The Only One

Chapter 23

Despite my continued attempts to study for finals, there was always some sort of interruption. And that interruption was named John.

“Seriously, my Spanish final is on Saturday.” I may have said the words, but even I didn’t believe them. With his lips on my neck, studying was the farthest thing from my mind.

“I’ll let you talk dirty to me in Spanish if that counts as studying.”

I sighed, wanting to give in. Wanting to seriously give in. But there was one big thing that I couldn’t give into and I wasn’t sure if I ever would be able to again. Would sex be different after cancer surgery? I wondered if I would feel different. If he would even want me after we tried it.

“John, I-I-I really need to study. You wouldn’t want me to be distracted and fail all my classes and get kicked out of school.”

He pulled back and sat next to me, wide-eyed like a scorned puppy. “Do you really want me to stop?”

I bit my bottom lip, trying to hide my smile. No, I didn’t want him to stop, but one of us had to. I wanted him, oh how badly I wanted him. But there were bigger things that I had to deal with than sex. Like school. And cancer. “You’re just a little bit of a distraction.”

“But I’m a damn good one.” A slight smile returned to his lips as he leaned forward.

I sighed. “If I want to stay in school I actually need to pass my classes and I haven’t been keeping up with anything lately.”

“You’re smart, Red. You probably can do these finals with your eyes closed and never need to study.”

“I wish.”

That might have been true, back when I was going to all of my classes. Between doctor’s appointments and taking breaks to hang out with John, classes had become secondary. I knew that I could get a lot of the power points online, but I also knew that a lot of professors based their grades on attendance. Something I was seriously slacking in.

He sank back on the couch and picked up his computer, putting it on his lap. “Fine. I’ll let you be.”

I picked my book back up. “Sorry, John. I’m not trying to be a bitch. Finals will be over soon and then you can have me all to yourself.”

“Until your sister gets here at least.”

Valerie was coming in the following Friday after finals to pick me up for Christmas break. She also heard about my fake ID and told me that I needed to take her out to the bars so she could act like a college kid again for one night.

“You don’t have to stay here. You can go home at any time.”

John only had one final and it was our history one which was on Monday. The rest of his finals were projects, but he was still staying around to hang out with me.

“Yeah about that...”

I didn’t even need to look up to know that he was rubbing the back of his neck. His nervous twitch. I set my book down and gave him my full attention. “About what?”

“Well...I guess Gabe is wanting to close the house early, so I need a place to stay.”

I blinked. “And...?”

He blew out a big breath. “Okay, fine. Can I stay here while the house is closed up?”

“Here? With me?” I swallowed hard. He had been staying at my place most nights and it was amazing to fall asleep in his arms, but to make it official kind of scared me. It meant we were moving up in our relationship.

“Trey and Monica are leaving on Wednesday, but I guess I could stay there if you don’t want me around.” His eyes took on a sadness I hadn’t seen before.

I leaned over, putting my fingers under his chin and forcing his eyes to mine. “I didn’t mean it like that. If you want to stay here, you can. Valerie might just try to kick you out when she’s here.”

He laughed. “I’m sure we can get her some earplugs if need be.”

Finals on a Saturday morning were murder. John didn’t technically have to be out of the house until the following Wednesday, but somehow he and all of his stuff migrated over to my apartment.

I tried not to wake him as I crept out of bed and into the bathroom. A shower and a hot cup of coffee would hopefully help me wake up enough for my damn Spanish final. I closed the door to the bathroom and stripped off my clothes. At first I tried to look cute for bed when John spent the night. I wore newer pajamas that showed some skin, but after about the second night I got sick of that and went back to wearing my old t-shirts from high school and plaid pajama pants.

I kicked my clothes to the side and turned on the water, waiting for it to spray a steady stream before I stepped in and let the hot water fall over me. Just the wake up I needed. I pulled my face wash from the rack and scrubbed my face. Just as I was about to rinse it off, I heard the shower curtain open.

