Ties That Bind

Chapter Eight.

Two years ago, Amanda had represented Alan Ellis, a banker who'd been falsely accused of sexual molestation by a foster child. Eventually, the charges had been dismissed, but not before the banker had lost his job, his wife, his house, and most of his savings. Amanda was certain that her client was contemplating suicide, so she had asked around for the name of a psychiatrist who was competent and compassionate.

Ben Dodson's office was across from the library on the fourth floor of an eight-story medical building. Dodson was slender, with a dark complexion, and looked younger than forty-two. Granny glasses magnified the psychiatrist's blue eyes, and he wore his black hair almost to his shoulders. He stood up and flashed a ready smile when Amanda walked into his cozy office.

"It's good to see you again. How is Alan doing?"

"Last I heard, he was working for a bank in Rhode Island," Amanda said as she took a seat. "You really helped him."

Dodson shook his head. "I hope I never go through a tenth of what that poor bastard suffered. So, what brings you here? Have you got someone else for me to work with?"

Amanda had practiced what she was going to say in her apartment, in her office, and during the walk to Dodson's office, but now that she was here the words stuck in her throat. Dodson saw her distress and stopped smiling.

"Are you okay?"

Amanda didn't know how to answer the psychiatrist. She wasn't crazy, she felt fine most of the time. Maybe she'd made a mistake coming here.

"Pretty dumb question, huh?" Dodson said. "If you were okay you wouldn't be here. You want to tell me what's bothering you?"

Amanda still could not look at Dodson. "It's . . . it's stupid, really."

"But powerful enough for you to walk across town in the rain during your lunch hour. So, why don't you tell me about it."

Amanda thought about Toby Brooks and her nightmares and the flashbacks to the tunnel. It all seemed so silly in Dodson's office. Everyone gets scared, and she certainly had a good reason for her bad dreams.

"I'm probably wasting your time."

"I'm not doing much right now, so that's okay."

Amanda felt the heat rise in her cheeks. She hadn't felt this embarrassed since she'd made a fool of herself in her first trial.

"A week or so ago, I was at the Y, the YMCA. I work out there. Anyway, I was swimming and this man came over. He . . . he was very handsome, about my age. He seemed nice."

Amanda's voice caught. Dodson waited patiently while she gathered herself.

"I panicked. I was terrified. I couldn't breathe."

She stopped, feeling utterly ridiculous.

"Has that ever happened to you before?" Dodson asked. His tone was calm and nonjudgmental, but Amanda didn't know what to tell him.

"Do you have any idea why you became so frightened?" Dodson asked when Amanda did not answer his question. She felt panicky now. She wanted to bolt. "Amanda?"

"I might."

"Can you tell me?" Dodson asked softly.

"How much do you know about what happened to me last year?"

"I read the stories in the papers and it was on TV. The surgeon who tortured those women attacked you."

It felt very hot, very close in Dodson's office, and that made her remember the tunnel. She stood up.

"I have to go."

Dodson stood with her. "Amanda, I want to help you and I think I may have some idea about how to do it."

Amanda froze. "How could you know anything? I haven't told you a thing."

"Can you sit down? Can I talk to you?"

Amanda lowered herself onto the seat. She felt dizzy.

"I'm going to get you a glass of water. Is that okay?"

Amanda nodded. Dodson stepped out for a moment and returned with a glass of water. He sat down and waited while Amanda drank half of the glass.

"Can I make a few guesses?" Dodson asked.

Amanda nodded warily.

"You approved of my work with Alan Ellis. Am I right?"

"Yes."

"And you came here to talk to me because you know from Alan's case that I can help people who are troubled."

Amanda's throat constricted and her eyes grew damp. She felt weak and ridiculous as she fought for composure, and she hated feeling weak and not in control of a situation.

"But most of all, you came to me because you trust me, because you know that what you tell me and what I tell you will stay between us, and because you know that I want to help you and that I will do everything I can to help you deal with this thing that's driven you to me."

The dam broke and Amanda started to sob. She made no sound but her head bobbed up and down. She jammed her fists in her eyes to stop the tears but she couldn't. Dodson let her cry. When her shoulders stopped shaking, he handed Amanda a box of tissues that had been sitting on his desk.

"I want you to tell me what happened last year with the surgeon," Dodson said when Amanda was calmer.

Amanda spoke with her head down and her eyes averted. She spoke without emotion, as if she was relating the plot of a movie she had seen a while ago. In the movie she was stripped naked, tape was placed over her mouth, her hands were secured behind her back with plastic restraints, and a hood was placed over her head. Then she was forced to run through a tunnel, her breath coming in short gasps, a sharp knife jabbing her buttocks to force her to move faster. And all that time the surgeon told her his plans for her and revealed his interest in testing how much pain a well-conditioned athlete could endure before she died or went insane.

"Before your escape, how did you feel?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Scared," Amanda answered. The short time in Dodson's office had exhausted her, and she wanted to curl up on his carpet and go to sleep. "I . . . I was certain that I was going to die."

"What about physiologically?"

"I don't understand."

"How was your breathing?"

"I had a lot of trouble. My mouth was taped, and a hood was pulled down over my head. There were moments when I thought that I might black out."

"What about your heartbeat?"

"It was elevated, really beating hard, and I was sweating."

"Have there been times since the incident, after you knew that you were safe, when you've reexperienced these physiological responses?"

"Yes."

"Okay. What about after you escaped? How did that feel?"

"At first I didn't know that I was free. I just ran, expecting him to catch me any second. Then the SWAT team found me. I was elated, really excited for a short time."

"It looked like the surgeon had escaped, too, at first, didn't it?"

Amanda nodded.

"How did you feel during that period?"

