The Living and the Dead in Winsford

38

Julie. Wrong.

Markurell. Wrong.

Berling. Wrong.

We go to bed. Lie there in the darkness, listening to the rain and the wind — or at least, I do. I don’t know how much of all that Castor is aware of as he lies by my feet under the duvet. Or how much he cares. I have said missus to him several times: at first he cocked his head in order to hear better, but then he lost interest.

I feel disorientated. Not so much by my surroundings, for they have been constant for several weeks now, but inside me. I have difficulty in remembering thoughts, or linking one thought with another: this might be something I’ve been experiencing for quite a while, but it feels especially intense this evening. I suspect it must be Soblewski’s e-mail that has brought it on — acted as the amplifier or catalyst. The police have found a dead body. Perhaps I would emerge unscathed from a mental examination, perhaps not: I have personal experience of the concept of Angst, no doubt about that — mainly during the time when I was suffering from depression, and it really doesn’t have anything to do with potatoes. But what I am feeling now has nothing to do with Angst: it’s more a question of total rootlessness, or connectionlessness, if such a word exists. I don’t know. The process of cause and effect has vanished, or at least I no longer understand it. I can’t pin it down.

I hope it is due to the fact that the year is coming to an end. The day after tomorrow is the year’s shortest day — I notice that I keep coming back to that fact with the stubbornness of a lunatic: but then all of a sudden everything changes. Light arrives. When the new year has established itself I shall be able to think ahead, not merely to outlive my dog but also to make decisions that imply. . that imply that I shall be able to live a sort of real life. Connections will emerge and then fade away. I think I can see this ahead of me: all I need to do is to allow a few days to pass, a Christmas to come and go; to wait for Mark Britton to come back from Scarborough perhaps, to enter a new, untried year and somehow to progress. . Like a book you have on the bedside table but haven’t yet had the strength to start reading. But you can imagine how interesting it is going to be. And what you can imagine exists, it really does — in a certain way and to a certain extent it really does.

I lift up the duvet and ask Castor if he understands my way of thinking, because I have actually been speaking aloud about all this. He doesn’t move a muscle. I suddenly hear that metallic sound out there on the moor again. It’s coming in waves, rising and falling. I wrap my pillow around my head and do my best to fall asleep. I think I’m ready to cope with most things, but I’d rather not dream about Martin. I start mumbling the only quotation from the Bible that I know off by heart, the Twenty-third Psalm:

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:

he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. .

Before I get to the end I’ve started to dream about rats. No, I realize that I’m still awake, so it’s not a dream. In which case I don’t know what it is: just a notion, perhaps, or a mirage. But this evening it is something that risks complete collapse.

. . apparently unable to identify it.

Huh, I suddenly thought. What had I expected? What other message could have been more desirable?Which?

Well, then. .

The twentieth of December. Thursday, eight degrees and a clear blue sky. Virtually no wind at all. From the overgrown cairn where Roman legionaries must once have stood and gazed out over the countryside after having killed Caratacus, it is possible to see for miles in all directions on a day like this.

Dunkery Beacon, for instance, that we tried to reach yesterday but didn’t quite manage it: if you were an eagle or a falcon you would easily be able to fly there in five minutes in today’s clear weather. Everything is extremely beautiful: charming and undulating moorland, with the blossom on the gorse bushes striving up longingly towards the sun. It’s allowed for a boy to make love to his girlfriend — almost obligatory, in fact.

After a late breakfast we set off for Porlock Common. High above Exford we park in a tiny lay-by and then walk over the open countryside for several hours without a map. We see stags again some distance away, and maintain the high spirits of the morning until dusk begins to fall. By the time we get back to Darne Lodge it is half past four, and we arrive at our simple cottage at almost exactly the same moment as Mark Britton. We haven’t even entered the house, and we stand outside in the yard, talking. He hands over a bouquet of roses and a bottle of champagne.

‘Just a little Christmas Box,’ he says, and his smile is slightly unsure. ‘I intended to give it to you last night at the pub, but you never came.’

‘Something else cropped up, I’m afraid,’ I say, and he is civilized enough not to ask what.

‘Jeremy and I will be setting off early tomorrow morning,’ he says. ‘To Scarborough, that is. So I thought I’d wish you a Merry Christmas slightly in advance. If you. .’

‘If I what?’

‘If you save the bubbly maybe we can share it on New Year’s Eve?’

I promise to think about that, and give him a hug. ‘But I hope I can look at the roses before then? When will you be back?’

‘That depends. In good time before New Year in any case. Do you have a mobile so that I can get in touch with you?’

I shake my head.

‘I must say you keep yourself pretty isolated. Can I call in on you when I get back?’

I promise that he will be welcome, and then we say goodbye. Wish each other the compliments of the season again. I remain standing there, watching as he negotiates the twists and turns of Halse Lane. I think it’s odd that we actually made love only a week ago.

But then, the world’s an odd place.

Then we are on our own.

I manage to read another chapter of Lorna Doone, and note that people were much more courageous in the old days.

Sixteen games of patience, four go out.

Dylan. Wrong.

Cohen. Wrong.

Coltrane. Wrong.

I look closely at the roses. They are not quite red. I drink two tumblers of wine before bed, and that helps to some extent.