Trial Junkies

— 35 -

"I'm not a fool," Ronnie told him, after the others were gone. "I know you aren't doing this for me."

Hutch stood at the windows, watching the headlights streak along Lakeshore Drive. Over his objections, Ronnie had insisted on cleaning up the mess on the dining table and was now wiping her hands with a dish towel as she approached him. Her mother and son wouldn't be moving in until tomorrow, so it was just the two of them tonight.

Hutch looked at her reflection in the glass and pulled himself from his thoughts of Jenny. He had once again been wallowing in his guilt over how he'd left it with her.

Where were you, Ethan?

Why didn't you return my calls?

After things went bad, after he'd fled college for what he'd hoped would be a better life-a more exciting one, at least-he had still believed that somewhere down the line he would see her again. Even after he'd failed to contact her, and that bullet train of a decade rocketed past, he had never for a moment thought that he'd be standing here in his childhood home, mourning her loss.

Ronnie moved up alongside him. "I know it's about Jenny," she said. "I think about all those years living in that house and how I used to look at the two of you on nights like this, curled up on the sofa as we all watched a movie." She shook her head. "God, how I envied her."

Hutch wasn't sure how to respond to this.

"You were the magic couple," Ronnie went on. "The two who got it right while the rest of us were stumbling through a post-adolescent haze."

"But we didn't get it right," Hutch said. "Not in the end. Not me, at least."

He thought about his parents' funeral, when Jenny had come to pay her respects. He had known she was there, but with the paparazzi hovering, he had left the church as soon as the service was over, and he hadn't looked back.

"I'm talking quality, Hutch. And intensity. Maybe too much intensity. Maybe that's what scared you away."

He shot her a look, surprised by her sudden insight. "You're psychoanalyzing me now?"

"I don't have a right to be psychoanalyzing anyone. I can barely hold it together myself. But I know a kindred spirit when I see one. I know you've probably spent a lot of time trying to figure out who the hell you are, always afraid that you'll be a disappointment to the people around you. People like Jenny."

He took a breath. "Careful, doc, you're cutting a little too deep."

"What can I say? I spent a lot of time in a jail cell thinking about this stuff. About how scared we all are-every single one of us. Only some of us disguise it better than others."

"And some of us bury it with booze and drugs."

He had once again been thinking about finding a bar, or drinking the leftover Double Diamond in the fridge. It was getting increasingly harder to resist.

One sip, Hutch.

One tiny little sip.

Ronnie reached over and took hold of his hand. "I'm so sorry she's gone. And if I can help you stop thinking about her for a while, it would be the least I could do."

He faced her now, looking into her dark eyes, seeing what he hadn't seen all those years ago, what he'd noticed at the The Monkey House the night she was arrested.

Just how beautiful she truly was.

He wanted to lean down and kiss her. But he couldn't. Not like this. Not with Jenny still on his mind.

"Let me help you," she said. "Like you've helped me. You can pretend I'm her if you want-I don't care. God knows I've pretended enough with other men."

He didn't have to ask what she meant by this, considering Matt's insistence that she had always been in love with him. But should he take her up on her offer?

If he did, it meant that Nadine's warning was right. That he was thinking with his dick.

But was that really so bad?

Was it?

Yes, he thought-and he resisted. Just as he resisted that Double Diamond, calling out to him.

One sip, Hutch.

One tiny little sip.

Over the last ten years, Hutch had slept with more than his share of women, had even taken on a long-term relationship or two. But he'd never felt as if he'd been completely present in any of them. Had always held back, careful not to give too much of himself. He didn't want anyone falling in love with him, because he knew he couldn't return that love. It had always been "friends with benefits" for him, an arrangement that rarely ended well.

He remembered once being described in People magazine as "Hollywood's Biggest Catch!" and nearly laughed out loud when he saw the issue on a newsstand.

Some catch. All he offered was disappointment. He'd even disappointed the one woman he had allowed himself to love.

"Let me help," Ronnie whispered again. And as he stood there looking into her eyes-eyes that were asking as much as offering-he felt his body stirring.

One sip, Hutch.

One tiny little sip.

She moved closer to him now, her breasts brushing against his chest, her own body (if Matt was to be believed) filled with a decade's worth of pent-up desire. The now familiar smell of lavender filled his nostrils and he imagined himself pressing his mouth against the nape of her neck, tasting her, breathing her in.

But he gently pulled away.

"You should get some sleep," he said. "Big day in court tomorrow."

The disappointment in her expression was so palpable that he once again felt the sting of guilt, even though he'd done nothing to lead her on.

She stepped back and away from him, lowering her eyes. "I… I'm sorry, I… "

"There's nothing to be sorry about. I'm flattered, believe me, and tempted too. Very tempted. But I don't think the timing is right."

She looked up suddenly, releasing a sharp, humorless laugh. "Timing? Who gives a damn about timing?"

"I'm just thinking that with the trial and every-"

"I'm not asking you to marry me, Hutch. I'm only looking for a comfort fuck-and I thought you might be, too."

Her tone was abrupt and abrasive, and for reasons he didn't quite understand, this made her all the more attractive to him. And somehow more vulnerable.

But he knew she was lying. This would be much more than a simple comfort fuck, and he needed to walk away. Now. He didn't want her to be a substitute for Jenny. That was just wrong, on far too many levels.

But before he knew it, he was pulling her toward him and pressing his mouth against hers, tasting her, feeling the heat of her tongue, his hands roaming, fingers probing, as they moved together toward the couch and fell onto the cushions.

And it wasn't just a sip.

He drank the whole goddamn bottle.

