The Zero Night

24

“Do you really think someone killed Nikki Candis?” Cat asked Serena, as they drove through the deserted streets of downtown Duluth. “It wasn’t suicide?”

Serena stared out the car window. In her head, she was going over Cat’s description of her conversation with Zach Larsen. That was easier than thinking about the things she had to tell Stride.

“I don’t know. I could be wrong, but there are a lot of things that don’t add up.”

“Like what?” Cat asked.

“Delaney keeping secrets. Nikki using a gun, when she hated guns. The breakup with Zach. And that package Nikki ordered. The angel figurine and the deer whistles. Something about those deer whistles bothers me. Put it all together, and I don’t get the picture of a woman who killed herself.”

“You don’t think Delaney killed her mother, do you?”

Serena shook her head. “No, Nikki’s parents told me they drove Delaney back from Mora that Sunday. The three of them were together when they found the body. And according to Paul Vavra, Nikki was alive on Friday when he picked up Delaney from the house. Of course, it’s possible that the Vavras are covering for Delaney, but that’s not how it feels. No, this is something else. I’m missing a piece of the puzzle, and when I find it, I think the whole thing will make sense.”

“What are you going to do next?”

“I’ll talk to Zach’s parents in the morning,” Serena said. “Usually, if the kids are close, the parents are, too. They may know something.”

Cat was quiet for a while, and Serena didn’t mind the silence. The girl crossed the lift bridge onto the Point and drove the Mustang toward the cottage, using the late hour as permission to blow past the speed limit. Serena rolled down the passenger window, and the cold air through the car helped clear her head of the aftereffects of the Absolut. She felt no need to throw up tonight, which was another small victory. First saying no to her hunger for Jagger. Then saying no to more vodka. She wanted to stack little successes on top of each other like blocks.

“You, me, and Delaney,” Cat murmured as they got closer to home.

“What about us?”

“Well, we’re like a little club, aren’t we? We all had our mothers taken away from us in one way or another.”

“True.”

Cat grabbed Serena’s hand and shot her a smile. “Except I was lucky. I got a second chance.”

Serena felt her emotions bubble up like a fountain. Rather than let the girl see her start to cry, she turned her face away to the open window. They reached the cottage driveway a few seconds later, and Cat turned in and parked the Mustang next to Stride’s Expedition.

“Do you want to go back to campus?” Serena asked. “I’m sure Jonny would drive you to the dorm.”

“No, I’ll just sleep here.”

“I can drop you off at school in the morning,” Serena said.

“Thanks.”

“And I appreciate you coming to get me.”

The girl kept a deadpan face. “I’m just glad you’ve never had to get me out of any trouble.”

Serena laughed at the sarcasm. Cat laughed, too. They hugged and then got out of the car and went into the cottage through the rear door. The kitchen was dark, but in the shadows, she could make out a figure sitting at the dining-room table. It was Jonny, waiting for them. Cat saw him, too, and she went over and kissed his cheek and murmured something that Serena couldn’t hear. Then the girl crossed the living room to her old bedroom and closed the door, leaving the two of them alone.

“Hi,” Serena said, sitting down in the nearest chair. The heat of guilt and embarrassment burned on her face.

“I’m glad you’re home,” Stride said.

“Yeah. Here I am.”

She had no idea what to say next. She had no idea where to start. The two of them simply stared at each other like wary boxers. The shadows deepened the furrows in his face, and his wavy hair covered most of his forehead. She could sense his frustration, his helplessness, because he didn’t know how to reach her. She felt the same way about him.

“I have to leave before daylight,” he said.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, we have a lead in the Webster case.”

“What is it?”

He explained about the anonymous call.

“It may be a dead end,” he went on, “but Maggie wants to find the tow-truck driver and get him out there early so we can search the area.”

“Good idea.”

“But if you want me to stay here, I’ll stay,” he added, nudging onto that thin ice between them.

“No, you should go,” Serena said.

His stiff reaction told her that she’d said the wrong thing. He thought she wanted him to leave, but that wasn’t true. She wanted him back on the case, back doing what he loved, because she was certain that was what he needed. The man who’d spent fourteen months wrestling with his future, going around in circles, wasn’t the man she’d married. Jonathan Stride was a cop. He would never be anything else, and the sooner he realized that, the sooner he could start living his life again.

She could have said all of that, but instead, she let the silence linger between them the way it had for months. Until she couldn’t take it anymore.

“You and me,” Serena went on finally. “What do we do?”

“I don’t know.”

“Because I really want to find our way back. I need that.”