“Mornin’ Red.”

John’s foot squeaked as he stepped into the shower and then I felt the warm ripples of his chest against my back.

“John!” I screeched, rinsing the soap out of my eyes and covered myself at the same time. It was the first time he had seen me naked and I didn’t envision it being while I hadn’t shaved my lady bits in awhile or been to the gym.

I sucked in a deep breath and scrubbed the last remaining soap out of my eyes and turned toward him. There wasn’t much room in the tiny shower, but I could see exactly where his eyes roamed. I guess he cared more about my chest than the parts that weren’t shaved. My nipples betrayed me and hardened the minute they met the cold air.

“I thought we could save some water and shower together.” He grinned and took a step closer, covering my nipples with his warm hands. His hardness pressed against my belly button. I was glad that my bleeding had stopped or that could have been really embarrassing.

He took my hands, moving them to the side, his eyes roaming down to my chest. “Don’t hide that beautiful body of yours.”

“My body is not that great.” But his was. The water dripped down his rock hard body and I wanted to lick every droplet off of it.

He cupped my breasts in his hands and leaned over, his lips grazing my nipple before he nibbled them lightly. I moaned in response, arching my body towards his. He put his chin between my breasts, his fingers replacing his lips and rubbing against my nipples in a slow, circular motion. “You have the hottest body I’ve ever seen.”

“You do.” I gasped and reached for his flawless ass, digging my nails into it for fear I’d fall over if I didn’t have something to hold onto. I wanted him so bad. My body ached for him. Stupid cancer surgery recovery time.

“I like that, Red.” He kissed a trail up from my chest to my lips. The water cascaded over us, stimulating my nipples as John kept his fingers on them. His kisses were feverish, his tongue dancing behind my lips.

I broke the kiss slightly and whispered into his lips, “Do you like this?” My fingers trailed from his butt to his abs. I grazed his muscles before letting my fingers stop right at his length, grabbing it with both hands and stroking it gently.

He let out a hissed breath. “I like that even more.”

I would have rather had him between my legs. I ached for him so much. It was getting harder and harder not to go all the way. But this would have to do. At least for another week.

I tightened my grip on him, his hips bucking forward in response, while I traced small circles over his tip.

“Damn, baby,” he whispered, before crushing his lips back to mine. I moved my tongue in the same rhythm as my fingers and he moaned into my mouth.

I moved quicker, eager to get him to release. For me. For both of us. I wanted to know that I was the one to do that to him. The only one he wanted.

He broke the kiss. “I’m going to come.”

“Good.” I moved faster and his body stiffened before he shuddered and released all over my hand, the water washing it away as quickly as it came.

He let out a ragged breath and pressed his forehead to mine. The water droplets fell down his face and onto his oh-so-kissable lips. “I wasn’t expecting anything.”

I gently kissed the water droplets from his lips. “I wanted to.”

“Now let me do something for you.”

“John...I…”

He put his hands on my hips, quickly turning me around. “I know. No sex. But I can still do this.”

He reached in front of me and then grabbed my shampoo off the shelf. I heard the sound of his hands rubbing together and then his fingers were in my hair, massaging my scalp. It always felt great when my hairdresser would wash my hair before she cut it, but John took it to an all new mind-blowing level. I tilted my head back, closing my eyes, and his fingers continued massaging my scalp down to the ends of my hair.

“Rinse,” he commanded, turning my back away from him and toward the shower spout. He kept his hands on my head, rinsing out the shampoo from my hair and moving his fingers through my curls. He continued the same process with the conditioner and the pulled me against him. His lips replaced his fingers down my hair and to my cheeks and neck.

I turned around to face him, wrapping my arms around his neck and trying to deepen the kiss, but he pulled back. “As much as I’d like to spend all day in the shower with you, I can’t keep you from your final.”

I pouted. “Seriously.”

