinuhe, still keep the silver ribbon from the hair of Minea, my sister. I, Sinuhe, have seen a dead sea monster floating on the water and the head of my beloved moving as crabs tore at her flesh. Of what importance is my blood? All was written in the stars before ever I was born, and I was predestined to be a stranger in the world. The peace of Akhetaton was a golden falsehood and this most terrible knowledge is but salutary; it has roused my heart from its slumber and convinced me that always I must be alone.”

When the sun rose in gold beyond the eastern hills, the shadows fled, and so strange is the heart of man that I laughed bitterly at the phantoms of my own brain. Every night abandoned children must have drifted with the current in boats tied with fowler’s knots, nor was the ashen color of my skin any evidence since a physician passes his days under roofs and awnings and so remains pale of complexion. No, in the light of day I could find no conclusive proof of my origin.

I washed and dressed, and Muti served me with beer and salt fish. Her eyes were red with weeping, and she despised me because I was a man. I then took a chair to the House of Life, where I examined patients, passing afterward by the deserted temple and out between the pylons, followed by the squawk of fat crows.

A swallow sped past me toward the temple of Aton, and I followed. The temple was not empty now. Many were there, listening to the hymns of Aton and raising their hands in his praise, while the priests instructed the people in Pharaoh’s truth. This in itself was of no great significance. Thebes was a large city, and curiosity might bring together a crowd in any part of it. I saw once more the carvings on the temple walls, and from the forty pillars Pharaoh Akhnaton gazed down on me with that face, which was so disturbing in its passion. I saw also the great Pharaoh Amenhotep sitting, old and frail, on his throne, his head bent beneath the weight of the double crown. Queen Taia sat beside him. Then I paused before a representation of Princess Tadukhipa of Mitanni making sacrifice to the gods of Egypt. The original inscription had been hewn away, and the new one declared that she was sacrificing to Aton although Aton was not worshiped in Thebes during her lifetime.

This image was carved in the old convention and showed her as a young and lovely woman, scarcely more than a girl. The little head beneath its royal headdress was beautiful, and her limbs delicate and slender. I gazed long upon the statue, while the swallow darted above my head with joyful twitterings, and I wept over the destiny of this lonely girl from a foreign land. For her sake I could have wished to be as beautiful as herself, but my limbs were heavy and soft and my head bald beneath the doctor’s wig. Thought had plowed furrows in my forehead, and my face was puffy with high living in Akhetaton. I could not imagine myself as her son. Nevertheless, I was profoundly moved and wept for her loneliness in Pharaoh’s golden house. And still the swallow darted joyfully about my head. I remembered the fine houses and the plaintive people of Mitanni; I remembered also the dusty roads and the threshing floors of Babylon and knew that youth had slipped past me forever and that my manhood had sunk into stagnation at Akhetaton.

Thus my day was spent, and when evening came, I went to the Crocodile’s Tail to eat and to be reconciled with Merit. She received me coldly and treated me like a stranger when she served me. When I had eaten, she asked, “Did you meet your beloved?”

I retorted irritably that I had not gone out after women but had worked in the House of Life and visited Aton’s temple. To make clear to her my sense of insult, I described minutely every step I had taken that day, but she regarded me throughout with a mocking smile.

“Never for a moment did I fancy that you had gone to visit women, for last night you were exhausted and are capable of nothing further, bald and fat as you are. I meant only that your beloved was here to ask for you, and I directed her steps to the House of Life.”

I sprang up so violently as to overturn my seat, and cried, “What do you mean, idiot woman?”

“She came here to seek you, arrayed like a bride; she had adorned herself with glittering jewels and painted herself like a monkey, and the reek of her ointments wafted as far as the river. She left you a greeting and a letter also, in case she should not find you-and from my heart I wish you would tell her to keep away, for this is a respectable house and she had the air of a brothel keeper.”

She handed me an unsealed letter, and I opened it with shaking hands. When I had read it, the blood surged into my head and my heart thudded in my breast. This is what Mehunefer wrote to me:

Greetings to Sinuhe the physician from his heart’s sister Mehunefer, Keeper of the Needle Case in Pharaoh’s golden house. My little bull, my dove, Sinuhe! I woke alone on my mat with an aching head and a still more aching heart, for my mat was deserted and you were gone.

Only the scent of your ointments clung to my hands. Oh, that I might be the cloth about your loins or the essence in your hair or the wine in your mouth, Sinuhe! I journey from house to house seeking you, and I will not cease this labor until I find you, for my body is full of ants at the thought of you, and your eyes are to me a delight. Hasten to me when you receive this-hasten on the wings of a bird, for my heart longs for you. If you do not come, I will fly to you more swiftly than any bird. Mehunefer, the sister of your heart, greets you.

