The Passengers on the Hankyu Line

Koto’en Station

The squad of brash older ladies were so loud and unruly, Etsuko sought refuge in another car. There was no way she was ever going to retain the vocabulary she was studying on her flash cards, not with all that chattering and shrieking. They were as bad as a group of toddlers on a nursery-school outing.

Now that it was exam season, Etsuko had already determined which university to set her sights on. She held onto the railing by the door with one hand and flipped through her flash cards with the other.

The next stop was Koto’en.

Etsuko’s high school was in Koto’en so she’d been commuting there all this time, but the university that was also served by that station was beyond her reach. Her first choice was a private university that had a respectable nursing programme.

I would have loved to go here … but it’s just not on the cards for me.

The station was always crowded with university students, each with their own distinct personal style. Vibrant and energetic, they seemed to be living their best lives.

Since Etsuko’s grades hadn’t been able to score her a recommendation for a competitive university, the guidance counsellor had advised her to set her sights lower, especially if she wasn’t going to sit the exams for a back-up choice. For this reason, Etsuko had decided to take the entrance exam for a nursing college, thinking that at least it would prepare her for a professional qualification.

Her friends were each pursuing their own options, attending different crammers. Now, even though they no longer had to be in high school during the week, they still met up there on Saturday afternoons under the pretext of a group study session.

It wasn’t long until graduation. The bittersweetness of their impending farewell was what drew them to gather together in the classroom.

They called it a study session but it was really more like a gab fest. Some girls had already been accepted at a college, while others still waiting to hear from their top choice were reliably sure they’d get in (Etsuko was in this latter group).

None of them were adventurous by nature. Though they may have appeared boisterous and happy-go-lucky, they all played it safe. Maybe they were just faint of heart. They weren’t the type to really push themselves to reach for a better college, to assume the risk of failing and having to retake their exams next year. Instead they opted for the sure thing.

Well aware of how precious the time they had left was, they looked forward to the chance to be together each week.

Etsuko – Et-chan, as her friends called her – was still with her boyfriend, the one who had a job but couldn’t read kanji.

‘Still haven’t dunnit?’

They may have been faint-hearted, and still only superficially knowledgeable without much actual experience, but her friends never failed to ask Etsuko about her status. To which she always confidently replied, ‘Not yet!’

The fact that it had almost happened would be her secret.

The teachers at both her high school and her crammer had told her that if she kept her nose to the grindstone until the end of March, she might just pass her exam. But they also told her she needed a backup plan.

She should set her sights lower, they said, especially if she wasn’t also going to sit the exams for a safe-option college. But, at the same time, she knew that they expected her both to take the backup college’s exam and to keep pushing herself until the bitter end. As long as her backup was reliable enough, they advised, she could aim for her first choice, and if that wasn’t to be, she’d have Plan B to fall back on.

Now is the crucial moment. Your whole future depends on how you perform.

Her form teacher and her cram-school teacher would egg her on with such slogans. It stood to reason – after all, it was her parents’ money that would pay the fees, wasn’t it?

To make use of the backup choice, assuming she passed their exam, her parents would need to pay the enrolment fee to hold her place. Even for a junior college, the fee was still a few hundred thousand yen, and if it happened to be a four-year course, the fee was closer to a million. But then if she were to get into her first choice, poof – they’d lose all of that money.

Etsuko was the eldest in her family; she had two younger brothers. Her family couldn’t afford to spend so much on her entrance exams. The fact that her grades weren’t good enough to get into one of the national and public universities put further strain on the household.

And yet, both her teachers kept trying to persuade her to hedge her bets – they were remarkably insistent.

It’s not possible. My family doesn’t have the money to gamble like that on my exams. I have my younger brothers to think about.

Even if she’d left this crammer and found another one, she still had to contend with her high school.

Etsuko consulted with her parents and studied the exam schedules, taking into consideration the deadlines for submitting enrolment fees and prioritizing the institutions that would prepare her for a professional qualification. All the while, her form teacher remained tenacious as ever.

Just think about it – you might get in there, and if you do, what a stroke of luck!

C’mon, give me a break already! she had wanted to scream at him. ‘You might …’ ‘Hedge your bets.’ ‘A stroke of luck.’ With those odds and knowing her family’s circumstances, was he really telling her to gamble with her parents’ money?

I wish I was smart enough to apply to that university. It’s always been my dream one. If I thought I actually had a real chance of getting in, I might be willing to be selfish enough to nag my parents to let me take the exam.

But even studying hard – diligently going to cram school – to still only be told that she ‘might’ be accepted …?

