Trial Junkies

— 4 -

You'd miss your own damn funeral.

It was a phrase her mother had pretty much worn out over the years. Just another one of the many cliches Mom liked to pull out of her butt in her never-ending quest to harass and belittle her only daughter.

But as the cab turned onto State Street and found itself stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic, that cheerless, put-upon voice popped uninvited into Ronnie Baldacci's head, and she couldn't help but laugh.

She was about to miss a funeral, all right.

Not hers, but that was a mere technicality.

The driver heard the laugh and glanced at her in his rearview mirror as he gestured to the crush of cars in front of them. "You think this is funny?"

"I think I'll get out here," she told him, then tossed a ten dollar bill onto the front seat. The meter had already ticked past nine-fifty, so there wasn't much of a tip, but Ronnie wasn't exactly Donald Trump, either. She figured the guy was lucky to get that much out of her.

Before he could make any snide remarks, she slung her backpack over her shoulder, threw her door open and bolted up the street, hoping to cover the three remaining blocks to the cathedral in record time.

Ronnie had come straight from work and wasn't really dressed for the occasion. That fat bastard Raymond had refused to let her leave more than half an hour early, so she'd had just enough time to finish blow drying Mimi, Mrs. Bowman's nasty little poodle, before taking a quick pee and jumping into the cab.

She didn't think too many people would care that she was wearing only jeans, a V-neck and a hoodie, but if they did, screw 'em. The ones who mattered would understand. It was either this or not show up at all-and not showing up wasn't an option.

Ronnie was sweating and winded by the time she reached the front steps of St. Angela's, which led to a huge, ornate old ragstone structure that made her feel puny and insignificant. An insect at the mercy of the world around her.

But then most things made her feel that way. Her life was overwhelming in its insignificance, and she'd be lying if she said she'd never considered taking the express route into the great unknown.

When she read about what had happened to Jenny, she was shocked and mortified and saddened, but just a tiny bit envious, too. Not about the way she had died-nobody wanted that, for chrissakes-but the fact that Jenny no longer had to deal with the multitude of disappointments life had to offer the average human animal.

Problem was, even in her most self-destructive frame of mind, Ronnie had too many reasons not to follow through on the impulse to do herself in-not the least of which was that she was too much of a coward to do the deed. The idea of physical pain terrified her, and she couldn't see how it was possible to off yourself without it. Something she'd just as soon avoid.

But there was another, more compelling reason to stay alive. One she had spent the last several months fighting for.

One she would never stop fighting for.

Struggling to breathe, she glanced down at her chest and noticed her Canine Cuttery name badge was still pinned above her left breast. She had half a mind to toss it to the sidewalk and stomp it to a fine dust (while imagining it was Raymond's head), but she simply unclipped it and stuck it in her back pocket.

It would be safe enough there. She'd lost one already and that cheap bastard Raymond had told her he'd charge her for another replacement.

Jerk.

Jeez, Ronnie, get a grip. You keep carrying on like this, people are gonna think you're unhappy.

She laughed again and some nitwit in a business suit looked at her as if she were crazy. She stuck her tongue out at him, then sucked in a deep breath and hurried up the steps of the cathedral and went inside.

To her dismay, the Mass was already in full swing. The doors creaked loudly as they closed behind her and several heads swiveled in her direction. She glanced around and spotted Matt Isaacs gesturing for her to join him.

Quickly moving up the aisle, she squeezed in next to him and nodded to Andy McKenna as she sat down. She couldn't remember ever seeing the two of them apart. Especially back in college. If she didn't know they were both avowed heterosexuals-especially Matt-she'd have to wonder.

"It ain't a date if Ronnie isn't late," Matt murmured.

"Hey, I'm here, aren't I?"

He squeezed her hand. "You are indeed. Good to see you, babe."

"Likewise," she said, squeezing back. "What's it been-two years? Shame it takes something like this to get us all to-"

Someone shushed her and Ronnie whirled around, looking for the offender. An old woman with a couple extra chins was scowling at her, and Ronnie resisted the urge to flip her off. Instead, she smiled sweetly, then turned her attention to the front of the cathedral, staring blankly at the casket as the priest stood over it, mumbling something in…

Holy crap, she thought.

The casket.

Jenny's casket.

Despite her morbid interior monologue a moment ago, Ronnie had been having a hard time getting her head around the idea that Jenny was really gone. Ever since she'd heard the news, it had felt like an abstract notion, a concept so surreal that she had found herself unable to feel anything but a kind of detached numbness.

Until now. Looking at that casket.

Jesus.

Not that she and Jenny had been all that close. Some might say they didn't even like each other. But that wasn't strictly true.

Oh, they'd had their troubles in the past, no doubt about it, but even when you were envious of Jenny, even when you knew that she was as close to perfection as a human being could get, that she had been blessed by all the angels in Heaven-for a while, at least-there was something about the girl that made it impossible to dislike her.

In short, she was the exact opposite of Ronnie, and her death was a testament to how seriously screwed up the universe truly was.

Matt squeezed Ronnie's hand again, then leaned toward her, keeping his voice low. "Check it out. Third row. Left side."

Ronnie shifted her gaze and felt her heart kick up a notch, surprised to see none other than Ethan Hutchinson sitting close to the aisle, looking much better than he had in, like-forever.

Not that she could tell all that much from this angle. But the last she'd seen of him was a clip on Celebrity Death Watch, when he'd been too zonked to even realize he was on camera. She hated the show, thought it was unnecessarily cruel and invasive, but she'd been riveted to the screen like a rubbernecker at a train wreck, and her heart had broken for the guy.

It didn't help that she'd always had a bit of a crush on him.

She had heard that he had finally gotten his act together, but she had to admit she'd been skeptical-and wrong, apparently. Because here he was. Looking good. Almost like the old Hutch.

Ronnie didn't know why she was surprised to see him here. He had been head over heels for Jenny since the day they met, and she knew there had to be a storm raging inside of him right now.

Because the simple truth of the matter was that Jennifer Keating had not deserved to die. Not by a long shot.

And Hutch had to be feeling it more than any of them.