The Zero Night

12

Cat climbed the dunes behind the cottage. When she got to the top of the weedy slope, she could see Lake Superior spread out in front of her. The beach ran along the peninsula toward the Duluth skyline that was framed against the hillside, and waves thundered against the sand. She saw Serena near the edge of the surf, with the high wind making a mess of her long hair. Not far away, a dog ran back and forth through the water, returning to Serena like the fixed point of a compass.

Being here felt like home. She’d spent a lot of time at the lake with Serena, talking about life, men, sex, parents, and guilt. It was a kind of mother-daughter closeness that neither one of them had seen coming. Cat’s own mother had been killed by her father when she was six years old, and after that, she’d bounced between foster homes and life on the streets. When she’d moved into the cottage, her relationship with Serena had built in a slow, difficult way. With Stride, it had been easy. Stride was Stride. Cat loved him. But she and Serena had struggled. They’d started out jealous of each other, Cat for the fact that Stride loved Serena, Serena for the fact that Stride sometimes opened up to Cat more than to her. Cat was also naturally rebellious, not just like a normal teenager, but as a girl who’d lived through trauma and spent years making her own rules. Stride took some of that defiance, but Serena got the brunt of it.

However, as time passed, Serena began letting Cat make her own mistakes. In return, Cat found herself leaning on Serena more and more. She began to realize that she and Serena had a lot in common in their pasts, and she started to ask Serena for advice, even if she didn’t always take it. And although Serena had never pretended to be a surrogate mother to her, Cat began to look at her that way. She liked it now when Serena referred to her as her daughter.

She took the wooden steps to the thin strip of beach. It was a cold, crisp night, radiant with moon and stars. The dog galloped her way, as if recognizing a friend without being introduced. He rolled over on the sand, and Cat squatted and gave him plenty of attention. When she was finished, the dog jumped up and shook a cloud of sand off his fur, which made Cat laugh and cough. She came up beside Serena, where the waves slipped in almost to her feet.

For a long time, she felt no need to say anything. They both stood next to each other, arms crossed on their chests, the water dark and blue in front of them. Far out on the horizon were the stationary lights of an ore boat, awaiting a berth in the harbor.

Finally, Cat said, “So what’s the deal? Did you replace me with a dog?”

“That’s a long story,” Serena said.

“Is he a permanent addition?”

Serena sighed, and Cat heard sadness in her voice. “No. Just a visitor.”

“Well, he’s sweet.”

“Yes, he is.”

They both fell silent again. The waves kept coming and going.

“Curt says you threatened to kill him,” Cat said a couple of minutes later, with her usual girlish giggle.

Serena gave a little shrug. “I probably wouldn’t do it.”

“Probably?”

“It’s better that he’s not completely sure,” Serena said.

“You do know that you don’t need to worry about me and Curt, right? That’s ancient history.”

“I’m glad to hear it.”

Serena turned toward her in the moonlight. Cat saw a glassy shine in her eyes, but no actual tears. As she stood there, Serena reached out with one hand and stroked Cat’s chestnut hair. She looked her up and down with a kind of wonder.

“You’ve only been away a month, and you already look different,” Serena said.

“Different how?”

“Older. Wiser. In control of your life.”

“Thank you.”

“Sorry for not texting more,” Serena said. “I wasn’t ignoring you.”

“I knew where you were,” Cat replied. She closed the gap between them and folded Serena up in a hug. Serena was much taller and stronger, but Cat held her tight. When she let go, she tilted up her head and whispered, “Stride told me about Samantha.”

“I figured.”

“You okay?”

“No. Not really.”

“Wanna talk?”

“Yeah.”

Serena walked down the wet beach into the water, as if she needed the jolt of the chill to open up. The waves rushed in, soaking her shoes and ankles. The dog ran through the surf and barked at them happily. Cat joined her and put an arm around Serena’s waist and leaned her head against her shoulder.

“So what are you thinking about?” she asked.

“The bad old days in Phoenix,” Serena murmured, her voice barely louder than the lake.

“Sure.”

“I kick myself for letting it happen. I should have gotten out right away. I should have run as soon as I met Blue Dog. But I didn’t.”

“Yeah, but you were what, sixteen?”

“It didn’t matter how old I was. I knew what was going to happen. I knew what he was going to do to me, but I couldn’t leave Samantha. Back then, I couldn’t imagine life without her. It was my job to take care of her.”

Cat had heard the story before. “I was sixteen when you found me, too. Remember? I blamed myself that my life was such a mess. You were the one who kept telling me that it wasn’t my fault.”

“It wasn’t.”

“Well, what Samantha did to you wasn’t your fault, either.”

There was enough moonlight for her to see Serena slowly shaking her head, as if she still didn’t believe it.

“I stayed,” Serena said, sweeping the hair impatiently from her face as the wind gusted. “That was my choice. She needed me, so I stayed.”

“What she needed was more drugs. Samantha sold you. Blue Dog was her dealer, and she let him rape you over and over to keep herself in cocaine. How the hell does a mother do that to her daughter?”

Serena stared into the distance. “It was what Samantha wanted. That was the only thing that mattered to me. I was desperate to make her happy. She would sit in the corner of the bedroom and watch us, high as a mountain with those glazed eyes, and I would smile at her, because I wanted her to know everything was okay.”

Cat failed to keep the anger out of her voice. “Stop it, will you? I don’t want to hear shit like that. Blue Dog was a fucking animal. And I’m sorry, but so was Samantha. In fact, she was worse. You were a teenage girl getting abused over and over by the woman who was supposed to keep you safe. You don’t owe her a thing. Let her go. Let that bitch rest in hell.”

