Unbeloved

Chapter Eighteen

Life was made up of moments, big ones and little, the good and bad, dark and light. We never remembered the gray, the times in between, but instead only the moments that had the ability to transform us in some way, affect us so completely that the memory would be forever etched upon who we were, who we are, and who we would become.

My moments were many. Becoming pregnant at fifteen, married to a man I didn’t love at eighteen, falling in love for the first time while I was still married to a man who was also married.

Losing the respect and support of my family.

And then falling in love again, this time for the last time with a man who was virtually a stranger to me, and again becoming pregnant.

The day Chrissy shot me, the first time I saw Christopher’s face and innately knew he was mine, the day my memories started to return.

All a mixture of devastation and happiness that I’d never forget.

My daughter falling apart in my arms after Cage had been shot, and then the look on her face when she’d married him and finally had the one thing she’d wanted most in this world.

Each and every one of Christopher’s smiles.

Hawk not showing up for Christmas and all the events that followed, leading to me finally having the courage to face Jase, to let him go, and by letting him go finally allowing myself to accept my true feelings for Hawk.

And Hawk. Having him, for the first time, really, truly having the man I undeniably loved, a man who loved me unconditionally in return, having him in my heart and in my arms, and unashamedly, unapologetically, finally being able to tell the world that he was mine and I was his.

Those were the moments I’d remember forever, the moments of my life, the story of me.

And it was all ending with Hawk leaving.

He was leaving me.

Not by choice, but because of his sense of duty—to Deuce, to all the Horsemen, even to Preacher.

Neither Deuce nor Preacher would ever allow another organization to dictate how they ran their businesses, who they bought from, who they sold to. And because of that, in return for saving Hawk’s life, Hawk had to sacrifice his freedom for the good of both clubs.

In a few days there would be a meeting with the club’s lawyer to discuss their strategy, and in three weeks’ time, Deuce would accompany Hawk to the FBI headquarters where Hawk would reveal who he really was, ultimately turning himself in.

And I would lose him all over again.

Moments.

Good . . . and bad.

My life.

At first I’d cried.

Then I’d asked Hawk, my voice a hoarse whisper, “How long will you be gone?” And he couldn’t give me an answer, just a look that told me, in no uncertain terms, that he didn’t have an answer for me but he expected the worst and so should I.

“What exactly are you wanted for?” I asked meekly, dreading the answer.

He didn’t want to tell me, that much I could discern from the deep frown that formed on his usually unmovable features.

“Weapons, drugs, human trafficking.” He sighed. “You name it, my father had his hand in it.”

Then I’d yelled while I’d cried, I’d beat my fists against the bedding and pillows instead of the man. Because even though I wanted to blame him, I couldn’t. I couldn’t blame him for the sins of his father, or that his father had been careless enough to let his teenage son be a part of such a dangerous game.

Then I’d cried again. I’d cried because I could have spent the past eight years in his arms. I could have looked past my pain and allowed him in, opened that door he’d been waiting outside the entire time and just fucking let him in.

But I hadn’t, because even though I’d thought myself stronger, I hadn’t been. I’d still been hiding, still scared of myself and my feelings, of what my future held.

And now it was too late.

Then I’d kissed him. Cupped the sides of his face, dug my fingers through his scruffy beard and into his skin, then up into his hair and while raking my nails across his scalp, I kissed him hard. A ferocious, tear-drenched kiss, full of my anger and pain, pouring it all into his mouth, into him. Because I had to do something or I would scream and scream, and I’d feared that if I started screaming, I’d never stop.

We made love again, this time without my insecurities and without Hawk’s restraint. Despite his limited range of movement, he was aggressive, demanding, and equally as passionate as I was needful. I wasn’t gentle; I couldn’t be. I didn’t have time for gentleness, didn’t have time to take things slow, to get to know each other all over again, discovering what he loved best and I what I enjoyed most.

All I had was right now and I didn’t want to waste it. Him. Us. Our moments.

These moments that I would remember for the rest of my life.

Him, so deep inside me that I could feel him, large and heavy with need, the blood pumping through his body, beating in time with my own heart.

And me, so full, so utterly satiated, surrounded and infused by him, both too much and not enough, and ultimately heartbreakingly satisfying to levels of gratification only known by a woman who has experienced what true love is.

Moments.

I cried again when I came. Breathless and still quivering from my release, with Hawk still inside me, I collapsed onto his chest. His arms wound around me, squeezing me tightly, his face buried into my hair while my eyes overflowed, wetting both of us, and neither of us spoke.

When my tears had run dry, when I was finally able to release him, he refused to let me go.

“You’re my woman, Dorothy Kelley,” he said, his deep voice soft. “Always have been, always will be. I’ve waited a long-ass time for this, for you, so havin’ to wait a little longer ain’t gonna kill me.”

I raised my head to meet his eyes. Eyes that were surprisingly moist. Hawk really had changed. Finally being free of his past, his secrets, no longer in hiding, had brought out the man he always should have been, a man I loved even more because of it.

“I’ll wait forever.” I whispered the words, willing myself to stay strong, at least for this moment. “I will wait for fucking ever,” I repeated, this time with more force, every fiber of my being afire with the truth of those words. I could feel it, breathe it, that I would undoubtedly wait forever for this man to come back to me.

Hawk’s lips split into a smile so big, so bright, that even his beard couldn’t hide the intensity of it.

I couldn’t help but grin in return.

Hawk didn’t grin. There were those rare occasions that one of the boys at the club would say something juvenile, causing him to laugh, but a grin, a cat-that-ate-the-canary sort of grin? Never.

A hand came down hard on my backside, a sharp slap that echoed throughout the room, making me jump.

“Woman,” he said, barking out a laugh. “I fuckin’ love it when you curse.”