Unbeloved

Chapter Twenty-One

It was the night before Hawk would be leaving, and I’d spent the majority of it making a rather extravagant dinner for my family. Tegen and Cage were spending the entire day out of the house in order to give the three of us time together, and Hawk had spent most of the day with Christopher, doing as much as he could with his son despite his limited mobility.

As for me, I couldn’t sit still. I was in a constant state of nervous anxiety, full of so much dread of what was to come that I had to stay busy in order to keep from crying, or screaming, or both.

After prepping a seven-pound ham, I’d begun preparing asparagus, homemade mashed potatoes, and gravy. Then I finished with a traditional Irish apple and bramble cake with whiskey custard, made from scratch and my memories of baking alongside my grandmother.

When there was nothing left to prepare and I was only waiting on the cake to finish cooling, I took off my apron and headed upstairs to shower before dinner.

Once clean, my hair blow-dried and as straight as I could get it, I sorted through the limited clothing I’d brought with me, finding nothing I wanted to wear. I had no desire to slip into a pair of worn jeans and a faded T-shirt, but instead wished for tonight to be special, a memory Hawk could think back on and smile about.

Giving up on my own belongings, I headed into Tegen’s room to search through her closet in hopes of finding something simple yet sexy. No longer stick thin, her clothing might be long on me, but at least it would fit my width.

After sorting through her vast variety of band T-shirts, assorted colorful tank tops, long flowing skirts, and numerous holey jeans, I was just about to give up and head back to my own room when I found it.

It was a silky black halter dress with a deep V-neck and a cinched waist. It would hit about mid-thigh on Tegen, but on me would reach my knees. It looked expensive, and after finding the tags still on it, I found that it was indeed a small fortune and surmised that it was probably a gift from Kami. Knowing my daughter, I knew she’d never wear it.

But for me, it was perfect.

After applying more makeup then I’d ever worn before, including foundation, powder, a shimmering dark eye shadow, and a healthy amount of mascara, I brushed my hair out one last time, slipped in a pair of Tegen’s black feather earrings, and then for a moment simply stared at myself in the full-length mirror.

Much like when I’d lost my memories, I didn’t recognize the woman staring back at me. Even with my lack of a bra, which left my breasts sloping naturally, and my older and softer body, despite the lines beginning to frame my eyes and my more mature features, I looked the most vibrant, the most beautiful I could ever remember myself looking or feeling before.

Feeling nervous but surprisingly confident, I descended the stairs, happily inhaling the smells of my mouthwatering meal as I breezed past the kitchen and turned left to enter the living room.

Both Hawk and Christopher were utterly immersed in whatever video game they were playing, their eyes glued to the television screen while their fingers worked the controllers with swift and sure movements.

I stared at them for a moment, just drinking in the sight of father and son, knowing this was the last time for a long time that they would be able to just be together in this way. It made me incredibly sad to think that another of my children would grow up without their father.

Hawk and I had both tried our best to let Christopher know what was coming, without giving away the grittier aspect of things. Although the time would soon come when he would be visiting his father in jail, neither of us wanted to taint Christopher with the brutal details of his father’s past. And while Christopher had become upset hearing that his father would no longer be coming for visits, he didn’t truly understand, and both Hawk and I decided to leave well enough alone for the time being.

“Mom!” Christopher exclaimed, dropping his controller into his lap. His eyes widened into big green saucers as he took in my appearance. “You look so pretty!”

I smiled at my son, but my attentions were soon diverted to Hawk, who had also released his controller and was raking me over with his eyes.

He looked surprised, but even more he appeared . . . turned on.

Despite the heat of the room, his unspoken thoughts caused icy-hot shivers to race along my skin, leaving trails of gooseflesh in their wake. He was more than aware of my reaction to him, aware of his effect on me, and I watched with the utmost delight as those unfathomably dark eyes grew even more opaque, as the swell of his muscles grew strained, as his body tightened with need, the sight of which was holding my eyes and my body hostage, frozen like a deer in the spotlight of his hungry gaze.

It was a look I hadn’t seen since we’d both been in our twenties, a heavy look, one laden with hidden meaning and secret emotion, both of us despairing over different things and secretly using each other to soothe the desperate burning inside us.

But this time it was different.

This wasn’t a secret look.

This was all for me, for all the world to see.

All for him.

All for me. All for me.

I stared at him, my thoughts and body afire as he mouthed the words, You’re beautiful. And I could have sworn I felt his breath, cool against my overheated body, cascading over my skin, causing it to ripple and pebble with gooseflesh all over again.

