The Hot Rock

2

Dortmunder's New York probation officer was an overworked and undermotivated balding man named Steen. Two days after Dortmunder was rescued from the dog by Greenwood and Kelp, he sat for one of his regular interviews in Steen's office and Steen said, "Well, it looks as though you're really going straight this time, Dortmunder. That's very good."

"I've learned my lesson," Dortmunder said.

"It's never too late to learn," Steen agreed. "But let me give you one little piece of friendly advice. In my experience, in the experience of this office and generally, the thing you've got to look out for most of all is bad companions."

Dortmunder nodded.

"Now," Steen said, "that may seem like a strange thing to say to a man your age, but the fact of the matter is, more recidivism is caused by bad companions than just about any other factor. You want to remember that, in case any of your old chums ever come to you with that just-one-more-job that's supposed to put you on Easy Street."

"I already turned 'em down," Dortmunder said heavily. "Don't you worry."

Steen looked blank. "You what?"

"I said no."

Steen shook his head. "No what?"

"No, I wouldn't do it," Dortmunder told him. He looked at Steen and saw that Steen remained unenlightened, so he told him, "The just-one-more-job guys. I told them no dice."

Steen gaped at him. "You were approached? For a robbery?"

"Sure."

"And you turned it down?"

"Damn right," Dortmunder said. "There comes a point when you got to give anything up as a bad job."

"And," said Steen, so stunned his voice was cracking, "you're reporting it to me?"

"Well, you brought it up," Dortmunder reminded him.

"That's right," Steen said, in a vague sort of way. "I did, didn't I?" He gazed around the bleak battered office with its grimy furniture and the faded inspirational posters on the walls, and his eyes were shining with an unaccustomed glow. He could be seen to think, It does work! The whole probation system, the paperwork, the irritation, the crummy offices, the surly parolees, by God it works! A parolee has actually been approached to take part in a crime, and has actually turned it down, and has even reported it to his probation officer! Life does have meaning after all!

Gradually Dortmunder began to grow impatient. He cleared his throat. He tapped his knuckles on the desk. He developed a coughing fit. Finally he said, "If you don't need me any more-"

Steen's eyes slowly refocused on him. "Dortmunder," he said, "I want you to know something. I want you to know you have made me a very happy man."

Dortmunder had no idea what the hell he was talking about. "Well, that's good," he said. "Any time I can help out."

Steen cocked his head to one side, like that dog the other day. "I don't suppose," he said, "you'd want to tell me the names of the people who contacted you?"

Dortmunder shrugged. "It was just some people," he said. He was a little sorry now he'd brought it up. Usually he wouldn't have, but this emerald business had gotten him rattled over the last few months, and the habits of a lifetime were gradually going to hell. "Just some people I used to know," he amplified, to make it clear he wasn't saying any more than that.

Steen nodded. "I understand," he said. "You still have to draw the line somewhere. Still, this has been a red-letter day for crime prevention, I want you to know that. And for me."

"That's good," Dortmunder said. He wasn't following, but it didn't matter.

Steen looked down at the paperwork on his desk. "Well, let's see. Just the usual questions left, I guess. You're still going to that machinists' school?"

"Oh, sure," Dortmunder said. There was no machinists' school, naturally.

"And you're still being supported by your cousin-in-law, is that right? Mr. Kelp."

"Sure," Dortmunder said.

"You're lucky to have such relatives," Steen said. "In fact, I wouldn't be surprised to hear that Mr. Kelp had something to do with what you told me here today."

Dortmunder frowned at him. "Oh, yeah?"

Steen, smiling happily at his paperwork again, didn't catch the expression on Dortmunder's face, which was just as well. "Well, that's about it for this time," he said and looked up, and Dortmunder's face had no expression at all.

Dortmunder got to his feet. "Be seeing you."

"Keep up the good work," Steen said. "Keep away from those bad companions."

"I'll do that," Dortmunder said and went home, and they were all sitting around his living room, drinking his booze. He shut the door and said, "Who let you birds in?"

"I did," said Chefwick. "I hope you don't mind." He was drinking ginger ale.

"Why should I mind?" Dortmunder said. "It isn't like it's a private apartment or anything."

"We wanted to talk to you," Kelp said. He was drinking Dortmunder's bourbon, and he held out a glass of the stuff, saying, "I brought out a glass for you."

Dortmunder took it and said, "I'm not breaking into any insane asylum. You people want to, you probably ought to be there anyway, so go right ahead." He turned toward his favorite chair, but Greenwood was sprawled all over it, so he sat in the uncomfortable chair with the wooden arms instead.

Kelp said, "All the rest of us are in it, Dortmunder. Everybody's willing to give it one more try except you."