"Very frightened. I had a police guard, but I jumped at every sound and I always had the feeling that someone was watching me."

"How did you feel when you learned that your tormentor was dead?"

"I was with Dad. Sean McCarthy, the lead detective, drove out to the house. He told us in person. I remember not hearing what he said, at first. It was like what happens in a dream sometimes, when a person is right in front of you talking but the sound doesn't travel. I don't think I showed any emotion. I don't think I believed it. When I finally accepted what Sean had said, I almost collapsed from relief."

"Did you feel safe again?"

"For a time."

"When did that feeling of being safe fade away?"

Amanda felt anxious as she recalled the first time she'd had a flashback.

"Drink some water," Dodson urged. "When you're ready to talk about it, tell me what happened."

"This is really stupid."

"Try me," Dodson said, encouraging her with an understanding smile.

"I was home alone watching television, some cop show. I just turned it on without knowing the plot, and it was about a serial killer."

Amanda licked her lips nervously and took another drink of water.

"He grabbed a woman in a parking lot and locked her in the back of his van. She was screaming and pounding on the door. They were driving through the center of a big city and no one knew she was in that van. I broke out in a sweat, I panicked. It was as if I was back in the tunnel fighting for my life."

"What did you do?"

"I think I blacked out for a minute, because suddenly I was on the floor and I wasn't sure how I got there. I ran into the bathroom. I splashed water on my face. I took deep breaths. I was on edge all evening. I didn't sleep for hours."

"Have you had these feelings on other occasions?"

"Yes." She told Dodson about her recent panic attack in the office when she had seen the autopsy photographs by accident. "I've had nightmares, too."

"When you have a flashback, what is it like?"

"It's like I'm really there. Sometimes I can even smell the damp and feel the dirt. I . . . I feel like I'm going . . . like I'm losing it."

"Let's go back to the incident at the pool. Tell me about that again."

Amanda told Dodson about Toby Brooks's attempt to recruit her for the Master's swim team.

"My reaction was so stupid. Asking me to join the team was so normal. It was nice. Toby seemed kind. He was kind. But I was terrified."

"How did you feel when you were talking to Toby?"

"Feel? I didn't know him well enough to feel anything."

"But you just told me that you panicked when he spoke to you, that you were too spent emotionally to swim anymore."

"Yes."

"Why do you think you felt that way?"

"I don't know."

"Did you trust him?"

"I . . ." Amanda stopped. "I don't know." Her eyes dropped to her lap. "I guess not," she whispered.

"Are you finding it difficult to trust other people?"

"I don't know."

"Think about it. You have friends, don't you?"

She nodded.

"Have you seen a lot of them since the incident?"

"I guess I haven't. I don't feel comfortable around them anymore."

Amanda suddenly remembered the way she'd treated Mike Greene. She felt very bad.

"There's a man I've been dating a little. He's very nice. I was supposed to go out with him the evening I saw the autopsy photographs and panicked. I was so rattled that I forgot all about the date. Then, when he showed up, I . . . I sent him away. I didn't explain why. I'm sure I hurt his feelings, and he's only been nice to me."

Amanda hung her head. She dabbed at her eyes with a tissue.

"You've been through a lot today and I think this is a good time to stop. But I'm going to talk a little before you go, and I want you to listen carefully and think about what I tell you--especially if you have another one of these incidents.

"First, you're not crazy. In fact, your reactions are so common that there's a name for them. What you are experiencing is called post-traumatic stress disorder. They used to call it shell shock in the First World War because soldiers who had been in combat manifested the problem most dramatically. We saw a lot of it in soldiers coming back from Vietnam. But it's not just war. Individuals who live through a psychologically distressing event that is outside the range of usual human experience can have the same symptoms. They can be triggered by a plane crash, torture, an earthquake, or a kidnapping--anything that involves intense fear, terror, and helplessness. The problem seems to be more severe and last longer when the stressor is of human design, like the one you encountered.

"One of the most common symptoms of PTSD is the reexperiencing of the traumatic event through nightmares and flashbacks. The anniversary of the event can trigger feelings of panic or anxiety, and the same feelings can be triggered by something that reminds you of the event, like a movie with a serial killer or just meeting someone who reminds you of the person who caused your terror."

"Like Toby."

Dodson nodded. "I don't want to get into this too much right now, but I do want you to understand that your responses are reasonable."

"Why didn't I have them right after I was attacked? Why did it take a while before I started having these flashbacks and the nightmares?"

"Good question. At first, when you thought the surgeon was still at large and could hurt you, you went into a survival mode with a heightened state of alert and you suppressed all of your emotions so you could deal with the danger. But once you felt safe, you relaxed and gave your doubts and fears time to surface. Your guard was down. When you came in contact with a stimulus like the autopsy photo or Toby Brooks, you were forced to recall the incident without time to prepare yourself, and you started to wonder if it could happen again."

"What can I do to make this stop?" Amanda asked, her voice almost a whisper. "That's why I came here. I want it to stop. I was happy before. I was a happy person." Tears welled up in Amanda's eyes again. She dabbed at them with a tissue. "I want to be happy again."

Dodson leaned toward Amanda. When he spoke, he sounded confident and comforting.

"You are a very strong person, Amanda. It took strength for you to come here. I can't guarantee that you'll ever feel the way you did before the attack, but I can tell you that other people have fought through what you are experiencing. Right now I think it would help if you keep doing things you enjoy and are around people you like and trust. I'd also suggest that you try to avoid situations or books or movies that might trigger a reaction."

"What about my work, Ben? I'm a criminal defense attorney. I deal with murder and rape every day. What do I do about that?"

"That's a question I can't answer right now, but it's something that both of us need to think about."