“So do I. The truth is, I can’t live like this anymore, Serena.”

“Neither can I.”

“You cut me out tonight. Why?”

“Because I’m a different person when I drink, and I don’t like it when you see me that way.”

“Why not?”

Serena shook her head. Was he really going to make her say it? “Because I’m ashamed, Jonny. Because this is not who I am.”

“It is who you are, though. It’s part of you.”

“I hate being vulnerable.”

“I understand that. Believe me. Do you know how hard it was for me to rely on you after I was shot? To let you take care of me when I was physically crippled? I could barely get out of bed or do anything for myself. I wanted to send you away until I was past all that.”

“Why? I’m your wife. I love you. I loved caring for you.”

“I love you, too, but that’s not the point. I hated being vulnerable, just like you.”

“You didn’t ask to be shot. This is different.”

“It’s not different at all. You didn’t ask to be an alcoholic. You didn’t ask for a mother who abused you.”

Serena fell back on what she always did. She tried to drive him away.

“I almost had sex with another man tonight,” she interjected bluntly. She wanted to shock him. She wanted to make him realize how pathetic she was.

He didn’t look surprised. “The bartender?”

“Yes.”

“Well, did you?”

“No, but I thought about it. I wanted it. I wanted to do something stupid, something meaningless, something to make you hate me.” Serena shook her head. “I wouldn’t blame you if you walked away. My father left my mother. He was right to do it. He was smart.”

“You’re not Samantha.”

“Are you sure? Because I’m acting like her. It’s like she died, and this is what she left me.”

The chair scraped on the floor as Stride drew closer to her. He stroked her cheek with the back of his hand. It was dark in the cottage, and his face was dark, too. His voice was a whisper.

“I was thinking earlier about how much I hated Samantha,” he said. “And then it occurred to me that you still love her. That’s what makes this so complicated.”

She exhaled long and loud and tilted her chin to stare at the ceiling in the darkness. “How can I possibly love that woman?”

“She was your mother.”

“I know. God help me, she was. And you’re right. In some crazy, stupid way, I do still love her. I miss her. I miss what she should have been. I feel guilty that I abandoned her.”

“You saved yourself. That’s not the same thing.”

“Do you think she hated me for leaving?”

“No. I don’t think that at all. She kept your picture, remember?”

“I should have helped her. I should have done something more.”

“Serena, some people are beyond help. You know that. Samantha wasn’t the person she was because of you. She was just a lost soul. Her demons destroyed her.”

“What about my demons?” she asked.

“You’ve beat them back for years. You’re not your mother.”

“I’m not so sure.”

“Being weak during one terrible time in your life doesn’t change how strong you are.”

She pressed her fingers together, as if she were praying. She didn’t feel strong at that moment, and she didn’t even want to be strong. She needed other things. She needed not to be alone. She needed to let someone hold her and help her. Those were hard things to admit to herself.

“Let’s go to bed,” she said.

“Okay. You must be tired.”

“Not sleep, Jonny. That’s not what I want.”

She stood up from the table. Quickly, firmly, she pulled him to his feet, too. She led him through the cottage until they got to their bedroom. Inside, she closed the door tightly, hearing the handle rattle. They stood close to each other in the darkness, nearly invisible, and she heard nothing but his breathing. She guided his hands to her shirt, and he peeled it up, and then he unhooked her bra, and her breasts came free. His fingers undid the buckle of her jeans and slid the zipper down. She stepped out of the rest of her clothes.

“Turn on the light,” he said. “I want to see you.”

She did. The glow was dimmed, barely more than the light of a candle. She stood naked in front of him, feeling strangely exposed. It had been too long, and she didn’t feel like the woman she’d once been. But he didn’t see any of her flaws. His eyes roved over her skin, getting to know her again; his fingers touched her everywhere, softly, intimately. Her body responded like fire; her lips parted in a soft moan. She reached out and began undoing his buttons, but then she stopped.

“I’m not out of the woods,” she murmured.

“I know.”

“I don’t know how long it will take for me to be okay again.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“I’ll call Alice. I will. I’ll talk to her and get back in therapy.”

“You do whatever you need.”

“I need you, Jonny. That’s what I need.”

“I’m right here.”

“Undress for me. I want to see you, too.”

Serena watched him take off his clothes. Her eyes devoured him. His face, his skin, his body, his lean muscles. The pale scar dividing his chest that symbolized all of the divisions they’d been through in the past fourteen months. When he was completely naked, like her, she engulfed him in her embrace and molded her body against his, two halves making one whole.

Then she kissed him with all of her passion letting go, and she led him to bed.