Later, as they lay in bed, her warm breasts pressed against his arm, Ronnie said, "What if they convict me? What am I gonna do?"

He reached over, stroked her hair. Ran his hand along her jaw. "You can't think like that."

Yet he'd been thinking the very same thing.

"Can't I? We point at the evidence and moan about how ridiculous it is, but there's no guarantee the jury will see that. Some of those women look at me as if I'm the Devil incarnate-and the trial has barely even started."

"Then we'll just have to prove that Langer's the one who should be on trial."

She sighed. "Let's be realistic. What you proposed tonight sounded like something from a bad TV show."

"Good thing I have a lot of experience with that."

"I mean it, Hutch. The only way I'm getting out of this is if the jury votes for acquittal or Langer miraculously confesses-assuming he's even done anything. I'm still not convinced he's the bad guy."

"He's a stalker, we know that much."

"Do we?"

"Come on, Ronnie. He's obviously been obsessed with you ever since he saw you at school. And I've seen the way he looks at you in the courtroom. Everything in my gut tells me he's our guy."

"And what if your gut is wrong?"

"Then we just have to hope the jury sees through Detective Meyer's bullshit. Maybe you'll feel better after Waverly does her cross."

She turned onto her back now and brought her forearm over her eyes, trying to hide the tears that were forming. "I am so screwed…"

Hutch got up on his elbow. "You have to think positive, kiddo. It'll all work out. We'll make it work."

She took her arm away and wiped at the tears. "How?"

A good question. The logistics of what he had proposed tonight had been loosely worked out, but when it came down to it, they were a bunch of amateurs and they were flying blind.

"We'll find a way," he said. "I promise."

She nodded and tried to smile, tried to put on a brave face, but her eyes were full of doubt and he didn't blame her. Then she said in a small, tentative voice, "What if there's another way to beat this? A way that has nothing to do with Langer or the jury."

"I don't understand."

"I could disappear," she said. "Take Christopher and run. Do what Langer did and create false identities. You could even come with us if you-"

"Stop," he said. "Don't say another word."

She got quiet for a moment, then started to cry again. "I can't go back to jail, Hutch. Not for something I didn't do. And these bastards want to put me away for the rest of my life."

"And running only makes you look guilty."

"So what? Everyone already thinks that."

"I don't," Hutch said. "And neither do your friends."

"I'll try to remember that when I'm exercising in the prison yard." She rolled onto her side, putting her back to him. She was quiet for a long time, then she said, "If I run, at least I'll be with my son."

"And where would you go?"

"I don't know. Mexico, maybe. South America. Somewhere remote."

Hutch sighed.

Was that what this night had really been about? Ronnie manipulating him again, saying she wanted to help him forget, when what she really wanted was his help in running away?

Stop letting your dick do your thinking for you.

He needed to bring her back to reality, pronto.

"This is the twenty-first century, Ron. Nobody disappears anymore. It isn't possible. Everyone has cell phones, cameras, Internet connections, Twitter feeds. You'd have the FBI and Interpol circulating your photos around the world and sooner or later they'd find you. I'm guessing sooner."

"What about Langer? He did it. Changed his identity."

"Yeah, but it took Matt-what? — less than a day to figure out he wasn't kosher. And Langer's a nobody. With the kind of publicity you've been getting, how long do you think you'd last?"

"I told you, I could go somewhere remote."

"And do what? Herd sheep for a living?"

"If I have to."

Hutch sat up now, looking down at her, wondering if she really meant what she was saying. She must have known the idea was absurd. She wasn't a stupid woman.

He swung his legs around and got to his feet. "I know I said I'd help you, Ronnie, but not like this. I won't do this."

"I wasn't serious about you coming along."

"I hope you aren't serious at all. Running isn't the answer."

She looked up at him. "Isn't it?"

He studied her a moment-her wounded eyes, her naked frame perched at the edge of the bed as if she was already preparing to run. Her body was compact, toned, her skin as soft and flawless as a child's. And that's what she looked like right now. A forlorn, frightened child.

But she wasn't one. Far from it.

There had been a fierce desperation to their lovemaking, but it had felt right, more right than Hutch had anticipated, with none of the requisite awkwardness that accompanied a first time together. He moved around the bed and crouched in front of her, smoothing her dark hair with his hand, remembering how it had dangled toward his chest as she had worked her hips atop him.

"It'll all work out," he said. "You have to trust me."

"I want to. I really want to."

"Promise me you won't do anything crazy."

She said nothing. Merely reached out and put her arms around his neck, urgently pulling him toward her.

A few moments later he was inside her again.

And for a short time, all was right with the world.

Later still, as Ronnie slept quietly beside him, their legs entangled, her head resting against his shoulder, Hutch thought he saw Jenny standing near his bedroom window, hiding in the shadows there, watching them.

Then he realized he was dreaming, and in the dream she stepped forward into the moonlight, wearing only the faded UIC Flames t-shirt that Nadine had worn two nights ago.

She studied Hutch with mild disapproval, then said, "Really, Ethan? I'm dead four months and you're already sleeping with her?"

"A moment of weakness," he told her. "It doesn't really mean anything."

"It does to her."

He turned and looked at Ronnie then, her eyes closed, her breathing shallow, her naked form curled up beside him. Clinging to him.

Had he made a mistake?

When he looked at Jenny again, she was gone, and a sudden ache filled his gut. He sucked in a sharp breath and held it, wondering if the pain would ever leave him.

Where were you, Ethan?

Why didn't you return my calls?

Then he opened his eyes, awake now, and tried very hard not to cry.