He kissed my forehead. “Seriously, but there’s always after your final. And tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day.”

“I look forward to it.”

I was almost late for my final and had to run across the quad with wet hair just to make it in the nick of time. There were icicles dripping off of my curls when I walked into the room, but it was worth it to spend the time with John in the shower. Ever since I found out about my cancer I felt like less of a woman. Finding out that a part of me had been damaged made me feel like all of me was damaged as well. And then there was the surgery that made me feel even more broken. Slowly, but surely I was building back up again and putting the pieces back together. It helped that there was an incredibly sexy guy who was always around.

Of course I had to put those worries aside to finish my finals. Spanish wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, mainly because John still kept encouraging me to speak Spanish in the heat of the moment and I found myself burning up every time I thought of the different verbs I would use and how they would roll off my tongue and into his mouth.

My other classes were another story. I had two final papers, a history final, and my Physics final. None of my teachers knew what was going on with my cervical cancer so I felt like all of them glared at me when I walked in. Like they knew I had been missing class and just assumed I started slacking. It was like I had to re-prove myself. As if the first few months of me doing nothing but showing up to class and diligently turning in my homework on time were forgotten and I was just another slacker in the crowd.

It also probably didn’t help that I would throw on one of John’s Alpha Mu hoodies with my jeans half the days I was running late to class. I think all of my teachers had some secret vendetta against fraternity guys. I even remember my British Lit professor asking what a nice girl like me was doing with a hoodie like that.

But the more time I spent with John, the less I really cared what other people thought. It was like Monica told me, “If they’re nobody, who cares what they think?” I proved myself enough by getting mostly A’s in my classes and to hell with what the kids in my classes thought of me. Maybe it was time to let go.

Then there was still cancer to think about. I made an appointment the Friday before break for another colposcopy. The doctor wanted to make sure they got rid of all the cancer and if there was still anything there we would have to explore other options. I didn’t want to think of the other options. This time John wasn’t the one to take me, though. Valerie came into town.

“After we’re done with this doctor stuff, we’re going shopping.” Valerie glanced at me out of the corner of her obnoxiously large sunglasses. There wasn’t much snow on the ground, but whenever the earth was blanketed in white, it seemed like the sun shone off of it and made everything brighter.

“Shopping? Don’t you have enough of that working off Michigan Ave?”

“Um, what I do there is work. Not shop.” She flicked on her turn signal to turn toward my doctor’s office. “Besides, I can’t afford to shop on Michigan Ave every day, or have the time to with all of these crazy hours. I haven’t even started Christmas shopping.”

“Okay, fine. You win. We’ll go shopping.”

“And we need to get you something to wear out tonight. I scoped your closet and your wardrobe is lacking.”

I shook my head. “You still want to go out tonight?”

I was hoping she’d forgotten about that idea. I remembered how sore I felt after my last colposcopy.

“Uh, yeah. My baby sister has a fake ID and her boyfriend can probably get us past the door without cover. I’m not missing out on that.”

I rolled my eyes. “Fine.”

“Besides, John stayed around on Christmas break for you. The least you can do is show a little skin and get him out on the dance floor.”

“He didn’t stay around just for me. He said he had some fraternity stuff to take care of.” Even as the words left my mouth, I knew they were a lie. I didn’t remember the last time he actually stayed at the house. He was like my new roommate who slept in my bed. Maybe a night out before break could change that.

Valerie thumbed through some ties at one of the department stores. “What the hell do you even get for a dad you barely ever see?”

Valerie hadn’t done any Christmas shopping and her list was a mile long. I just got everyone Starbucks gift cards and called it a day. But Valerie thought it was too impersonal. Ever since we were little girls she loved going shopping and would spend hours looking for the “perfect gift” for everyone.

“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Coffee?”

“Probably what he does need. Maybe I’ll get everyone something to go with your plethora of gift cards. I seriously can’t believe you got John the same thing as our mom. That’s just so weird.”

