The Force for Good

Even the Dalai Lama concedes that humans will always create conflict — clashes of ideas are only natural. In order to cope with such clashes, good communication and mutual understanding are vital. In fact, it’s easier to create a healthy dialogue than you think.

There are a handful of basic moves that you can turn to during a confrontation with another. The first is as simple as saying something positive about the other person and something positive about yourself.

That’s exactly what philosopher A. J. Ayer did in 1987 at a high-society party in New York. Notified that somebody was being assaulted, Ayer rushed to the scene to find Mike Tyson forcing himself on then-unknown Naomi Campbell.

Ayer insisted that Tyson stop, to which Tyson asked him, “Don’t you know who the (expletive) I am? I’m Mike Tyson, heavyweight champion of the world.”

Ayer replied, “And I am the former Wykeham Professor of Logic. We are both preeminent men in our field; I suggest we talk about this like rational men.” While they talked, Campbell slipped safely out of the room.

In this situation, Ayer demonstrated commendable emotional intelligence. By saying something positive about Tyson and about himself, he established the foundation for an open dialogue on a level playing field.

But what if you’re facing a conflict that’s been around for months, years, even centuries? The solution is simple: friendship between individuals.

To prove that this approach really works, social psychologist Thomas Pettigrew tracked down more than 500 studies from more than 38 countries, with responses from a quarter of a million people. He found that time and time again, an emotional involvement with someone from an opposing group, be it a friendship or a romance, was enough to overcome prejudice.