“Dinner’s ready,” I whispered hoarsely, then lifted my hand to my throat, to the necklace that I never took off, surreptitiously hiding the large swallow of emotion that had welled up within me.

Christopher leaped off the couch and bounded past me while Hawk remained unmoving, his eyes still on me.

“I don’t wanna go,” he said softly, surprising me.

Those words, so full of raw emotion, caused a tidal wave of pain to come crashing over me, coursing through me at an alarming rate.

Its impact on my heart was devastating.

He looked so vulnerable, so unlike any way he’d ever looked before, that I couldn’t stop myself. I rushed forward, dropping onto the couch beside him and wrapping my arms around his neck.

“Let’s leave,” I whispered frantically against the soft cotton of his T-shirt. “Let’s just go, run away. We could move somewhere remote, where no one would ever find us. We could be a family.”

His body heaved as a heavy breath fled his chest, and in that breath I heard his answer. We wouldn’t be leaving, or running. We wouldn’t be together.

“D,” he said gently. “I’ve been hidin’ most of my life. I don’t wanna hide anymore.”

“I can’t lose you,” I whimpered. “Not after I just got you back.”

“Someday,” he whispered, sliding his arm behind my back and pulling me into a one-armed hug. “I’m going to finally take you for that ride. Just you and me, D. Me wearing my cut, you with all that red hair flying in the wind. Both of us finally out in the wide fuckin’ open. No more hidin’.”

And after hearing that, there was no way on earth I was going to make it through a three-course meal without crying.

I fell apart for what felt like the millionth time, ruining all my carefully applied makeup, smearing it all over Hawk’s T-shirt as I clutched him so tightly my knuckles began to throb.

“I want tonight to last forever,” I whispered brokenly.

Because it had to last forever, or at least for the next ten years.

**•

The last three weeks had been full of surprises, the biggest of which Hawk had thought was him and Dorothy finally coming together.

He’d been so fucking wrong.

The biggest surprise was just . . . Dorothy.

With as much rational thought as he could manage while being slowly ridden by the beautiful woman on top of him, he stared up at her in wonder.

The dress’s halter top was pooled around her waist, leaving her breasts exposed. Her body was arched, hands clutching his knees, and her head was thrown back, making the tips of her long red hair brush the tops of his thighs. With closed eyes and parted lips, she ground back and forth over him in a maddening, painstakingly, yet magnificently slow pace.

She was not the same woman he’d fallen in love with. But he was pretty sure he loved who she’d become even more.

And he was insanely terrified that he was going to lose her again.

She’d promised him over and over again that she would wait. But he didn’t expect her to wait, to be alone for years. She’d already been alone for far too long, and he wanted her happy.

Even if that meant she’d be happy without him.

Of course, he’d never in a million fucking years voice his feelings to her or anyone else on earth. Because as much as he wanted her happy, he wanted her waiting at those gates when he was finally able to rejoin the world.

It was selfish. Hawk knew that.

But he’d always been selfish when it came to this woman. He might have let her be, but he’d never given her up or really truly ever left her side.

He’d always been right there, whether she wanted him there or not.

And now that she wanted him there, for good this time, to make something solid out of their choppy history . . .

He was going to be fucking selfish.

Even locked up, he was going to be selfish.

With one hand under the skirt of her dress, clutching her hip, he reached up with the other and cupped her breast, lifting and squeezing the soft flesh. In response she moaned loudly, her breathing grew more uneven, her movements sped up, becoming less rhythmic and jerkier than before.

“Faster,” he rasped.

She tried to do as he asked but she was beginning to waver, her body quaking as she reached the beginnings of an orgasm. Releasing her breast to grab her other hip, he gripped her tightly and despite the pain in his leg his movements were causing, thrust his hips upward, over and over again, as fast as he could manage until he too was finishing with her.

As he released inside her, staring up her beautiful body, he was struck with most profound sense of homecoming. Maybe he hadn’t realized it back then, when he’d first set his sights on her, how much this woman would come to mean to him, but he knew it now.

Breathing hard, blinking rapidly, Dorothy released his legs and straightened above him. Her hair, the way it fell forward covering her breasts; her eyes, the way they shone even in the dim light; her lips, plumped from her own biting, glossy from licking them; her body, the way it curved like a woman’s should, soft in all the right places—he took it all in, taking his time in order to capture it all, to memorize every inch of her.

Just like this.

This was how he wanted to remember her.

“Fucking hell, woman,” he said hoarsely, unable to stop the words, unable to keep himself from letting it out. “I fuckin’ love you.”

Her eyes caught his, her lips slowly curved into a smile that, sure as shit, was sexy as hell.

Yeah. This was how he wanted to remember her.

This was what would get him through.