“Why? He likes coffee. Everyone likes coffee and if they don’t, they’re missing out.”

Valerie scoffed and then walked out of the men’s section. I followed her toward the purses. “It’s so impersonal, especially for your boyfriend. Don’t you want to get him something special?”

“Like what?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Something that isn’t a gift card. Something that he would actually appreciate. Something that shows just how much you care about him.”

I rolled my eyes. “Seriously, Val, we haven’t been dating that long and he’s a guy. He doesn’t expect all of that.”

“I don’t think you give him enough credit.”

I let out a single laugh. “So now you’re going to tell me that you know John better than I do?”

“I’m just saying that I’ve seen the way he is with you. I watched him carry you up the stairs after your surgery. The guy has a serious heart.”

All of that was true, but there was still something that was holding me back. I had my guard up around him. Our relationship started out with me wanting to do nothing but jump his bones and now (while I still thought often about it) there was something that had changed. I was in love with the guy and it was getting harder not to express it. I had this deep fear that I would say it and he wouldn’t feel the same way and would run for the hills. He may have cared about me, but love was a different thing.

“We’ll see.”

After what seemed like forever shopping, Valerie finally finished picking out Christmas gifts and we went back to my apartment. I pulled the tags off my new silk, maroon tunic and then put it in the sink with some of my body wash. I didn’t want to go downstairs into the laundry room to wash one thing and it was supposedly delicate anyway.

“If I wake up in the middle of the night hearing you and John doing it, I’m going to be really upset with you.” Valerie leaned against the fridge.

“We’re totally not going to be doing it.”

Valerie crossed her arms over her chest. “You mean to tell me that after a night of bar hopping with that hot piece of man candy you aren’t just going to hump like rabbits and forget that your sister is sleeping on the couch? Because if you are, then I’d appreciate knowing so I can go find a cheap hotel.”

I sighed. “No, Val. We definitely won’t be sleeping together. Well, probably sleeping together, but definitely not sex.”

“Is there something I should know about him?” She raised her eyebrow. “If I had a guy like that I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off of him.”

Harder than she thought. I wanted to, on many occasions, jump his bones, but it was like my body rejected the idea. My broken body.

“Yeah...about that.”

Her eyes widened and she gasped. “Oh my god! He’s not gay is he? Are you just like his beard or something?”

“What?” I dropped my shirt in the sink. “No! Oh god no! Like quite the opposite.”

“Then what is it?”

“I don’t want to have this conversation with my sister.”

“Ugh, seriously? I share everything with you. You share everything with me. You freaking told me about how you lost your virginity and you had mom write you a note to get out of gym class the next day.”

“Valerie! Never speak of that again.”

She held her hands up and pushed off of the fridge. “Okay, okay. I was just making a point.”

I sighed. “Fine. I haven’t actually slept with John and I don’t know if we ever well. We’ve gotten close, but...ugh.”

“Ugh, what?” Her eyes widened as if to say “go on.”

“It’s like there’s something busted and it just won’t happen. My body always betrays me or something. I just worry that maybe I’m not enough for him. Maybe someday he’s going to realize that I’m a fraud and leave me for someone who isn’t damaged. Someone without a disease”

Valerie shook her head. “First off, how many times have I told you to stop with that pity bullshit?”

“A lot.”

“And second, any guy who doesn’t want to be with you because you have cancer isn’t a guy that you want to be with anyway. You’re not broken. You may be a little crazy, but have you seen our mother? We’re all a little mad.”

I let out a deep breath and picked up my shirt again, ringing it out and then laying it flat on the counter. “You’re probably right.”

“I’m always right.”

She was right. She usually was. But that didn’t stop me from worrying. It was always in the back of my mind that something terrible was going to happen. Like all of the good that had been built up in our relationship could stop at any moment and I would go back to being alone. John may have been understanding now, but maybe someday he wouldn’t. Then where would I be?