She couldn’t ask her parents to hang their hopes on that ‘might’, which if she got in, meant throwing away the enrolment fee for her backup choice.

In other words, there was no way she could go to her dream university, even if she were accepted. Acknowledging the limitations of her family’s financial situation also meant that she was a grownup now.

She would have preferred it if her teacher had told her that the university was beyond her reach. For him to have bluntly discouraged her. That would have been more compassionate.

For me it wouldn’t have been just a simple ‘stroke of luck’! Maybe for the school and for yourself, you see my stroke of luck as a boost to your success rate.

Now, even just seeing her teacher’s face made her feel sick to her stomach. His expectations for her performance hadn’t panned out, and trying to avoid him was stressful.

It just wasn’t going to happen – now that it was apparent, she would finally be free from all the pressure he’d been putting on her.

‘So you weren’t up to snuff after all.’ That’s what he’d said.

Did he have to be so cruel?

Soon it would be Christmas. This was some present from Santa!

‘You haven’t been yourself lately.’

Etsuko’s boyfriend may not have known all his kanji but he made up for his cluelessness by being kind.

Christmas Eve had fallen on a weekday, so they were celebrating a belated Christmas together on the following weekend.

When he had arrived to pick her up in his car, he had taken one look at her glum face and seemed to intuit that it was because of her exam studies.

‘You’re on the home stretch now. It’s really tough, I feel for you.’

Wrong – it wasn’t that she was so worn down from all the studying. It was about her teacher saying that she wasn’t up to snuff.

‘If you don’t feel like going out, it’s all right. I can take you home.’

For a moment she contemplated taking him up on his offer.

‘Anytime you want to go home, just let me know. But first …’

They happened to be stopped at a red light, and her boyfriend pulled a plain white paper bag from his jacket pocket.

‘I know we were going to pick out our Christmas presents together, but I wanted to give this to you first. I got it on my recent business trip to Kyushu.’

The paper bag was printed with red letters – the name of the famous shrine, Dazaifu Tenmangu. Inside was a pink omamori amulet for success in college entrance exams.

‘I figured, since you’re in exam hell, you need an amulet. I went to the shrine to pray for your success. I even got up onto the part of it that looks like a veranda.’

‘You mean the haiden, the hall of worship,’ she told him. ‘So … you think I’m going to pass my exams?’ Etsuko asked, going straight to the heart of the matter.

‘Well, of course! Why wouldn’t I?! It goes without saying that I support you going to whichever school you decide on. How can you even ask?’

The light turned green and he started driving.

He got her a pink one for the simple reason that she was a girl. There must have been a bunch of colours to choose from and he went with the pink amulet that now dangled in front of her.

‘What do you want to do, go back home?’

‘How come you’re so keen to get rid of me?’

‘I’m not! It’s just that with your exams, you must be tired. Maybe you don’t feel like being dragged around.’

‘Yeah, but when I’m studying I also need to take a break. Hey, feel like taking me to the place with a view?’

‘What about your present? I thought we might go to Kobe.’

‘It’ll be so crowded there today, let’s save it for next time. I’d rather it just be the two of us.’

When she said this, she saw his profile turn red.

‘You’re always so direct, but every so often you say something sweet. Why don’t we head over to Mount Rokko?’ he said, turning the steering wheel.

Etsuko had only just learned how grownups kiss.

Previously she had always got scared and pulled away, but he had never pressured her, not once. She would hold back, unable to tell him that what scared her was actually how good it felt – and still, he just let her take her time.

No matter how many times they’d been up this mountain road, it always seemed new to her – this time he parked the car by the side of it in a little-known spot where the view was indeed lovely. As they kissed, Etsuko always got nervous, her back stiffening, whenever a rare car passed them in the opposite direction.

Those oncoming cars had always coincided with her pulling away, until now … This time, when a car passed them, his lips murmured over hers with wonder, ‘You know, a car just went by …’

‘Today, I’m OK with it. Kiss me again.’

As if filling in the blank in what Etsuko had requested, he kissed her with more passion.

She realized how much he’d been holding back all this time.

Their kiss lasted a long time, until—

‘Sorry, I have to stop,’ he said.

Etsuko had been clinging to him but he held her by the shoulders and away from him.

‘Why?’ She felt like she finally understood how to respond.

He sighed and leaned against the steering wheel.

‘If we go any further, it’ll be too much for me. I don’t think I can hold back.’ He gave her a pained and embarrassed smile.

‘It’s OK.’ She wanted to give herself over to this feeling of being cherished.

He looked up at her, startled. Etsuko was facing straight ahead.

