The Long Dark Tea-Time Of The Soul

Chapter 32

With a huge crash, Thor surged through the wall at the far end of the great hall of Valhalla and stood ready to proclaim to the assembled gods and heroes that he had finally managed to break through to Norway and had found a copy of the contract Odin had signed buried deep in the side of a mountain, but he couldn't because they'd all gone and there was no one there.

“There's no one here,” he said to Kate, releasing her from his huge grip, “they've all gone.”

He slumped in disappointment.

“Wh — ” said Kate.

“We'll try the old man's chambers,” said Thor and hurled his hammer up to the balcony, with themselves in tow.

He stalked through the great chambers, ignoring Kate's pleas, protests and general abuse.

He wasn't there.

“He's here somewhere,” said Thor angrily, trailing his hammer behind him.

“We'll go through the world divide,” he said, and took hold of Kate again. They flicked themselves through.

They were in a large bedroom suite in the hotel.

Litter and scraps of rotting carpet covered the floors, the windows were grimy with years of neglect. Pigeon droppings were everywhere, and the peeling paintwork made it look as if several small families of starfish had exploded on the walls.

There was an abandoned trolleybed in the middle of the floor in which an old man lay in beautifully laundered linen, weeping from his one remaining eye.

“I found the contract, you bastard,” raged Thor, waving it at him. “I found the deal you did. You sold all our power to...to a lawyer and a...an advertiser and, and all sorts of other people. You stole our power! You couldn't steal all of mine because I'm too strong, but you kept me bewildered and confused, and made bad things happen every time I got angry. You prevented me getting back home to Norway by every method you could, because you knew I'd find this! You and that poison dwarf Toe Rag. You've been abusing and humiliating me for years, and — ”

“Yes, yes, we know all that,” said Odin.

“Well...Good!”

“Thor — ” said Kate.

“Well I've shaken all that off now!” shouted Thor.

“Yes, I see — ”

“I went somewhere I could get good and angry in peace, when I knew you'd be otherwise occupied and expecting me to be here, and I had a hell of a good shout and blew things up a bit, and I'm all right now! And I'm going to tear this up for a start!”

He ripped right through the contract, threw the pieces in the air and incinerated them with a look.

“Thor — ” said Kate.

“And I'm going to put right all the things you made happen so I'd be afraid of getting angry. The poor girl at the airline check-in desk that got turned into a drink machine. Woof! Wham! She's back! The jet fighter that tried to shoot me down when I was flying to Norway! Woof! Wham! It's back! See, I'm back in control of myself!”

“What jet fighter?” asked Kate. “You haven't told me about a jet fighter.”

“It tried to shoot me down over the North Sea. We had a scrap and in the heat of the moment I, well, I turned it into an eagle, and it's been bothering me ever since. So now that's dealt with. Don't look at me like that. I did what I could. I took care of his wife by fixing one of those lottery things. Look,” he added angrily, “all this has been very difficult for me, you know. All right. What else?”

“My table lamp,” said Kate quietly.

“And Kate's table lamp! It shall be a small kitten no more! Woof! Wham! Thor speaks and it is so! What was that noise?”

A ruddy glow was spreading across the London skyline.

“Thor, I think there's something wrong with your father.”

“I should bloody well hope so. Oh. What's wrong? Father? Are you all right?”

“I have been so very, very foolish and unwise,” wept Odin, “I have been so wicked and evil, and — ”

“Yes, well that's what I think, too,” said Thor and sat on the end of his bed. “So what are we going to do?”

“I don't think I could live without my linen, and my Sister Bailey, and... It's been so, so, so long, and I'm so, so old. Toe Rag said I should kill you, but I...I would rather have killed myself. Oh, Thor...”

“Oh,” said Thor. “I see. Well. I don't know what to do now. Blast. Blast everything.”

“Thor —”

“Yes, yes, what is it?”

“Thor, it's very simple what you do about your father and the Woodshead,” said Kate.

“Oh yes? What then?”

“I'll tell you on one condition.”

“Oh really? And what's that?”

“That you tell me how many stones there are in Wales.”

“What!” exclaimed Thor in outrage. “Away from me! That's years of my life you're talking about!”

Kate shrugged.

“No!” said Thor. “Anything but that! Anyway,” he added sullenly, “I told you.”

“No you didn't.”

“Yes I did. I said I lost count somewhere in Mid-Glamorgan. Well, I was hardly going to start again, was I? Think, girl, think!”