I read this terrible effusion several times without daring to look at Merit. At last she snatched the letter from my hand, broke the stick on which it was rolled, tore up the paper, and stamped on it, saying furiously, “I could have understood you, Sinuhe, if she were young and fair, but she is old and wrinkled and ugly as a sack though she slaps paint on her face as upon a wall. I cannot imagine what you are thinking of, Sinuhe! Your behavior makes you a laughing stock all over Thebes, and I, too, am made ridiculous.”

I rent my clothes and clawed at my breast and cried, “Merit, I have committed an appalling blunder, but I had my reasons and never dreamed that I should be visited with so terrible a retribution! Seek out my boatmen and bid them hoist sail. I must fly, or this abominable hag will come and lie with me by force, and I am powerless to keep her at a distance. She writes that she will fly to me more swiftly than a bird, and so I believe she may!”

Merit saw my fear and my anguish and seemed at last to understand, for she broke into helpless laughter. Finally she said, in a voice that still shook with mirth, “This will teach you to be more careful where women are concerned, Sinuhe, or so I hope. We women are fragile vessels, and I know myself what a magician you are, Sinuhe my beloved!”

Her mocking was merciless. With feigned humility she said, “Doubtless this fine lady is more delightful to you than I can be. At least she has had twice as many years in which to perfect herself in the arts of love, and I cannot presume to compete with her. I fear that for her sake you will cruelly cast me off.”

So acute was my distress that I took Merit to my house and told her everything. I told her the secret of my birth and all that I had wheedled out of Mehunefer. I told her also why I wished to believe that my birth had nothing to do with the golden house or the Princess of Mitanni. As she listened, she fell silent and laughed no more but stared past me into the distance. The sorrow in her eyes darkened, and at last she laid her hand on my shoulder.

“Now I understand much that was a riddle to me. I understand why your solitude cried out to me, voiceless, and why my heart melted when you looked at me. I too have a secret, and of late I have been sorely tempted to impart it to you, but now I thank the gods that I have not done so. Secrets are heavy to bear and dangerous. It is better to keep them to oneself than to share them. Yet I am glad you have told me everything. As you say, you will be wise not to fret yourself with vain brooding over what may never have happened. Forget it as if it were a dream, and I also will forget.”

I was curious to know her secret, but she would not speak of it, only touched my cheek with her lips, put her arm about my neck, and wept a little.

At length she said, “If you stay in Thebes you will have trouble with Mehunefer, who will persecute you daily with her passion until your life is made intolerable. I have seen such women and know how terrible they can be. The fault is partly yours in that you made her believe all manner of nonsense, and cleverly. It seems wisest for you to return to Akhetaton. First write to her and conjure her to leave you in peace, or she will pursue you and break the jar with you in your defenselessness. That is a fate I would not wish for you.”

Her counsel was good, and I set Muti to gathering up my belongings and rolling them in mats. I then sent slaves to seek out my boatmen in the taverns and pleasure houses of the town. Meanwhile, I composed a letter to Mehunefer, but being unwilling to wound her, I. wrote with great courtesy, thus:

Sinuhe, the royal skull surgeon, greets Mehunefer, Keeper of the Needle Case in the golden house at Thebes. My friend, I sorely repent of my excited mood if it has led you to a misunderstanding of my heart. I cannot meet you again, for such an encounter might lead me into sin, my heart being already engaged. For this reason I am going away, hoping that you will remember me merely as a friend. With my letter I send you a jar of drink called ‘crocodile’s tail,’ which I hope may somewhat assuage any grief you may be feeling. I assure you that I am nothing to grieve for, being a tired old man in whom a woman such as you could find no delight. I rejoice that we have both been preserved from sin; that I shall not see you again is the sincere hope of your friend Sinuhe, Physician to the Household.

Merit shook her head at this letter, objecting that its tone was too gentle. In her opinion I should have expressed myself more curtly and told Mehunefer that she was an ugly old hag and that I was seeking escape from her persecution in flight. But I could not have written thus to any woman. After some argument Merit allowed me to roll up the letter and seal it although she continued to shake her head in foreboding. I sent a slave to the golden house with the letter and also the wine jar, to insure that on this evening at least Mehunefer would not pursue me. Believing myself rid of her, I heaved a sigh of relief.

When the letter was on its way and Muti was rolling my chests and coffers in mats for the journey, I looked at Merit and was filled with unspeakable sadness at the thought of losing her through my own stupidity. But for that I might well have remained in Thebes for some time to come.

Merit also seemed plunged in thought. Suddenly she asked, “Are you fond of children, Sinuhe?”