Greenwood said, "We wish you'd come in with us."

"What do you need me for? Do it without me, you've got four men."

Kelp said, "You're the planner, Dortmunder, you're the organizer. We need you to run things."

Dortmunder said, "You could do it yourself. Or Greenwood. Chefwick could do it. I don't know, maybe even Murch could do it."

Murch said, "Not as good as you."

"You don't need me," Dortmunder said. "Besides, I been warned away from bad companions, and that means you bunch."

Kelp waved his hands in negation. "That horoscope stuff doesn't mean a thing," he said. "I got hooked on that stuff once, my second wife was a nut for all that. The only fall I ever took, I did what the horoscope told me."

Dortmunder frowned at him. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Horoscope," Kelp explained. He moved his hands like a man shuffling jigsaw puzzle pieces. "Bad companions," he said. "Tall dark trips. Afternoon is good for business marriages. All that stuff."

Dortmunder squinted, trying to see Kelp clearly enough to understand him. Finally he said, in some doubt, "You mean horoscope?"

"Sure," Kelp said. "Naturally."

Dortmunder shook his head, still trying to understand. "You believe in horoscopes?"

"No," Kelp said. "You do."

Dortmunder thought about that for a few seconds, then nodded heavily and said to the room at large, "I hope you guys'll be very happy here. I'll let you know where to send my stuff." He turned and headed for the door.

Kelp said, "Hey! Wait a second!"

Chefwick came up off his chair and ran around in front of Dortmunder. "I understand how you feel," he said. "Honestly I do. At first, when Kelp and Greenwood came out to see me, I had the same attitude as you. But I listened, I let them explain it to me, and when they did-"

"That was where you made your mistake," Dortmunder told him. "Never listen to those two, they've turned all of life into a quick game of smack."

"Dortmunder," Chefwick said, "we need you. It's as simple as that. With you running things we can get this job done once and for all."

Dortmunder looked at him. "Job? Jobs, you mean. Do you realize we've already pulled three heists for that stinking emerald, and we still don't have it? And no matter how many heists we pull, our take is still the same."

Greenwood had come over now to the door, where Chefwick and Dortmunder were standing, and he said, "No, it isn't. At first it was thirty a man, and then for the police station it went up to thirty-five."

Kelp came over too, saying, "And the Major will go up again, Dortmunder, I already talked to him. Another five thousand a man. That's forty gee for walking into an insane asylum and walking back out with crazy-like-a-fox Prosker."

Dortmunder turned to him. "No, it isn't," he said. "That would be the fourth heist, and that one's a kidnapping, which is a Federal offense and they can give you the chair for it. But even just talking economics, that's the fourth heist, and four heists for forty grand is ten thousand dollars a caper, and I haven't worked a job for ten grand since I was fourteen years old."

Kelp said, "You gotta think about the living expenses too. That's another couple grand, by the time we're done. Twelve thousand dollars isn't all that bad for a heist."

"It's a jinx," Dortmunder said. "Don't give me any more horoscope stuff, all I'm saying is I'm not superstitious and I don't believe in jinxes, but there's one jinx in the world and that emerald is it."

Greenwood said, "Just look at it, Dortmunder. Just go out on the train and look at it, that's all we ask. If it doesn't look good to you, we'll forget it."

"It doesn't look good to me," Dortmunder said.

Greenwood said, "How do you know? You haven't even seen it yet."

"I don't have to," Dortmunder said. "I already know I hate it." He spread his hands. "Why don't you people just go do it yourselves? Or you need five men, get somebody else. You can even use my phone."

Chefwick said, "I think we should put our cards on the table."

Greenwood shrugged. "I suppose so," he said.

Murch, the only one still seated and still sipping away at his beer, called, "I told you that in the first place."

Kelp said, "I just didn't want to put pressure on him like that, that's all."

Dortmunder, looking around at everybody with grim suspicion, said, "What now?"

Chefwick told him, "Iko won't finance us without you."

Greenwood said, "He's sold on you, Dortmunder, he knows you're the best man around."

"God damn it," said Dortmunder.

Kelp said, "All we want you to do is look at it. After that, if you say no go, we won't bother you any more."

"We could take the train up there tomorrow," Greenwood said.

"If you're willing," Chefwick said.

They all stood there and watched Dortmunder and waited for him to say something. He glowered at the floor and chewed his knuckle and after a while walked through them and back over to the table where he'd put down his bourbon. He picked it up, and took a healthy swallow, and turned around to look at them all.

Greenwood said, "You'll go take a look at the place?"

"I suppose so," Dortmunder said. He didn't sound happy.

Everybody else was happy. "That's great!" Kelp said.

"It'll give me a chance to get my head examined," Dortmunder said and finished his bourbon.