‘Why don’t we stop somewhere instead of going home? I’m ready.’

‘But—’

‘I want to,’ she insisted.

Without another word, he started the car.

Etsuko didn’t remember the name or location of the love hotel where he had brought her.

‘I’m going to take a shower first,’ she said.

This wasn’t a big deal. Nothing to be nervous about. There were definitely girls in her class who had done this already. Etsuko and her friends were just late bloomers.

She wanted to give herself to him. She knew that he would be gentle with her.

She emerged from the bathroom wrapped in a towel.

‘What are you doing?’

‘Uh, I just …’ He was sitting cross-legged on the bed with his back facing the bathroom, his hands over his eyes like the ‘see no evil’ monkey from the shrine at Nikko. ‘I have a favour to ask.’

‘What is it?’

‘Get dressed.’

Hearing his request, coming at this particular moment, Etsuko flipped out.

‘What do you mean, look where we are! Are you not attracted to me?!’

‘Don’t be ridiculous, of course I’m attracted to you!’ He couldn’t help raising his voice, but his tone turned morose. ‘You don’t seem like yourself today, you know. Maybe you’re a little desperate or reckless. Haven’t you noticed? You’ve just been going through the motions. It’s discouraging, to be honest. I’m a man, but when I see the woman I love in such a miserable state like that, I can’t just go along with it.’

Shocked, she suddenly felt cold. He had seen right through her. He knew something was wrong.

For the first time in their relationship, she hadn’t been completely forthcoming.

She tried to speak but her voice trembled. She flopped down onto the floor and let out a childlike wail. ‘I just wanted to feel cherished … You went all the way to Fukuoka on your trip and you remembered my exams and you brought me an amulet from Dazaifu. I wanted to feel cherished by you. Today I realized for the first time that when we kiss you’re always holding back. So I wanted to give myself to you.’

‘Ah … I can’t …’ He scratched his head noisily. ‘Etsuko, you’re crying like a little girl. First you raise your voice at me and then you start sobbing. I give up.’

What do you mean, you give up? she wanted to ask but she couldn’t find her voice. Her sobs had evolved into hiccups but eventually he squeezed in a few words between her sniffles.

‘Etsuko, are you naked?’

‘I have a … towel … wrapped around me.’

‘OK, listen. I’m at my wits’ end. If this were to happen again, I don’t think I’d be able to control myself.’ Then he turned towards Etsuko and held open his arms. ‘C’mere!’

She flew into his embrace. Aw, crap, stop being silly, he murmured under his breath. I’m sorry, she whispered, clinging to him.

‘Did something happen?’

While he held her tight, stroking her wet hair, she divulged the whole story that she had been keeping to herself all this time, which she hadn’t been able to share with her parents or even her friends.

She also told him what her teacher had said to her – ‘So you weren’t up to snuff after all.’

Tch … if he’s gonna be like that in the end then why’d he encourage me to try for a university I never had a chance at in the first place? I told him it was too much, I told him so all along! That I only wanted to take the exam where I knew I would get in.

I know my limitations better than anyone.

‘Don’t worry, it’s OK, you’re a good girl, a strong girl. You were thinking of your brothers, and of the burden on your parents, and about your future. Whatever you decide for yourself, Etsuko, that’s going to be the right thing. Your teacher must be a terrible judge of character, for him not to see how good you are.’

‘You really think I’m a good person?’

‘You’d be a better person if you put your clothes on. You’re killing me, you know.’

All right. She picked up her clothes and went back into the bathroom.

They spent the rest of the time they had in the room lying on the huge bed and talking.

She made a plea for him to take her on a trip, once she had started university and things had settled down. It could be somewhere nearby, she said, but she wanted them to stay at a classy hotel, so that could be her first time.

Now you’re starting to sound like yourself again, he laughed. Then he let out a deep sigh.

‘But once you’re at university I’m afraid you’ll ditch me. A clueless idiot who can’t even read the label on his own shirt.’

‘Don’t worry,’ she said. ‘I happen to love clueless idiots!’ Then she dived at him.

‘I don’t get you, weirdo,’ he said, opening his arms.

The train arrived at Koto’en.

As Etsuko alighted from the train, two college students who appeared to be a couple got on. The guy was tall and seemed kind of punk while the girl had a minimalist look, though she was pretty. She wore a necklace with a pale hand-blown glass pendant.

They probably went to the university that Etsuko had pined for. They looked to her like a happy couple.

But she wasn’t jealous. Because her boyfriend was good to her and she knew how much he cherished her, even if he was clueless.

Etsuko headed for her school, where her friends were waiting for her.