Her question bewildered me. Looking into my eyes she smiled a little sadly and said, “Have no fear! I do not intend to bear you any, but I have a friend with a four-year-old son, and she has often said how fine it would be for the boy to sail down the river and see the green meadows and the rolling plow land, and the water fowl and cattle, instead of the cats and dogs in the dusty streets of Thebes.”

I was much disturbed.

“You cannot mean me to take a rampaging infant on board to deprive me of my peace and bring my heart into my mouth continually for fear he may tumble overboard or thrust his arm into the jaws of a crocodile?”

Merit smiled, but sorrow darkened her eyes as she replied, “I do not want to cause you any vexation, but the voyage would do the boy good. I myself carried him to be circumcised and have some obligations toward him. I intended to come with the boy, of course, to see that he did not fall into the water. In this way I should have had good and sufficient reason for accompanying you. But I shall do nothing against your will; let us forget the matter.”

At this I shouted for joy and clapped my hands above my head.

“‘Truly this is a day of joy for me! In my dullness I never thought that you could come with me to Akhetaton, and you incur no injury to your reputation on my account if you bring a child with you as a Pretext for your journey.”

“Quite so, Sinuhe,” she said, with the irritating smile affected by Women in discussing matters that men do not understand. “My reputation will not be endangered if I bring a child. Oh, fools that men are] Nevertheless, I forgive you.”

Our departure was sudden because of my dread of Mehunefer, and we sailed at dawn. Merit brought the child to the ship swathed in blankets and still sleeping. His mother did not come although I would gladly have seen a woman who dared to call her child Thoth, for parents seldom presume to give their children the names of gods.’ Thoth is the god of writing and of all sciences, human and divine, so that the temerity of this woman was the greater. The boy slept peacefully in Merit’s arms, unburdened by his name, and never woke until the eternal guardians of Thebes sank below the horizon and the sun shone hot and golden on the river.

He was a brown, handsome, plump little boy; his hair was black and smooth as silk, and he had no fear of me but crept into my arms. I liked to hold him so, for he was quiet. He looked at me with his dark, thoughtful eyes as if he had long contemplated the riddles of existence. I grew very fond of him and made him little reed boats and let him play with my doctor’s things and smell the different drugs. He loved the smell of them and poked his nose into all the jars.

He was no trouble to us aboard ship. He neither fell into the water nor stuck his arm into the jaws of any crocodile, nor did he break my reed pens. Our voyage was all sunshine and good fortune, for Merit was with me. Every night she lay on the mat beside me, and the little boy slept peacefully nearby. It was a happy journey, and until the day of my death I shall remember the soughing of the reeds in the wind and the evenings when cattle were driven down to the water’s edge to drink. There were hours when my heart swelled with happiness as a ripe fruit bursts with the abundance of its juice.

I said to Merit, “Merit, my beloved, let us break the jar that we may be together forever, and perhaps one day you will bear me a son, like this little Thoth. You if anyone could give me just such a quiet, brown little fellow as he is. Truly I have never before desired children, but now my youth is past and my blood freed of its passion. When I look at little Thoth, I long to beget a child by you, Merit.”

She laid her hand on my mouth and turned away her head, saying softly, “Sinuhe, talk not so foolishly, for you know I grew up in a tavern. Perhaps I am no longer able to bear children. You, who carry your destiny in your heart, may find it better to remain alone and be able to order your life and actions untrammeled by wife or child-this I read in your eyes when first we met. No, Sinuhe, do not talk thus to me. Your words make me weak, and I would not shed tears when such happiness enfolds me. Others fashion their own destinies and bind themselves with a thousand bonds, but you bear your destiny in your heart, and it is a greater one than mine. I love this little boy and we have many hot, bright days before us on the river. Let us pretend that we have broken the jar together and are man and wife, and that Thoth is our own son. I shall teach him to call you father and 0ie mother, for he is small and will soon forget, and it will do him no harm. We will steal a scrap of life from the gods for these few days. Let no grief or fear of the morrow dim our happiness.”

So I dismissed all evil thoughts; I shut my eyes to the misery of Egypt and to the starving people in the villages along the banks, and I lived for each day as it came. Little Thoth put his arms about my neck, pressed his cheek to mine, and called me “Father.” His tender body was a delight to my arms. Each night I felt Merit’s hair against my neck; she held my hands in hers and breathed on my cheek. She was my friend, and I was no longer tormented by any evil dreams. The days slipped by: swiftly as breaths they passed and were gone. I will speak no more of them because their memory catches at my throat like chaff, and dew from my eyes blurs the script. Man ought not to be too happy, for nothing is more fleeting and elusive than happiness.