The dog heard their voices. It stopped, frozen, and then splashed through the surf and reared up to put its front paws on Serena’s stomach. Serena cupped the dog’s head between her hands. Cat realized, watching them, that there was something more intense in Serena’s affection for this dog than she was letting on. It was as if Serena were clinging to the Border collie for sanity, and if she let go of him, she would let go of herself, too.

“Do you want me to stay here with you tonight?” Cat asked.

“No.”

“Why not? It’s no trouble.”

“You don’t live here. You live in the dorm.”

“It’s only one night.”

Serena gave her a tired smile, as if someone had told a joke with a punch line that was more sad than funny.

“What is it?” Cat asked.

“You. You’re trying to take care of me.”

“So?”

“I guess that’s a tradition in my family,” Serena said. “Sooner or later, mother and daughter always trade places. Now it’s our turn.”

Stride arrived home late.

He found half a Sammy’s pizza on the dining-room table. Cat had already come and gone. He called Serena’s name, but she didn’t answer him. When he went to look for her, he found her in bed, lying atop the blanket in a T-shirt and shorts. She had the fresh, damp smell of the shower. A beautiful black-and-white Border collie lay asleep in the curve of her torso. When Stride came in, the dog opened one eye, wagged its tail briefly, and then fell asleep again.

Serena’s eyes were open, but she didn’t acknowledge him. Fully dressed, he climbed onto the bed beside her. The backs of their hands brushed together. They both stared at the ceiling.

“How was your first day?” she asked quietly.

“Disorienting. Energizing. Exhausting.”

“I’ve gotten a lot of calls. Everyone wants to know if you’re back for good. If you’re ready to be a cop again.”

“I don’t know the answer to that.”

Serena didn’t reply immediately, as if she were looking for the right words. “I think you made your decision when you walked through the door. Now it’s just a question of realizing that your mind is made up.”

“Maggie said the same thing. We’ll see.”

“And that’s all you’ve got to say?”

“What more is there?” Stride asked.

Serena exhaled with something like a hiss. “You’ve been struggling with this for months, but we haven’t talked about it. You talk to Cat. You talk to Maggie. Not me. I’m your wife.”

His hand nudged away from hers. “I know.”

“You love me, Jonny, but even after all this time, I’m not sure you trust me.”

“I could say the same about you.”

“Yes, I guess you could.”

He propped himself on one elbow. “What’s really going on with you?”

“I wish I knew.”

“Now look who’s keeping secrets,” he said.

“I’m not. I swear I’m not. I’m being honest. Losing Samantha is — it’s bringing up things I’ve never dealt with before. Things I didn’t even know I felt before. I was wrong to say I’m fine. I admit that. But I don’t know what I am.”

“How can I help?”

“I’m not sure you can. You have your struggle, I have mine. I have to deal with this on my own.”

He wanted to fight that idea. He wanted to tell her: No, you’re not alone. Your fight is my fight. But he didn’t. That wasn’t how they dealt with things. They avoided the hard stuff because it was easier to stay locked in their own worlds.

“I’ll give you space if that’s what you need,” he said.

She didn’t look surprised by his surrender. Her head turned; her green eyes stared at him. “I’m only going to ask you for one thing.”

“What’s that?”

He could see a strange battle going on behind her eyes. “Maggie told you about the dog, right? I’m sure she told you I stole him. I’m sure they keep calling about him.”

Stride nodded. “Yes. You’re right.”

“Don’t make me give him back,” she said fiercely.

“Serena—”

“I need more time with him. Don’t make me give him back. Not yet. Do whatever you have to do.”

“Why is this so important to you?” Stride asked.

“I shouldn’t have to tell you that. If I ask for something, that’s all you should need.”

“Okay. You’re right. I don’t need an explanation.”

Serena shook her head. “Liar.”

Stride felt as if she’d slapped him, but she wasn’t wrong. She wasn’t acting like the woman he knew. He didn’t understand what was happening to her, and he needed more than a leap of faith.

“Tell me,” he said. “What is it about this dog?”

“Blue Dog had a pit bull,” she murmured in reply.

“What?”

“A pit bull puppy. Elton. The dog was in the apartment when Samantha and I moved in. It hardly ever moved from the corner of the bedroom. If it barked, Blue Dog would kick it. If it whimpered, he’d burn it with cigarettes. Elton learned to stay in the corner and not move.”

Stride closed his eyes with a stab of grief. This was brand new. This was a story she’d locked away from him. He shook his head in dismay, feeling as if he and his wife were still strangers after all these years. All the things she’d told him about her past, and she’d left out the dog. She’d left out something that obviously still convulsed her with guilt.

“When it was just Elton and me in the apartment, I would talk to him,” she went on. “I would tell him that someday, we’d both run away. I’d leave, and I’d take him with me, and we’d be free. I swore to him that I would give him a better life and he’d never have to be afraid again.”

Serena rarely cried, but he watched tears begin to slip down her face like a river slowly escaping from the winter ice.

“But I left,” Serena said. “When I finally ran away to Las Vegas with Deidre, I didn’t take Elton with me. I left him there. I was supposed to save him, Jonny, and instead, I abandoned him. I left Elton to die with that son of a bitch.”

“Serena, you couldn’t go back to that apartment. It wasn’t safe. You had to get out of there.”

“I should have taken him with me,” she insisted.

She reached out with her hand, and the dog beside her woke up and nudged forward to put his nose against her cheek. Serena just closed her eyes and continued to cry softly and silently.

Serena, who was normally a pillar of strength. It scared him.

Stride let a few minutes go by, and then he said, “I’ll do what I can. I promise.”

Sometime later it was dark. Serena awoke from sleep, felt the warm lump of Elton still beside her, and heard Jonny sleeping on the other side of the bed.

Her head turned. She noticed the clock, as she always did. Midnight had passed again.

“6,608,” she murmured to herself.

But that night it didn’t feel like a victory.