The Egyptian

5

There remains little to say of this sojourn in Thebes. A day came When Pharaoh Akhnaton summoned me because his headaches had become worse, and I could no longer postpone my departure. I bade farewell to Merit and little Thoth, for to my sorrow I could not take them with me on this journey since Pharaoh had commanded me to return with all possible speed.

I said to Merit, “Come after me, you and little Thoth! Dwell with me in my house at Akhetaton, and we will all be happy together.”

Merit said, “Take a flower from its place in the desert, plant it in rich soil, and water it every day, and it will wither and die. So would it be with me in Akhetaton, and your friendship for me would wither and die likewise when you compared me with the women of the court. They would take care to stress every point in which I differ from them-for I know women, and men also, I believe. It would ill become your rank to keep a tavern-bred woman in your house who year after year has been fumbled after by sots.”

I said to her, “Merit, my beloved, I will come to you as soon as I may, for I hunger and thirst every hour that I am absent from you. Many have left Akhetaton never to return, and perhaps I shall do the same.”

But she answered, “You say more than your heart can answer for, Sinuhe. I know you. I know that it is not in your nature to forsake Pharaoh when others forsake him. In the good days you might have done it, but now you cannot. Such is your heart, Sinuhe, and perhaps it is for this reason that I am your friend.”

Her words set my heart in a turmoil, and there was a prickling in my throat as of chaff when I reflected that I might lose her. Very earnestly I said to her, “Merit, Egypt is not the only country in the world. I am weary of battles between gods and of Pharaoh’s madness. Let us fly to some place far away and live together, you and I and little Thoth, without fear of the morrow.”

But Merit smiled and the sorrow in her eyes grew and darkened as she said, “Your talk is vain, and you know yourself that it is, yet even your lies please me because they show that you love me. But I do not think that you could live happily anywhere save in Egypt, nor I anywhere save in Thebes. No, Sinuhe, no man can escape his own heart. In course of time, when I had grown old and ugly and fat, you would sicken of me and hate me because of all you had missed on my account. I would rather give you up than see that happen.”

“You are my home and my country, Merit. You are the bread in my hand and the wine in my mouth, and you know it well. You are the one being in the world in whose company I am not lonely, and for that I love you.”

“Yes, indeed!” rejoined Merit a little bitterly. “I am but the cushion to soften your loneliness-when I am not your worn mat. But that is how it must be, arid I desire nothing else. Therefore, I do not tell you the secret that eats at my heart and which perhaps you should know. I will keep it to myself although in my weakness I had meant to tell you. It is for your sake I conceal it, Sinuhe, for your sake only.”

She would not confide her secret to me, for she was prouder than I and perhaps lonelier, although at that time I did not understand and thought only of myself. It is my belief that all men do so when they love, though this is no excuse for me. Men who believe they think of anything but themselves when they love are deluded, as they are in many other matters.

Once more, then, I departed from Thebes and went back to Akhetaton, and of that which followed there is nothing but evil to relate.